Emotional Support from men?

[OhHelloFromTheOtherSide]

I’m going through a divorce after a long marriage and one of the (many) reasons that the marriage broke down was due to me not getting any emotional support.

Im not a needy person by any means but I’ve never felt comforted and heard and in really bad times my ExH would make out I was over sensitive and be quite harsh with me.

My Mum still says ‘well all men are like that’ , ‘what do you expect?’ Please someone tell me they are not and explain what emotional support from a husband looks like in a normal, healthy relationship…….

Watching with interest.

im sorry you have had this experience. It sounds like your mum has too. Hoping you can find a man who can show emotional intelligence. I’m sure they’re out there

Probably the reason you are in this relationship in the first place is to do with what your Mum (and Dad?) have shown you as you were growing up.

If you'd been given a more healthy model of adult relationships, you would have rejected your current partner as soon as he showed signs of dismissing your feelings. But as it is, him showing you those signs has been something familiar to you. Literally familiar, as in 'like your family'. So you've gravitated towards his unhealthy patterns.

Emotional support from a husband looks like emotional support. It's the sort that works for you, so if you like cuddles, it'll be cuddles. If you like advice, it'll be advice. If you like to talk, it'll be listening to you. There's no special sort of emotional support that men or husbands do. You look for compatibility, just like you do with friends.

Such a lovely post @Watchkeys - that's true. For my friend emotional support means her husband books weird treats like a survival course or a trip to cuddle red pandas because she always has to be on the go, for me it means lots of hugs and being listened to non judgementally and loved just the same even when I feel a bit addled.

Men can do it just as well as women, they just sometimes opt out or aren't socialised to know what to do or feel they can offer help.

As a PP said, you can tell from fairly early days if someone's a giver or not, although some people are good at pretending. You want to see how someone behaves to others as well as you - e.g. do they listen and behave kindly to colleagues or their sister?

Also watching this with intrest.

I have never met a man like that and out of the women who talk about their relationships/men, none of them have bf’s/husbands who care, let alone meet their emotional needs.

There has been topics about this on here MN and many have said they have their women friends for emotional support.

So you are definetly alone OP.

*NOT, not alone!

Think you need some different friends, @UglyNameChange !

My XH had the emotional capacity of an ironing board vs current DP who is my best friend, he is an absolute rock.

In my case, it means when I get stressed and act out (as in be irritable, or agitated, snappy, or maybe teary) he doesn't hold it against me.
He knows when I just need a hug, versus when I need someone to listen and validate what I'm saying.
He knows me and loves me, which means he can read my moods and body language.
He understands my inner fears, and insecurities, and offers reassurance, be it a look, or a touch, or whatever.

He is open with me too, far less stressed than me, but will share if he is worried or sad, or nervous.

Ironically, it's his support that makes me feel competent to deal with my "stuff" and like I can handle what life throws at me.

Reading it back, this post makes me sound like a bundle of stress! These are just some examples as most of the time I'm a pretty happy, chilled out person.

@Watchkeys you are 10000% correct. I’m definitely here because I’ve never witnessed a healthy relationship with emotional support- quite sad really. Surely this is a basic need rather than a luxury.

I’ve learnt it’s easier to feel alone by yourself than alone with someone though. Onwards and upwards.

I know both my sons are like this. One is in a long term relationship and he does things like get up when she's got an early shift to wait with her at the bus stop, or show an interest in her hobbies or support her when she was bereaved. She is super supportive of him too.

The other son has lots of female friends and is often their confidante. He's not a doormat by the way as he's got a lot of male friends too and has had some lovely girlfriends.

I'm not saying this to boast, just to prove that it's possible and not a gender thing. Their father is not remotely like this but I've always tried to model the idea that being considerate and caring is a good thing. Obviously I don't know what they'd be like in a long term relationship with jobs and kids and things (they're both in University education atm) but I have a lot of hope.

In one of my friendship groups the husbands are all pretty supportive. I also have other friends with really shit husbands. I think it's a bit down to personality and a lot down to upbringing (my husband's mother did everything for him, so he was a bit entitled, but wasn't very emotionally caring, and I think that's why he isn't).

Oh, what trite!

I think in some ways it's simply a matter of treating each other as someone special.

Few moths ago I texted him to let him know I was on my way home, I was cold, wet, miserable and thoroughly fed up. When I got home he'd run a bath and put my pyjamas on the radiator to warm. He brought me a glass of wine and some chocolates (only revels) and let me soak listening to a book. When I went down dinner was ready and we just relaxed on the sofa.

When I got home after giving birth he'd get up and let me lie in for a while. When he went back to work he'd leave a casserole in the slow cooker and sandwiches in the fridge so i didnt have to cook.

Some things that make my life easier. Supports me in things that I want to do and I burden him.with my cares, he can't do much about them but he can listen and not dismiss them.

I normally hate to generalise but I really do think there's something in the theory that when it comes to being supported, most women want sympathy and understanding, and most men want a solution to be proposed

What does this even mean? You said you've had no experience in your friendship circle of men with healthy attitudes. So, changing your friendship circle would make sense, wouldn't it? Trite's an adjective?

Can't make sense of what you're saying at all.

Best way to meet this need is to have a healthy, emotionally supportive relationship with yourself. Then you've always got someone to take care of you, someone who's got your back, someone to be proud of you, someone to comfort you.

