Frenemies

[GoodTennis]

Im not even sure why I am posting, I suppose I know the answer and I am doing the right thing.

Ive had a small friendship group since school. One of them has always been highly competitive about everything. I am the opposite, competition makes me "nope".
She always tries to make situations to have one on one time with another friend from the group. Whether that be meeting her first (even if it makes no logical sense) or actually running to sit next to her on a table.

Things like this don't bother me. I'm quite happy in my own company.
I am quite often totally left out of events, finding out by a series of gushing facebook posts detailing how amazing a time they've had.

Other friends outside of this group point out how bad their behaviour is but I think because I (was/am/working through) a total people pleaser, I just take it on the chin and await an invite.

When I am invited it's always really awkward, I never know what's happening in peoples lives because it was discussed at events I wasn't invited to or in their other group chat.

Outside of all this nonsense I have been working on my boundaries and focussing on what makes me happy. I've been incredibly success in this at work, with family, so it became time to shine the light on friends.

A situation occured where I had been once again, the absolute last priority or thought. Just expected to tow the line and appreciate the breadcrumbs of friendship thrown at me.
After waiting over an hour for them, sat, looking out the window for them. I said I'm not going anymore and muted the chat.

4 days later I had the least apologetic apology from the competitive friend. It was possibly one of the most narcissistic messages i have ever read. All the issues she has in her life, and my reaction was probably because I'm stressed at work. Certainly not because I have had my fill of being treated like crap!

I didnt reply. Part of me thinks its petty of me, but I cant be bothered with an argument. I dont want to argue. Her behaviour is her behaviour, I cannot change it but I can choose not to engage.

Anyway bar feeling like I should have explained myself to them, I feel pretty ok with my decision, but the "look how good friends we are", "look at how much of a good time we are having" posts persist. So my next step may have to be unfriending.

Has anyone else experienced similar?

They sound bitchy and insecure.

I’ve had friends like this in the past. Not all women are like that, you’re just friends with the wrong type that’s all. There are plenty of amazing women out there but you have to be cutthroat with friends sometimes - as soon as you see toxic behavior, step away. If you want decent friends, you have to make room for them in the first place.

Ive said this to other friends. I wouldnt accept this behavior from my husband. I would get up and leave.
So why i put up with being belittled. Being made to hide any successes or failures in my life and basically do what I'm told is beyond me.

Im also a huge introvert. Im incredibly happy in my own company.

I think i just put up with it because i felt like i would have no friends. Which isnt even true!

@alwaysmovingforwards Post is wonderful.

It sounds like they don’t like you changing and doing well. I’ve known lots of friends act in a similar way, especially those I knew when I was younger with a wilder life and a bit more of a people pleaser.

To anyone on this thread saying that they'd rather put up with this behaviour than have no friends, well maybe think of it like this; in that particular group you don't have friends, - because friends don't behave like that to eachother. So maybe by letting go of that group, you will leave more room to find even one decent friend. There is only a finite amount of time in life, don't waste it on people who make you feel shit. It could be better spent on YOU and people who like you
💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

That is so true!

Well said @Crucible and I just wish that around 25 or so years ago I'd read a thread like this one, and realised what some of my so-called friends were really like. It would have made me realise just how many of them in my 'friendship' group thought of me as a peripheral hanger-on. It was a large group with what I now recognise as a monstrous Queen Bee at the centre.

If I had recognised them for what they were, I'd have ditched the whole toxic lot far sooner, and with much less angst than when I finally ghosted them.

Great post @Crucible

Thank you for this thread, it puts my frenemies situation in perspective. We all deserve better.💐

We’ve all had frenemies but I feel you have maybe been too passive. I now have the hide of a rhino and I generally deal with little digs with good humour and a one liner @Yes it is goid to see I’ve filled out a little- I love food and I look great! Thanks for the compliment!😁”

”How are you frenemy? You look great!!!! What is that perfume? Gorgeous! How are you? I see I’ve missed a few events- looks like my invite must have got lost in the post haha! Tell me everything!” Etc

Don’t let them push you out, push yourself back in. If you want to go, that is. I feel you have given up. Some people see slightly low self esteem and take advantage. The trick is, if you are good humoured, laughing AND telling them off they can’t avoid answering. It knocks them off balance.

In any relationship you negotiate the boundaries. What has happened is that you haven’t demanded your spot in the inner circle. You said yourself you don’t like bitching. I have friend groups where I’ve substituted other things for the bitchy comments, whether it be mutual admiration, jokey banter(usually this to be fair) talk of hobbies or something else.

Don’t give up on friend groups because this one hasn’t worked out, approach it a different way. Not all friend groups are like this.

Don’t be pushed into the reacting and being accused of sulking etc. Make sure any replies you send are cheerful, friendly and strong.

Why oh why do we waste so much head-space on arseholes.
It’s so simple when you stop being a wimp (no disrespect):
Fuck those that fuck you - and don’t look back.

They don’t give a flying fuck about you, so end it immediately.

Good tennis

Yes experienced this when we were the first in the friendship group to buy a house/ marry . To them it was an injustice. Didn't fit the script they had written for us . It was shocking and insulting to know how little we were expected to achieve in life ! We cut off . Never looked back . Carved out a new life .

They've posted the same enforced fun picture 5 times over the weekend. Its quite frankly bizarre if you ask me.

Ive outgrown it. Its boring. I have work tomorrow... i need to shave my legs, theres just other things to worry about 😂

Everyone gets to the point where stale friendships get weeded out of their lives.
Think of it as normal, a natural ‘shedding’!
Time to move on either in quiet dignity or just reply and say ‘I think it’s time that you fuck off now’ and block.
Whichever makes you happy!

I’m a recovering people pleaser too. I’m introverted and independent, so friendship groups don’t naturally occur. I’ve had to work at them. However, I’m done putting in the effort for relationships which are less than enjoyable, and with people who try to put me down. I love my solo, interesting, lifestyle. Best thing I ever did.

ZOMBIE

Hmm. Interesting comment Zombie. In caps no less. Would you like to elaborate or does your vocabulary not reach to full sentences.

Do you not understand that you've resurrected a Zombie from 2 years ago??

What's wrong with doing that ?

New to mums net, zombie threads, and all this nonsense. You can always shoot me for it.