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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Has anyone had any success with inner child work?

72 replies

Fluffylittlepup · 13/08/2022 22:28

My abusive childhood has ruined my life despite me trying so hard to overcome it/learning to accept. Different therapies haven’t worked and something has happened recently to bring it all into sharp focus and I feel destroyed by it.

I just feel so broken and every day I wish I would just eff off and die.

Think the core issue is I’m trapped in terror and always have been so any help/advice would be very much appreciated please.

OP posts:
Fluffylittlepup · 13/08/2022 23:05

Thank you for all your help, I’ve made notes of the people you’ve mentioned.

I really do appreciate it and love and peace to you all who are also struggling.

OP posts:
FitFat · 13/08/2022 23:05

Talking therapy - worked to a point but on reflection all that ratiinalisation stuff was futile. I will always be a little bit like a lost child playing adult I think.

The principle of the body keeps the score works. I got it but didnt read it all. I do focus on calming my physical symptoms down with anxiety. Square breathing. Double nose breathing. Thr 5 4 3 2 1 methods etc. I havr heard ice cubes work too on wrist. I hug myself (squeeze arm) when I am anxious. I tell my body it is safe and so I feel calmer.

I also tell myself when I have bad thoughts "I love the part of you that is scared". Its hard to explain. But its about not resisting the bad thought but just accepting them. A bit like the buddhist / mindfullness type belief - just accepting the suffering for what it is.

Also to be honest making my life easier helps. Keeping myself away from stressful situations (e.g. packing too much in) and purposefully having a less high stress job helps.

I do find exercise helps. Moving. Dancing etc. I looked into EMDR but too expensive.

I also found making videos helped me on tiktok.i made a video and watched it back. I then reframed.my sentences and rerecorded what I wad saying with a more.positive spin on it etc. Its a little like journalling or putting a doing self therapy. Have a look at Tiktok. I know its seen as being for young people but there are some grrat accounts on there.

You sound like you are really struggling. I'm sorry. Its ok. You can talk to us xxx

SunflowerDuck · 13/08/2022 23:06

I still feel sad too. I feel i want to get over it now ive acknowledged it but im quite unwrll and struggle with so much.

I have the body keeps the score but scared to read it in case it just tells me all the awful things thY habe happened to my body (which i can believe!) But not anything to do about it and leave me feeling worse.

ThatshallotBaby · 13/08/2022 23:07

@Fluffylittlepup
Just stand by her. Just witness her. It really did help me taking my friend, I couldn’t open the door on my own, it took me ages to be able to stand there and hold her pain. Just go slowly.

OhTinyBear · 13/08/2022 23:11

OP, first of all huge sympathy because I do understand where you’re coming from. So first of all, please have a big imaginary hug in solidarity.

Secondly, not all therapies are right for everyone, and it’s good that you’re willing to try other therapy modalities despite your disappointing experiences so far. I hope it’s ok to share a few of the things that have been working for me.

In my 20s I had to learn some principles of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) - didn’t actually know that was what I was doing at the time, but I sort of had to teach myself those things. If I hadn’t managed that, I wouldn’t have made 30. So if you haven’t been able to access ACT yet, please do look into that.

Also, you don’t mention if you’ve tried EMDR therapy so apologies if you have and it hasn’t been useful for you. But it’s been very helpful for me and some of my friends (and an ex-partner) for complex PTSD symptoms, including some really awful childhood stuff. If you haven’t tried it, please do consider giving it a go. I thought it sounded utterly bonkers when it was described to me, my my ex talked me into trying it and it was a game-changer despite my scepticism!) You can have private sessions if you have the budget and have an EMDR specialist within travelling distance. Or there’s an app called Ed Can Help, which is a rolling monthly subscription (less than a tenner a month) - that’s what I use these days upon the recommendation of a very good psychiatrist, as I’ve also recently had some long-buried stuff forced upon me again. It sounds like you might need something specifically designed for helping work through trauma feelings, to help you process those alongside doing the inner child work.

I’m also having some transactional psychotherapy at the moment - I have some unfortunate life stressors I can’t do much about, and do need a bit of extra help dealing with things at the moment. This particular therapy is helping me understand where my feelings and reactions are rooted and how I can adapt to deal with them better. It’s not entirely about the inner child, it’s about the inner child in the individual context of you as the parent and the independent adult, and helping it become more secure.

