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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What made you leave? Your final straw?

64 replies

Lifeisarollercoaster647382 · 10/08/2022 17:46

We all have our reasons for separation, what's yours? What was your final straw, what made you make that decision?

Mine was that my exh could not / can't priorise his children's needs before his own. Didn't take responsibility / discuss anything ever! The separation is all my fault, I have destroyed my children's lives etc etc blah blah....

OP posts:
Signoramarella · 13/08/2022 17:33

He attacked our 6 year old son on Xmas day in front of family. He stole from my parents and friends wallets. Drunk He almost burnt the house down with kids inside when I was out. I got a way out and left after 4 years of this shit.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/08/2022 17:44

Fucked someone else in spare room bed leaving me to find the spunk stains and hair when I had to change the bed for his mother to come and stay

amillionrosepetals · 13/08/2022 17:55

Very very severe domestic abuse.. The final straw was a punch in the face in front of our daughter. Got my affairs in order as much as I could and left with my daughter and never looked back.
@Pebbledashery I think I remember your thread about your awful boss. How are you these days? (Sorry to derail your thread OP).

Hillsidehigh · 13/08/2022 17:56

Having an affair and the ow’s profile pic was the two of them together

Pebbledashery · 13/08/2022 18:05

amillionrosepetals · 13/08/2022 17:55

Very very severe domestic abuse.. The final straw was a punch in the face in front of our daughter. Got my affairs in order as much as I could and left with my daughter and never looked back.
@Pebbledashery I think I remember your thread about your awful boss. How are you these days? (Sorry to derail your thread OP).

Yes. I went from an abusive relationship to working with a narcissist female boss. Awful. I left it all. Doing much better.. Moved on and now dating someone new who is wonderful and little girl is flourishing 😊

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 13/08/2022 18:23

I lost our baby and I asked him to come into the treatment room while they gave me methotrexate to resolve my ectopic pregnancy. His response - “FFS you’re not a child who needs their fucking hand held.”

We had been together my whole adult life and I was terrified I would never meet anyone else. That day in the hospital I decided I’d rather die alone than be with someone who could behave like that towards me at the worst moment of my life.

I met my now DH within a year. Couldn’t be happier.

Ladyof2022 · 13/08/2022 18:34

He was the love of my life and I was head over heels in love with him, even after 8 years I never lost that passionate excitement for him.

Then one day during a phone conversation I could hear there was someone with him, and asked him brezily who it was, expecting it to be his brother or a neighbour, someone innocent.

He said it was a woman, and that he'd been having secret sexual encounters with her for four months. I went into freefall, it was the most horrible moment, I felt sick, shakey, faint, bewildered, and starting blurting out questions about where, when, who, that sort of thing. He answered me honestly and without a smidgin of apology. In fact he sounded cold and self-entitled.

And then, whilst I was still obviously in shock, sobbing in disbelief that this man I'd adored for years could be so cruel, he said, still on the phone, that there was no reason for this affair to affect our relationship at all. After all, he'd been conducting it for four months and it had not changed anything between him and me. Now it was better that things were out in the open, he didn't have to sneak about any more, he could honestly let me know when he was going to be seeing her and no longer had to worry about me finding out.

My jaw hit the floor (metaphorically, of course). My brain could barely process what he was asking of me. I told him to fuck off and slammed down the phone, sobbed my guts out, and then became utterly furious with rage that he actually thought our relationship was going to continue, with him having sex with her and with me alternately. The thought of that also made me feel physically sick. Plus the knowledge that he'd already been doing exactly that for four months! As we were long term partners and I was post menopause, we never used any condoms, either. The thought of it all still turns my stomach.

Reader, I dumped him and have never set eyes on him ever again. I engaged friends to sort out who owned what so that I never had to actually meet him in person. At the time I thought it would kill me to see him in the flesh.

Nobody has ever hurt me as much as that, in my whole life.

I spent a long time wishing he would drop dead. Literally.

If I ever bump into him I don't know how I would react. I'd probably totally lose my rag, scream abuse at him and show him up in public. He would absolutely hate that.

Beancounter1 · 13/08/2022 19:08

Things had been getting worse for a while; rows and arguments progressed into physical violence starting. But, looking back, I see that I felt at least we were in that mess together - crazy I know.
Then he went out one evening with a friend, leaving me with the toddler. I knew I couldn't therefore go out that evening, so was stuck at home while he had his freedom.
It was like a light switch flicked in my head in a split second. I saw that he wasn't "in it with me", and I so would leave him.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 13/08/2022 19:19

Similar to Beancounter I realised we would never be a team.

Pegs11 · 13/08/2022 19:28

@crispsndip Yep, narcissists.

Wish I’d known about narcissism / NPD years ago… would probably have saved myself a lot of grief.

I’d always thought narcissists were just people who put loads of selfies on social media 😅

Turns out it’s a whole thing. And sums up my DH perfectly.

crispsndip · 13/08/2022 19:44

@Pegs11 Yes I wish I'd known too, it's such a thing. A horrid thing.

Knittingnanny2 · 13/08/2022 19:51

( back in the early 80’s) when I had 20 p in my purse and no access to money, 2 under 3’s and NotDH was out again at his exclusive posh expensive sports club.
Obviously much more to it than just that……

stabbypokey · 13/08/2022 20:31

I had moved in, he was moody. I cooked a Sunday roast for us and two of his friends that I liked. He said something that was belittling and so unnecessary that I excused myself and went upstairs to gather myself. I came downstairs and his mate asked me if I was ok. It was then I realised everyone realised he was an asshole. And they had seen this scenario play out with previous girlfriends.

strawberry2017 · 14/08/2022 17:07

Mine has literally just happened.
He started telling our 4 year old I was calling her a liar.
I feel like throwing up right now.
It's been a long time coming.

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