Parent/child dynamic in marriage is killing it

[ncforthis1pcmarriage]

Anyone else been in this situation? Been together 8/9 years, married 6, one dc.

I should preface this by admitting I have control issues.

I feel like I need to micro-manage everything all the time. Also feel I need to repeat myself again and again and if I don't give step by step instructions things won't get done, or will get done wrong. It's so unsexy and I struggle to see DH in that light anymore (he would have sex daily but I would be happy with never again I think! Am also on meds though and we have a young child).

I was watching a relationship documentary and the couples identified by the psychs as having a p/c dynamic really resonated with me - I can see these behaviours in our marriage. Im so tired of the mental load on top of working, parenting and needing time alone to recharge.

Little things like putting something on the stairs to take up, if I don't specifically point it out once or twice he just walks past it. But then again he just put a wash in the dryer and chucked in a dress of mine which has now shrunk. It just feels like this constant circle of not doing something unless asked, and if doing it without instruction it's usually wrong! He just got our child a top with their name emblazoned on it - that's never going to be worn outside the house under my rules! And I have to explain why.

I know he's also feeling like he can never get anything right

I just feel its niggle after niggle. I don't want to separate but god my day to day life is easier when it's just me and Dc!! Anyone overcome this or similar?

I used to micromanage when we had one child. We have four children now and frankly, I don't have the time ir energy.

Our relationship is much better for it.

Your DH can only learn by doing, and by being allowed to make mistakes, learn and grow.

Would you parent in this controlling way to? Don't you see how damaging it is? Yet you treat your husband that way.

For what it's worth I actually think this is a really common dynamic. As most mothers take maternity leave in the early days you get into the habit of anticipating what your child needs because you're there doing it everyday.

Then if you're all out together you still do that anticipating thing and so the other parent gets used to not having to think about it. It's not necessarily intentional by either party.

You've seen it and I think if you address it together there will be a compromise to be found. Your further comments about your DH paint him in a pretty decent light?

The problem is the more you micro manage the more you have to - it’s a self perpetuating cycle.

You DH doesn’t do anything because you don’t let him, then you feel frustrated and you have to do more, so your DH does even less and so on.

Bit like managing a team of people and trying to do all their work because you think you’re better at it. Then complaining that you’re overworked.

You have to let go. And jointly decide things. You’re supposed to be a partnership. I note from your post above that your solution is to send something to your DH and plan to discuss it later (like you’re the teacher). I can’t imagine how I’d have felt if my late husband sent me a podcast of relationships tips to “discuss later”. It’s no wonder you feel he has no boundaries, you’ve eroded them all over time.

The phrase "under my rules" jumped out at me too. Does everything have to be done your way? Does he have any say in how his daughter is raised? Some people react to being ordered what to do all the time by becoming lazy arses. They know they're not going to past muster anyway, so they don't even bother trying. Could that be the dynamic in your house?

I think that if you don't want to parent your partner, you need to stop parenting your partner.

Why is that problematic? Will anybody be hurt or killed if you stop parenting him?

I agree. You have to loosen the reins, the man can't do good in any situation. If he forgets something, then he will learn and remember next time. Oh and you're not doing your child any favours, nothing worse than a kid telling you it's wrong because mummy says! I've had little darlings in school who have said just that, they soon learn not to.

If you want to live with this endless pent up anxiety then you will have to expect to push people away.

but perhaps he has a part to play in not setting his own boundaries and being so passive

And if he’d tried? I doubt you’d openly have accepted him saying no given the example you give of things you consider essential to popping out with a 4 year old. It’s a bit victim blaming isn’t it.

I know this isnt the point of the thread but I had no idea what a toilet insert was so I googled it....i bet she doesn't have one of those at nursery or pre-school or wherever she is, and similarly i would bet that she will go to the toilet with daddy without her toilet insert but not with you. If you tell her its for babies and she is a big girl now, that might help.

I do understand that this isnt a thread about the toilet insert but i have COVID and my brain is mushy....

Have a read about transactional analysis, it might help you understand more about your relationship dynamic.

I do have some sympathy with you, OP, because I feel this exact way about the things you have mentioned... like, suncream, hat and water - that's important. My DH would remember getting out of the car, shrug his shoulders and say 'it won't matter this once' and I don't want to increase her risk of skin cancer by letting her get burnt. This kind of thing all the time... basic safety stuff.

As for leaving things on the stairs, washing my nice things and ruining them - same! Same!

I've tried really hard to bite my tongue over the smaller things but when he leaves DD, 2, in her bedroom with a wide open, waist height window, I can't help but pull him up on it.

However, I've read some of the comments on here with interest and will try to calm it down even more. You sound very like how I feel/am and I know how infuriating it is.

I sympathise, but if I'm being brutally honest, I think you'll have this problem with every partner.

