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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Daughter Has Just Disclosed Rape...

43 replies

nevermore · 13/08/2022 17:18

I'm rather lost and looking for support. My DD (17) has just told me that last night she was raped by a man in a nightclub while she was drunk and he sober. We are on a family holiday abroad and both our teenagers have friends with them here. I have hugged and reassured her that this is entirely the perpetrators shame, none on her and that she did nothing wrong. I have asked her if she'd like to report it but she wants to "forget" it. I realise this is of course her choice though unlikely she will. I didn't say that last bit. I have also said that I'm here for whatever she needs and if she'd like to talk to a professional at home we'll set that up. I've said she can call it whatever she likes but in law it's rape. It was her first time, he used a condom. The part I need advice on is that she's asked me not to tell her dad who is with us here. I feel I must honour her decision but am frozen and tearful. I absolutely want to prioritise her but feel isolated and helpless. I don't want to tell anyone she knows i.e. my friends as it is hers to say what happens to her story. Sharing here anonymously feels like the safe option. Thank you.

OP posts:
AceSpades54321 · 13/08/2022 17:21

Which country are you in? If it’s somewhere like Dubai deffo DO NOT report it. If somewhere in Europe get in contact with the British Embassy and ask for assistance. It needs to be reported, other girls are at risk.

Snowdropsarelovely · 13/08/2022 17:24

What a horrible situation, but it is good that your daughter could confide in you. I really hope that you are both ok Flowers hopefully other people will be able to post more helpful advice than me

changingroom · 13/08/2022 17:24

She needs the morning after pill and an std check.

I'm so sorry this has happened to her.

Discrimination1234 · 13/08/2022 17:26

It’s the shame. She will want to hide away. The last thing she wants is to be interrogated let alone have anyone examine her genitals.

In the future though, she is going to be incredibly angry at the violation. She will want revenge, want to vent etc.

The experience if every rape victim I know has been that reporting is at best stressful
and counterproductive. If there is video she could possibly get him convicted, especially if there is video evidence. I would definitely check with the nightclub owners as well as report to them, so it doesn’t happen to anyone else.

Support your daughter, let her talk in her own time. Don’t let her internalise the fear and shame. It’s not her fault the man is a rapist. It’s his fault.

LaSavoie · 13/08/2022 17:31

I would not encourage her to report it. Sadly, the hell that she will go through, and in a foreign country, will be unbearable.

Do not tell her dad either.

Your poor DD

nevermore · 13/08/2022 17:34

Thank you all. I want to make sure she has agency especially in light of the violation she has suffered so will be guided by her but appreciate all your points.

OP posts:
Igmum · 13/08/2022 20:14

So so sorry OP. Sending love and a handhold Flowers

Motnight · 13/08/2022 20:17

Thank goodness your dd was able to tell you, Op.

billy1966 · 13/08/2022 21:45

God love you.
How absolutely devastating.
The poor pet.
Even though you must want your husbands support, don't say anything.

I know it sounds ridiculous but he may not be able to cope and it could just bring drama, upset and distraction that you both don't need.

This happened a friend of a friends daughter when she was inter railing some years ago.
Her father ended up in counselling such was his devastation and anger at her violation.
I could well imagine my husband not coping at all.
Also she may not want to see her fathers pity and upset.
Seeing such pain reflected back at you is awful.
So if you can keep it to yourself, could you go home early, if that would help?
Definitely look into support for yourself too.

I'm so very sorry for you both.

category12 · 13/08/2022 21:51

I'm so sorry.

When are you back home? Can you get hold of the morning after pill where you are, just in case? She has a 72 hrs window for it, I think.

Sapphirensteel · 13/08/2022 21:52

I’m so sorry this has happened, this is my absolute nightmare as a mother. I can imagine how shocked and traumatised both you and your DD are.
Even though she thinks he used a condom she needs the morning after pill. And an STI check.
For support rapecrisis.org.uk
www.thesurvivorstrust.org
Some advice www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

nevermore · 14/08/2022 07:19

Thank you again all and I agree with you Billy1966 re her dad, I think his sorrow would prevent her getting to a new normal and he could never mask that he knew. We're travelling home today, I'm not pushing any conversation especially while her best friend is with her but will get the pill on Monday. Apparently there is one you can take up to 5 days afterwards. STD check I'll leave to her but encourage her to talk if she gets any symptoms. Your support has been so helpful at this horrible time.

