dh's sister called, her dh has left her and the kids because he no longer loves her

[SSSandy2]

I can't get my head around this.

If I could have named a marriage that seemed really solid and stable, I would have said hers. Those two have been together since secondary school (20 years), they have dc (7,9) and have bought a house together. His dp are in and out of their house all the time

They seem to get along great. I wouldn't say they were romantic types (either of them) but she is laid back and a bundle of laughs and he is the quiet sort who laughs at her jokes.

Am I thick? I don't understand leaving someone you get on with and your dc because you don't love your dp anymore. Surely it would need to be more than that?

There's another woman. Sorry to hear about this.

Sounds like a classic reaction to the mid-life crisis. They need conselling. Can anyone in the family talk to her DP about it?

Just because people get on well (or give the outward appearance that they do) doesn't mean to say that all is well.

There could be many things going on, even if there is no other woman.

Sorry to hear your news though. Is it salvageable do you think?

I don't know what on earth to say to her about it , I'm still stunned. Dh came in last night and told me she'd called and we just couldn't get our heads around it. Seems so totally out of character for her dh

still waters maybe?

He became self-employed about 6 months ago and since he does project work setting things up in companies, he's had to stay out of town during the week to work and been coming back at the weekends. I think it must have all come about because of that

First thing I thought was there might be another woman in this town he's staying in but he is no casanova. Maybe it is a type of mid-life crisis, maybe being on his own at a hotel made him feel younger and coming back to the family at the weekends seemed stressful and staid?

I suppose so Bec, you never know what really goes on in a marraige. I really hope it is salvagable. We don't know that much as yet but dh is flying out tonight so I'll wait and see what he has to say. He's a bit useless at getting the facts.

All we know is he called her up from his hotel out of town, said he has left her because he no longer loves her. She has no idea what has happened.

We saw them at their ds' first communion about 6 months or so back and they were the same as usual. Her cracking everyone up and generally being good-natured and him rolling about in giggles listening to her.

Oh well, not willing to take over just thread but thought that telling you about our situation would help to understand your relatives.

DexH and I get along very well, and everybody has been quick to point out that they thought of us as the "ideal" couple, and the last one on Earth who could separate. We are kind to each other and part of the respect is still there. We have never been violent or rude to each other, very diplonatic and yada yada which of course, was calling by a disolution of the marriage in the same style.

The love was gone, and living with someone you no longer love as a couple (because we love each other very much but as friends) was making us soooo miserable that we realised that it was best to leave it while we could still be friends than wait until we couldn't even talk to each other.

He is happier now, and I'm happier too, even DS seems happier. But I'm finding it a bit overbearing to deal with the people around us that do not understand our unusual behaviour. Sometimes I feel even "pressurised" to feel miserable by people who can't understand our decision.

Some people would stay because is more comfortable to stay put, some others have the will to jump out. Whether to stay or leave is a decission that requires lots of courage. We decided to leave it, and so far it has been the best for all of us.

BTW DexH travels a lot too, I'm convinced there was no somebody else, but his time away certainly didn't help to improve things. You need regularity to save a relationship and if somebody is not there all the time... so much that could have been said gets lost between one visit and another one.

MMS Thanks. It's interesting to hear about your own experiences.

I suppose I don't really understand how living with someone you like and care about and have kids with can make you miserable because you don't love them romantically anymore IYSWIM as opposed to loving them as a friend. Maybe I'm a bit odd though. My relationships have always been more chummy than romantic tbh

Perhaps you're right and that is how he feels. If so, I hope it's a mutual feeling. I suppose it was in your case and so you were able to part on good terms.

It is not exaclty about the romanticism... it is just this feeling of having to pretend that everything is OK when in reality you hardly speak to each other. You feel a burden on your chest as if you were forced to go against your true self.

Did you ever date someone as a teenager who you really didn't feel like being with. Or had a too interested admiror that you don't know how to get rid off? It feels slightly similar, no matter how much you try you just don't click. And eventually it wears you down to a point you can't cope anymore, or just get sour inside.

Don't be judgemental, you don't know what has been going on between them.

