Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I told a white lie to my partner and now he’s mad at me

43 replies

DaisyDooxox · 14/08/2022 00:24

How can I put this without it sounding embarrassing...

Sometimes, when myself and my partner get intimate, we like to record.

He has got some bits on his phone and I have got some bits on mine. One particular video was recorded on my phone.

We don’t live together so I enjoy watching it when I’m feeling in the mood and he isn’t around. He asked for me to send this email particular video and I was hesitant because the camera angle at the beginning doesn’t reflect my stomach in the best light. I tried cropping the video down to cut out that part and sent it to him, but he deleted it saying that he wants the same as I have.

When I said that I didn’t want him to watch my ugly stomach, he got annoyed and told me to delete the video. I told him I did, but he asked to see proof and then found out I lied.

I explained to him that he has videos of me that I don’t have access to. But I just wanted this one for me to see without him seeing the beginning bit.

He is really annoyed with me and says that he will now second guess what I tell him as this has damaged the trust. He says that it is double standards and one rule for me and another for him. Is he right in what he is saying?

*please no comments on dangers of videoing - we are both aware of these and the new laws of sharing them without permission.

OP posts:
yesimbragging · 14/08/2022 05:14

What a mess.

PPs saying he "asked" her to delete the video and she lied, the impression I got was that he "told" her, in a sort of "if I can't have the video you can either" petulant way. I doubt the "violation" crossed his mind tbh. It is still a violation saying you've deleted it when you haven't though, and I'm not sure you're as clued up on the law as you think if you don't think it is.

I do think the trust has been broken on both sides. You've shown vulnerability multiple times, by filming and telling him about your body insecurities, and he's showing no respect or consideration.

As an aside, if I'd watched back a video of me having sex and got hung up about my stomach on it, it would ruin sex for me forever and I definitely couldn't film again. My mind would be on my stomach all the time, filming or no filming.

Russell Howard questions why people film themselves when it just looks like two potatoes clumsily banging against each other Wink

Ohhhhladz · 14/08/2022 05:45

(1) You did lie to him, and didn't admit you'd lied until caught. If he says the trust is gone and it can't be restored, believe him. If that's the case, the relationship's over. It's really hard work to restore trust and if he doesn't think it's worth trying, that's the end of it. IF you had said no, you would not delete the video, that would have been a different set of issues. (But keep in mind, he didn't trust you even before this, as evidenced by his asking for proof that you deleted.)

(2) He bullies you and assumes your needs and desires are less important than his. That would be enough reason in my view for you to end this relationship regardless of whether he thinks it's over.

I don't see where the double standard is (you both have videos you aren't sharing/the other hasn't seen) but it doesn't really matter now.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 14/08/2022 06:10

When I said that I didn’t want him to watch my ugly stomach, he got annoyed and told me to delete the video. I told him I did, but he asked to see proof and then found out I lied.

you.outright lied and he asked for proof, there is no trust either side really, I don’t see how your lie is a “white lie” either,, he asked you to delete a sex tape and you lied about it, that’s a whopper really

WillPowerLite · 14/08/2022 06:16

Despite OP not wanting to talk about the dangers of videoing sex, this is a great cautionary tale about the dangers of videoing sex.

OP, you are now in the brink of breaking up over sex videos and how they should be shared. Your soon-to-be-ex has videos of you. And he sounds angry at you over your handling of the videos.

Not great.

converseandjeans · 14/08/2022 06:44

Are you sure he's not sharing them on some website where blokes upload videos and pictures of their girlfriends?

He sounds quite controlling. I wouldn't film any more.

ShaneTwane · 14/08/2022 06:52

Usually i would agree that op not deleting this sex tape when asked is a violation but in this case multiple such videos exist including him having multiple vids that the op doesn't have access too. He only wanted this particular one deleted because he didn't get his own way and wanted the unedited version.

If it was me i would want all of them deleted at this point and never film one again. Tell him you don't trust him and want them all deleted and proof of this.

KarlWrenbury · 14/08/2022 07:01

This will not end well.

Hillrunning · 14/08/2022 07:48

It's interesting that you ask for no comments on the dangers of videos when your whole post is an exellent example of the dangers!

