Want to leave but will be blamed for breaking up a ‘happy marriage’

[Wornoutmom50]

Nearly 50 and feel so helpless and trapped. I have two DC with him, both early teens.

My mom was and is over critical about everything I do, at one point claiming she brought up DC when they were younger not me as ‘I couldn’t cope’ (I actually have depression). On the outside everyone including DC think I’m the terrible daughter and parent. Both tell me I’m awful to their dad and grandmother. Everybody sees both as wonderful, funny people. To me I get criticism or her projected anxiety onto me with mom. With DH, he works long hours, he likes to make dinner when he comes home but I get told I should be lucky to have him doing these things after a long work day. I tell him I have an equally hard job (12 hours on some days) but he says I’m lazy and ‘everyone gets tired and stressed’. His words and actions hurt me and then he starts to do nice things like sending me sweet texts but the words are meaningless now. I feel numb to him.

I try to do the dinner, tidy, manage house bills, DC schedules. I don’t get time for me. When I do I feel guilty or exhausted. I’m currently sat here trying to do work admin and then do housework. We fly out to Tenerife at the weekend, haven’t even considered the packing yet. I ask for help from everyone but get accused by everyone of nagging, always to give them ‘one minute’ but no one does!

DM even if I’m struggling emotionally or get upset is rather cold, if my DC are distressed she has every unwanted solution, again I’m being a bad mom, they’re struggling as I’m not there for them enough. I don’t feel like she likes me very much😰.

I dont think DH likes or loves me, we are never intimate, he works long hours, he never wants to do fun stuff, tired by 9 (I think due to drink but he won’t admit). I sit next to him in silence most evenings until he sleeps.

I’ve written a confusing jumble of my sad hurt feelings down. My grammar and English is bad in this. I’ve posted on here before and the worry I have is the model I’m giving to my DC. I am finding it hard to leave DH, I want to but I’m scared that DC and everyone will say I’m selfish, mad, destructive as DH to everyone is a ‘great guy’ who has given me everything. I will be the bad mom!

I don’t have the strength to leave him or stand up to my mom. Really not looking forward to being away with him.

@magicofthefae @calmlakes Thank you for listening, I’m definitely not packing for any of them as I don’t have the energy to do their stuff, they’re old enough too. I will get grief when they get to our apartment and they don’t have enough clothes or the right clothes with the weather!

@Catriona898 Your words and actions are very encouraging, I’m trying to take steps to get back to me. How is your relationship with your DH and DC now, did your DC change their behaviour? I feel so unsupported and when they hear their DF tell me to shut up it gives them permission to do it and not listen to me. I just feel worn out and fed up, the holiday will just be an extension of being at home if I’m honest with myself.

@FavouriteMug thank you as well, I do get really stressed that if there is a stand off that I end up doing everything anyways but I’m resisting!

Good for you, there's definitely an art to it and you'll get used to it.

Try to be less helpful, less present, less capable. Be elsewhere, have a few regular commitments of your own outside of the home that you prioritise for you but don't make the mistake of planning ahead on behalf of everyone else in your absence. Just go and let them figure it all out without you.

All of the above is perfectly possible without confrontation.

@Wornoutmom50

The relationship with my DC has improved a lot, there were quite a few struggles to get there, but I think there would have been in any instance. I created a lot of problems with the way I brought my DC up, my own childhood was difficult so I wanted to create my perfect version of family life, warm and cosy , where everyone felt safe and happy, add into the mix my husband (who was a functional alcoholic for over a decade!), and I took everyone's woes on board. I was the one who had to fix everything, be everything. I created several rods for my own back! I also didn't like my DC to see any vulnerability or weakness in me, because I felt that would make them feel unsafe. All this meant that my kids didn't see me as a person, and didn't treat me very well. I was getting very worn down because I was doing so much and getting taken for granted. I think I was was waiting for someone to say "Look how amazing Catriona is!", but they never did. I started off with things like not doing anyone else's ironing, demanding a choice of movie on movie night, picking my favourite dinner occasionally, and building up. And I started being more open, telling them if I'm having a bad day etc and saying to them if I wanted them to come out for lunch with me instead of waiting for them to want to. Saying no when I felt they were taking advantage. Just creating a space for myself that was more comfortable, and I think my DC needed it. Anyway. Nothing is perfect, and the teenage years are difficult for everyone. But we have muddled through and I feel close to them.

I have zero tolerance with being told to shut up though, I'm so sorry you have to tolerate that! I have been spoken rudely to, but I just say, we will continue this conversation when you are ready to speak to me with respect". I don't like rudeness of any kind! Obviously, it's not the best answer when being told to shut up! Do not ever let your children be rude to you without challenging them somehow. You don't deserve it.

My DH stopped drinking and changed addictions..... We will see what happens there, I can't worry too much about that. I am spending my time working on my mental health now. It's my priority at the moment.

@Catriona898 I think I can really relate to what you experienced as my DH has hugely affected my mental health with his drinking. I don’t acknowledge as I get denials and it was/ is draining. You’ve given me some hope and motivation with dealing with everyone, I think I too have been making a rod for my own back. I think it’s due to my own childhood with a mom who now seems loving and concerned with her grandchildren more than she ever was with me. My DC don’t appreciate my attention to them though, they take it for granted and I don’t feel appreciate me. This teenage stage is so hard !

@FavouriteMug thank you , I will try to be less present and available. I will be leaving them to pack their own cases!