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Original poster

Bold and flirtatious, or just a bit of a dickhead?

47 replies

Leotarmac · 10/08/2022 17:18

Been dating someone for a few months and we get on well, but we seem to have found ourselves in an exhausting cycle of verbal sparring and witty repartee that usually sits within the realms of being flirtatious but can be quite cutting and hurtful.

He seems reasonably smart and verbally agile, and also seems to pride himself on being observant and able to make an on-the-spot assessment of something.
So for example I might be telling a story about something that happened to me and he'll interject with something like "I think that YOU think when you mention X it makes you sound clever/sophisticated/intuitive but actually it makes you sound Y". I will then laugh and counter back with something to take him down a peg or two. Or I might make a statement about something interesting that I've read and he'll give me a tongue in cheek "I didn't know you could read" etc etc.

It's always quite a personal remark and I feel like he's basically trying to make the point that he sees through me or understands me in some way that other, less observant people, don't.

It's done in such a way that he's never quite insulting me and in all fairness when I tease him back he takes it well. He seems very keen on me and can be sweet, thoughtful, respectful etc so part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt...I just know that one day soon there will come a day when I'm in a bad mood or feeling a bit vulnerable and prone to snap back.

I will probably talk to him about it at some point if we keep dating but does anyone know what I mean or have any experiences they can share?

OP posts:
Sux2buthen · 10/08/2022 17:20

Yeah I get what you mean. Banter is great if it doesn't override the romance part and take over. You want a partner not a cheeky mate you shag sometimes.
I'd just talk to him, talking is the only way to sort anything out

Darkness22 · 10/08/2022 17:23

I didn't know you could read

God, its just so boring and draining. It's not funny or witty. Is it because he can't actually converse about what you've read? Is he a bit of a thicko really?

I just could not be bothered. It would get old pretty quickly. Can you have intellectual chats or is it all shit remarks?

He might be good for a shag, but not long term.

MakeadealwithGod · 10/08/2022 17:25

That’s exhausting to keep up. I couldn’t be in a relationship like that.

Marineboy67 · 10/08/2022 17:31

Fuck that shit...life's hard enough as it is without constant petty battles and getting one upmanship! How utterly boring..

gwenneh · 10/08/2022 17:32

Bold and flirtatious, or just a bit of a dickhead?

Dickhead.

You say he's never quite insulting you, but the examples you provided are actually insulting you. This isn't "verbal sparring and witty repartee" - too light on the wit, for a start - it's outright insulting you and expecting you to run along with it. it's not some "I understand you deeply!" bollocks, it's a tactic to gradually degrade your self-esteem and sense of self worth, because if you don't have either of those, then you don't have options.

Calling that kind of juvenile behaviour "romantic" is ridiculous and frankly if this is how he acts when he's keen on you, just imagine what happens when the shine wears off?

Snoredoeurve · 10/08/2022 17:33

Its negging Op.
Hes actually being really nasty but you sparr back so he gets away with it
Tell him to get to fuck instead

wheresmyshoe · 10/08/2022 17:35

Dickhead behaviour for sure, he's negging you, life is way too short for that crap. Call him out on it.

Crazykatie · 10/08/2022 17:40

He is used to this kind of banter with his mates, not insulting but a put down.
He really needs to get more serious and drop the put downs, long term I don’t think I would like that kind of relationship.
I’m not his mate I’m his partner, it’s disrespectful.

layladomino · 10/08/2022 17:43

He doesn't come across as that clever in your OP. He comes across as thinking he's clever and / or funny, and wanting to pull you down a peg or two. If it's meant in humour then he isn't very funny.

ChaToilLeam · 10/08/2022 17:43

I could not be bothered with the constant negging and needling. If he’s so observant, why doesn’t he notice that you’re getting fed up?

Michellebops · 10/08/2022 17:47

He sounds like a dickhead who is obviously not interested in your stories.

Don't respond next time and see what he says next.

EmmaH2022 · 10/08/2022 17:57

Marineboy67 · 10/08/2022 17:31

Fuck that shit...life's hard enough as it is without constant petty battles and getting one upmanship! How utterly boring..

This
I know some people find this entertaining but I hate it. Sounds like it's not your bag either.

but..I'm afraid I think it's bad sign, he's negging.