He should not have behaved how he did and you certainly shouldn't have lied (and it is a huge lie) about deleting a video of him when you didn't. Neither of you trust each other or can communicate well enough to be creating such vulnerable images of each other. You can't even agree on the simplest of ground rules for gods sake!

Agree to delete the video and all videos you have if he deletes all videos of you. Don't make any new videos until you have a better relationship.

category12 · 14/08/2022 07:55

Not really a white lie.

Delete the video.

As an aside, how does one prove you've deleted it? I guess do it in front of him?

I'd have a joint deleting session.

picklemewalnuts · 14/08/2022 08:07

So, he'd send you any of the videos he has on his phone?
And he'd let you scroll through his phone to see what he had and hadn't deleted?

What I'm reading into what you've said, is that instead of taking time to reach a mutually agreeable compromise, he moved straight to 'do as I say' which left you feeling obliged to lie.

It's bad that you lied- it is a betrayal of trust.
It's equally bad that you felt you needed to lie. Imo that suggests a lack of opportunity to communicate and a lack of equality in the relationship.

The sensible way to manage it would have been to sit together on the sofa, edit out the bits you don't like, and share it so you both have it.

As it is, I'm not sure this relationship has legs.

lastminutedotcom22 · 14/08/2022 08:10

MbatataOwl · 14/08/2022 00:35

He sounds like a complete dickhead. Do you really want to be with such a man?

Yes this and how on earth do you not know if/when you split what he'll do with these videos?????

He sounds horrendous tho

MolkosTeenageAngst · 14/08/2022 08:40

If a partner had a sex video of me and refused to share part of it with me I’d be worried about what it contained. If I asked them to delete the video and they lied and said they’d deleted it when they hadn’t becayse they wanted to masturbate to it I would see that as a major issue and a major lie. He’s asked you to delete a sex video which includes him, you should have respected that. To lie was very wrong and would suggest you can’t be trusted with these videos.

I would also say if you don’t trust your partner enough to see a video of you having sex with him because of how your stomach looks the relationship isn’t strong enough or built on enough trust to be having sex and certainly not to be videoing it in the first place. Why would you want to have sex with and take videos with a man you don’t even trust enough to see your stomach in multiple angles?

Honestly, you sound hard work.

Marineboy67 · 14/08/2022 09:05

This sounds pretty fucked up to me. On one hand he's clearly seen your stomach many times from a number of angles, cutting it out of a video seems somewhat pointless. For him to then get in a piss because you deleted part of it kind of shows the weirdness in all of this. None of it sounds particularly healthy to me, I'll stick with my shade of vanilla 😇

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/08/2022 10:13

It’s a serious lie to say you’ve deleted a video when you haven’t, it’s a breach of trust and he’s right to be pissed off.

Aprilx · 14/08/2022 10:36

I think his reasons for you deleting the video were more petulant than anything else, but with a rational head in, it is you that is in the wrong and this is definitely not a white lie, it is a really big lie. As has been said if you wanted images of yourself deleted and he lied and said he had but hadn’t, he would be called all kinds of names on here.

And I know you said you don’t want comments on videos because you understand the risks, but I am not sure you do. Not only is it a stupid thing to do but you are doing it with someone who you don’t trust and who doesn’t trust you. Bonkers, the pair of you.

ForensicFlossy · 14/08/2022 10:48

I completely agree with @MessyBunPersonified if the male and female characters in this story were reversed people would be shouting about how terrible the man was for not deleting an intimate video when asked. The reason for wanting it deleted is irrelevant.

OpinionsUnseen · 14/08/2022 10:57

If the situation were reversed here the unanimous response would be that he’s controlling, possibly even dangerous, and is likely violating her privacy and even potentially uploading the video’s to wherever these kinds of video’s end up.

Hey but he’s a man so is obviously in the wrong…

IMO anyone who is prepared to have a partner filming them having sex and keeping those videos has major boundary issues. No good ever comes of it.

Adelais · 14/08/2022 11:11

Sorry but I think you were wrong to have lied about deleting the video. Why didn’t you just delete it if you don’t like how you looked?
Imagine if he had a video you wanted deleted and he lied about deleting it but kept it, would you be ok with that?
I think this post highlights the problems with recording yourself having sex.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread