I think I need a good talking to - abusive relationship.

[MessyBunPersonified]

Just to give a general background - I had a very abusive childhood, every kind of abuse, every day, from 4 to 15 when I was kicked out. Got straight into a shit relationship, lasted a couple of years, ended with me being pregnant, my child died a few months after birth. Went down a dark path and ended up with a man in his 30s who was abusive in every way. I had a few children in a pretty short space of time with him, had another child who died a couple of weeks after birth.

Managed to get out with the help of WA. I've been a single working parent for quite a few years.

Met a guy, didn't have the best start to the relationship, I thought it was down to external factors. We have been together over 3 years now. Through that time I've suffered from cancer and a subsequent disability, all if this happened throughout covid so everything was very delayed, and scary. He moved in to help out over covid/cancer and has never moved out again.

We have always had problems. Blamed on various things, but over the last couple of weeks I've realised that the situation is abusive again. Emotionally abusive, so not quite as blatant as I'm used to, but it is.

He has done nothing but lie to me, lie about me, insult me behind my back (and to my face), drag me down and generally be awful, and put everything and everyone above me.

Firstly I'm sitting here wondering why the fuck I've allowed this. AGAIN. What have I ever done in my life that has just made me a target, I've tried to be a good person, I've made mistakes, of course, but I've never deliberately been a terrible person.

This sounds stupid as well, but how do I end this, it isn't one incident to argue about, its a slow build up of lots of smaller issues. He never listens when I talk about something being a problem for me so I don't really know what to do.

I've done the freedom programme, which is how I think I've eventually spotted what's going on, but I honestly think I'm done with allowing anyone in my life because it always happens, I always get used and treated like crap.

I'm just done, so very, very done.

All advice welcome, and appreciated.

Hi!
I've just ended an emotionally abusive relationship after 4 years together.
It's only been two weeks but I already feel SO much better!
Don't overthink it. It's your home, he has to go. Tell him the relationship is not working anymore and he needs to move out.
When you're stuck in a horrible relationship it can feel like such a vicious cycle, but freeing yourself of it is incredibly liberating.
Just for context I too come from an incredibly abusive background, again every form of abuse, also kicked out as a teenager to fend for myself.
But you know what? We dealt with the worst that life could throw at us, at a time when we really needed our parents to care for us, but we survived it. That's takes guts, and courage, and resilience.
We can certainly deal with a dickhead of a man that makes us feel shit AGAIN!
Cmon OP you've got this xxxx
Sending love xxxx

I asked him to do relationship counselling, he refused so the next step was to separate.

Abusive men never want to go to counselling. So that might be an easier way, than just saying get out.

You were going through a tough time qnd it all crept up on you slowly whilst you were distracted so don't beat yourself up about it. These things can happen unfortunately. What matters is what you do now you have seen whats what.

Do you own your own home/is it your name only on the lease?

You said you wanted a talking to and you’ve made great steps with the freedom program.

so my advice is “stop getting in relationships”.

has anyone ever say you down and told you that you don’t NEED a boyfriend?

Don't beat yourself up about the current prat. I bet he wasn't like that when you met. You're not responsible for the way other people treat you, only for how you respond, which should in this case (in my view) consist of asking him to leave and never looking back.

You are learning what you deserve and what you won't put up with, which is an achievement in itself, given your awful childhood.

Thank you all.

@yougotthelook well done on getting out. I remember the feeling of freedom I had when I left my abusive marriage. I felt able to breathe again.

Relationship counselling is a good suggestion, realising how manipulative he is though, he will probably agree, then it will be a stalling tactic until I just forget.

This is 100% my home, only in my name, I pay everything myself as I refused to become dependent on anyone again.

I know I don't need a boyfriend. I was on my own for years, we had a fling and then cancer, then covid snuck up on me and I've got myself into a place I don't want to be. I have nobody in my life to help or rely on, I keep everyone at arms length generally. There was a phase where I was really ill and I relied on him quite a bit then, but he's never allowed me to forget it. When he and I finish I will be happy alone again.