WotsitsFingers · 10/08/2022 18:08

Some men and women flirt like that they call it banter. Since you don't like it speak to him about it and see if he changes or accept he won't change and either stay or end it with him.

You don't have to be right or wrong sometimes it's a case of mismatched communication style or a personality clash. Someone else might like the way he challenges and teases.

Bigchezemakeme · 10/08/2022 18:10

I have met too many men like this. They basically just think they’re incredibly clever and witty and superior. They’re not.

MsIreneWinters · 10/08/2022 18:16

I work with two people who do this all day long. It is astonishingly cringey and painful to listen to, so I imagine taking part in it must be incredibly tedious.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/08/2022 18:17

.I just know that one day soon there will come a day when I'm in a bad mood or feeling a bit vulnerable and prone to snap back.

Why does this worry you?
He level of 'repartee' makes him sound about 13 years old.
If you are uncomfortable with it, talk to him & ask him to dial it down.
If he then continues to do it, just snap back - he'll have earned it.

You'll have your own reasons for liking him, but I'd find this constant nitpicking & need to 'jokily' keep interrupting you to establish the upper hand insufferable.
But I'm not you! - just please be wary of supressing your feelings to accommodate his need to control the tone & subject of conversation.

You are already concerned about how he makes you want to react, & are worrying about snapping back. Why should you not snap? If you get to the point that you are changing your behaviours for him - ie suppressing your instinct to snap at him to STFU or whatever - you are on a rocky road which is likely to end up with you being the appeaser of the relationship, & the constant butt of his jokes, while he keeps carping on at you in order to maintain his dominance.

abadgutfeeling · 10/08/2022 18:19

To be honest it could be either at this stage. If you respond with similar remarks albeit less cutting he may not be aware of how hurtful he is being. You need to tell him right away that actually you don't really like this kind of banter and some of the things he says have been quite hurtful. You could apologise for leading him on with it to some degree/not telling him sooner that you don't like it. Then see how he responds and acts subsequently. You really must communicate with him about this immediately

CatherinedeBourgh · 10/08/2022 18:22

Some people like it, some people don't.

If you don't, then you can either tell him, and he changes, or the relationship is a non starter.

Snoredoeurve · 10/08/2022 18:26

I think we need to know what" Y" is
It makes you look well educated vs it makes you look stupid.
I think I know the answer already but could you clarifiy please @Leotarmac

Its also a massive red flag that he thinks he knows or observes you in a way that others dont.
You are reacting to his abuse already and are worried about further reactions.
That tells you all you need to know

Forcefield · 10/08/2022 18:30

Is it possible he's less intelligent than you... and knows it?

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 10/08/2022 18:32

ChaToilLeam · 10/08/2022 17:43

I could not be bothered with the constant negging and needling. If he’s so observant, why doesn’t he notice that you’re getting fed up?

Exactly!

Inthesameboatatmo · 10/08/2022 20:07

I don't see this as just banter from him op. I see it as he's testing you to see how much you will put with. He's borderline abusive with this and it's not funny. I suspect he will get worse the more you tolerate .
I'd be thinking about getting rid of him now

Original poster
Leotarmac · 10/08/2022 22:19

😐Well you've sadly all confirmed what I suspected. It's not got potential has it?

It's such a shame. He really can be quite lovely and sweet, but ultimately it doesn't really matter. Even if I talk to him about how I feel and he agrees not to say things like that anymore, the point is I know he'll still be thinking them.

The the PP who said it's constant oneupmanship, that's exactly what it feels like. It's like he doesn't want me to be more knowledgeable on a subject that he is. Come to think of it, whenever I try to talk about something I find interesting that might be new to him, he doesn't engage and always steers the conversation back towards himself or something he's very well-versed in. It's not good is it.

Thing is I've done a lot of work on myself after my last break up and I'm in a good place. I feel self-secure and confident and I'm generally very easygoing. It doesn't bother me that he wants to tease me or have a bit of "banter", what bothers me is the idea that someone who is supposed to like me and champion me is so pre-occupied with wanting to bring me down or find a way to make me feel silly.

Nah.

Maybe it has a bit of life left in it as a casual thing, but this isn't LTR material.

OP posts:
allboysherebutme · 10/08/2022 23:32

He wouldn't be for me, to exhausting. X

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/08/2022 23:36

Christ - he sounds appalling. You’d have to be intent on steamrollering your own self esteem to even entertain this shitshow.