BTW I find the sentence " I don't really understand how living with someone you like and care about and have kids with can make you miserable" a bit harsh, he was the man of my life when we we decided to conceive DS but unfortunately, life changes, he changed and I did to. We are no longer compatible. Actually, I like him better now as a friend.

ah sorry, no I didn't mean to be harsh at all. I am just puzzled trying to understand it (the dh in our case really).

I'm starting to understand what you mean now though. Thanks for perservering with me and please don't feel attacked

No problem

BTW, one of the advantages of a separtation is that it allows you to apreciate with a cool head where things have gone wrong, where they were really bad and about things that were not important but you thought at some point they were.

Who knows? it may be the case that this distance alone brings them closer?

You know, it probably is another woman. There are exceptions but men in pleasant enough marriages don't walk out on wives and children to find themselves. Unless he's having a nervous breakdown and even in that case there's probably another woman involved.

well dh should be there now and I hope he manages to find out what is going on, so far as his sister knows what is going on that is. I will call her tomorrow when the dc are at school but I don't know what to say to her, I really don't.

Hope she'll be ok but I'm quite worried about her, not to mention the kids.

She has a thing about being in the house alone at night (alone with the dc). She gets very scared and I know she's had trouble sleeping while he's been out of town.

I don't know how good is the communication between you and your sister in law, but as a suggestion to what to tell...

Just show that you will be there, I take from what you have said that she doesn't live near to you, but even with distance in the middle you can really be there for her. If she feels the worst time is at night, offer to call her at that time. At this time, I would say that the most important thing is for her to realise that although her husband has left she is NOT alone at all.

My best friend and I "meet" for a coffee once every 2 weeks, which means we set some time away from distractions were we can both have a coffee and a conversation on the phone as she lives in the US. But it works as well as being there! Perhaps you can do something like this?

I wouldn't bring in questions about the possibility of an affair, it would be already on her mind and if you mention it you may be making it more real, and therefore more painful to her, which is unecessary at this time as you don't know for sure if that is the case.

Best of luck.

This happened to me a couple of months ago. Out of the blue.

Yes, there was someone else involved but ultimately husband was literally just going along with events and not involved with feelings for her. He'd lost feelings/emotions full stop, if that makes sense. Started a sequence of events that he was being pushed along with (by other person). And felt that he couldn't stop them because he had nowhere else to now go.

Ultimately, it has boiled down to him not handling our younger child's disabilities (something he had always said he couldn't cope with, even before DS2 was born). And consequently, despite us looking like a strong couple, coping under difficult conditions, what was actually happening was that we were "polarised" and I was immersed with home/children, with no input from husband, and he was immersed in his working life (and diy at the weekends!).

It actually took him over 3 years after the diagnosis to reach his "crisis" point, where he was ready to face up to things, by which time he'd been uninvolved for so long, it was extremely hard - he felt impossible - to become involved.

And by this time we were dealing with our separate "responsibilities" - I thought working long-term as a team, he thought alone.

Add stress into the equation for good measure. He hit a crisis point.

Was adamant that he had fallen out of love with me. After 5/6 weeks, he suddenly clicked just what he wanted, and how totally disgusted he was by his (totally uncharacteristic) behaviour.

He's now going about changing things at home, spending time with DC's, helping more, and being totally supportive of me. It's like a huge wake-up call but one that, I think will help us.

He's also having counselling.

Sorry to waffle, but I just wanted to post because, like your dh's sister, I didn't know anyone else was involved at first, and was in a spin trying to make sense/improve things.

Even if someone else is involved, it doesn't necessarily mean worst possible outcome. Think I just want to let you know that he could have hit some kind of crisis in his head, and actually be in a place right now that he doesn't want to be.

Agree that your best course of action is to be there (phone/visits etc) and ready to listen and help with any practicalities. She will be speculating (probably wildly). Don't join in!

I hope that it all works out for them, whatever the cause and outcome is.

Sounds like you've been through a hard hard time bringing up your dc without much involvement from dh, then everything else on top of that. So glad things have turned around now. Good luck with everything and thanks for talking about it.

I hope this turns out to be a wake-up call for them too and something they can work around but as you've both said, I'll try to just be there for her.

MMS, I think those are very good ideas, calling at night and at set times. Yes I can do that. Feel a bit clearer on how to approach it now - thanks everyone!

The other thing I meant to say (god, I do go on....) is that looking back, the thing that helped us both reach a positive "rebuilding" point, was in dealing with the initial shock, I resolved to stay calm and not do a knee-jerk reaction to ANYTHING that my husband said or did.

I stayed as calm as I could, (and flipped out when I had the house to myself during the day!) and consistantly said that I wanted to work things out, and could see how communication breakdown had arisen. Tried really hard not to beg, but just calmly asked him to think carefully about what he wanted, and that many things can be worked on and resolved. Please let's talk.

It was only 3 weeks later that I found out about another woman, then I told him I no longer loved him. But, didn't tell him why, or what I'd found.

We were talking about this today, and I think that if I'd instantly responded with "I don't love you", things would have been much messier. It's almost as if he needed time away, (which he didn't enjoy!), and then a wake-up call. If I'd responded negatively too fast, he wouldn't have worked things through in his head and realised what he was doing.

God, I hope that makes sense.

I also hope that most is irrelevant for this situation - because it does hurt! But if she can stay calm, positive and supportive (even if only on the outside) it'll put her in a stronger position.

Good luck.

You don't go on at all, you're a great help actually and that's good advice

Totally agree with namechange. The thing I found myself repeating like a mantra was "just shut up until youn have calmed down". Made a world of difference.

Everytime a conversation was annoying madly I asked to continue the conversation later, which he obviously agreed to as continuing it would have made things far worse.

When DH broke the news (after 3 years of me talking about divorce, the irony of life!) I told him that one thing he needed to keep clear in his mind was that when one is angry or frustrated, many bad things are said which are not really felt or true.

I also told him that I would respect his space as he said that he didn't want to try it anymore, but asked him come back if he changed his mind, specifying that maybe I would not be there, but that it would be very sad if we both were in a situation were we both wanted to come back but wouldn't thinking that the other one didn't want to.

So, in a nutshell, let them go but leave a wondow open just in case. Even if the marriage can not be saved, at least it would make contact with children much easier.

i split from my long term partner last year after 14 years together because i wasn't in love with him anymore. Everyone has been shocked as we seemed like the perfect couple, and while we did get on well there were issues that couldn't be resolved. A big part of the problem for me was that not being 'in love' with him anymore made having a sexual relationship unbearable, and it was when i reached that point that i knew i had to leave. It was becoming a sticking point for both of us and ultimately seperating and being free to find love and happiness with someone else was the best thing to do for both of us.
It may be the case that they can work through this with counselling, and i do hope so.

i ended my marriage last year, even though we got on well and have 2 dc. Our sex life had dried up, i was bored out of my brain and we both felt taken for granted. I thought the grass was greener.

Biggest mistake of my life.

why biggest mistake allgonebellyup?

dh is in the middle of divorcing me i did a huge mistake by not giving him his space and constantly hassling him by ringing ringing him and we argued like mad, only recently have i sort of let go, things are sort of up in the air in that he's stayed we've slept together, but i'm not just trying to get on with things and maybe just maybe he will realise what he is losing, we are doing counselling and the counsellor is very good. Hope things work out

Sorry I haven't been back before, I've been sick for a couple of days.

Sorry to hear that allgone, are you so sure it is final? I wonder if he knows how you feel and that you have such strong regrets. Difficult thing to say I'd imagine. Hope things go well for you.

Hope the counselling helps TLV. That feeling of living in limbo and not knowing if something is over or not is so frustating. We none of us seem to realise how our behaviour sometimes really damages our relationships. I know I am an awful NAG but it is hard to stop.

Well, I called her and listened. It seems sex was a major issue for her dh. Their sex life had fizzled out and he had been hurt when he'd approached her and been refused. This seems a major factor for him. She wasn't bothered with the lack of sex life.

He is looking for a place of his own near her and the kids and is trying to be generous but it is not going well. At least not yet. She is desperately hurt that he will not consider counselling at all and never confided in her until it reached the point of no return for him. She feels she was given no chance to try and sort things out.

The dc are taking it very badly so far

Sorry to ask, but do you think there is someone else? It all seems a bit odd for him to just walk away without even trying.