Want to leave but will be blamed for breaking up a ‘happy marriage’

[Wornoutmom50]

Nearly 50 and feel so helpless and trapped. I have two DC with him, both early teens.

My mom was and is over critical about everything I do, at one point claiming she brought up DC when they were younger not me as ‘I couldn’t cope’ (I actually have depression). On the outside everyone including DC think I’m the terrible daughter and parent. Both tell me I’m awful to their dad and grandmother. Everybody sees both as wonderful, funny people. To me I get criticism or her projected anxiety onto me with mom. With DH, he works long hours, he likes to make dinner when he comes home but I get told I should be lucky to have him doing these things after a long work day. I tell him I have an equally hard job (12 hours on some days) but he says I’m lazy and ‘everyone gets tired and stressed’. His words and actions hurt me and then he starts to do nice things like sending me sweet texts but the words are meaningless now. I feel numb to him.

I try to do the dinner, tidy, manage house bills, DC schedules. I don’t get time for me. When I do I feel guilty or exhausted. I’m currently sat here trying to do work admin and then do housework. We fly out to Tenerife at the weekend, haven’t even considered the packing yet. I ask for help from everyone but get accused by everyone of nagging, always to give them ‘one minute’ but no one does!

DM even if I’m struggling emotionally or get upset is rather cold, if my DC are distressed she has every unwanted solution, again I’m being a bad mom, they’re struggling as I’m not there for them enough. I don’t feel like she likes me very much😰.

I dont think DH likes or loves me, we are never intimate, he works long hours, he never wants to do fun stuff, tired by 9 (I think due to drink but he won’t admit). I sit next to him in silence most evenings until he sleeps.

I’ve written a confusing jumble of my sad hurt feelings down. My grammar and English is bad in this. I’ve posted on here before and the worry I have is the model I’m giving to my DC. I am finding it hard to leave DH, I want to but I’m scared that DC and everyone will say I’m selfish, mad, destructive as DH to everyone is a ‘great guy’ who has given me everything. I will be the bad mom!

I don’t have the strength to leave him or stand up to my mom. Really not looking forward to being away with him.

It sounds like you spend your life trying to do the right thing, with very little (or any?) emotional support or recognition for you. It is easier to be criticised for living life you way, than it is for living life for others. It's not easy, but basically you are damned whatever you do, so make yourself happy because no-one else is going to.

And I would minimise contact with your mum, it sounds like the relationship is very draining and this can be hard to cope with alongside depression.

I wanted to leave my husband for some time before I got the strength and courage to do it. I know from friends this is a common thing and fearing the judgement of others is part of that.
I suggest starting to make practical plans in your head and bide your time.
In my case it was quite sudden that I felt able to do it so I acted quickly once I became gripped by a new courage. I'd had to wait a while for that to happen but I gave no regrets about all now.

You aren't breaking up a happy marriage though are you? You sound desperately unhappy in fact.

Do you need your mother to be so involved in your life? For example when you say your children are struggling she blames it on you. Is she there to see the struggling or are you telling her about it.

If you are telling her about it you need to stop giving her so much detail about your life. Keep your conversations lighter, about surface topics only. Don't tell her what your DH is or isn't doing, or what your children are doing etc.

I feel like you would be able to cope with your depression much better if you didn't have your DH in one ear telling you you are lazy and nagging (ffs can't men come up with anything more original than nagging) and your mum in your other ear telling you its all your fault.

Thank you all, it’s nice to feel heard rather than criticised.

I’m hoping to leave DH in the next year, I have a window of time before DC start their GCSE choices, etc, I’m terrified of them saying I have caused a happy home to be broken up. I know my DP will. In the past when I’ve had courage to tell them I’m not happy I get told it’s worse out there on your own and DH is a good man who has provided well for me. It’s like no one sees that I work and try to be a good mum, manage a house too!

DH has a way of making himself like the put upon man. Everyone sees him in a way that makes me look unreasonable. I get the silent treatment when no one is around, he chooses to help with stuff on his terms. I am exhausted from doing everything.

We’ve tried couples therapy and he’s done AA but his job means he can’t commit to the time for it, tbh I don’t want it anymore, I just don’t feel connected like that to him.

It worries me that as everyone does say I’m the problem that maybe I am? I’m reading back my thread and it does sound self involved.

My friend suffered a miserable marriage for the sake of her daughter, once daughter turned 17 and she couldn't carry on with it anymore she told daughter that she and her Dad were seperating. I' m surprised you never did it sooner" was the reply.
Children/ young adults are very astute and resilient.
Theres a saying " You need to jump and find your wings on the way down" You don' t need to have everything lined up or wait for perfect opportunity, you" ll be waiting forever. Just take the first step and go from there.

Silent treatment is abusive

You are with an abusive alcoholic who seems very good at making you feel like it is all you fault.

Its no surprise you have ended with someone like this given you have a terrible mother who is good at doing the same.

You need to do the freedom programme so that you can break the cycle.

But also you do know its enough to divorce just because you are unhappy don't you? Like the fact that he is an abusive alcoholic is actually irrelevant. You don't need any more reasons than being unhappy.

Don't drag this out another year.

Nothing you do will ever be good enough for your Mother or you Husband and that attitude has spread to your kids. It's too late to grab back your assertiveness now but you can make a start on your self esteem and happiness.

You don't need anyone's permission or approval to live your life.

Get yourself prepared and go low contact with your parents. You can still love them but not like them and they don't need to be so heavily involved with your life. It's time they had a time out and gave you the space you need to rebuild your confidence and find the new you.

Your children aren't showing you much respect and this is probably learned by Granny and Dad. Once you are on your own, away from those who are keeping you down, they will see a better you and hopefully your relationship with them will improve.

Remember, you husband's job was to love and respect you and he has failed at that very basic level. He failed you, not the other way around.

Please be brave and find the strength to be free of the negative forces keeping you depressed, anxious and with such low esteem and confidence you can't see any hope.

Thanks all. I don’t have the finances or the strength at the moment to leave now.

I’m very worried that my teens are displaying disrespect and unhelpfulness like my mom and DH. I do feel like a bad, useless mom for not leaving him sooner. How do I take those steps as financially and in the current economic climate I would be taking my DC into absolute poverty. He has won.

What’s the freedom programme please?

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

It will help you recognise abusive behaviours so that you can avoid them in future relationships (e.g. avoid having relationships with abusive people).

You are potentially not strong at recognising when you are being abused because your mothers behaviour towards you is abusive, and therefore you think these behaviours are normal.

Its something that can be useful in breaking the cycle

You only get one life OP. Don't waste it unhappily sitting there waiting for him to sleep or accepting constant negativity.

Free yourself and start living again. They can take their opinions and shove them up their areas.

Also stop feeling so critical of yourself. Get angry. How dare they treat you in such a way when you break your back doing so much? How dare they!

I would be taking my DC into absolute poverty
From your comments, wouldn't the DC stay with DH?

Why would the OP leave her children with an alcoholic who is refusing to go to AA because he is 'too busy'

It's not you, it's them. All of them are treating you like a servant. And your mum is toxic. No wonder you're feeling down.

We fly out to Tenerife at the weekend, haven't even considered the packing yet

This stood out to me. Please tell me that you're not expected to sort everybody's clothes and belongings out and pack their bags as well as your own.

Thank you for this and yes you are right I can’t see abuse but also worry that I have traits too otherwise why would I be ok with this?

DH has accused me of me narcissistic and self absorbed, if I’m accused constantly of nagging and being negative maybe they’re all right?

I will look into this programme, appreciate this.

Thanks for your reply, I definitely wouldn’t leave them with him but I suspect (like his DF) he will play the martyr and DC will want to stay with him. I would fight against this though.

Sounds like your marriage isn’t working well. On here you’ll be told it’s his fault, your being abused and need to do the freedom program and your kids will thank you. That is unlikely to be true. Mumsnet just loves to justify the woman wanting to leave as morally right. It’s neither right nor wrong it just is.
Hes probably not perfect and neither are you probably and your not getting on. No need to make more of it.

It does sound like he may have been ground down a little by your depression though. It’s not easy to life with someone like that.

Yes they will expect me to pack. Today I’ve asked for help and got mouthful from both teen DC.

@Tinaaaaarrrghhh Thanks for your response, what would you advise? I feel the depression has been made worse by my family members.

You could be clear that you aren't packing for teens or DH.
I pack for only one teen in my house, he has adhd and struggles. He is also polite about this.
DH and other teen pack for themselves.
State you aren't packing for them, leave them to it. Give them a suitcase.

I've reread your OP and it is so strange because you are living my life 5 years ago. Or similar anyway. I had a husband who was a functional alcoholic who went to bed early every night, who made dinner because he wanted to, a hyper-critical mother and teenagers who were constantly on my last nerve. I wasn't working 12 hour days though (hell no), and I wasn't told I was lazy with the push-pull dynamics you describe with your husband. I also had/have depression.

My initial advice was that you are being criticised for the efforts and the sacrifices you are making, so what do you have to lose by changing things. You need to work out what you want and start advocating for it. Maybe see a counsellor. Mine was life changing. I just stopped being the fixer, I only put time and effort into reciprocal relationships, I started volunteering as well because it gave the opportunity to get out and be in a community where I was welcomed for what I was and what I could give. One thing I did with my teenagers was tell them, repeatedly, that as teenagers I had a duty to them to put up with whatever they brought, as they moved into adulthood there had to be respect in the relationship from their side, because I wasn't tolerating being treated badly. I started changing because I got to the stage where I didn't care that much anymore, and I have made a lot of positive changes that have made a big difference. I still have work to do, still have recurrent depression, still have days when I struggle but it's easier because I have agency. So you don't have to divorce, you don't have to blow up anything but you do need to start focusing on you. Right now. That's my tuppence worth anyway.

Your DC have clearly picked up on the negativity from your mother and DH.
Refuse to pack any bags but your own (unless children have additional needs). Give each their own suitcase and state it's their job to pack for themselves. If they refuse, they will just have to wash and wear the minimal stuff they have on them. I'm angry on your behalf that your DC and DH treat you like this, put some boundaries up, show them some consequences. It's bad for DC in the long term...them being so reliant on you to do everything for them...and if they adore DH so much, let him pack for them if he wants!

I agree with the packing, explain to the children that they're old enough to pack their own suitcases now. Maybe offer to help them write a packing list (unless they are sullen and rude).

But then take no further responsibility for it - including reminders to everyone. It's not your job to remember everything for them.

Step back, be less present and helpful. If your default position is to step in each time and solve everyone's problems- stop now