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Original poster

Is this ‘moving too fast’?

30 replies

TheOpeningActofSpring · 11/08/2022 07:12

This might be long.

In the last few years I have worked hard to free myself from the influence of my mother who is critical, selfish, and manages her relationships without considering others on her terms. She does not show interest in others’ lives. She’s fallen out with a lot of family. We are in contact by phone and visit a few times a year but it’s always hard work. She lives in a different country which helps.

After a comment from her in a recent phone conversation I am doubting my decisions - and I am really annoyed with myself for it. She thinks my current relationship moves to fast.

In 2016, my ExH left (affair) and we got divorced. I have worked incredibly hard to get back to a better place, had counselling, kept my own house, hobbies, friends, travel etc. with not much support from my mother, which is fine, but also means she does not know much about this time, how I felt, what I did to help myself. I had no relationship of any sort as I needed time for myself until I met someone at work in 2019. I wasn’t looking for a relationship at this point but was in a good place in life. We became good friends and it developed into a relationship.

I moved in with him on a very short term basis in March 2020 when I had a gap between completing on a house sale and purchase (would have been about 3 weeks) and then lockdown hit. I stayed with him as my house purchase got delayed. We got on really well despite new relationship and a very small one bad flat. When my house finally completed in August 2020 I asked him to move in with me.

We have been really happy since then and he asked me to marry him in June 2022. We also want a child and as I am 39 we don’t want to delay longer.

My mother has gotten in my head now and I wonder whether it’s too fast. I know I want to marry him and have children with him (no children on either side yet).

I would love some perspective from others. I tried to talk it through with my mum but she just kept saying ‘all good, all good’. Maybe I need to consider even lower contact as I don’t think she’s good for me.

Apologies for the rambling message.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOpeningActofSpring · 11/08/2022 07:14

Sorry for typos.

OP posts:
MrPakora · 11/08/2022 07:17

You've known him through work and have practised living together.
Get married ASAP and start TTCing ASAP because you're 39. It's not too soon.

MrPakora · 11/08/2022 07:19

To clarify, get married if he also brings financial assets to the relationship or if you plan on staying home.

Pleasecouldihavesomeadvice · 11/08/2022 07:19

Not too soon at all. You have been together since 2019/2020? That’s definitely not too fast at all

statetrooperstacey · 11/08/2022 07:22

You’ve known him for 3 years and been living together happily for 2 years ? That’s not rushing things ?! Does your mother know what year we are in now?!. Get pregnant, have a baby.
put off marriage for now though if you own your own house. Do that afterwards when you know for sure whether or not he is going to turn into a dick.

ChaToilLeam · 11/08/2022 07:23

No, it’s not too fast. You don’t trust your mother’s judgement on other matters, so why this?

Original poster
TheOpeningActofSpring · 11/08/2022 07:23

Yes properly together since July 2019 so 3 years by now. I’m my heart of hearts I know it’s not too fast (and I felt absolutely fine and at peace with it all before the phone call) but oh my word my mother can get into my head. Maybe that’s more the problem here …

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOpeningActofSpring · 11/08/2022 07:30

statetrooperstacey · 11/08/2022 07:22

You’ve known him for 3 years and been living together happily for 2 years ? That’s not rushing things ?! Does your mother know what year we are in now?!. Get pregnant, have a baby.
put off marriage for now though if you own your own house. Do that afterwards when you know for sure whether or not he is going to turn into a dick.

Yes the plan is to start TTC first and get married at some point. I am financially independent.

OP posts:
GroggyLegs · 11/08/2022 07:34

Not too fast.

Good luck! Exciting years ahead!

Dery · 11/08/2022 08:45

Sounds like very sensible timing to me.

Pinkbonbon · 11/08/2022 09:07

Doesn't seem too fast to me. I'd get the wedding done first before trying for kids though. That way it's more likely he is committed to this relationship. 3 years is fine for a wedding but having kids with anyone is always a risk so just be sure they are committed first.

But I mean, in terms of the relationship, it sounds like it's going well. And you already know you can live together well.

I think I'd cut all contact with your mother if she is toxic. Especially if she is still getting under your skin.

pictish · 11/08/2022 09:14

No you’re fine.
I’m one of those who is generally quite appalled at the speed women will move men in but I’m not getting any of those vibes from your posts. It all sounds very normal and good. Bash on…and best wishes for a happy future.

Watchkeys · 11/08/2022 09:21

Has anybody else said they think you're rushing, or is this literally just your mother?

Musttryharder2021 · 11/08/2022 09:28

There is no definitive timeline when to do what with someone, but make sure he is actually on the same page as you when it comes to TTC. A lot of men say they are but in reality when it's actually about to happen find reasons to delay things further. Men who haven't had children quite have gotten used to being the priority in the relationship and having a child takes that shine away from them, literally.

Also worth exploring is are you both prepared to use assisted reproductive medicine/interventions if it's not happening naturally?