I’ve also given in and gone on a low-dose antidepressant, which is making more difference than I was expecting it to - it’s not making me less miserable about the rubbish stuff I can’t control, but it’s doing wonders for my feelings of self-efficacy and determination to deal with the rubbish stuff.

You are amazingly strong to have got as far as you have despite your background and the things that happened to you. You don’t necessarily need to maintain contact with blood family members if you don’t want to. Having a “family of choice” instead is what gets me through. I have honorary sisters, an honorary brother, and some wonderful older female figures in my life who are all the things my mum wasn’t.

And having purpose is vital for your wellbeing. If you don’t love your job, that’s fine, for most people work is just a means to an end. if that’s the case for you, and if you have any time to yourself, you could do something you’re passionate about in the side - whether that’s volunteering with young people, maybe painting or another form of art, gardening/horticulture, studying for a certificate (or more) in something you’re interested in, or whatever. People often dismiss non-work activities as “just hobbies” as though they’re not important, but they can give you inner purpose and be a key part of the puzzle of being emotionally and psychologically well.

I wish you all the best.

PinktoothbrushBluetoothbrush · 13/08/2022 23:11

Sorry to reply so late but the Crappy Childhood Fairy was good for me, she has more practical and day to day practices to deal with Cptsd and stay regulated. X

EmeraldShamrock1 · 13/08/2022 23:12

I'm so sorry that you suffered badly and have been left traumatised.

Sometimes it is very sad to think about childhood but good to acknowledge how helpless you were, things were not in your control, if you could physically see that child now you'd save her from the pain.

I hope some wise experience pp's come along with good advice.

Do you have RL support.

Rowen32 · 13/08/2022 23:13

Fluffylittlepup · 13/08/2022 22:41

Thanks for those cat. Will have a look. I bought the book by Lucia Capacchione and only just started reading it. I can’t explain how beaten and hopeless I feel and so afraid I won’t succeed at the inner child work.

I desperately want to cure myself.

That book changed my life - its amazing! Inner child work saved me, I'm so happy now xxx

Fluffylittlepup · 13/08/2022 23:14

ThatshallotBaby · 13/08/2022 23:07

@Fluffylittlepup
Just stand by her. Just witness her. It really did help me taking my friend, I couldn’t open the door on my own, it took me ages to be able to stand there and hold her pain. Just go slowly.

Will that be ok to do for a while? I don’t have anyone in my life, I’m reclusive because I can’t deal with people so I need to be able to do this alone.

OP posts:
Fluffylittlepup · 13/08/2022 23:16

Rowen32 · 13/08/2022 23:13

That book changed my life - its amazing! Inner child work saved me, I'm so happy now xxx

Oh, that’s so hopeful! Thank you. Pleased for you!

OP posts:
Rowen32 · 13/08/2022 23:19

Fluffylittlepup · 13/08/2022 22:41

Thanks for those cat. Will have a look. I bought the book by Lucia Capacchione and only just started reading it. I can’t explain how beaten and hopeless I feel and so afraid I won’t succeed at the inner child work.

I desperately want to cure myself.

That book changed my life - its amazing! Inner child work saved me, I'm so happy now xxx

ThatshallotBaby · 13/08/2022 23:20

@Fluffylittlepup
Of course it is. You can stand outside the door. Is there anyone you trust you could take with you?
Could I just remind you that what happened is not your fault in any way. Try and welcome yourself to the world. You have as much right to be here as anyone else, and it is ok for you to be you, and feel your feelings, and think your thoughts. It is ok to be you fluffy.

Fluffylittlepup · 13/08/2022 23:22

OhTinyBear · 13/08/2022 23:11

OP, first of all huge sympathy because I do understand where you’re coming from. So first of all, please have a big imaginary hug in solidarity.

Secondly, not all therapies are right for everyone, and it’s good that you’re willing to try other therapy modalities despite your disappointing experiences so far. I hope it’s ok to share a few of the things that have been working for me.

In my 20s I had to learn some principles of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) - didn’t actually know that was what I was doing at the time, but I sort of had to teach myself those things. If I hadn’t managed that, I wouldn’t have made 30. So if you haven’t been able to access ACT yet, please do look into that.

