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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Newly ex refuses to move out

27 replies

thetrappedwife · 12/08/2022 17:58

yesterday, I finally cracked and told my boyfriend that I don’t love him anymore and I don’t want to be with him. There are numerous reasons why the relationship didn’t work out; including his constant grumpy/moanyness and the fact he is very controlling and manipulative. He was very upset but agreed he would save for a new place and move out when he could. I said that was fine and he could come and see the kids whenever he wanted to and I would help him move and get settled in.

fast forward to today he woke up in a rage and told me he refuses to leave because it’s ‘his’ house and he has a right to be here and I can’t kick him out. If I want to break up I have to leave.

we have a joint tenancy on a housing association house and we have 2 preschoolers for whom I am the main carer and he works 12 hours a day 5 days a week. He threatend to end the tenancy and make us all homeless or take me to court and take my children off of me if I make his life difficult.

his name is on the tenancy so I can’t make him leave any more than he can make me but where does that leave me? I have to just put up with it and live with him forever even after ending the relationship? I feel like a prisoner in my own home cursed to be controlled by him forever! I thought breaking up would finally give me back control of my own life but clearly not

i have no idea what to do

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 12/08/2022 18:07

Is he the children’s father?
If so, perhaps you both can discuss how you can work together to make sure the children are ok.

However, if this was a surprise to him, he is probably in shock and reacting with anger

Original poster
thetrappedwife · 12/08/2022 18:16

He is, today he has just behaved as normal laying around on his phone except when he took our eldest out for an hour this morning.

he is angry and I understand that but aggressive turned down my suggestion to stay at his mothers house for a week or so to get some space and calm down before we tackle how things will work in the long run

OP posts:
layladomino · 12/08/2022 18:22

I know it makes more practical sense for you to stay put in your current home, and him to find somewhere else, but if he is going to refuse to leave, then if I were you I'd start looking for somewhere for you and the children to move to. If nothing else, it will show him that you are serious, and he might even then agree to move out himself. At the moment he is continuing his controlling behaviour by refusing to leave, and he thinks you will rethink and cave in and that you will go back to being his subservient partner. He thinks if he sticks it out long enough you'll give in. Either that or he's just enjoying upsetting you and having that control over you.

So - first things first - don't let him see he's bothered you. Plan plenty of stuff out of the house that doesn't involve him, be civil and polite but don't let him see you're frustrated or worried.

Then - look for somewhere yourself. You might find somewhere you really like. In the meantime he might agree to move out (and make sure you do it properly and get his name taken off the agreement straight away if so), but if not at least you have a plan B ready.

Original poster
thetrappedwife · 12/08/2022 18:26

I don’t work as I have been home looking after the children since my youngest was born (almost 2) and so will need to rely on universal credit until my youngest is in nursery/school and I can finally get back to work; this means I don’t have any money for a deposit on a new place and I know a lot of private landlords don’t accept universal credit tenants; is finding a new place still viable?

i don’t doubt everything else you’ve said is true; he claims it’s because he cannot bare to be away from his children but he hardly looks at them. It’s all about the control

OP posts:
CrossStichQueen · 12/08/2022 18:27

Contact the HA and ask for help to move.

Please don't worry about him taking the children off you.
He works 12 hours a day he will not a) be able to work those hours and have DC full time and b) he won't want to. Its just a threat.

You have made the decision to leave him and trust me his behaviour will prove you made the right decision.

Original poster
thetrappedwife · 12/08/2022 18:34

I’ll give them a call on Monday and see if they can help me

i have to admit I’m afraid of his reaction if he finds out I’m ‘plotting to get rid of him’ he has an awful temper and can be aggressive/nasty. I’m assuming speaking to the HA would be discreet?

OP posts:
Lineala · 12/08/2022 18:39

Speak to your housing officer. They may agree for you to give notice and grant you a new tenancy in your sole name.

Explain about his controlling behaviour - which does constitute abuse. Is he financially abusive as well?

Original poster
thetrappedwife · 12/08/2022 18:43

yes he is/was incredibly controlling with money; anything I needed I had to seek his stamp of approval. He would occasionally give me some money for things like bread and milk but it was few and far meaning I’ve been continuously in my overdraft since I had to give up my job and recently been sent letters from my bank about it

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/08/2022 18:53

Speak to Woman's Aid he is abusive.

RandomMess · 12/08/2022 18:55

You may have grounds to seek an occupation order. If he gets at all violent please call the police. Even aggression you should not tolerate it.

Original poster
thetrappedwife · 12/08/2022 19:05

I certainly will, I’m planning to record our conversations so I have proof of his behaviour to back myself up with

OP posts:
Pollydon · 12/08/2022 19:20

Please do contact Womens Aid as suggested and please be careful with trying to record him.

Scorpio8 · 12/08/2022 23:19

@thetrappedwife

I just wrote about this on another thread funny enough.