When we grow up, we learn how to parent ourselves; then we don't need our parents any more, and can take care of our own needs. But our parents show us how to parent, and we replicate their patterns. Monkey see, monkey do. Your Mum's response ('well, all men are like that', 'what do you expect?') doesn't listen to, cater for, or respect your needs. It roundly dismisses them, and minimises them (basically by saying they're silly, because the negative result you got was so obviously going to happen), and so now, that's what you do to yourself. You dismiss and minimise your needs. That's how you've been taught to look after yourself, because that's how your parents looked after you.

It's why you put up with a relationship for so long that dismissed and minimised your needs. It's what you're used to.

Create a relationship with yourself that's loving and accepting. Once you do this, you won't feel 'alone' and lonely. You'll feel taken care of, because you are taking on the adult responsibility of looking after you, and all the bits of you inside that are wild and childlike and still feel rejected and unheard. That kid you used to be is still you, and it's your job to look after her, poor little thing that she is. Listen to her. Indulge her. Above all, respect her. She's your heart and soul, and when she's got over all the crap she's been through, with your support, she'll be the one to warn you when your boundaries are being crossed, and she'll support you.

Oh, I didn’t realize you had problems with understanding things.
Okey, so MN of then like to put the onus on women.
If a woman knows a man who is or isin’t whatever - she’s told it must be the men she has chosen or whatever.
Like thise kind of men aren’t everywhere.
When came to your boring
and lazy ”advice”, what, I’m supposed to dump my friends because they have emotionally unsupportive men as partners?
Well that would make a pretty horrible friend.
Not see my dad?

I realize you wanted to come and protect the men’s honour, but there is no need.

I hope you didn't have too much difficulty to understand this time

@UglyNameChange

It's your responsibility to choose who to have and not have in your life.

I'm not here to protect men's honour. Some men are good, some men are bad. Giving the impression that they are mostly bad gives vulnerable women the idea that they are unlikely to meet a good man. It encourages them to stay with bad men, due to the perceived lack of alternative. I'm sure this wasn't your intention.

I don't have a problem understanding things, usually, but your post was unclear. Thank you for clarifying your insult. It says a good deal about you.

My DH has studied me and knows my needs. He knows when I’m tired and run down and takes up the slack to give me respite. He might get my favourite food or drinks in and make sure I get a lie in. When I’m sad he stays strong and makes me laugh. He listens to my whinging or just gossip and will engage but not indulge. He’s always got a helpful perspective and a sense of humour and I love chatting with him. He’s a fantastic, emotionally intelligent dad (to 3 kids - now young adults) and I’ve never had to do his share of parenting which I think so many women naturally do. At Christmas he does more than his fair share of the jobs to ensure our family has a lovely time. He does the big shop - shares the cooking - discusses and strategises the ‘to do’ list. Same for holidays/parties and life in general. He makes it his mission in life to put his family first in all things and grafts his arse off to do it .

Oh God I could go on for ages but you get the gist. I am quite lazy so knew I’d need to marry a ‘grown up’ - I did and he’s been amazing. A true life partner.

My husband tries but fails, to be brutally honest.
It is an issue for me but I've kind of accepted that it's a limitation he has (although it does frustrate me a lot).
With parenting I'm the one who takes the lead on the emotional stuff.

I think there are some emotionally intelligent men (I know a few) but sadly I think they're in the minority, mainly because patriarchy. Perhaps there's something else in it too.

I would love to experience a strong emotional and sexual connection with someone but tbh I think I'd probably have to become attracted to women unless I got very lucky with an unusual man!

I think a lot of women seem to get themselves into marriage/long term relationship before they actually know much about their partner. Often seems to me most simply want good fun and good in bed then are surprised they're not great family men.

Ive never been with a man who didnt (with varying degrees of success). Its the small things like f I've had a hard day my H will leave the door ajar for me coming home, make me a brew, cook tea, rub my feet. It is also during the big things, like when my life spectacularly imploded with personal and family illness last year he jumped on a train to get to me as soon as I needed, made sure there was wine, listened to me talk, offered his views, made phone calls for me when I got overwhelmed, rushed to my suicidal family member when I couldn't cope with it, backed me up to the useless professionals, came with me to A&E when they thought I'd had a stroke and sat outside the hospital waiting for me cos he couldnt come in at the time (covid)....

I do think men are often less comfortable with emotions, but that giving emotional support is often about personality type.

All men are not like that but in my experience most are...

Depends on your definition of a "family man". My husband has always valued time with partner/family, it's just that his contribution is not emotional support - it's plenty of other things.

Also, it's often not until you experience some of the bigger challenges in life, and really need emotional support, that you discover whether your partner can step up. Sometimes that doesn't happen until after marriage/falling pregnant.

“Also, it's often not until you experience some of the bigger challenges in life, and really need emotional support, that you discover whether your partner can step up. Sometimes that doesn't happen until after marriage/falling pregnant.”

This baffles me. Do people not talk or observe their partners? How does he treat his granny? How does he talk about his colleagues? What happened when you cried? When your boss pissed you off? What did he say when you talked about your future family life together?

Do people just whisper sweet nothings, hump and then a baby pops along? Whoops - turns out he has no emotional depth! Wow is it really that much of a surprise?