Has anyone had any success with inner child work?

[Fluffylittlepup]

My abusive childhood has ruined my life despite me trying so hard to overcome it/learning to accept. Different therapies haven’t worked and something has happened recently to bring it all into sharp focus and I feel destroyed by it.

I just feel so broken and every day I wish I would just eff off and die.

Think the core issue is I’m trapped in terror and always have been so any help/advice would be very much appreciated please.

I am a trained and practicing therapist in a different type of therapy but the best type of therapy for inner child work is Transactional Analysis. Some NHS primary services offer it but not all. It focuses a lot on inner child and also how we relate to others due to past experience. I also have experience of this type of therapy myself for childhood trauma and it’s worked wonders x

@SnowWhitesSM Not sure if any other post on Mumsnet has hit me like this comment "I do think inner child work is just getting to know yourself and who you were before your childhood trauma changed you. Make it an exciting adventure."
I was adopted at 6 weeks. My therapist has helped me to understand that I was emotionally neglected from then on. So how do I find out who I was before trauma changed me? Will have a chat in therapy next week, but wow do I feel gutpunched by that comment.

OP, sorry if the above has derailed a bit, and so sorry for what you have been through. I have been trying inner child work but find it very difficult to separate my heart and my head, i.e. some part of me knows my childhood was dysfunctional, disruptive etc., but the other part keeps making stupid excuses for my adoptive parents and wider adoptive family. I think being brought up as though your feelings are not only irrelevant, but stupid as well, has to screw your head up and needs professional help, and time, to unravel. Not a huge fan of mantras, but I would say keep in mind "It's not you, it's them".

Get up in your head and acknowledge that even on a basic human level you don't deserve the treatment you have had. Then sit in a comfortable space and try and bring that feeling down into your body. Easier said than done I know.

@Fluffylittlepup
Ah I’ve got something in my eye
Back at you @Fluffylittlepup
You have a lot to give and share and I truly hope you can find your way to loving yourself and coming to terms with what has happened to you.
Be patient with yourself. It’s taken me years and years.

How you going this morning @Fluffylittlepup ?

I really hope you find some peace of mind

what has helped me (tho admittedly same days are worse than others):

acknoweledging that if I saw/heard about a child who was being treated how I was, I’d want to protect that child. I would never shame them, convince them it was their fault, or laugh/reject them. I would try to save them.
it’s like a really basic thought, but it helped me because it helped me to acknowledge that I was let down by my caregivers. They should have done better. The blame is with them.
tjat reframing has done wonders for me. So weird how much shame I had like I deserved it?

growing things, just like you.
I love my plants so much. I have loads. The nurturing that you show to your plants is also nurturing you can show to yourself. You make sure they’re in the sun, and watered, and tended to etc because that love helps them ro thrive
you don’t scold them for a leaf going a bit brown or one not growing as tall as you wanted or if it grows wonky
because yoh just accept that’s what it is? And love it anyway. Same for you :)

Also a good reflection exercise I tried (obviously not diagnostical) is to write a list of personality or behavioural traits in your parents and sit with whatever feeling it brings up. Even just being aware of it is such a massive leap💕 xxx

Sorry to keep spamming but they do some really really lovely notepads at The Works at the mo for journaling and notes etc💕

Nate Postlethwait and Carolyn Spring have some really valuable resources and information.

www.carolynspring.com/start-here/

natewrites.com/

I have learnt a lot just from Nate Postlethwait's tweets. Real wisdom. Carolyn Spring has some excellent podcasts.

I haven't tried them but they both offer courses. I think Carolyn has some on sale price until the end of August.

Pete Walker is brilliant, definitely worth looking at. Arielle Schwartz has some good books on trauma and offers healing yoga videos.

I have a complete understanding of why I’m the way. I am

Can you tell us? There may be a flaw in your thinking that those of us who've had success can help you sort out, perhaps?

EMDR. Absolute game changer!

@Escapingafter50years well you were a lovely baby at 6 weeks old. All babies are born deserving of love, care, food and attention. No baby (or child) deserves any less. You deserved the building blocks of a good childhood and I'm really sorry you didn't get that. You still deserve those things, start trying to give them to yourself. You can't make up for what you didn't have but you have control over your future and how you treat yourself.

Yep Pete Walker and ACA

www.pete-walker.com/index.htm

www.adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk

Still working through it though so not 'better' but definitely feel like i'm getting somewhere

OK I have body keeps the score and The Pete walker one.

I was wondering whether anyone fancies a Read-Along with the Pete Walker one. We could share thoughts and reflections?

