Buy a house or get divorced?

[ArborealArmadillo]

Seems like a stupid question but I feel at a crossroads and don't know what to do and I'm going round in circles over it. After many years of renting and saving we've just about got a small deposit together to buy a house. It's been my dream all my life and I've got lots of plans and spend every day on rightmove. DH couldn't be less interested. He says it's a hassle what is there to get excited about. He assumes I'll do all the work to organise it as he says I'm better at logistics and paperwork and that sort of thing. Our relationship is pretty stagnant since having kids but it's not terrible, we're friendly, we get on. We mostly bicker over him leaving me all the housework, childcare and mental load but nothing worse than that. If I ask him to do something he does it, but I have to ask first. I imagine my future with him and enjoy his company but we're no longer intimate. Some days I feel really lonely, other days I think at least he's here to share some of the jobs and bills and that I could go along like this for another decade until the kids leave home. We have discussed divorce but similarly he's not interested in thinking about it, just a load of hassle and paperwork for me to do again. He doesn't want the status quo to change. Do I just go ahead, buy a joint house build the equity for a decade and review things when the kids are older? Achieve a dream, give the kids a secure home? If we divorced we'd have to both carry on renting so am I letting the chance to buy a house cloud my judgement? Would this be a waste of a decade when we could both be living happier lives and we should cut our losses now before complicating things with a mortgage?

I mean building up the equity I get in theory, it sounds sensible but I would really think about it. What if your DH decides to remortgage to access the equity in a few years? or switches to interest only to save a few quid? I just bought a house for £3k more than it previously sold for in 2007, so there's no guarantees in house prices going up significantly either, especially with the market as it is. And this is your life, your future. How can you be motivated to build something up when you are unhappy? I would say rent for a while longer, see if you can change things, build up the savings a bit more and then decide.

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime in what way was it the wrong thing to do? Did you lose money?

*Not that I have a clue what's going to happen to house prices, just to clarify that 😀

@LindyLily in our 17 marriage he has not yet got around to getting login details to our joint bank account, I would be so amazed if he managed to get the initiative up to remortgage or change something. I do appreciate your point though, it's something to consider he could technically do something like that.

@ArborealArmadillo oh no, building the house almost made up for staying in a grim marriage. No, the mistake was not splitting before building the house.

Do calculations based on what you could benefit from 50% equity of the house you would share with your husband, versus what kind of equity you could gain from a flat you could afford. See if there is any significant difference. This would probably only be the case if your DH is a significantly higher earner.

Imagine living alone with your DC in a flat in a "less good" area than the property you imagine living with your DH. What ways is it better, what ways is it worse? Yes it is nice having a proper house, but it is also really nice enjoying your space!

What kind of age-range will your kids be in in ten years, when they get into teenage years it can get complicated with wanting to give stability during exams etc. it may turn out to be longer than 10 years.

And I don't even know if you want another relationship. But it would be simpler for both you and your husband to consider that when you are both a decade younger!

So you don't like your OH, you don't like where you live and you don't like where you're buying?

What on earth are you doing? Seriously sounds like you could do with some counselling.

And please don't do the 'Staying together for the sake of the kids' bollocks. You'll just give them an awful childhood. I remember it well.

Just get your ducks in a row and leave.

No dont buy the house. If your marriage is that dodgy then move somewhere you can afford / have support and build up equity for yourself. Most kids dont stay friends with who they went to primary school with, dont over-estimate the impact of moving schools, kids adapt much quicker than we do and its a lot less traumatic than growing up in a house with a strained marriage. Separating when the kids first leave home eg when they go to uni, is the worst possible time as its really unsettling for them to have their homelife explode at the very moment they are starting out on their own. Often students in that situation dont come back in the holidays as they dont feel they have a 'home' anymore. Its much better to separate when they still live with you and you can work through it together and establish a new normal before they leave.

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime would you have split first if you didn't have the money to build the house on your own? That's my dilemma as I know if I won the lottery I'd get divorced and build my perfect house straight away. But without the money, what is the best choice?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy your comment made me laugh. You're right that is the situation. That's life, isn't it?

@Weatherwithme I don't have any ties or support anywhere, if we split up I wouldn't move areas. This area is comparatively cheap, I'm looking at flats for £80k to £100k, or a terrace jointly for around £160k to £180k. I don't think there's many places I could move that would be cheaper and since my kids are settled at school I'd really prefer not to move them until they're finished. I take your point and you may be right, although I had read that divorcing when kids are primary age was the worst time. There's never an ideal time but I felt that once they've finished high school it would also be easier from a practical point of view as we could take custody issues, maintenance and childcare out of the equation.

