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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Never been truly loved and now I never will

37 replies

Guuuti · 14/08/2022 17:53

I’m a newly single mum to one dc, ex broke up with me a week before the birth. I desperately wanted to make it work but know he didn’t treat me particularly well.

Ive never had that proper love, commitment and life with someone. I’m 37 now with a six month old baby and it seems that ship has sailed in the sense of meeting someone, getting engaged, having a home and then family. Even if i did manage to date which is unlikely with a small child, most people don’t want you with baggage (for want of a better word).

I know I could meet someone at 50 etc etc but it’s not the same as sharing family life together. I’m just so horribly sad I never found the one thing I hoped for all my life.

OP posts:
layladomino · 14/08/2022 18:33

At 37 you are very young to decide you will never again be truly loved. I met the love of my life when I was older than you. And yes, we did (and do) enjoy 'family life'.

With regard to 'baggage', if you met men your age they will also likely have it too. It doesn't mean noone will want you.

Some of the happiest couples I know are the 'second time around' ones who met in their 40s and 50s.

Original poster
Guuuti · 14/08/2022 18:59

@layladomino it won’t be the same though will it. I’m older now. Life has happened alone. I’m just so sad

OP posts:
Newsinglemum58 · 14/08/2022 19:14

@Guuuti I understand how you feel. I think it can be hard to feel hope for the future once you've experienced a bad/failed relationship. Of course, things can and do change for some people, but believing that it will happen for you sometimes feels too difficult to accept.

rocketfromthecrypt · 14/08/2022 19:24

You're 37 not 87! You can't just give up on life when you're not even halfway through it.

blisstwins · 14/08/2022 19:49

Guuuti · 14/08/2022 18:59

@layladomino it won’t be the same though will it. I’m older now. Life has happened alone. I’m just so sad

I don’t believe in manifesting or that nonsense, but I think if you believe you have baggage and that the life you want won’t happen, then it won’t. Enjoy your baby—what a wonderful thing. You are a family. And keeping your eyes and heart open will give you a chance to let the right person into your life. I am 50. Divorced. Was beyond heartbroken—parents divorced and being and intact family is all I ever wanted too. I was willing to stay with someone who cheated and as absolutely disengaged. My mother told me the divorce was the best thing that could have happened to me. I did not believe her, but a few years later and I thank God. I do have someone and so far so good. I don’t think any of us get everything in life just the way we want it. But you already have one of the most important things—a child. You also know you have the ability to live. Don’t get defeated by someone who doesn’t even deserve you.

Pinkbonbon · 14/08/2022 19:52

Every chance you could meet a man who has kids too and combine families. Then BAM instant ready made family.

supercali77 · 14/08/2022 21:11

If you want the so called fairytale of falling in love and raising a family together then yes, thats gone. But there are a hundred other stories. Real compatibility and love is still possible even with dc, many people your age will also have dc. Some wont. You could have more. You can get married. Nothings stopping you except the notion of an ideal

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 14/08/2022 21:15

OP please don’t give up! I thought I would end up an “ old maid” but I met DH when I was 35 & we were engaged within 9 months, married after 14, and have now been together just over 21 years.

twoqueens · 14/08/2022 21:26

Sweetheart, I hear you.
It's scary when relationships (even shit ones) finish and the thought of never meeting anyone.
It's mostly out of our control if we ever meet anyone to love and loves us back.

But you have your wonderful child, and you are young, I'm sure it will happen for you

watermelonlipbalm · 14/08/2022 21:27

My husband left me (via text) when I was 5 months old with our second.
I know the feelings you're having. 3 years later they still creep up on me from time to time. But just remember OP you will never truly know what lies in the future. Anything can happen.
Please take each day as it comes and goes. Grieve what you had and what you've lost. But trust me, your life isn't over. Your dreams will change, it will get better I promise you. Just give yourself some time.

TabithaTittlemouse · 14/08/2022 21:29

I would have been buggered if I thought like this.
When I met my now Dh I was mid thirties with dc and a whole lot of baggage. He’s a great step dad and an all round good egg.

Original poster
Guuuti · 14/08/2022 21:31

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 14/08/2022 21:15

OP please don’t give up! I thought I would end up an “ old maid” but I met DH when I was 35 & we were engaged within 9 months, married after 14, and have now been together just over 21 years.

@SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows You probably didn’t have a child in tow though… I feel like it’s just not in reach for me anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
Guuuti · 14/08/2022 21:32

TabithaTittlemouse · 14/08/2022 21:29

I would have been buggered if I thought like this.
When I met my now Dh I was mid thirties with dc and a whole lot of baggage. He’s a great step dad and an all round good egg.