Original poster
TheOpeningActofSpring · 11/08/2022 14:57

Thank you everyone. It is literally just my mother who has voiced this opinion. All other family (mine and his) are happy for us and supportive. My mother doesn’t know much about my life and does not see us our daily life, how we interact etc, if that makes sense. She never asks about him either is it this sense I can understand that for her it seems like I’m rushing ahead with a stranger. His family is much closer, and I have a good relationship with his parents, siblings and nephew (who we look after quite a bit). He is really keen to start trying for a family.

The moving in did happen fairy quickly but it was a byproduct of lockdown, and we did say that we would trial it. He kept his flat for a bit just in case it wouldn’t work.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 11/08/2022 15:07

So why would you deem your mother's opinion to be something you need to concern yourself about? You don't agree with her, nobody else agrees with her. Why does her opinion carry any weight?

GreyCarpet · 11/08/2022 15:23

No, that's not too fast.

As long as you're not overlooking big red flags because the biological clock is ticking loudly in your ear, I don't think it's too soon at all.

Just disregard what she says. If she's anything like my mother (10 years NC and lots of therapy) she's not on your team; she's spiteful and is trying to sabotage you because you're happy.

Musttryharder2021 · 11/08/2022 15:23

Watchkeys · 11/08/2022 15:07

So why would you deem your mother's opinion to be something you need to concern yourself about? You don't agree with her, nobody else agrees with her. Why does her opinion carry any weight?

Because for a lot of people family and in particular parents are an important and integral part of their lives. They want their approval. They want their parents to be part of their lives. Not people you would just discard easily.

xfan · 11/08/2022 15:25

GreyCarpet · 11/08/2022 15:23

No, that's not too fast.

As long as you're not overlooking big red flags because the biological clock is ticking loudly in your ear, I don't think it's too soon at all.

Just disregard what she says. If she's anything like my mother (10 years NC and lots of therapy) she's not on your team; she's spiteful and is trying to sabotage you because you're happy.

Sometimes it's very difficult to see the difference between ticking biological clock and genuinely wanting babies with someone. Either way, even if the relationship broke down, she will have got a child.

@TheOpeningActofSpring
Looking after your nephew is nowhere near the same as having your own children. Nothing like it. So it's not a great gauge.

GreyCarpet · 11/08/2022 15:28

Sometimes it's very difficult to see the difference between ticking biological clock and genuinely wanting babies with someone. Either way, even if the relationship broke down, she will have got a child.

That's very true.

I was think more of obvious thinks like alcohol, womanising, drugs or gaming that could be problematic already.

Original poster
TheOpeningActofSpring · 11/08/2022 15:30

Musttryharder2021 · 11/08/2022 15:23

Because for a lot of people family and in particular parents are an important and integral part of their lives. They want their approval. They want their parents to be part of their lives. Not people you would just discard easily.

Show quote history

Yeah I think deep down it’s about her approval although I should know by now she will always find fault in anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOpeningActofSpring · 11/08/2022 15:38

I get that looking after a nephew is not the same thing than wanting children. That’s not why I said it; it was more show the relationship we have with his family.

No red flags in terms of what a PP mentioned.

OP posts:
welshpolarbear · 11/08/2022 15:39

Op I'm sorry your mother has made you feel this way.

It's certainly not too soon. You've known him for 3 years and loved with him for 2 (I hope I got to at right!) you should know by now whether he's someone you see as a long term partner, that you can trust.

I moved in with my now husband 16 years ago after 3 months. That was probably too fast!!! Worked out ok though.

Galvanisethis · 11/08/2022 15:39

Doesn't sound too soon, as long as he's financially ok and mentally well. Having a child really changes the dynamic. I understand time is of the essence otherwise I'd say have a few more years enjoying yourselves before becoming parents. Having a baby is wonderful but it can change men quite considerably and bring out some really selfish and challenging behaviour. I've had some experience of this so maybe my opinion is skewed.

anthurium · 11/08/2022 15:51

Galvanisethis · 11/08/2022 15:39

Doesn't sound too soon, as long as he's financially ok and mentally well. Having a child really changes the dynamic. I understand time is of the essence otherwise I'd say have a few more years enjoying yourselves before becoming parents. Having a baby is wonderful but it can change men quite considerably and bring out some really selfish and challenging behaviour. I've had some experience of this so maybe my opinion is skewed.

I've luckily dodged the bullet as am solo parent by choice but have observed a few strong couples where the men also underwent a complete change in behaviour, and the relationship breaking down. I suppose the men realising that they are really not the priority. The baby is and will be for the foreseeable future. Am y men don't cope well. The problem is you never know how the other partner will react once the baby is on the scene. I guess at this stage you're not there yet but it is something to be aware of. Your yearning may not be the same as his, your fertilility is time sensitive and his isn't so that itself creates an imbalance.