I agree that Pete Walker is great. You can go on his website and he has lots of resources. What might be particularly useful is understanding why you have flashbacks, he has a helpsheet on this.

Carolyn Spring is also wonderful. She has experienced lots of trauma herself, so really gets it. Many people find her book 'Unshamed' to be really helpful.

I would also look at EMDR or The Rewind Technique. They are both helpful in reducing the level of emotional charge, and unhooking the emotional charge from the past traumatic memories. This means that when you remember a past devastating memory, it remains in the past, rather than you experiencing it as if it is happening in the present (that's what happens in PTSD flashbacks). It reduces the level of shame you experiencing on a daily basis and allows you to access the parts of yourself that are kinder and gentler to yourself.

Another person that is great on shame is Brene Brown. She has several books but also lots of videos on YouTube you can access.

Deb Dana is also a cutting edge person for helping to reduce emotional stress levels and help you to return to calm. Her work is all about the nervous system and how to become familiar with your own nervous system to allow it to become more flexible so that you can return to a balanced emotional state, which allows you to cope with social engagement. A lot of her stuff is on YouTube too.

Have you ever done any yoga, Tai Chi or Pilates? They can also be helpful in calming the nervous system, as can EFT a tapping. Brad Yates has lots of YouTube videos.

There is so much hope OP that you can start to reconnect with your younger self who was so hurt and damaged. Once you do that you can start to heal.

Fluffy: currently, I have a photo of me at 4 years old and I’m looking at it every day asking her how I can help her. It’s not easy as I am ashamed of her/of me. Such awful shame and fear. How can I be a good protector of her when all I’ve ever done is let her and myself down?

---

She's talking to you & letting you get close more than you realise, I think. You feel her shame & fear. She's still in the moment of it whereas you've moved on & made a life for yourself - for all of yourself, including her. You've been a fine protector. You just need to welcome her into your current life, to let her know that time has moved on, that things are different now. Tell her that those things happened, but they're over now.

Draw a timeline & look at it & absorb how much time has passed since she was you/ you were her. I mean by that, draw a line on a piece of paper & at one end mark 0, that being the start of your life, & at the other end put your current age & 2022. Then mark on the line things like this child (with her age & the year), maybe when the abuse started & stopped if you know that. Add anything that comes up or seems significant. Ponder it, make realisations, show the child how much time has passed. And keep reassuring her.

Tell her that what happened to her happened, but it's over now. It's been over for a long time. Tell her you have a different life now, & she's very welcome to join you in it. Tell her that you want her to be happy & you can help her to be happy, & that you will heal together: that when she tells you her truth, you will both get better. Tell her that you love her & you're there for her. Tell her that she hasn't done anything wrong.

It may feel as though you're speaking into a void, or she may react, or you may feel the pressure going down. Be prepared for anything, basically!

And if things get more difficult sometimes, please know that this is perfectly normal. It's not a smooth path: it has its ups & downs. The times when it's more difficult are not a sign that it's all gone wrong or that things will never get better, so never despair. There is always hope, always another day.

It's also normal for things in the here & now to trigger old memories & feelings. They can be worked through safely & can lead to new breakthroughs.

I think you've done wonderfully already, & I send you all good wishes.

The Hoffman Process.

Do it. It saved my life. Went a very long way to fixing my childhood trauma in just the week, when weekly therapy hadn't touched the sides.

It's not cheap but it's truly wonderful - and I made friends for life.

These two videos are incredibly useful in understanding childhood abuse and the effect it has on our core beliefs;

I have successfully worked with people who had troubled childhoods - hypnosis/hypnotherapy/mind coaching allows direct communication with the part(s) of the subconscious that are holding on to negative self beliefs that were created in childhood.

Another one here who has found EMDR a total game changer. Talking therapies help with rational /intellectual understanding but EMDR and body based therapies go much deeper.
I found Pete Walker great in the past and of course, Body Holds the Score.

Not to disagree with you, but just to say that talking therapies can also go deeper than just reaching a rational understanding. The rational understanding they achieve is the route, not the end point.

OP just reread your posts and wanted to say that I'm in my late 60s too. As I said, EMDR and many other therapies have helped but I recognise where you are.

Even though I am calmer, clearer in my head, less triggered and reactive, less traumatised, I am currently often depressed, sometimes resentful and angry at how my life feels wasted because I didn't get help in the past and so much of my life now feels wasted. I know I have to make the best of what life I have left and I think I'm suffering from a lot of grief about the past but some days it is so hard to be upbeat. Hugs to you.

@Fluffylittlepup just checking in - hope you’re doing better and feeling less alone xx

@Fluffylittlepup
Also hope you are finding a bit of peace.