@TabithaTittlemouse how did you meet? I just don’t see it’s feasible anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
Guuuti · 14/08/2022 21:33

watermelonlipbalm · 14/08/2022 21:27

My husband left me (via text) when I was 5 months old with our second.
I know the feelings you're having. 3 years later they still creep up on me from time to time. But just remember OP you will never truly know what lies in the future. Anything can happen.
Please take each day as it comes and goes. Grieve what you had and what you've lost. But trust me, your life isn't over. Your dreams will change, it will get better I promise you. Just give yourself some time.

@watermelonlipbalm did he say why?! So awful I’m so sorry. Thanks for your lovely message x

OP posts:
ilovemyboys3 · 14/08/2022 21:33

You absolutely will find someone still. I met my partner when I was 32 and I had a 3 year old. This was 4 years ago now and since we have bought our first house and have two children together. Create your own happy ending not the ones in the fairy tales. Best of luck x

Original poster
Guuuti · 14/08/2022 21:34

twoqueens · 14/08/2022 21:26

Sweetheart, I hear you.
It's scary when relationships (even shit ones) finish and the thought of never meeting anyone.
It's mostly out of our control if we ever meet anyone to love and loves us back.

But you have your wonderful child, and you are young, I'm sure it will happen for you

@twoqueens i honestly feel like my life has ended in some way. It feels so so scary

OP posts:
Original poster
Guuuti · 14/08/2022 21:34

ilovemyboys3 · 14/08/2022 21:33

You absolutely will find someone still. I met my partner when I was 32 and I had a 3 year old. This was 4 years ago now and since we have bought our first house and have two children together. Create your own happy ending not the ones in the fairy tales. Best of luck x

@ilovemyboys3 how did you meet? I can’t imagine it at all x

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 14/08/2022 21:39

The fairytale of meet someone, fall in love, have children, raise them together and then grow old together is gone yes. It is very painful. Early days and you have a lot on your plate.

However, you can still have all those things, just with different people sharing different parts of the story with you. Maybe you'll meet one man to raise your and his children with. Then after 20 years you may separate and a few years later, meet someone new to grow old with.

Littlepaws18 · 14/08/2022 21:39

Self fulfilling prophecy. If you continually think you won't meet someone then the chances are you won't. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies in life.

I was in your position at a similar age to you with my first born. It wasn't easy (I also had an accident that damaged my leg and I needed physio and a walking stick) but i persevered (some dates really felt that way) and I now at 40 have another child and married to my soulmate.

Be positive about your future.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 14/08/2022 21:40

Eh? You're only 37 and you have ONE baby. That's not at all unusual - many newly single women your age have 2+ kids. Why on earth would you think that you're washed up now? What's the proportion of first marriages which end in divorce in your 30s/40s? Pretty high I think, which means there are lots of newly single men coming into the dating market every year. There are plenty of us who are much older than you, and who are definitely not washed up yet despite children with absent fathers!
It sounds like you've had a tough year, but you're being extremely negative. There is no reason you can't get out there and meet someone new when you're ready, though you are going to have to plan ahead with childcare. So start playing the long game. Maybe say you're not going to date until your baby is 1, or 2, or choose a time, then work towards it. In the meantime focus on looking after yourself and finding out things that make you happy, then do them as much as you can.

TabithaTittlemouse · 14/08/2022 21:43

@Guuuti a friend of a friend.

purpleme12 · 14/08/2022 21:44

@Guuuti I get it.
I'm not with my child's dad either.
But it's only recently I've been feeling more sad about it all. Maybe cos I've been needing more support and I have none

GreenManalishi · 14/08/2022 21:44

I had a lost poperty departments worth of "baggage" if you want to think of it that way, it's absolutely possible to move on and be happier than you have ever been.
All is not lost, but the type of relationship youll fall into with that mindset isn't going to be what you're looking for.
Concentrate on your life with your little one, and making that that best it can be with friends and family around you. Then when you are happy and sorted and don't need a man, one will appear that doesn't think of any aspect of you as baggage, and he will know he's lucky to have you both.

ilovemyboys3 · 14/08/2022 21:46

@Guuuti 2
Online dating is how we met. I was single for about one year before I felt "ready" to entertain the idea of meeting someone new. You'll know when it feels right. You will be desired and wanted even with a child. Don't see your child as baggage, see your child as a blessing and she/he will be treated this way by the new man you meet in the future. In 4 years we have two more children and a house. Anythings possible when you think positive x

Watchkeys · 14/08/2022 21:49

What has ended is your dream of marrying/house/car/dog/kids in the traditional format. But you're mixing that up with 'your life' and 'your happiness'.

Most people have dreams that haven't come true. Mine was just like yours. But I met someone when I was 45 and we have a lovely life together now.

No, things won't be the same as your dream, but that's not a tragedy, that's just your dream not coming true in the exact way you wanted. Maybe it'll come true in a different way, and you'll meet someone in a few years who'll be looking to build a family.

The first person to build a loving relationship with is yourself. Stop putting yourself down, you wouldn't do that to someone you cared about. Have a think about what's great about you. What is great about you? Do a list!