Is this ‘moving too fast’?

[TheOpeningActofSpring]

This might be long.

In the last few years I have worked hard to free myself from the influence of my mother who is critical, selfish, and manages her relationships without considering others on her terms. She does not show interest in others’ lives. She’s fallen out with a lot of family. We are in contact by phone and visit a few times a year but it’s always hard work. She lives in a different country which helps.

After a comment from her in a recent phone conversation I am doubting my decisions - and I am really annoyed with myself for it. She thinks my current relationship moves to fast.

In 2016, my ExH left (affair) and we got divorced. I have worked incredibly hard to get back to a better place, had counselling, kept my own house, hobbies, friends, travel etc. with not much support from my mother, which is fine, but also means she does not know much about this time, how I felt, what I did to help myself. I had no relationship of any sort as I needed time for myself until I met someone at work in 2019. I wasn’t looking for a relationship at this point but was in a good place in life. We became good friends and it developed into a relationship.

I moved in with him on a very short term basis in March 2020 when I had a gap between completing on a house sale and purchase (would have been about 3 weeks) and then lockdown hit. I stayed with him as my house purchase got delayed. We got on really well despite new relationship and a very small one bad flat. When my house finally completed in August 2020 I asked him to move in with me.

We have been really happy since then and he asked me to marry him in June 2022. We also want a child and as I am 39 we don’t want to delay longer.

My mother has gotten in my head now and I wonder whether it’s too fast. I know I want to marry him and have children with him (no children on either side yet).

I would love some perspective from others. I tried to talk it through with my mum but she just kept saying ‘all good, all good’. Maybe I need to consider even lower contact as I don’t think she’s good for me.

Apologies for the rambling message.

Sorry I am not sure whether this has come across wrongly (English isn’t my first language) but it seems that some posters think I am pressuring him into all of this. That’s not the case at all! He was first to broach the subject of children and we are fully aware that we have only been together for 3 years which some might see as not long enough (eg my mother). There is obviously the added element of my age which means delaying is probably not a wise move.

I don't think it's too fast. You got to know him at work, became good friends and progressed on to a relationship. Circumstances meant you lived together longer than planned, but it sounds as though that's working out well, and you've been together 2 years, so all good.

My only question would be around the house. You say you've bought it and he's moved in. Is he going to contribute towards the deposit you've paid and towards the mortgage? Once you're married it will be considered a joint asset and he could claim a share of it. Even if things are all rosy right now, you need to be practical and protect your interests.

How old is your mother, OP? You say English isn't your first language so what is the average time of people being together - especially of your mother's age - in your country before marriage?

I am mid 60's - Gawd, can hardly believe it 😂 - and I met DH when I was 21. Never, ever met him previously! We married within 22 months of meeting, (Definitely no living together in our circle in those days 😂) and are blissfully happy still 43 years later.

Around 2 years was the absolute norm in our day. If anyone was engaged longer than 3 years it usually ended with no marriage.

I know this isn't the norm nowadays but from my experience you most certainly aren't rushing anything. You have a lovely wedding and TTC asap.👍 Ignore your mother! Can't believe she genuinely believes you are rushing things.🙄

There is no way to guarantee whether or not a relationship will work out, divorce rates are very high still, so it's good to protect your asset and interests as the pp pointed out. You can only retrospectively say something or someone was a good bet, at the time, it's impossible to predict the outcome.

It may already be too late for a child, you don't know until you try, but it could be challenging or not to conceive and remain pregnant. Fertility is fickle and unpredictable.

Some people are together over 20 years and don't know the real person.

I'd say go for it.