You like to micro manage. Any independent, proactive man won't want to be micro managed. They'll spend a few months getting to know you before deciding you're too much.

I think you should work on your relationship.

Of course your daughter can wear the t-shirt out. She's 4, so I assume you don't let her out of your side in busy areas? Then what's the problem?

If my partner randomly put stuff on the stairs to take up, I'd ask him what's wrong with his legs. Why don't you take it up? Maybe he thinks you're being lazy by leaving it for him.

Did you tell your partner not to wash and dry your dress? How was he supposed to know? Do you expect him to read every washing label for every wash? I know I don't. I would hope my partner would tell me not to wash it if it couldn't be washed/dried.

Take some time to think and try not to be defensive. Are you genuinely having to tell him to do his share, or do you just think everything you do is right? Could this be a misplaced ego?

I'm assuming he'd survive if you split.

Obviously it's not all you. You've probably both fallen into a bad dynamic. But I think, if you want it to work, you have to commit to changing. Not just blaming him for everything. As soon as you show him some respect (and obviously likewise he show you respect) I would expect the sexual attraction will increase. It's hard to find someone attractive who you see as a child. And he isn't a child, he's a grown man who is being treated as one.

You sound ludicrously controlling, and you'd do well to remember that your daughter has two equal parents, not one parent and an assistant. Otherwise you may soon find yourself with zero influence at all on what happens with your DD the 50% of days she's with your newly divorced husband.

I could have written this, I feel your pain. And it is unsexy it's like having another child.

I'm not sure this is quite the same as the OP, those are clear safety violations and I think you have a duty to get on his back until he stops doing them (I include sun protection in that)

I'm not suggesting he is completely blameless, but I would be so fed up in his shoes. So demoralising to not be trusted with my own child. DH and I have different approaches and we each leave the other to it. He will never develop confidence as a parent if you don't let him figure it out for himself.

Brilliant post by @Candleabra.

i think you need to let him find his own way. Identify the non negotiables, eg suncream and try and relax about the rest. If he forgets the toilet insert, maybe he will persuade her to try without or maybe it’ll be stressful for him and he will never forget it again!

I think women are forced to sink or swim with parenting while on maternity leave and it’s easy to then take the role of “the person who knows what to do”. But it gives your dd and dh the chance to form a really full and awesome relationship if you step back and give him space to do/plan/decide stuff. It also gives you the chance to be with someone who takes their own initiative even if they do things differently to you.

also, I forget to take stuff upstairs that I’ve left on the stairs. I certainly don’t expect dp to remember 🤷🏻‍♀️.

My mother was like you, completely controlling of all aspects of mine and my sister's upbringing. Pushed my father away to the extent that he became almost a stranger to us. This was in the 1970s when it was usual for mothers to do most of the parenting but the effect on us kids was pretty negative - we left home as soon as we could and she endured quite a lonely old age, having eventually pushed my father so far away that he left altogether. Think of your future, your dc will not thank you when they are old enough to understand and your family and relationship may be threatened.

Do you have an OCD diagnosis OP? I am in recovery from very debilitating OCD during my late teens to mid 20s and a lot of your post resonates with me. I did not have children during the time of my intense period, but I have to be very careful not to behave as you have described re the children when I am very stressed. I am a nag. Fortunately, DH tells me, as I was very upfront when we got together that he must never collude in any of my OCD behaviours, because that would set me back. He will listen to why I feel as I feel and give support/solutions, but he will not respond to my nagging. I cannot control it and challenge it alone, so he helps me by saying no and we laugh at it together.

Thank you for this - really interesting to read. yup I have been told I have OCD. He still 'comforts' me about certain OCD traits, I'm too scared to tell him it's better to say no!

Good news is I feel like me and DH have had a massive breakthrough speaking about this possible dynamic - I'm more interested in psychology than he is but he's now listened to a couple of podcasts and we have talked about this MN post and he's starting to see patterns in his part in it too (my role has always been pretty clear )

Op your DP sounds good, engaged.

I just wanted to post a general counterpoint. My children are mmid-sized now and and I'm just going through a divorce. My ex always said I was a terrible micromanager and control freak, and I did feel anxious when he was with them/kept checking on things. I felt like the problem was with me because he said it was. But actually reflecting on it I was just trying to keep them safe. he was a very neglectful parent when they were small, and also a very heavy drinker. He also had some kind of empathy disorder where his own needs always came first, which is actually dangerous for very small children. There were many incidents.

This created a constant feeling of worrying they weren't safe because they weren't and it exhausted me for ten years as I knew I was the only one really engaged with their welfare. I only latterly worked out it was not me being crazy after all, but a real mum sense tingling. In our case, all my extra help gave him the ability to be a good father when in reality he was a terrible, unsafe one. In a way I covered up for him.

So sometimes it's true.