Also, you don’t mention if you’ve tried EMDR therapy so apologies if you have and it hasn’t been useful for you. But it’s been very helpful for me and some of my friends (and an ex-partner) for complex PTSD symptoms, including some really awful childhood stuff. If you haven’t tried it, please do consider giving it a go. I thought it sounded utterly bonkers when it was described to me, my my ex talked me into trying it and it was a game-changer despite my scepticism!) You can have private sessions if you have the budget and have an EMDR specialist within travelling distance. Or there’s an app called Ed Can Help, which is a rolling monthly subscription (less than a tenner a month) - that’s what I use these days upon the recommendation of a very good psychiatrist, as I’ve also recently had some long-buried stuff forced upon me again. It sounds like you might need something specifically designed for helping work through trauma feelings, to help you process those alongside doing the inner child work.

I’m also having some transactional psychotherapy at the moment - I have some unfortunate life stressors I can’t do much about, and do need a bit of extra help dealing with things at the moment. This particular therapy is helping me understand where my feelings and reactions are rooted and how I can adapt to deal with them better. It’s not entirely about the inner child, it’s about the inner child in the individual context of you as the parent and the independent adult, and helping it become more secure.

I’ve also given in and gone on a low-dose antidepressant, which is making more difference than I was expecting it to - it’s not making me less miserable about the rubbish stuff I can’t control, but it’s doing wonders for my feelings of self-efficacy and determination to deal with the rubbish stuff.

You are amazingly strong to have got as far as you have despite your background and the things that happened to you. You don’t necessarily need to maintain contact with blood family members if you don’t want to. Having a “family of choice” instead is what gets me through. I have honorary sisters, an honorary brother, and some wonderful older female figures in my life who are all the things my mum wasn’t.

And having purpose is vital for your wellbeing. If you don’t love your job, that’s fine, for most people work is just a means to an end. if that’s the case for you, and if you have any time to yourself, you could do something you’re passionate about in the side - whether that’s volunteering with young people, maybe painting or another form of art, gardening/horticulture, studying for a certificate (or more) in something you’re interested in, or whatever. People often dismiss non-work activities as “just hobbies” as though they’re not important, but they can give you inner purpose and be a key part of the puzzle of being emotionally and psychologically well.

I wish you all the best.

That’s really helpful, thank you. I have been looking into EMDR and would love to try it. I’m making notes of everything you’ve all suggesting so thank you very much.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 13/08/2022 23:25

Following this.

I have heard good things about EMDR but must follow up on it. Covid lockdown getting in the way....

Thanks for starting this thread OP.

Schtuck · 13/08/2022 23:26

Oh yes dancing - 5 rhythms type thing.

Equine therapy - horses are amazing for calming the system.

Sit down talking therapy didn't work for me. Talking made it worse somehow. Words weren't the right way for me.

What has helped a lot is finding things to do out there which calm my system.

The sea
Listing to someone one like Eckhart Tolle speak - the way he speaks just calms my system
Singing
Dancing
Telling myself I'm a good girl

Realising I was able to find ways to calm that terrified little girl helped me no end.

Fluffylittlepup · 13/08/2022 23:26

ThatshallotBaby · 13/08/2022 23:20

@Fluffylittlepup
Of course it is. You can stand outside the door. Is there anyone you trust you could take with you?
Could I just remind you that what happened is not your fault in any way. Try and welcome yourself to the world. You have as much right to be here as anyone else, and it is ok for you to be you, and feel your feelings, and think your thoughts. It is ok to be you fluffy.

I have no one and it’s the only way I can cope with life. People scare me and I know that sounds pathetic. I love my garden, making things grow, nature, birds. Those things make life worth living. But I am understanding that as a human being I am pretty pointless. I’d like to feel differently. I really would.

OP posts:
SlaveToTwoTabbyCats · 13/08/2022 23:26

I really get this... I feel like I can't get away from the fear too.

I did CBT for years and found some techniques helpful, but the therapist didn't get the trauma - she let me talk about it, but just wanted me to move on from it. That's not going to work for me. It's affected my whole life.