I feel like this situation has brought everything to the forefront, from my childhood onwards. He's made me feel like I'm taking my past out on him, which I suppose is true to some extent, as in I won't tolerate any more bullshit now I've seen what's happening. I've spent so long forgiving him for things he isn't sorry for, and clinging onto his words instead of looking at his actions, thinking I've spent so long making this mistake of a relationship that I can't give up yet, so just put myself through more.

Its going to be hard to pin him down for a talk, this is the bit I'm struggling with, he will just avoid me because he can see how unhappy I am.

You don't even really need to have a talk with him. Just tell him to leave. Don't be drawn into a convo about whys and buts and ifs, just 'this isn't working for me anymore. Pack your shit and bugger off'.

What have I ever done in my life that has just made me a target

Nothing. You're not a target. Abusers try it on with all sorts of people. Healthy people realise what's going on, and get away. Unhealthy people stick around, and beat themselves up for the awfulness of the relationship.

You're doing both. It's a step in the right direction from only doing the latter. Instead of 'realising immediately and getting out', you have 'realised after a while, and are getting out.' It's an improvement. You are learning.

I feel like this situation has brought everything to the forefront, from my childhood onwards

This hurts like hell but it's good. You are linking, for the first time, and in a healthy way, the ways in which your troubled past is unhealthily affecting your 'now'.

It looks to me like you're doing brilliantly, you're recognising stuff, you're seeing things in new ways, you're responding differently, and it's all really healthy progress. It's tough, but keep going. A healthy attachment style is visible on your horizon.

You don't have to pin him down for a talk. This isn't a conversation. You have to tell him something, and it's a one liner: This relationship is over, and I want you to leave.

@FetchezLaVache

Don't beat yourself up about the current prat

Fabulously phrased!

Totally as pp said. If you don't spot them early, thats you screwed. Sometimes it's it's even unhealthy boundaries though, it's just not knowing how to spot red flags.

They aren't fussy, they target everyone. And they'll keep coming. And it's not your fault. But if youre going to date again: read up on red flags (constantly throughout life tbf), take no shit and remember anything that doesn't feel right- isn't.

read up on red flags (constantly throughout life tbf), take no shit and remember anything that doesn't feel right- isn't

I think that 'red flags' is a bit misleading. It's not a list that someone can give you. It's things that make you feel crap. So, there are universal things that make everyone feel crap, like violence and verbal abuse, but there are also personal things, like deciding to get a pet tarantula when you know your partner is phobic about spiders. That won't be on any 'red flag' list, but would definitely be a very questionable behaviour, and red flaggy for the spider-phobe partner. If you loathe butter and your partner cooks you a dinner every day slathered in it, you've got issues with not being listened to/respected, but 'butter' won't be on any 'red flag' list.

But yes, 'anything that doesn't feel right to you isn't right for you' is a good one to go by.

Well there are red flags like love bombing, which might not make everyone feel uncomfortable. Depending on how it's done. But that's still a red flag for everyone to watch out for.

Then there's things like saying one thing one day and another, opposite thing a week later. Again, might not make you feel uncomfortable as you might just think you misheard the fist time.

So there are some red flags that are applicable to everyone but that might not make everyone feel uncomfortable. Sometimes they are just little things that you wouldn't even notice if you hadn't been aware of them. But that doesn't mean they aren't red flags.

But then, I mean 'red flags' of an abuser. Where as you maybe mean it in a 'red flags that they aren't right for you' kind of way.

Well done for recognising it. And well done for being in a position to be able to tell him to leave! Your house, your money. Give yourself credit for those things, and don’t be too hard on yourself. Let us know when you’ve kicked him out

No, we're talking about the same thing. Love bombing and the intensity of a new and future successful relationship feel the same. But you have to invest your own emotions at a sensible pace for you, so that if it all goes south, you don't get too hurt.