In 2015 I did this because my ex wouldn't leave. I got up decided to leave as he wouldn't and council wouldn't help. They even said I could go back home. I had to get a lawyer and went women's aid and they agreed to help. It would mean she would have to end our joint tenancy and he had to leave. It wasn't nice doing that because I told women's aid he was financial abusive had a lot of help. Which he was and another story all together.

I think you should say if he ends tenancy does he want your small children in b&bs or hotels. With people with mental health issues and people on drugs. If you live in council house it's very difficult.

Please seek advice from lawyer.

If he abusive go women's aid. Ask his family or yours to help get him to go.

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 12/08/2022 23:23

OP, you might need to consider a women’s refuge to break the financial control and the psychological control that comes from the fear that he might hurt you.

Original poster
thetrappedwife · 13/08/2022 08:59

Moving house or going to a refuge is such a big upheaval for the kids, I’ve been researching an occupation order and thinking perhaps I should try that? The only thing that worries me is he will know I’ve applied for one before he leaves & again I’m afraid of his reaction

the atmosphere in the house is unbearable I can hardly eat or sleep from the stress of it all

OP posts:
Scorpio8 · 13/08/2022 09:10

@thetrappedwife

Try and that see how you get on. I hope you get yourself and your kids sorted soon.

Original poster
thetrappedwife · 13/08/2022 10:40

I feel so low today I don’t know why he is so dead set on ruining my life

OP posts:
Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 13/08/2022 10:42

OP, you need some help with this. Call Women’s Aid and talk to them about the situation. They can help you decide if an occupation order will do the trick or if it’s not safe and you need to move out without giving him any more warning.

category12 · 13/08/2022 10:49

Your housing officer will be able to help: HA have a duty of care to their tenants and will have a policy about domestic abuse. Speak to them, and to local domestic abuse services. You may be able to get him out.

It's not "plotting", it's getting help. It's only "against him" because he's behaving badly and won't stop.

RandomMess · 13/08/2022 10:50

Speak to the local police "domestic violence" unit (may have a different name) and explain to them his aggression is escalating. They can put a marker on your address and phone number.

If you apply for the occupation order again you can tell the local police it's happening and you are frightened of his reaction.

If the police need to the called they will remove him from the property.

Lill1e · 13/08/2022 10:53

I’ve been in the same situation recently so I know what you’re going through and I really feel for you and your kids. It’s not easy. I had to eventually sell my home it was the only way he’d move out. My ex didn’t care if it left us homeless or not he was just interested in getting back at me for ending the marriage. Your ex sounds very like mine so my advice to you is to stay strong because it’s only starting to get better for me now after months and months of his controlling behaviour and refusal to meet me half way, it will not be easy and probably be times you’ll think you can’t keep it up but you can and you will. You will be fine for your kids and you will love your own time when you get it. There is nothing like having peace of mind. Stay strong contact everyone you can for help and take all the help you get. I’m here if you ever need to talk

LotsOf · 13/08/2022 11:48

Your housing association and Womens Aid should be able to advise you properly on this. Contact them, and any other advice you can get if need be, eg Shelter.

I know you are exhausted and the stress is terrible, and making you feel ill Flowers. But you will have a much clearer picture by the end of the week. Play the long game. Keep going.

Funinthemud · 15/08/2022 20:37

layladomino · 12/08/2022 18:22

I know it makes more practical sense for you to stay put in your current home, and him to find somewhere else, but if he is going to refuse to leave, then if I were you I'd start looking for somewhere for you and the children to move to. If nothing else, it will show him that you are serious, and he might even then agree to move out himself. At the moment he is continuing his controlling behaviour by refusing to leave, and he thinks you will rethink and cave in and that you will go back to being his subservient partner. He thinks if he sticks it out long enough you'll give in. Either that or he's just enjoying upsetting you and having that control over you.

So - first things first - don't let him see he's bothered you. Plan plenty of stuff out of the house that doesn't involve him, be civil and polite but don't let him see you're frustrated or worried.

Then - look for somewhere yourself. You might find somewhere you really like. In the meantime he might agree to move out (and make sure you do it properly and get his name taken off the agreement straight away if so), but if not at least you have a plan B ready.

Him refusing to move out is not controlling behaviour

He has as much right to live with his children as she does

She is leaving him

She has no right to expect him to move out

That is not controlling behaviour

Original poster
thetrappedwife · 22/08/2022 08:41

Update; he’s decided he hates living with me and is looking for a new place

theres been a lot of guilt tripping using the kids; my oldest will be so upset when he leaves and it’s all my fault. He wants me to tell her about the split but he wants me to tell her it’s my fault and that he doesn’t want to leave

and yet with all this I can’t help but feel happy and relieved because the nightmare will soon be over. I can’t wait to have the freedom to live how I want, dress how I want, have a hairstyle I choose, do food shopping ect

OP posts:
Original poster
thetrappedwife · 22/08/2022 08:43

I got my first universal credit payment into my account and for the first time in years I am + bank balance. I’ve made a payment on the energy bill balance which my ex has been ignoring for months & went to the shop and bought my cat a new food bowl it was exhilarating! Sad but true

OP posts: