Frenemies

[GoodTennis]

Im not even sure why I am posting, I suppose I know the answer and I am doing the right thing.

Ive had a small friendship group since school. One of them has always been highly competitive about everything. I am the opposite, competition makes me "nope".
She always tries to make situations to have one on one time with another friend from the group. Whether that be meeting her first (even if it makes no logical sense) or actually running to sit next to her on a table.

Things like this don't bother me. I'm quite happy in my own company.
I am quite often totally left out of events, finding out by a series of gushing facebook posts detailing how amazing a time they've had.

Other friends outside of this group point out how bad their behaviour is but I think because I (was/am/working through) a total people pleaser, I just take it on the chin and await an invite.

When I am invited it's always really awkward, I never know what's happening in peoples lives because it was discussed at events I wasn't invited to or in their other group chat.

Outside of all this nonsense I have been working on my boundaries and focussing on what makes me happy. I've been incredibly success in this at work, with family, so it became time to shine the light on friends.

A situation occured where I had been once again, the absolute last priority or thought. Just expected to tow the line and appreciate the breadcrumbs of friendship thrown at me.
After waiting over an hour for them, sat, looking out the window for them. I said I'm not going anymore and muted the chat.

4 days later I had the least apologetic apology from the competitive friend. It was possibly one of the most narcissistic messages i have ever read. All the issues she has in her life, and my reaction was probably because I'm stressed at work. Certainly not because I have had my fill of being treated like crap!

I didnt reply. Part of me thinks its petty of me, but I cant be bothered with an argument. I dont want to argue. Her behaviour is her behaviour, I cannot change it but I can choose not to engage.

Anyway bar feeling like I should have explained myself to them, I feel pretty ok with my decision, but the "look how good friends we are", "look at how much of a good time we are having" posts persist. So my next step may have to be unfriending.

Has anyone else experienced similar?

Yep ive had this
Ghosted them hard after years
Their head spun and they spread around I had 'mental health issues' and I had a 'breakdown'

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

All because I got sick of being spoken to like a child, left out of events, spoken over on dinners out etc

They never expected me to do anything about ir as they already seen me as a doormat - that made their reaction to me even bigger

Also the majority of these woman all hate each other
Now they dont have you to pick on they will start on someone else

Wow! This is the part of me that is getting annoyed though, I want to put them right 😂 I suppose I just have to accept peace.

Im just too old for it.
I know ultimately it's me who changed, but Im not going to change back.

Thats where I was for years. I have other friends, but I would rather none than this.
Everytime I came home DH saw I had been hurt.
Nasty little digs, never happy for me. I've had to hide my life from them because I don't DARE say I've had a promotion or bought a new sofa. I have to downplay anything they notice like a new bag or shoes because it always turns nasty!
Im not rich by any means, I work incredibly hard for everything I have and have overcome a lot to get there!

Isn't this so sad.
But I know where you are coming from.

I've had a version of this, where a group of nice women who I like contains one woman who is trying to expel me from the group. being a people pleaser I would have just stapled on a smile and accepted her presence but no she has to get rid of me. Has happened twice in groups I had every right to be in. Maybe it's happened more than that.

I'm less of a people pleaser now and I really identify with that feeling of ''competition? Nope''. and I wonder if that triggers a covert scapegoating narc??

I think if people viewed you as a doormat when you were all younger, it's very hard for them to re-categorise you.

One of the women who got rid of me out of a group, she is very competitive and I'm not competitive at all so I cannot make complete sense out of it. But she ranks people, I do sense that, as withing the group people are either 'high status' or 'low status' and she fawns obsequiously over the people she's decided are high status and ices ...... well, me. I was low status. I guess to be brutal it's true. Single mother, no degree, no fancy job....... but it was a group I had every right to be in. The connection I had to the group was the same as her connection to the group but she just decided I was too low status. It was an insight in to her thinking.

But point I was going to make, over the years, I've healed enough to see dysfunctional dynamics but not healed enough to not react to them, so she was triggering me by casting me in the role of beneath her. Once upon a time I suppose I would have taken my place beneath her, but now, I was inadvertently sending out signals that I wasn't taking my place beneath her. I guess that triggered her to ice me out of the group.

I have learnt I am far happier in one-to-one friendships, and I have left any friendship groups.

Totally agree with this

Mines started as a single woman - no husband and no children - thats when the real nastiness set in.

Then I got a huge job promotion and their attitude changed - fawning over me
Totally pathetic

They had asigned me a role that it was very hard to get out of unless I physically removed myself from the group

I was the first to marry, the first to buy a house. Its incredible how much they hold that against me despite some really AWFUL things which have happened to me.
Other friends have championed me, how things all worked out, seeing me rise from the hole I was in.
It's not as if I live in a palace. I have a very averagely sized and priced house. But I suppose if its things they dont have it could be Buckingham Palace in comparison.
One time they came round and the competitive one commented on a vase I had just got. I happily boasted about it only being £2 from the range! Her reaction to me was as if I had just bragged about getting my 10th hermes bag or something! She felt like I was bragging, which I was - about how CHEAP it was! She totally and purposefully missed the point and made me feel awful! Over 2 quid...

I find female friendship groups very difficult. I become someone I don't even recognise. Either I am as bland and quiet as possible to fit in... or I speak my mind and am either resented or put on a pedestal.
None of that shit appeals. So I now just socialise with other happy loners.

I had similar with an old school friendship group. I moved away in my mid 20s, worked hard on my career, started a family earlier etc.
Kept in touch with them, but there seemed to be a growing undercurrent of resentment I'd "fucked them all off and left"... I just thought it was being a grown up and carving out the life I wanted. Which wasn't the life I had as a child.