So you need a psychologist who specialises in trauma, and hopefully uses EMDR as part of it. I have done some of this and have found it's not working in extreme situations, but it is in smaller ones. Part of my problem is that I'm lurching from one crisis to another in the present as well so not in the best shape to deal with it all. But my lovely therapist recognises this, recognises my small achievements, acknowledges that my life is hard, never makes me feel bad because I 'failed' at something. We talk a lot about knowing the different parts of myself (eg the 6 year old who watched her dad beat her mum) and taking care of them.

I'm on ADs and anxiety meds too.

I hope it gets better for you. For me, sometimes just knowing I have the right person listening helps a lot.

Fluffylittlepup · 13/08/2022 23:30

Iflyaway · 13/08/2022 23:25

Following this.

I have heard good things about EMDR but must follow up on it. Covid lockdown getting in the way....

Thanks for starting this thread OP.

You’re welcome Iflyaway, I truly hope it helps us both. Hope a virtual hug from me is ok?

OP posts:
ThatshallotBaby · 13/08/2022 23:31

@Fluffylittlepup
You don’t sound pathetic at all. You sound courageous. Have you got a pet? Or a favourite flower or place?
Stand there in that place. You don’t have to do anything, just be there. Even if it’s for a second.

Fluffylittlepup · 13/08/2022 23:40

ThatshallotBaby · 13/08/2022 23:31

@Fluffylittlepup
You don’t sound pathetic at all. You sound courageous. Have you got a pet? Or a favourite flower or place?
Stand there in that place. You don’t have to do anything, just be there. Even if it’s for a second.

I have a little piece of my garden that’s completely private, I can sit on my step and feel such love watching the birds and the beautiful plants I’ve grown. It is literally all I have. If I could heal my terrified inner child, this would be the place to do it. Thank you ThatshallotBaby for being so understanding and kind.

OP posts:
Paddleandbail · 13/08/2022 23:44

AceSpades54321 · 13/08/2022 22:41

I’ve found internal family systems therapy to be great help for recovering from CPTSD, the key is finding a therapist you feel comfortable with.

This! I tried Freudian psychotherapy and CBT but neither taught me how to fix what I felt was wrong. Internal family systems is the only thing that has actually made me able to let go of trauma and learn how to live without my awful childhood dictating my emotions. It’s a bit weird while you’re doing it but it’s actually amazing. I think it enables your subconscious to be heard and to heal.

OhTinyBear · 13/08/2022 23:44

It doesn’t sound pathetic in the slightest. It sounds like a perfectly normal response to deep-seated trauma. You protect yourself by staying away from people - it’s logical, not pathetic at all. Is it ideal? No, probably not - but you’re working on that.

As for being pointless as a human being, not at all! And I’m so sorry to hear that’s how you feel. But, even if you only did the things you do now for the rest of your life, you would still leave a net positive effect because of your work on your garden, supporting biodiversity in your local ecosystem, and directly benefiting non-human animals.

You’ve also had a positive effect for other posters here, because you’ve started a conversation that’s already helping others learn what they might be able to do to help themselves heal as well. Just by making the post that started this thread, you’ve helped total strangers. And those are just two examples of your worth.

It’s hard to be kind to yourself when you’ve dealt with a lifetime of having unkindness imprinted on you by others. You’ve got to train your self-compassion like a muscle. You don’t sound pathetic or pointless, you sound strong and brave just for the fact of having made it this far x

ThatshallotBaby · 13/08/2022 23:45

Ok. So maybe just sit on your step and feel as ok as you can, then just think about yourself as a child, maybe nothing super painful, just little you.
Just be with her, even if it’s for a second, send her what you can, a little love or warmth, then come back to your step and the birdsong and the garden.

I send you all the good things @Fluffylittlepup, you have my respect.

baroqueandblue · 13/08/2022 23:49

A book recommendation from me, OP. I've found this author very understanding and gentle, and she also offers lots of effective practical steps.

smile.amazon.co.uk/Getting-Through-Day-Strategies-Children/dp/0393312429/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?crid=1SXTA4IVC83WH&keywords=getting+through+the+day+strategies+for+adults+hurt+as+children&qid=1660430346&sprefix=getting+through+the+day+%2Caps%2C140&sr=8-2

Fluffylittlepup · 13/08/2022 23:52

OhTinyBear and ThatShallotBaby: I can’t express enough how your understanding and kindness has touched me. Thank you so much, it really means a lot.

to know there are good people like you in the world makes me feel less lonely. Bless you.

OP posts: