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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He dumped me after an argument - excuse?

58 replies

Fallingslowly26 · 11/08/2022 18:14

I (29 F) was dating a guy I met on Bumble (33M) for two months. We got into a bit of an argument over text at the weekend. I told him he wasn’t really making much of an effort with me/his communication had been off because he’d gone away for the weekend and hadn’t mentioned anything about it beforehand. I had hoped to see him at the weekend.

My Bumble profile was on pause (I thought this was going somewhere) but I’d noticed that his profile was still active had been logging into the app. I was disappointed to see that he’d logged into the app in the city he was visiting, and brought it up, saying that it made me so unsure of where we stood. I told him my app had been paused for ages.

instead of talking to me about it, he shut the conversation down , saying he was tired and then he ignored me for three days. When he came back from the trip, he texted me saying it was over .

I was really upset and called him to talk things over. He said that he’d failed an important exam at work that has the potential to jeopardise his career - if he fails his resits, his job will essentially be over. He said he had realised after our argument that it was going to be very difficult juggling a relationship plus all the work needed to pass his resits and didn’t have the energy or capacity to devote time to both.

is this an excuse? In the past I have felt like people I have dated who are going through exams or difficult times have just found a way to make it work , and have been really clear about availability to manage expectations. Plus, there’s the issue of him logging into apps. He claims he can’t devote time to a relationship , but then why would he be constantly on the apps?

OP posts:
Blue4YOU · 11/08/2022 22:48

Op - stop working yourself up about these guys. Do you want to waste your life on losers?

LilyMarshall · 11/08/2022 22:55

Is this the guy who said he was moving cities?!

qpmz · 11/08/2022 23:02

Did you talk about being exclusive? It seems far too early after meeting to expect all this communication. It puts unnecessary pressure on it when it should be casual and fun.

alwaysmovingforwards · 11/08/2022 23:08

Smellywellyhoo · 11/08/2022 21:56

He hasn't really done anything wrong. It's two months in and he's let you know that it's not working for him. I'm not sure what more you want from him?

Agreed.
Whilst disappointing for the OP, it's pretty straight forward that he didn't want to pursue a relationship because he said as much and then followed through by ending it. Case closed.

firsttimemom99 · 11/08/2022 23:18

Ugh some of these commenters are so rude. Considering we’re all women here, I’m appalled at the lack of empathy we have for each others situations.
Firstly, I’m sorry you’ve had your time and energy wasted, hun. It truly is a horrible feeling.
Secondly, do not blame yourself. He seems to have pretended to be serious with you when he didn’t really want a relationship, otherwise he wouldn’t have stayed active on the app. I feel like the dating world is all about trial and error. I have a habit of latching on to people or getting roped in easily and not really recognising that the other person doesn’t give a crap or barely thinks of me. This has resulted in a LOT of wasted mental energy either hoping the person realises my worth and returns, or overthinking the whole thing and questioning my worth.
You deserve someone who is about you and ONLY you.
Im not going to lie and act like you can instantly forget or move on (like some posters seems to think), but focusing on the future is best. The more time you spend confused and wondering why means more time wasted and less energy put towards your own growth. Even things that are short lived can really stick with you.
Best of luck darling ❤️

SarahAndQuack · 11/08/2022 23:28

What a weirdly patronising post.

wellhelloitsme · 11/08/2022 23:32

He's not a doctor by any chance is he OP?

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 11/08/2022 23:38

SarahAndQuack · 11/08/2022 23:28

What a weirdly patronising post.

Glad it's not just me that thought that

firsttimemom99 · 11/08/2022 23:42

How so?

WTF475878237NC · 11/08/2022 23:45

If you have to tell a man you've been dating a couple of months he's not making much effort then either your expectations are way off or he's really not that he interested in a relationship with you ...but will probably carry it along until he meets someone he prefers. Only you know which is the case in your situation.

Junebughustle · 12/08/2022 00:14

@firsttimemom99 I also thought you were patronising. Its not unempathetic to suggest someone is being too intense and expecting too much out of a two month tryst. You cannot make demands of someone's time and communication in so short a time, especially if you're not agreed re: exclusivity. Just because we all have the same genitals doesn't mean we have to sycophantically share each others madness.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2022 00:16

Why are you chasing a man you barely know, who you've only dated for 2 months? It's embarrassing. Just stop it.

wellhelloitsme · 12/08/2022 00:21

60 days you've been seeing this guy OP.

And you've made a thread about him on here alone the equivalent of every 15 days.

When a relationship isn't right, you'll be confused. When it's right, you won't be.

This one isn't working. Time to move on for good Flowers

SarahAndQuack · 12/08/2022 00:30

firsttimemom99 · 11/08/2022 23:42

How so?

You don't know the OP in person, do you. Weird to call her 'hun' and 'darling' and talk as if you're close friends. This fake intimacy is the problem, isn't it?

firsttimemom99 · 12/08/2022 01:04

SarahAndQuack · 12/08/2022 00:30

You don't know the OP in person, do you. Weird to call her 'hun' and 'darling' and talk as if you're close friends. This fake intimacy is the problem, isn't it?

Show quote history

I didn’t realise that being kind to someone with words is a crime? You people come across so emotionless and cold it’s actually sickening to me. Isn’t this forum a place for people to come and feel safe and heard, and receive advice from people who understand them? Terms of endearment are normal, especially when it comes to comforting someone. You also don’t know the original poster, so borderline attacking her and saying she’s being pathetic essentially for having expected a relationship from someone isn’t doing anyone any favours. I’d rather be a kind and supportive person than come across as nasty as you are. Have a good night DARLING 😜

firsttimemom99 · 12/08/2022 01:10

Junebughustle · 12/08/2022 00:14

@firsttimemom99 I also thought you were patronising. Its not unempathetic to suggest someone is being too intense and expecting too much out of a two month tryst. You cannot make demands of someone's time and communication in so short a time, especially if you're not agreed re: exclusivity. Just because we all have the same genitals doesn't mean we have to sycophantically share each others madness.

I don’t really get this tbh. How is it ‘madness’ to have been convinced by someone that a connection is going somewhere, or to have believed that it’s going somewhere? I’m actually baffled that I am now being attacked by several people for simply coming with a softer and more kind approach. You can think it’s patronising all you want, I sympathise with the poster as I have been in similar situations, therefore I can relate to her and understand that it may be painful. People need to stop using this platform as a way to project their own bs onto people who are only looking for advice. To even come on here and make a post is brave because you never know how it’s going to be received. I guarantee I’m significantly younger than you, too. It’s crazy.

JangolinaPitt · 12/08/2022 01:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Interesting observation!

Musti · 12/08/2022 05:01

Hi op. This guy is clearly not into you as he didn’t tell you he was going away and is still on the dating app. Stupid excuse that he’s too busy studying (yet has time to look for women on apps).

Datinv is getting to know someone to see if it is leading to a relationship. This one didn’t but it doesn’t mean that another one won’t. Well done for calling him out on it. Keep those standards high and you will find someone who wants you and values you.

Junebughustle · 12/08/2022 05:48

@firsttimemom99 perhaps you also should consider then, two months in is far too early to expect someone to tell you their whereabouts and expect exclusivity from, unless you'd both talked about it.

elzober · 12/08/2022 06:13

I told him he wasn’t really making much of an effort with me.

I was disappointed to see that he’d logged into the app in the city he was visiting, and brought it up.

The above is quite intense after just two months. Until you are official and exclusive with someone, they are still technically single (and you are too!) and in the the case of most men they keep their options open for a while. If they go a bit quieter, it's guaranteed they probably are busy with someone else or just life in general and that's what you should be doing too rather than pulling him up on everything like this.

The mistake a lot of us women make is we put all the eggs in one basket from very early on and show loyalty to people who haven't earned it yet and then chase and nag them when they don't show us the same, which ultimately puts a lot of men off.

Women too should keep their options wide open and date a few different people at this early stage so you avoid hedging your bets on just one person who may not be right or waiting around for one individual to text/ call back. Only when one man really steps up and stands out for his efforts should you think about exclusivity.

A lot of people won't agree as they'll think it's too promiscuous for a woman to date multiple people (doesn't have to be sexual with everyone btw) but men do the same and why should anyone get your loyalty and full attention until they earned it. You are the prize.

I think you need a new mindset around dating.

Aprilx · 12/08/2022 06:14

firsttimemom99 · 12/08/2022 01:04

I didn’t realise that being kind to someone with words is a crime? You people come across so emotionless and cold it’s actually sickening to me. Isn’t this forum a place for people to come and feel safe and heard, and receive advice from people who understand them? Terms of endearment are normal, especially when it comes to comforting someone. You also don’t know the original poster, so borderline attacking her and saying she’s being pathetic essentially for having expected a relationship from someone isn’t doing anyone any favours. I’d rather be a kind and supportive person than come across as nasty as you are. Have a good night DARLING 😜

Show quote history

I think what was annoying about your post, was not that you used a “softer tone” to OP, but that you called other posters rude and also suggested that because we are all women that we have one mind or something, which is very patronising.

Now me, well I don’t date anymore and haven’t in the last twenty years, but I think I would be like OP, perhaps yourself in getting quite involved quite soon, I would consider two months a long time. But I would then really benefit from others telling me that no it isn’t and being objective in their analysis of the situation as people have been here.

Actually I can be objective quite easily for others too - he isn’t into her, he told her, came up with the excuse when she pushed it and insisted they talk and really it doesn’t matter if it was an excuse anyway, he isn’t interested. I don’t see the point of being overly sympathetic and making OP feel she has been wronged in some way, she hasn’t, it just isn’t happening, through nobody’s fault.

girlmom21 · 12/08/2022 06:25

You're pretty full on and were checking up on him.
He was right to end it.

OhMerde · 12/08/2022 07:38

firsttimemom99 · 11/08/2022 23:42

How so?

Hun, darling and infantalising a grown woman for starters.

youlightupmyday · 12/08/2022 07:54

I agree two months of sleeping with someone is a plenty of time to feel bonded. If i look back over my dating life. If you got past three months it was a go-er. You both know whether you are falling in love, or not. It sucks if one of you is and the other isn't.

Ilovemycat1 · 12/08/2022 08:03

Shes not been full on at all 🙄

He has led her to believe for two months a relationship was on the cards and pulled a 180 when she put her cards on the table

All whilst he was still using Bumble on the regular, setting up more dates and speaking to other woman

The dating game has totally changed in the past five years - its brutal

If she stayed dating him and remained 'chill' with no 'exclusivity' and 'was not so intense' in six months with the same narrative I guarentee her responses would also blame her. 'Clearly he had red flags' 'why did you not say you wanted exclusivity and a relationship' 'how could you put up with this'. 'I could not date someone for a week knowing they are still on Bumble'.

OP you have done nothing wrong
Forget him

Also all of this 'two months is too soon' - men know straight away if you are what they are looking for and waste no time taking you off the market.