@LindyLily thanks that's a helpful exercise I will do that.

Sorry I've not replied to everyone but I'm getting the gist, divorce is better than buying a house. I'm just still not totally sure I wouldn't be screwing my life up unnecessarily, and his too and therefore the kids', as we struggle along renting separately rather than pooling the bills and paying a joint mortgage.

You don’t describe your marriage as unhappy. You just describe a marriage that has been goi by on for a while - and you are friendly and get along. These are the positives.
The negatives - you are no longer intimate (although you don’t mention if you miss sex) and you feel lonely sometimes.

I guess to me the important question will be - would you actually be happier now if you divorced. Especially considering you still have smallish kids and wont be able to afford two nice places for them to grow up in.

It’s easy for strangers here on MN to say - your 17year long marriage isn’t exciting anymore - divorce now!
But to me it’s not so clear when there are little kids, significant changes to lifestyle and, most importantly - no deep unhappiness, abuse, etc.

Long marriages morph into friendships/partnerships more often than we are willing to admit. Yours is a lazy partner. It is possible he can shape up if he realises he can lose it all.

To answer your question - I’d buy, try to work on marriage and reassess later.
Grass isn’t necessarily greener on the other side.

www.whatsthecost.com/mortgage.aspx

This is a mortgage calculator I've used before. It is fairly simple, just work out where you would be in ten years for each scenario. (Click on the details button after you have entered the amount borrowed and expected APR and it will tell you how much equity is paid off each month)

It's very easy to lose a decade of equity (and more) during a divorce. The longer you leave it, the harder the divorce will be.

OP don't base your decision on what people tell you to do on here.

I do agree with it being better for dc to split whilst in primary but you're not describing an abusive marriage. I think most marriages end up similar to what you describe.

Personally I'd try to work on my marriage and work on my own happiness outside of the marriage (friendships, hobbies, gym) and buy the house. My friend did similar to you and is now really upset (after the initial high) and divorce is pretty hard going. Find something outside of kids for you and dh to do together too. New experiences will bring you closer together.

Yes, people are always very eager to rush to get other people living the divorced poverty lifestyle so they can be their authentic selves.

There's a lot to be said for living in comfort in a slightly boring marriage, imo, especially if it's not forever but just until you are more financially settled.

Some people do it for life. Your average arranged marriage is a business and family merger rather than romantic love, for instance. It's not a model I would want myself but I often thought of my marriage as being like that when the kids were younger. I stayed for practical reasons. Meanwhile my house went up 50% in value and I paid less on the mortgage for a 4 bed than to rent a terrace.

Do what works for you, whatever that is

@MMmomDD that's where I'm at right now, not unhappy but not really in a romantic relationship anymore. I would love to live next door to him if we separated. I can't imagine not having him in my life. I think we've slipped into a sibling relationship, not best friends but a feeling that we'd always be there for each other and have a lot in common. Most days are good, ok I have to ask him to hoover while I'm cooking dinner and it's like that for everything, he wouldn't do it otherwise, but he's around to ask, rather than me doing it all on my own. I really don't know if I'd be happier or not, I wish I could test it out somehow. When I picture living alone I'm in my dream home by the sea with a big garden, not struggling along alone in the cheapest flat I can find.

How about a conversation with a financial adviser or conveyancing solicitor, given that you don't have a pressing need to leave. They'd be better placed to give you longer-term, strategic advice.

@ArborealArmadillo

Have you tried talking to your H about it? Not about you needing him to step up with house shores, but about your relationships and your need to have a bit more romance and intimacy?
Thing is - that feeling that you have someone who’d always be there for you - and someone you have lots in common with - is actually quite valuable. So so many people don’t have it in their relationship and wish they had it.

I think you are both taking each other for granted and don’t appreciate the really solid foundation that your relationship does have.
Throwing they always for some fantasy of romance - without trying to see if you two can get back to a better relationship would be a shame.
That - in addition to the financial impact of separation is something to really think about.

I’d seriously consider marriage counselling.

It's a good idea, marriage counseling is probably worth a try. He won't discuss anything like that directly, he's just not interested, he walks into another room. He's very much a sticking his head in the sand person. I bought some relate books but he won't read them. But it's a good idea to try with a counselor. Having someone else there might help. It seemed too expensive but when I think about how much it will cost to live separately it's worth the money if it keeps us together.

What have you done to try to improve the relationship?

It's easy to jump. Harder to work on improving it.