OP posts:
Furore · 14/08/2022 13:59

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. My dd was raped in her first year at uni when she had her drink spiked by an acquaintance but a very close friend of some of her friends with her that evening. She called me to tell me and I was in the same room as my dh, her dad, at the time of the phonecall, so he knew straight away. My advice would be to tell him with her permission. My dh has been pragmatic and calm about it but your dd will need support from both of you in the years to come. He will only be able to give this support if he knows. Please pm me if you need to. My dd had to take anti hiv medication for more than a month afterwards which came with the knock on side effect of fatigue. It could be difficult for your husband to be understanding and sympathetic without him knowing.

IamSarah · 14/08/2022 16:41

I am so sorry OP.

How is she doing? Can you say what country you are in?

You won't be able to report it once you are back home it will have to be in the country where you are, if she does change her mind.

It's not something she will forget but it will be something she will learn to live with. It's good she has told you.

Don't tell her dad, it's important not to break her trust.

feelingfree17 · 14/08/2022 21:32

I am just so sorry you are both having to go through this terrible ordeal.
You sound like a wonderful Mum.

Badger1970 · 14/08/2022 21:38

Your poor DD but it's brilliant that she was able to tell you this.

I'd get home, and then look at getting her some professional support.

bluejelly · 14/08/2022 21:51

A similar thing happened to my dd. It broke my heart at the time. I was devastated. It was not what I wanted for her first time at all.
But she got through it. We both got through it.
It is so great that your dd told you, it really is. I totally respect and understand her decision to not tell the police. (My dd didn't want to either.)
It has been several years now and I've seen my dd overcome what happened, to grow and flourish. She has had counselling (and so have I).
It is is not a 'club' she wanted to join. But she is a survivor and she is strong and it didn't break her. Sending love and support to you and your dd Flowers

bloodyunicorns · 14/08/2022 21:54

Your poor dd. Lots of love and support to her. Agree with MAP and STD checks. Big hugs to you both.

SeptemberGurl · 15/08/2022 07:43

I was your DD. I am delighted she confided in you. That will be a great support going forward. There will be difficult times ahead. People read about this stuff, but until it happens i don't think you can fully understand, both for the victim and their loved ones. I reached out and got good support. My mum also got counseling.

I wish you and family all the best.

Reporting has to remain the choice of your DD. The process is very very difficult, regardless of how good the system. I did it, my choice, as i was sure he'd done that before, it was the right decision for me.

nevermore · 15/08/2022 22:26

Thank you so very much everyone, by so kindly sharing what you've been through you've given me the strength to hold it together. We're all home now. DD a little shaky but still living her life, have heard her laugh and she has had MAP. Friends coming tomorrow to see her. Again 🙏

OP posts:
Snowdropsarelovely · 16/08/2022 04:34

Nevermore- you're an amazing mum. Sending lots of strength for you and your daughter. Please try to get some support for yourself too

Iceicebaby123 · 16/08/2022 04:41

Sorry I don't have any advice. Just wanted to say how brave of her coming to you! You must be a fantastic mother

Furore · 16/08/2022 15:29

Nevermore thankyou for the update. So pleased your dd has such strong support from her family and friends.
I saw a few posters said they themselves as mothers had counselling. I never did but so wish I had done. My dd didn't either because legally it could be used as evidence in a trial.
I couldn't even tell any family or friends although so I think counselling would have been helpful. At the time I just didn't think anything would help.

Pinkbonbon · 16/08/2022 16:08

Maybe not so easy now that you are home but i would report it to the nightclub. So their security can keep watch. Perhaps it was a secluded area of the club that needs better lighting or something as it's a blind spot. I would have went and spoken to the bouncers at the club whilst there but you're home now so...maybe they have an email? I'd also email all the other local clubs.

Pinkbonbon · 16/08/2022 16:10

(You cold also give them a description of who to watch out for. You never know, it might be a local preying on tourists)

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