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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help…I know he still loves her

35 replies

Tittle · 11/08/2022 23:55

I met my boyfriend 7 months ago, I fell for him fairly quickly. We’ve agreed to be exclusive very early on.

He split up with his child’s mother not too long before that but he said all they did was argue and they aren’t right for each other. I was weary but it has been fine so far. Anyway I’ve seen a text exchange between them, I shouldn’t have looked but I could see his screen whilst we were watching a film.

He said to her let’s just focus on being parents. She said is that what you want. He said you’ve made it absolutely clear, you don’t want me. She said something about what he means to her. He said just because he’s not chasing doesn’t mean it’s not love. He then said if this is what love is he would be happy to go without it.

When I saw the messages I was shaking, I said I need to go to bed with a headache. I can’t really make heads or tails of what he’s saying, I can’t confront him as I think he will downplay it. I know I should just move on but right now I just want to lie in bed and cry. He’s downstairs eating food right now. I just needed to talk this out I hope someone awake

OP posts:
Carrieonmywaywardsun · 11/08/2022 23:58

It sounds like they've maybe discussed trying again, she doesn't want him back but maybe he wants her. Without seeing the whole conversation you won't know what's going on. Think it over, when your mind is clearer speak to him about it

Original poster
Tittle · 12/08/2022 00:00

Thank you for your reply, I am being emotional. I’ve been cheated on before but I completely trusted him so I feel like it’s rocked me a bit. I may say that I don’t feel well and ask if he can go for tonight

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 12/08/2022 00:03

that is upsetting for you - and must be a bit of a shock. Talk to him about it and then you’ll know

Original poster
Tittle · 12/08/2022 00:05

Surely he would just shut it down rather than being a sad sap saying ‘you don’t want me’

If that was me I would say let’s focus on our child

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 12/08/2022 00:27

It sounds like if she wanted him back, he would go for it.

Even if she wouldn't ever say that to him, I couldn't personally stay with him in your position as it means his head and heart aren't in the right space to be dating right now.

And as parents, knowing they aren't going to get back together (by the sounds of it) they are being selfish and irresponsible having these sort of conversations as they should be focused on successful and stable co-parenting which requires clear and strong boundaries.

And the fact you looked through his messages means this relationship isn't a keeper anyway.

You've invested seven months already. Don't do any more OP Flowers

Original poster
Tittle · 12/08/2022 07:21

Thank you. I didn’t look at his messages so much as I could see his phone. He went home and text me to ask if I’m okay. I feel a bit better this morning, I will ask him about it today I think

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 12/08/2022 08:02

To me, it sounds like she’s the one fishing to see if he still likes her.
Maybe he does, or has some residual feelings, but he’s also got some strong boundaries which are overriding that and he doesn’t want to return to the dynamic they had despite how he feels.

litterbird · 12/08/2022 08:13

Its always tricky entering into a relationship with someone who has just split up with another. Even more trickier if they have children together. Sometimes there is a period of adjustment from both sides where they take time apart to reassess what they really want. Sounds like she didn't want him anymore and she is regretting this decision. It also sounds like he still feels for her but wants to be a co parent to their child. Its a difficult one for you OP and I hope you are not the rebound relationship where he is finding his feet without her and the child and you have come into the frame to help him through this transition. Just be very very wary of everything. If you choose to stay then you will have to accept his ex into your life too. She may up the ante and start pushing for them to get back together, you just dont know what will happen as they haven't quite settled the former relationship yet. Talk to him today and be open and honest.

Original poster
Tittle · 12/08/2022 08:37

Thank you for your replies. I think the most telling part is the present tense.
He said You don’t want me and he also said to her you’ll never change for me. That says to me like he’s still wants her to change or want him…

I think it’s a hard situation where she will always be around, and I don’t think he’s fully ready to move on sadly

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 12/08/2022 08:45

Yes, end it. All the second guessing will drive you bananas.

Speechdelaymamma · 12/08/2022 08:47

I’ve been in your shoes. It doesn’t get better. Too much gets damaged in the process. I’ve learned from it and my DP now was separated from his ex for 7 years before we got together - enough time for them to work through the kinks. It’s so common for exes with kids to bounce back and forth from one another for a couple of years after as they figure out the new dynamics and it’s not fair if you to be caught in the middle. I think you should end the relationship and give him space to sort through his feelings.

Original poster
Tittle · 12/08/2022 09:11

I’m really hurt, I know it’s not necessarily his fault but this hurts. I love him so much

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 12/08/2022 09:41

I can’t confront him as I think he will downplay it

You don't love him. You can't, because you don't trust him. You have some kind of attachment to him, but it's not love. Have a think about why you attach to people. Think about how you were brought up. How were you attached to your parents? Did they put your feelings first, and make you feel that your feelings were a priority? Did they listen to and respect concerns that you had?

Somewhere along the line you've learned 'This person dismisses my concerns, and that's part of what love looks like'. You'll need to un-learn that at some point, if you want to have a happy relationship. The healthy view is 'This person dismisses my concerns, so they are not a good match for me.'

Whether he has feelings for his ex or not isn't the issue, here. Regardless of that, you don't trust him. If you did, you wouldn't be reading his phone over his shoulder and questioning his communications with other people.

baileys6904 · 12/08/2022 10:02

Please talk to him first before you start just straight up believing peoples theories on here which, despite the best intentions in the world, are subjective and based on their own experiences. Most people come to a relationship forum as they want advise on a relationship which is not going well. Therefore the audience is biased already.
Talk to him!! Only you know him, not us on here.

