Open relationship?

[Bemused3]

Hi everyone,

I’ve posted here before about problems in my relationship, and the verdict was unanimous: I should leave him. We broke up for a week and have somehow found ourselves back together (pathetic, I know). I couldn’t see past the love, generosity and kindness that he has shown me in spite of the problems, and I felt like I was casting him aside, and of course I still love him. The truth is, however, that I’m no longer excited by the relationship. He’s very intelligent in his own way, but I think part of the problem is that we’re on slightly different levels academically, I went to Oxford University and he left school very early, and I somehow don’t feel “challenged”. I feel like this might be my own vanity talking though?! However, I think he sensed that the excitement was waning and proposed that we try an open relationship.

What do you think about open relationships? Do you think they can work? I’m talking to a man at the moment who seems very interesting and yet I cannot envisage how this is going to work?!

OP, judging by your previous thread, as referenced, www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4599230-uncertain-about-the-future-of-relationship
this is not just a relationship that needs a bit of sexual dynamic, it is downright unhealthy.

His values are no compatible with yours, he has serious anger management issues, and so on.

You are in your early 20s.

Please look at why you desperately cling to pretending this relationship is working or could work, rather than pursuing the considerable opportunities your future must hold.

They very rarely work, and when they do it takes an enormous amount of maturity and management.

I don’t think you are in the right life stage or the right relationship for this. Also you left him last week. For heavens sake finish it for both your sakes and focus on dating.

I am guessing you are quite young OP, and you are still figuring out who you are and what you want - but with kindness don’t be one of those people who mentions going to Oxford university to everyone you meet. It is embarrassing and you’ve managed do it twice in a short space of time in an irrelevant context. (I am not sure your difference in education is relevant, but exactly where you went certainly isn’t.)

But you've already broken this golden rule. You're talking to this man because he's interesting.

You're already going in on an emotional level.

If your relationship partly broke down because you're not intellectually compatible sex with other people isn't going to fix it.

I just clicked the link above to your previous thread.

He’s a racist with anger management issues. I am guessing that he was nice to you when you were ill because he likes women young and vulnerable.

Anyone who is a racist is an idiot.

Honestly OP, leave him and get a therapist if you need one.

But then how will you get your emotional/intellectual needs met, if your partner doesn't meet them, and your other relationships will be purely sexual?

I'm in an open relationship but we negotiated that from the outset. I think it's much harder for a couple who have previously been monogamous. You both need to be brutally honest with one another about why you're doing it.

You obviously want to have sex and feel desired again so your motivation is clear. What is his motivation for agreeing to it? If it's just to make you happy so you won't leave him, that's a recipe for disaster.

Insecurities and jealousy are a huge obstacle to overcome but are not insurmountable. Talk about what you're both worried about, your fears. Jealousy almost always comes from a fear of losing someone.

Plan for every eventuality. How often will you do it? Who with? A regular FWB or casual hook ups? Does he want to know when it happens? What if you develop feelings for someone else? Do you feel enough for him that you'd walk away? Are you capable of putting him first?

Personally, I find that "playing away" improves my relationship. When I feel desired and sexy, DP gets the benefit of that. He likes knowing that I always come back to him, that I'm his primary and vice versa. But I still have to be sensitive to his feelings, I rein in my enthusiasm about a shiny, new partner because I know it could hurt him.

I think you need to tread very carefully if you're seriously considering opening your relationship.

Thanks all for your advice.

@Luredbyapomegranate Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound vain or conceited. I do think it’s relevant given that we come from very different educational backgrounds, and the university I went to is symptomatic of that rather than something which is necessarily an obstacle. Also I came from an abusive and disadvantaged background and dropped out of school at age 14 so I am actually really proud of that achievement. Academia is something I’ve always prided myself on, and there’s nothing wrong with that in the same way that people can be proud of being good Mums, good partners, good employees, etc.

It's so obvious that you need to end this relationship it's ridiculous.

@Bemused3

There's nothing wrong with being proud of having a degree. But where you went is not relevant to this story. A standard joke is "how you you know someone went to Oxford?' A 'They'll tell you in the first 5 mins of meeting you'. Honestly don't be that person, people will think you're an idiot.

More important, dump this fuckwit. And possibly get a therapist.