The person saying one thing then next week, a different thing... well, it's ok to put it down to your own poor memory until it gets uncomfortable for you, and then you have to make changes.

If you watch out for your own feelings, and respond in a way that protects you, a list of 'red flags' isn't necessary. You won't put up with anything that makes you feel bad, whether others would class it as a red flag or not. Having a list of behaviours is nowhere near as useful as recognising your own feelings and responding to them in a self respectful way.

I would like to thank you all for this advice.

It took me a little while to build up to it, but we talked tonight and he is moving out this weekend.

When I first talked about it after I made this post he made so many promises, however over the last few days I found an old phone with texts from months ago, where he's saying the exact same things, and then some screenshot I took from over a year ago where he's, once again, making the same promises popped up on my photo memories, and its made me realise this awful cycle.

He said he's disappointed and annoyed at himself, and some other self deprecating things, and I just agreed it's him in the wrong and left it at that even though everything in me wanted to make him feel better by blaming myself.

Its going to take a bit of getting used to, but I feel a weight has been lifted already.

Thank you all again.

Well done OP.

Remember you have done this, and you have managed this all of your own accord. Often we go from overt and “obvious” abuse and then ‘graduate’ onto more subtle and covert abuse - until we get healthier and accept no abuse at all. I relate to your passage in this sense. You are moving forward and that’s key, and something you should be very proud of.

Don’t self blame. Covert abuse can be very insidious and come during the perfect storm of other life events. You’ve drawn a line in the sand and you acted with decisiveness. You’ve done exceptionally, given all you’ve endured. Please be proud of that!

I’d like to touch on what the very insightful comment @Watchkeys made, if this poster is inclined to expand at all, as it’s something that resonated deeply with me and something I’m also pondering.

Making the links. When a relationship occupies an unhealthy space in our lives, and when that relationship is a “plug” for deeper self esteem issues, shame or childhood issues, when that relationship breaks down, the pain is more than relationship breakdown pain. I feel it becomes a placeholder for other, deeper, more rooted pain going back to childhood. It activates our inner child. And if the relationship was healthy, that wouldn’t happen. Because that person wouldn’t be fulfilling that primary role of papering the cracks of insecure attachment / poor self esteem etc. I recently went through something similar and would love @Watchkeys to expand on the concept of making the links - and this being in fact a healthy process. Is is healthy to understand that your childhood pain has been activated, and therefore the relationship in itself was not healthy? Because a healthy relationship wouldn’t be something that mitigates or compensates for something so deep rooted. Don’t know if that makes any sense, but I’d love to understand this a bit more, dealing with my own struggles.

I’m so pleased for you. I too was in an abusive relationship- 10 years - I lost everything and everyone in the process.

it’s lonely on your own, but I did use the time to really understand where my red lines are and establish my boundaries

this is the work we have to do anyway. It’s where we learn to protect ourselves

the people who abuse us can “see” our vulnerability, our gaps where boundaries should be and they’re drawn to us like a moth to a flame, or more accurately a hunter to its prey.

when we fix our boundaries and recognise and love ourselves for who and what we are, it forms like a force field and the people who would take advantage of our vulnerabilities are effectively repelled

I found this visualisation really helpful for me, it helped me focus on strengthening myself and I saw the change.

stay strong, make sure he goes and the merest whiff of trouble, please call the police to help get him out.

you’re taking control of your life, you’ll very soon start to feel relief that he’s gone. Your kids will bloom before your eyes.

my ds did, and that was what really helped me in the early days

Thank you both.

He's packed up and left today.

I thought I may get upset, but I just feel relief.

We went for a walk and a chat earlier where he begged for another chance and said all the right things, apologised, admitted his wrongdoings etc, but I've been there before and forgiven him, so I remained resolute and I feel so much lighter for it.