To be honest, once you have a child with someone, it's strange. A lot of people split with their partner as it's not the right atmosphere for the child, or just like lots of threads on here, they love them but not in love with them. It's a mature thing to recognise and move on. Communication is key and only he will be able to tell you how he feels right now. Only you can decide whether you want to accept that ( whatever it may be) or not

Watchkeys · 12/08/2022 10:13

@baileys6904

OP has already said that she feels he'll downplay it, so she's not trusting that he'll represent things as they actually are. What's the point in talking to him if she already doesn't believe he'll be honest?

TitInATrance · 12/08/2022 10:22

It sounds to me as if she said wants him to come back but he is pointing out that:

  • She doesn’t want him (sexual problems?)
  • She’s refused to change her attitude / compromise
  • Her idea of love is very different from his
They are incompatible, you as a couple are not. I’d say he’s just giving her a string of justifications to back up his “NO!”. He can’t block and ignore as they have a child, and probably hasn’t been coached in the MN official responses to limit communication, Personally I wouldn’t be worried.
Original poster
Tittle · 12/08/2022 10:43

You wouldn’t be worried even though when she said do you want to stick to the parent stuff then he said you’ve made things very clear.
That isn’t a yes I want to co parent only

OP posts:
Speechdelaymamma · 12/08/2022 10:47

Tittle · 12/08/2022 10:43

You wouldn’t be worried even though when she said do you want to stick to the parent stuff then he said you’ve made things very clear.
That isn’t a yes I want to co parent only

Yes this feels like she broke up with him for whatever reason and if he had his way they’d still be together. And now he’s moving on but reminding her that she caused this. Either way if he was 100% happy about the coparenting situation he would have shut that conversation down.

Original poster
Tittle · 12/08/2022 10:55

Thanks everyone for your views and your replies, and your patience. I haven’t said anything to friends yet and I’m glad I can talk it out here

OP posts:
LetHimHaveIt · 12/08/2022 10:59

Watchkeys · 12/08/2022 10:13

@baileys6904

OP has already said that she feels he'll downplay it, so she's not trusting that he'll represent things as they actually are. What's the point in talking to him if she already doesn't believe he'll be honest?

Exactly. The number of women on here who write bollocks like: 'Why don't you try asking him rather than a bunch of random on Mumsnet?' in response to 'I've found text messages/receipts/condoms/size 10 lacy knickers'. Er - because they'll probably lie? Might that be it?

baileys6904 · 12/08/2022 12:04

Ahhh so we should presume some guilty just because we think they'd make excuses.... That so makes sense. Fucking criminal courts should well clear the backlogs based on that presumption. Perhaps your other halves should presume you guilty just cos they think, based on their feelings or a very limited 7 month experience on your life, they'd assume you'd downplay it.

It's this type of bollocks that wreck strangers relationships whilst you go through life non the wiser.

Anyways, apologies, as you were. I forgot the 'all men are wankers mantra' we are meant to adopt on here

Speechdelaymamma · 12/08/2022 12:08

baileys6904 · 12/08/2022 12:04

Ahhh so we should presume some guilty just because we think they'd make excuses.... That so makes sense. Fucking criminal courts should well clear the backlogs based on that presumption. Perhaps your other halves should presume you guilty just cos they think, based on their feelings or a very limited 7 month experience on your life, they'd assume you'd downplay it.

It's this type of bollocks that wreck strangers relationships whilst you go through life non the wiser.

Anyways, apologies, as you were. I forgot the 'all men are wankers mantra' we are meant to adopt on here

Obviously we are going by what the OP has said. It’d be interesting to know if the reason she feels he may downplay it is because it’s a pattern of his behaviour rather than a fear of hers?

On the flip side, if this were a truly communicative and healthy relationship, he would have told OP that his ex was asking if he wanted more than just co parenting but the conversation didn’t happen from his side either. I don’t think it’s right hiding conversations like that from your OH.

Pinkbonbon · 12/08/2022 12:38

HE said both parts about the not chasing AND the 'if this is love then he'd rather go without it' ?

If so then sounds like HE is saying 'love isn't enough so I don't want to get back with you'. Plus he has also said 'let's focus on being parents'. Seems mature to me. But we don't know the context of what their relationship was really like.

Also he maybe shouldn't be dating again if he still has these strong feelings for an ex. It may ne likely that he doesn't take your relationship as seriously as you do. There is certainly a chance you are going to get hurt.

It's arguably, selfish of him to be dating again when he still 'loves' someone else. Also, I curious as to what he expected her to 'change' for him. Ifnits possible that there arguments he had woth her were because she wouldn't put up and shut up.

Does he create little arguments with you a lot? Or make digs? Or act selfish? If so, the possibility is that he was the inflexible problem in their relationship and will be the same to you .

what is your relationship like in general?

category12 · 12/08/2022 12:47

Personally I'd recommend you call it a day. Feeling like the guy would ditch you for the ex if he had the opportunity is just no basis to build anything good.

It'll eat at you. You deserve to feel like he would choose you. Anything less is a recipe for poor self esteem and misery.

LetHimHaveIt · 12/08/2022 12:49

baileys6904 · 12/08/2022 12:04

Ahhh so we should presume some guilty just because we think they'd make excuses.... That so makes sense. Fucking criminal courts should well clear the backlogs based on that presumption. Perhaps your other halves should presume you guilty just cos they think, based on their feelings or a very limited 7 month experience on your life, they'd assume you'd downplay it.

It's this type of bollocks that wreck strangers relationships whilst you go through life non the wiser.

Anyways, apologies, as you were. I forgot the 'all men are wankers mantra' we are meant to adopt on here

Dear God. Bit of a leap from acknowledging that men sometimes lie, to suggesting we'd all like to dispense with trial by jury . . . 🙄

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