They all sort of stuck together. Still live in the same area, family's growing up at the same life stages etc. It looks nice if you like that sort of thing, like a big extended family. With all of the support / dramas that entails.

Anyway, still met up for big occasions like birthdays / weddings but every time I went I felt like a celebrity for the first hour.. and then a nobody for the rest of the evening as they all clicked into talking about last / next weekend. Neither dynamic is much fun and it dawned on me this wasn't time well spent.

Nature just took its course in our 40s. I faded and they faded me. The invites from them were less often, my replies became more protracted. I muted group chats and then when I periodically got a new phone forgot to transfer some of them. It was always on my list of things to do tomorrow, just never todays priority.

No big fall outs or dramas (that I know of!) just not really in touch any more.
I think it's fine and works best. They're very nice people and I wish them every happiness and success in their lives, but they're also 'people I used to know' rather than 'old friends' as we don't have much in common any more and we've not been in each other's lives for many years.

Plus I'm not sentimental - I look forwards not back which is a strength and a curse. Even when I did attend the events, the talk of school days etc is just boring to me. Its all cloudy memories of a time that's just not relevant anymore. So no, I don't really remember our geography teacher unfortunately.. hasn't crossed my mind for 25 years.

We're in different circles these days and it would be through pure chance if our paths ever cross again. If they did I'd happily enjoy a spontaneous bottle of wine / how are you keeping hour or two, but that's probably about it. And if they didn't want that then a how nice to bump into you / cheery best wishes on my way out the door would also be fine.

Life's too short to do it any other way imo 😊

It's when you mute group chat that it's the beginning of the end LOL

Well obviously im not happy youve all experienced such awful ppl... but im happy its not just me.
Incidentally, the competitive one had several fallings out over covid with people. All the people had snapped and had enough of her nastiness and just couldnt be bothered with it. I think this was a massive factor for me realising I wasnt the problem!

No. I'd rather stop seeing them altogether and do stuff by myself than that.

I went to an all girl's school, it was rife. My friendship group is also like this. I'm beyond caring much anymore. I work predominantly with men as a result and am happy that I have a son who won't have go through the petty female friendship life that I've had. I prefer having individual friends now than big friendship groups where it's too political and catty.

sounds like you made the absolute right decision. I would unfriend them so you don’t even have to see the posts and politely cut of anyone who tries to report back on anything they’ve said. Just cut off all links as far as possible.

I’m a recovering people pleaser to and have lost a few friendships since being more assertive and direct. However it has carried me well into some new friendships that feel a lot more healthy and less stressful. For example with a new friend recently we were arranging a meet up and she suggested her partner and child coming, this wasn’t what I wanted (wanted an adult meet up) so I just said directly I’d be happier with just us as I want some time kid free, she said ok and that was that. Wi the previous friends it’s have been a drama - “well I want to spend time with the kids.” Passive aggressive response etc.

You get back what you put out. If your direct, kind, fair but assertive in new relationships I’m sure you find new friends who treat you much better.

I brought my daughter a book called Queen Bees and Wanna Bees when she was at primary as she had this - the mothers were ranked and thus children.

I am very academic x3 degrees and x3 houses at the time but I wouldn’t play and buy into the ranking. I went alone and organised my own play dates.

please for your own piece of mind walk away and make new friends

i think that women whose mothers raised them to be people pleasers are more susceptible to this ranking by covert scapegoating types.

I used to bend with the wind and in one way I had no problems when I obligingly took my place beneath whoever was posturing. it was only when I healed enough to say things like ''no, that's not what I said would you mind not misquoting me there'' eg that I was turned on if you like, iced out.

These are definitely not your friends. Maybe before they were, but not now. As unpleasant, as hurtful as this may be, just move forwards and don’t waste your precious time and energy on them. Real friendships should never be this hard.

Oh wow this thread is timely for me. I'm currently in a group like this and am finding it very draining.

The most competitive one is one of my best friends but am finding too much to cope with lately. It's all the drama, race to the bottom, competitiveness and blatant fibbing. I have muted the group and I'm less active in discussions.

I haven't mentioned any issues but another friend of the group said "friendships change as we get older" so either she's thinking the same or she's noticed I'm beginning to feel drained.

I love them all so much. Individually. But together it's like witches around a cauldron.

I know exactly the kind of person you are talking about. I would 100% ditch her. Often, people like that stay just pleasant enough to keep you hanging on - like an abusive partner. Would you miss her? I bet you wouldn’t.

It’s easy for me to say that, of course, because I’m an introvert and rarely crave company. I have ghosted several friends over the years and don’t miss any of them. It’s probably common. If you got the average person to list all their friends, then put a tick next to the ones they truly loved, a circle next to the ones they liked but wouldn’t miss, and an x next to the ones they secretly despised, you’d be shocked by the number of circles and x’s.

I'm in almost the exact same situation. The way I've described it is always being 'bottom of the pile'. Whenever anyone else asks for arrangements to work around them (time, locations etc) everyone is more than willing to oblige. Whenever I ask I'm being difficult. That's not the only issue but It's been going on for years, and I finally decided a few months ago I need to step away. It's hard, one girl I've been friends with since I was 2 - 36yrs, and the others since teenagers. They're all I know but I also know I deserve better and I've been putting up with being 'bottom of the pile' for far too long. The thing I don't get is I've never been unkind to anyone, always made an effort to see and speak to them and care about their lives. But for whatever reason it just isn't reciprocated. I had to accept no friends are better than bad ones. It's going to start getting awkward as there's still 4 others in the wider group I want to stay friends with, manly guys and one of the women. I don't want anyone else to feel awkward so I'll just have to stay away from group get togethers to protect myself. I don't know how it's all going to play out when they finally realise (decided 2 months ago and I don't think theyve noticed so far which says it all) Sad but I know it's the right thing to do.