Its been difficult and I've learned a lot about myself and my boundries and that I am strong enough to draw a line if need be.

Looking forward to being on my own again, I've got about 500 projects I've started and never got around to finishing so I'll have lots of time for all that again which I'm excited about.

I do feel a bit bad, my heart is questioning whether this may have been the time he actually changed, my head is telling me that he should have changed when he first knew he was making me unhappy. Ultimately there's too much hurt and I would continuously be reminded of it.

Well done! You did it, you’re free

of course you’ll wobble, but you do know your own mind and you know you have done the right thing. It will get easier and you will get stronger

<high five>

Heartfelt congratulations to you.

What a woman.

Savour the peace in your home and change furniture around, new bedding, mix it up as much as you can, windows open to blow out the old and let in the new.

Keep posting if you feel like it.
It would be lovely to hear how your projects go.👏👍

@MessyBunPersonified

"...my heart is questioning whether this may have been the time he actually changed"

You have really thought this through, don't listen to this voice!

Embrace your freedom and give yourself the time to grow and strengthen. You deserve it.

All the best and well done.

Thank you.

Today has been so lovely.

He messaged this morning, I ignored it. I caught up on all my housework, then played board games with the kids.

I bought my dd a dolls house for Christmas, she isn't a doll kind of kid but has said before she would love a spooky dolls house, so I've spray painted it black and am going to make like a haunted house for her.

I also spent far too long some time sorting and labelling everything in my art shed and will be getting back to that too.

I thought I would miss him today, but I really haven't at all. Its been bliss 😊

I honestly didn't realise how much he was dragging me down because the abuse wasn't black and white, I really questioned it, but now I realise I don't have to define it, it's OK to leave a relationship because I'm not happy, even if it's trivial.

I guess I felt like I owed it to him, or maybe myself, to keep trying, but I really don't. I shouldn't have kept clinging to a mistake just because I spent years making it.

How lovely that you managed to find your centre and act on it. Well done OP, this might not feel like it just now but it's massive progress that will serve you well in future!

these jumped out at me:

He never listens when I talk about something being a problem for me so I don't really know what to do.

and

Its going to be hard to pin him down for a talk, this is the bit I'm struggling with, he will just avoid me because he can see how unhappy I am.

The tricky thing when we've been brought up shit is that we accept not being understood or valued, and look to others for validation.

You've learned not to do this any more, for now at least.

I've learned a lot about myself and my boundaries and that I am strong enough to draw a line if need be.

Yes. Well done OP! Just be prepared for this to be a long journey with ups and downs. We don't learn how to protect and value ourselves overnight. I still fuck up on this from time to time. You might always find it difficult to see where to draw the line. But you have made a crucial first step, and the scales have dropped from your eyes in difficult circumstances. Once that's happened, I don't think we ever go back to being completely blind. Good luck xxx

The tricky thing when we've been brought up shit is that we accept not being understood or valued, and look to others for validation.

This is so true.

I always based my worth off what others thought of me, so allowed myself to be treated like crap by my family, friends and partners.

I'm actually absolutely fine by myself, I'm happy with my own company so I don't know why I strive to make people like me. I guess it's because of trauma from an abusive childhood, but I'm in my 40s now, one of my parents is dead and I haven't spoken to the other for a decade, I don't need to keep traumatising myself to try and fix a past that can never be fixed.

I'm just kicking myself that it's taken so long for me to realise what's been happening because he wasn't hitting me.

I'm actually absolutely fine by myself, I'm happy with my own company so I don't know why I strive to make people like me.

I know exactly what you mean! I often wonder how I can be so contented alone and yet you only have to put another breathing entity in the room with me (doesn't even need to be a human) for me to put their needs first, or at least what I perceive as their needs, which is all a bit of a headfuck.

It's a long (and possibly never-ending) journey, but hurraaaaaaaah that you are not stuck in that particular dead end. x