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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Buy a house or get divorced?

45 replies

ArborealArmadillo · 14/08/2022 11:46

Seems like a stupid question but I feel at a crossroads and don't know what to do and I'm going round in circles over it. After many years of renting and saving we've just about got a small deposit together to buy a house. It's been my dream all my life and I've got lots of plans and spend every day on rightmove. DH couldn't be less interested. He says it's a hassle what is there to get excited about. He assumes I'll do all the work to organise it as he says I'm better at logistics and paperwork and that sort of thing. Our relationship is pretty stagnant since having kids but it's not terrible, we're friendly, we get on. We mostly bicker over him leaving me all the housework, childcare and mental load but nothing worse than that. If I ask him to do something he does it, but I have to ask first. I imagine my future with him and enjoy his company but we're no longer intimate. Some days I feel really lonely, other days I think at least he's here to share some of the jobs and bills and that I could go along like this for another decade until the kids leave home. We have discussed divorce but similarly he's not interested in thinking about it, just a load of hassle and paperwork for me to do again. He doesn't want the status quo to change. Do I just go ahead, buy a joint house build the equity for a decade and review things when the kids are older? Achieve a dream, give the kids a secure home? If we divorced we'd have to both carry on renting so am I letting the chance to buy a house cloud my judgement? Would this be a waste of a decade when we could both be living happier lives and we should cut our losses now before complicating things with a mortgage?

OP posts:
Amicompletelyinsane · 14/08/2022 12:17

Would you wish this life on your children. Or would you want better for them?you deserve to be happy too. I wouldn't settle for a decade of unhappiness

oviraptor21 · 14/08/2022 12:18

Divorce.

Watchkeys · 14/08/2022 12:23

If we divorced we'd have to both carry on renting so am I letting the chance to buy a house cloud my judgement

Yes.

Divorce.

DrR78 · 14/08/2022 12:26

It’s either divorce now (when finances are relatively straightforward) or divorce later (with all the hassle of how to divvy up the house). Staying married to him will wear you down. Enjoy your life. Be free.

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/08/2022 12:29

I think on balance divorce now - you are going to have to sell anyway, so you might as well take what deposit you have, and build up again.

could you look at shared ownership?

as a PP said, what would you advise your daughter to do in your situation, and do that.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 14/08/2022 12:29

Have you had a proper sit down discussion about it? It's really hard to do but might give you both some clarity.

DH and I have had a couple in our almost 40 years together. They have always been the catalyst for proper change for both of us. There may come a time when that doesn't happen and we make a different decision.

But that conversation would be really important, either way

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/08/2022 12:51

He does not seem at all interested anyway in house ownership in describing it as a hassle. A conversation in such circumstances is a waste of time because he’s a plodder and lazy with it.

Set yourself free and do not teach your children crap lessons about relationships like potentially staying together till the kids leave home

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/08/2022 13:01

If it was just you and him, I'd absolutely say get out now.

But you've got kids. Is he an engaged parent? You're looking at giving up potentially 50% of your time with your children. Are you prepared to do that?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/08/2022 13:04

Divorce.

You already do anything anyway, will be much easier without having to look after him too.

DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS LAZY LOSER.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/08/2022 13:06

We mostly bicker over him leaving me all the housework, childcare and mental load

No, he's not an 'engaged parent'. He's taking the piss, basically. Don't be his servant all your life.

ArcticSkewer · 14/08/2022 13:09

If you separate, can you afford to live alone? Would you get benefits, including housing benefit? How likely is he to want to divorce once you've bought the house?
I'd probably buy the house but everyone makes different choices

SausagePourHomme · 14/08/2022 13:12

let's say you stay with him, buy a nice house. Wouldn't it be more of a wrench to potentially have to leave it in 5-10 years when you can't take it anymore?

You could make your fresh start now. may take longer to buy but it will be all yours and that's an amazing feeling.

Spohn · 14/08/2022 13:14

Why would you buy a house with him when you’ll just have to sell it when you divorce?

Why make your kids live with your miserable, broken relationship? They’ll think it’s normal 🤢

GettinPiggyWithIt · 14/08/2022 13:15

Is divorce is EVER in questions, then it’s usually the direct answer, house or not.

ilyx · 14/08/2022 13:18

Can’t you put off buying a house for now, save for another year then leave? Would you have enough to buy a house then?

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 14/08/2022 13:19

Divorce. If things were crap but he was willing to work on it then I would say wait work on the relationship and buy later but he can’t be arsed to save his relationship. You’re not that important to him.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/08/2022 13:20

We have discussed divorce but similarly he's not interested in thinking about it, just a load of hassle and paperwork for me to do again.

Romance at its finest right there, folks.

Seriously, cut your losses and leave.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 14/08/2022 13:23

I would buy the house. It might be a turning point for your husband, when it is his property, nit the landlords he might become more engaged with it.
And if you do divorce, you will have a better asset to divide….

merryhouse · 14/08/2022 13:32

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 14/08/2022 13:23

I would buy the house. It might be a turning point for your husband, when it is his property, nit the landlords he might become more engaged with it.
And if you do divorce, you will have a better asset to divide….

No they won't. They'll have an emotionally-charged, debt-laden asset that keeps them together until it's sold. How on earth is that better than a simply-divisible lump of cash?

ArborealArmadillo · 14/08/2022 15:14

I can see what everyone means. When I asked the question I know the obvious answer is if you're considering divorce buying a house together would be crazy. It's just that it feels like my only chance. Renting is such a precarious and depressing experience and my kids talk about when we get our own house and have a pet/paint the walls... all the time, I feel like I'm taking this away from them. Has anyone bought a house with someone for practical reasons? In 10 years the prices have risen far more than we've been able to save to keep up, so I feel like if we bought something then in 10 years time and our kids go their own ways we'd be in a much better position to sell up and separate than if we had rented separately in that time and effectively had nothing. I couldn't pay the bills and continue to save up if we got divorced.

OP posts:
ArborealArmadillo · 14/08/2022 15:25

I have looked at shared ownership but there's nothing anywhere near by and I don't want to move the kids schools. I'm get email alerts in case anything does pop up though that would be ideal.

OP posts:
ArborealArmadillo · 14/08/2022 15:27

I'm not intending to get emotionally attached to the house either. I don't like the area we live in and have no ties to it other than my kids are really settled at school so I don't feel moving later on will bother me.

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 14/08/2022 15:29

Divorce. I chose to stay and buy (well, build) a house when I was dithering and it was absolutely the wrong thing to do.

5zeds · 14/08/2022 15:38

Would your half buy anything?

ArborealArmadillo · 14/08/2022 15:40

I might manage to get a flat with my half, it would only be a 5% deposit though and I'm not sure I could afford the mortgage payments, especially as interest rates are rising.

OP posts: