Parent/child dynamic in marriage is killing it

[ncforthis1pcmarriage]

Anyone else been in this situation? Been together 8/9 years, married 6, one dc.

I should preface this by admitting I have control issues.

I feel like I need to micro-manage everything all the time. Also feel I need to repeat myself again and again and if I don't give step by step instructions things won't get done, or will get done wrong. It's so unsexy and I struggle to see DH in that light anymore (he would have sex daily but I would be happy with never again I think! Am also on meds though and we have a young child).

I was watching a relationship documentary and the couples identified by the psychs as having a p/c dynamic really resonated with me - I can see these behaviours in our marriage. Im so tired of the mental load on top of working, parenting and needing time alone to recharge.

Little things like putting something on the stairs to take up, if I don't specifically point it out once or twice he just walks past it. But then again he just put a wash in the dryer and chucked in a dress of mine which has now shrunk. It just feels like this constant circle of not doing something unless asked, and if doing it without instruction it's usually wrong! He just got our child a top with their name emblazoned on it - that's never going to be worn outside the house under my rules! And I have to explain why.

I know he's also feeling like he can never get anything right

I just feel its niggle after niggle. I don't want to separate but god my day to day life is easier when it's just me and Dc!! Anyone overcome this or similar?

I was pretty much with you until you said the top with the name on will never be worn outside of the house ‘under my rules’- why?!

I am prone to micro managing as well but I feel if I wasn’t shit wouldn’t get done.

4yo daughter - i don't want her out and about with her first name clearly on the back of her t-shirt

I worry quite a lot too!

How is the romantic part between you and your partner if you don't mind me asking?

Ok- I don’t think any harm comes from strangers knowing a first name but I know some do worry about it.

ummmmm it’s ok, when I can be arsed. Which isn’t often, sadly. Sometimes I just look at him and think ‘you twat’ 😳

it is hard. I feel like I really loved DH until we had a baby, and now all my love is for the baby, I didn’t think it would go like that. He gets very pissed off with me because say he takes DS out for the day, he’ll send me a pic, and I’ll just say something like ‘why isn’t he wearing his sun hat?’

Do you have a link to the documentary please ?

???? why can't she wear a top with her name on it?

Genuinely lost.

Omg this is me 🤣 he's out with her now for lunch (after I begged for a break) and just sent a pic. Before they went I have to check, have you packed tissues, toilet insert, her water? Has she got sunscreen? Been to toilet?

I mean she's 4. Why am I still needing to repeat this?

Okay it's not a docu, it's seven year switch Australia (season 2) . Find it on all4. www.channel4.com/programmes/seven-year-switch-australia

I wish I could take part in this to see how miserable it must be being married to me!

In order to change the dynamic you will need to stop parenting him. You can't change him but you can change you.
I've been micromanaged in a relationship before and I found it totally intolerable.

It seems to me like you feel you need to micro-manage everything partly because you feel your DH should parent and deal with the house in exactly the same way you do. But that’s not how parenting or living together works. Even relatively aligned parents/partners will differ in the way do things. And actually that’s beneficial to your DC.

I get what you’re saying, OP - I didn’t realise what a control freak I was until I had children. And my DH and I do argue about things in relation to our now teenage DC, as we always have done. But we haven’t destroyed each other’s overall confidence in our ability to parent.

You sound rather on the controlling side. And actually it sounds like you’re sabotaging his attempts to parent. That’s really not okay for him or for you or your DC because it creates self-fulfilling prophecies. Presumably your H brings some good things to the parenting table. I wonder whether you could change your focus a bit. How would you feel if he was picking at everything you did?

You both need to compromise - he needs to make an effort not to leave the little, annoying crap to you (taking stuff upstairs etc) and you need to unclench over things like the top with her name on it. He's presumably her father, doesn't he get an equal say in what she wears?

Imagine being your husband. Even when he tries, everything he does is wrong and moaned about. He has to live by a set of strict rules that he had no say in drawing up. His skills and worth as a father and husband are constantly questioned and found lacking. Even clothes he buys for his own child are scorned.
Why are your rules and your way more important than his? It's his life and his child too.
It sounds like he's being controlled and is having a miserable life.

‘Under my rules’? Jeezo, your poor husband….Have fewer ‘rules’ and relax a bit - you’ll both be a lot happier!

I loved 7 Year Switch and could see my XP in the couple with the parent child dynamic, but weirdly we’d also swap sometimes and he’d be the parent. Read a bit about Transactional Analysis and the adult/parent/child roles we all play.

Parent roles can come with a nurturing side or a critical side, and yours definitely sounds more critical!

A toilet insert, to carry with you , for a child of four? As my favourite aunt used to say ‘are you mad?’
Maybe look up your own mental health issues, have some counselling and grow a little out of your tight little cocoon. You will be happier and so will your family.

I have a tendency to micro manage and it was really bad when we had our first dc, tbh it was killing our marriage. When dc1 was about 6mo I realised what I was doing and how detrimental it was to both our marriage and my dh, I wasn't letting him find his own way with parenting.

I forced myself to relax and to let stuff go. I decided to pick my battles and only mention things that were essential, safety issues basically. Everything else he managed to learn himself through trial and error (just as I did but I learned before him because I was a sahp so spent more time with dc). There are still some things that he does as a parent that I disagree with, but they aren't doing anyone any harm so I keep schtum and accept it as part of our dc's having 2 different parents.

He's out with her now for lunch (after I begged for a break) and just sent a pic. Before they went I have to check, have you packed tissues, toilet insert, her water? Has she got sunscreen? Been to toilet?
See I think this is OTT. I'd probably check on suncream and water because those things are essential in this heat. And I'd tell dc to go to the toilet before they left if dh forgot. But if he forgets the other stuff then he will have to deal with the consequences and will probably remember next time. Surely you've made plenty of mistakes and learned from them? You have to let him do the same.

That must be utterly exhausting.
For your husband being scrutinised in such minute detail with regards parenting HIS child.
For You, constantly paddling like mad under the water to keep everything calm on top.
And for your child, who will develop very firm misconceptions of what parenting together looks like. Has she started telling Daddy he's getting things wrong yet?
Are you getting any help with anxiety?
Did you have PND? ( you obviously don't have to answer these questions, I'm just wondering if this has happened SINCE the birth of your child).

When you checked about the hat, water, sun cream etc did he have it? Was he literally walking out of the door without it or were you actually checking to minimise your anxiety about those things?

I do understand where you're coming from because I do feel like I carry more of the "mental load" when it comes to the DC but I have learned to let go of a lot of stuff unless it's safety related.

If DH was taking DC to the park on a sunny day for example I'd be checking hat and sun cream. If he forgets water and needs a drink then he can get one out. Having to face the consequences of not remembering might mean he takes more care to remember next time!

Cross post!

I agree but she just won't go without it!

I think you treat your DH like a child and therefore you get a child.

If he's taking your DD out then that is his responsibility. He might well do things differently to you and this is good for your DDs development.

What's bad for her development is her mother nagging her father and her father accepting it. My parents had that dynamic and it's left me with issues around struggling to respect either of them.

I would have been a micromanager myself but thankfully DH politely told me to wind my neck in from earliest days of my kids' lives and so now I am not a micro manager and my kids have a competent father whose mother respects him.

Sometimes he does mess things up eg forget to collect DS from football - but he feels bad and doesn't do it again. I don't nag him about it.

Tbh I’m amazed he wants to have sex with you. The way you treat him is so infantilising and rude. We have a 3 year old, we’d each have checked the other had sunscreen but would have put it on before leaving home, you can get water most places if you forget it and who travels with a toilet insert?! Have some faith in your child, are you never spontaneous?

And as if you’re dictating what clothes he can dress his kid in, bloody hell.

Get some therapy and learn to let stuff go. You’ll give yourself an ulcer, ruin your marriage and strip the joy out of your family.

Are you as controlling over your child as you are your husband? It sounds shit for everyone. Life is for living, sometimes people forget things, have to wee in a bush, eat something less than ideal, stuff sits on stairs for a day or so. Your way is just that, it’s not the only right way. Chill out or it might not be your decision the marriage ends. If you split up he could parent as he wishes on his time and it sounds like he’d happier for it. He might even get to have some fun, leave the house without a list every time…

Really helpful advice here, which I am taking on board. The post above me is quite nasty but I'll take the constructive part from it!

I used to micromanage to the point of clothes on bed for next day, everything packed, notes etc even though I was a sahm. Now I’m working and he works from home things are done differently but they do get done, and as people said above things still get done and he’s learned from the mistakes I probably made too-there is a huge change and we’re a much better team now (when not both wrecked and sniping at each other!!) You both need to talk about things and figure them out together. I also feel the need to address the sex thing. Start talking about that and your relationship, have a few date nights if you can too. You got together for a reason x

I'm answer to some questions, yes I do wonder what he gets from the r/ship and I actually asked him that last weekend! He believes it will get back to what it was. He's definitely the positive, relaxed one here and believe me I wish I was too.

Really interesting and valid points about our different parenting styles being a good thing and it's made me reflect on how fab he is with our child, when he has her he focuses on her alone so there will be lots of mess and nothing gets done but I've learned to relax with that. It's more household and mental load stuff that grinds.

Fwiw I had a MH issue for 25 years, which exacerbated my need for control, perfectionism and I think it also made my tolerance low. I'm over that, but have residual issues and (yes to a pp) it was having a child that instigated anxiety, something I didn't struggle with before.

I've just found an interesting podcast online about p/c dynamic and it had some good advice about deciding what we are each going to do next to change things, so I've sent it to DH and plan to sit down with him tonight about it. Being the parent again here probably! I do feel it's my fault, stepping into this role, but perhaps he has a part to play in not setting his own boundaries and being so passive - I liked what a pp said upthread about her husband telling her to wind her neck in from the start!

I was worried about posting this, often I just search for a similar issue on here to get advice, but in fact this has given me so much to think about and I'm pleased I did. Thank you.