Open relationship?

[Bemused3]

Hi everyone,

I’ve posted here before about problems in my relationship, and the verdict was unanimous: I should leave him. We broke up for a week and have somehow found ourselves back together (pathetic, I know). I couldn’t see past the love, generosity and kindness that he has shown me in spite of the problems, and I felt like I was casting him aside, and of course I still love him. The truth is, however, that I’m no longer excited by the relationship. He’s very intelligent in his own way, but I think part of the problem is that we’re on slightly different levels academically, I went to Oxford University and he left school very early, and I somehow don’t feel “challenged”. I feel like this might be my own vanity talking though?! However, I think he sensed that the excitement was waning and proposed that we try an open relationship.

What do you think about open relationships? Do you think they can work? I’m talking to a man at the moment who seems very interesting and yet I cannot envisage how this is going to work?!

Why are you talking to a man before you've ended your relationship/spoken to your partner? Just end things with him. Opening up a relationship in an already troubled one is a bad idea anyway.

Sorry, I didn't read properly. You could open up the relationship but you have more issues than sex, you aren't compatible. Don't see the point in carrying on with your partner.

He knows that I’m talking to this man. I suppose that would be allowed under the terms of an open relationship.

Sounds complicated to me.

Do you have children with this man?

@CrazyRatLover

Yes, that’s what I think. I know he would be absolutely devastated

@MakeadealwithGod

No, neither of us has any children.

Open marriages can work very well, but you have to know and agree between you the reasons for opening up, and the ground rules.

From your post it sounds an awful lot like you're going to use the open status to audition a new partner then jump ship when you find a better prospect ☹️

It’s difficult to comment without knowing details but I’d agree with the previous poster regarding trying to solve a troubled relationship by opening it up.

I’m not against openness and am in the early stages of a new relationship with someone with whom I’ve negotiated an element of openness - but the relationship is fresh and happy and I don’t want the openness in order to compensate for anything that’s lacking in the first place.

There are some good resources it’s worth reading which delve into how to negotiate/navigate boundaries when opening up an existing relationship (The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton for one) but from my research thus far I don’t think it’s the solution you might be hoping for (unless the problems you cited previously were as simple as different sexual preferences, for example).

What's allowed and not is up to you and your partner to discuss. What do you want? What does he want? Are your wants compatible?

The truth is, however, that I’m no longer excited by the relationship

Doesn't look compatible to me. You want to be excited and you're not. Why would you still be in this relationship at all?

For someone who went to Oxford, you certainly are being foolish. This relationship is over, let it be over. Stop wasting your time and his.

It doesn’t sound like you have any respect for him. Why don’t you just end it and move on?

You're staying with him out of guilt? I didnt read your last thread but if that's the only reason you want a relationship, rather than a friendship, with your DP then an open relationship isn't necessary. End it and continue talking to the new guy.

You don't want an, open relationship, you're just putting off ending the one you are in

Re open marriage
I think you are either intrinsically monogamous or you are not.
If its the former an open relationship will never work for you regardless od DP’s view.

re Education- I’ve a 1st from Cambridge and my wife left school at 16 with 6 grade C O levels. Never been an issue in the 30 years we’ve been together. So maybe you’re hanging your hat on this rather than admitting you’re a just a little bit bored.

I don't think you want an open relationship really, and nor does he. You're both just afraid of being on your own and hope to line someone else up before you leave. Get some self esteem and end the relationship for good would be my advice.

The reasons for opening it up were to reintroduce some more sexual energy into the relationship. And for me that is a strong motivator, but I’m worried, given the luke warmness of our current relationship, whether I’d end up falling into someone else’s arms, which would obviously be unethical and against the terms of the open relationship.

@Wherearemymarbles Yes I think that’s possible.

When I told my Oxford friends about how happy I was in my relationship a good few months ago, they were all shocked and asking me how we had anything in common given our different interests and backgrounds, and that planted a seed of doubt tbh. And then as per my previous post, we did start having major intellectual disagreements - ie he thinks that the different races ought to be preserved, and that global warming isn’t man-made, etc.

You want to have sex with someone else in order to spice up your relationship with your partner?

What are 'the terms' of an open relationship that you keep referring to?

@Watchkeys

I suppose the terms are decided within the couple. But I suppose the general rule is that the relationship be kept purely sexual and not emotional, etc.

Also, there are other aspects which worry me. I didn’t want to move in with him because I like my own space, because I want to be near my family (he lives quite a way away), and because the brief period that we did live together was disastrous. He’s now accepted all that after some back and forth, but I feel that he’s accepting all my terms and conditions because he doesn’t want to lose me.

Ultimately, the reason why I’m erming and ahhing is because even though he is flawed and human (as am I), I know that he is a good person, and from my brief dating experience it seems like a rare quality.

Why can't you just be friends then? You're not enjoying the relationship. You don't find it stimulating. You don't want to live together. How do you think you're going to handle having lukewarm sex with him after having passionate encounters with men who do excite you? It sounds awful.

Having an open relationship will not fix a broken one. My ex offered this to me as we were separating as (I think) a desperate attempt to keep me from leaving. Please please don't would be my advice. I bet he'll then come up with other suggestions - his motivation is clear. Your relationship I think hasn't been going on for years and years - there just isn't the need to agree to anything to keep you both together. Call it quits so you can both move on, heal and find other people who are looking for the same things.

Do you think you could have a relationship with any man, then? As long as he's good?

I just don't see the point, especially in your situation. If you want to go and find sexual and intellectual excitement with other men what is the point of this person exactly?

Why have him as your main partner?

Why not simply be single and date?

What's his function in your life? Why are you tied to him?