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Original poster

I told a white lie to my partner and now he’s mad at me

43 replies

DaisyDooxox · 14/08/2022 00:24

How can I put this without it sounding embarrassing...

Sometimes, when myself and my partner get intimate, we like to record.

He has got some bits on his phone and I have got some bits on mine. One particular video was recorded on my phone.

We don’t live together so I enjoy watching it when I’m feeling in the mood and he isn’t around. He asked for me to send this email particular video and I was hesitant because the camera angle at the beginning doesn’t reflect my stomach in the best light. I tried cropping the video down to cut out that part and sent it to him, but he deleted it saying that he wants the same as I have.

When I said that I didn’t want him to watch my ugly stomach, he got annoyed and told me to delete the video. I told him I did, but he asked to see proof and then found out I lied.

I explained to him that he has videos of me that I don’t have access to. But I just wanted this one for me to see without him seeing the beginning bit.

He is really annoyed with me and says that he will now second guess what I tell him as this has damaged the trust. He says that it is double standards and one rule for me and another for him. Is he right in what he is saying?

*please no comments on dangers of videoing - we are both aware of these and the new laws of sharing them without permission.

OP posts:
Duettino · 14/08/2022 00:32

Forget the videoing. He sounds controlling. Why do you have to show proof? He's not right. If you're not comfortable, it's up to you what you do with the video and how you're seen by him. Is he ok otherwise/normally?

Unless he is a professional and owns the media.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/08/2022 00:35

He doesn't get to tell you what he wants to see, when it's your body.

I wouldn't be making any more videos as I wouldn't trust him with them.

MbatataOwl · 14/08/2022 00:35

He sounds like a complete dickhead. Do you really want to be with such a man?

Twawmyarse · 14/08/2022 00:37

Oh yuck - he needs to go in the bin asap.

So you told him you are embarrassed about a body part in the film and displayed your vulnerability to him and he rewarded it by trying manipulate you into feeling bad. He sounds extremely controlling and nasty and I guarantee he will now try to use this as ammunition in your relationship every time you do something he doesn't like. He is not a keeper.

Original poster
DaisyDooxox · 14/08/2022 00:39

The point he was making was that he is in the film too and feels self conscious of his body. He made the point that he is in the video and hadn’t even had the opportunity to watch the bit I cropped out. He called it double standards.

OP posts:
MessyBunPersonified · 14/08/2022 00:42

You lied to him about deleting an intimate video of him.

That's not a white lie. That's a violation.

If you asked him to delete a video of you, he said he did and you discovered he was still wanking over it the answers on here would be very different.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/08/2022 00:42

Get rid of him. Controlling. Disturbingly so.

Twawmyarse · 14/08/2022 00:47

Just delete the video then? And maybe start having a think about whether it's a good idea to continue filming yourselves when you clearly don't feel entirely comfortable with it or if there are trust issues?

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2022 00:50

The entire senario is just grim. Get rid.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/08/2022 00:50

Twawmyarse · 14/08/2022 00:47

Just delete the video then? And maybe start having a think about whether it's a good idea to continue filming yourselves when you clearly don't feel entirely comfortable with it or if there are trust issues?

This in spades.

YukoandHiro · 14/08/2022 00:54

Hmmm I'm going to go against the grain here. If I found out that someone had told me a lie about the presence or deletion of intimate images of me I would be VERY worried. It's really not the kind of thing to lie about - even a white lie - if you're trying to foster trust.
So yea while his reaction isn't justified given your motives are plainly completely benign, I totally get why he reacted like that.

butterflied · 14/08/2022 01:03

Yeah, lying about deleting sex videos is not minor. Stop recording when you can't be honest with each other.

impossible · 14/08/2022 01:08

I think it's fairly simple - he asked you to delete an intimate video of both of you and you told him you had. But it turns out you haven't. That's a breach of trust and it's not unreasonable of him to be annoyed. You have images of him you told him you'd deleted. That's not good.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/08/2022 01:19

impossible · 14/08/2022 01:08

I think it's fairly simple - he asked you to delete an intimate video of both of you and you told him you had. But it turns out you haven't. That's a breach of trust and it's not unreasonable of him to be annoyed. You have images of him you told him you'd deleted. That's not good.

Well no. There was a whole lot of not OK before that not OK thing OP did.

I agree there's not trust but I'm not sure it's all on OP.

MessyBunPersonified · 14/08/2022 02:08

There wasn't really a 'whole lot of not ok'.

He asked for the video, op gave him an edited version, he didn't want the edited version to told her to delete the whole thing if he can't also have a copy of the video which is fair enough imo.

As for the pp painting him as controlling because he asked for proof of deletion, when op was the one who lied... that's really reaching to make him out as the bad guy.

Yutes · 14/08/2022 02:17

What’s so special about this one video? If you’ve videoed multiple different times being intimate?

is it because he knows you like and it and knows you like getting off on it?

having said that, it’s your video on your phone. You don’t NEED to share it with him. He needs to get over the “if he can’t have it, Then You can’t either”. that’s a bizarre attitude

Yutes · 14/08/2022 02:21

I also think it’s strange that OP wouldn’t just share the video with him?
don’t understand why anyone needs to get mad.

MessyBunPersonified · 14/08/2022 02:26

having said that, it’s your video on your phone. You don’t NEED to share it with him. He needs to get over the “if he can’t have it, Then You can’t either”. that’s a bizarre attitude

Its a bizarre attitude to want some say over an intimate video of yourself? WTF.

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 14/08/2022 02:57

*What’s so special about this one video?

Don’t ask her that! She might tell you. 😁

CheekyHobson · 14/08/2022 03:18

I do think the “if I can’t have it, you can’t either” attitude is concerning. I would try asking him for copies of all the videos you don’t have access to and if he refuses then it’s clear he’s controlling.

Monty27 · 14/08/2022 03:35

Eeeeewwww I wouldn't trust it not to be shared and why would anyone actually do that? Ugh

RedHelenB · 14/08/2022 03:55

DaisyDooxox · 14/08/2022 00:39

The point he was making was that he is in the film too and feels self conscious of his body. He made the point that he is in the video and hadn’t even had the opportunity to watch the bit I cropped out. He called it double standards.

He's right You should have deleted it. Yabu.

BadNomad · 14/08/2022 04:13

I don't think it's unusual to want to see proof when it comes to something of this nature. Because if you lie, which you did, it means you have an intimate video of him that he does not want anyone to have. The fact that you did lie about something this important is huge. He's not likely to trust you with private media from now on.

LetHimHaveIt · 14/08/2022 05:00

I suppose the fact is, if he wants you to delete an intimate video in which he appears also, you should do it, no questions asked.

That said - he hasn't asked you to do so because he's uncomfortable with it; far from it. He just wants the unabridged version. You don't, because you don't like your stomach in it; he is apparently unperturbed by how he looks on film. Now he has rather petulantly said 'Well, in which case, delete the whole thing': childish, but probably fair enough given that his reason doesn't need to be good.

I don't think he sounds like a keeper. And I think you should steer clear of filming sex videos in future relationships. Doesn't sound like you can handle them, so to speak.

LetHimHaveIt · 14/08/2022 05:03

'I explained to him that he has videos of me that I don’t have access to.'

Why does he? Tell him to delete those and ask for proof. He oughtn't to take issue with that, after all.

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