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Original poster

Bold and flirtatious, or just a bit of a dickhead?

47 replies

Leotarmac · 10/08/2022 17:18

Been dating someone for a few months and we get on well, but we seem to have found ourselves in an exhausting cycle of verbal sparring and witty repartee that usually sits within the realms of being flirtatious but can be quite cutting and hurtful.

He seems reasonably smart and verbally agile, and also seems to pride himself on being observant and able to make an on-the-spot assessment of something.
So for example I might be telling a story about something that happened to me and he'll interject with something like "I think that YOU think when you mention X it makes you sound clever/sophisticated/intuitive but actually it makes you sound Y". I will then laugh and counter back with something to take him down a peg or two. Or I might make a statement about something interesting that I've read and he'll give me a tongue in cheek "I didn't know you could read" etc etc.

It's always quite a personal remark and I feel like he's basically trying to make the point that he sees through me or understands me in some way that other, less observant people, don't.

It's done in such a way that he's never quite insulting me and in all fairness when I tease him back he takes it well. He seems very keen on me and can be sweet, thoughtful, respectful etc so part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt...I just know that one day soon there will come a day when I'm in a bad mood or feeling a bit vulnerable and prone to snap back.

I will probably talk to him about it at some point if we keep dating but does anyone know what I mean or have any experiences they can share?

OP posts:
Grimchmas · 10/08/2022 23:48

You've figured it out. He's negging you, possibly because he's been watching "Pick up artists" on you tube, and likely because he is constantly looking for ways to feel he is superior to you. People show you who they really are and he's red-flag-tastic.

This one's no catch, throw him back in.

ItsMutinyontheBunty · 11/08/2022 00:12

It’s in your first sentence…this is exhausting! Good relationships build you up, energise you. This man focuses on bringing you down.

AtrociousCircumstance · 11/08/2022 00:23

And just as bad for a casual thing. Same exhausting succession of micro power plays and toxic undermining.

hotfroth · 11/08/2022 00:27

He's a proper smart alec isn't he? I couldn't be doing with all that nonsense.

Dickhead.

jayhoo · 11/08/2022 01:23

I've been in similar 'relationships'. I'd advise a sharp put down when he does this 'ooh , am I making you feel vulnerable?' Are you challenged by my intellect?' His response will tell you all you need to know.

A reasonable person engaging in banter or repartee would acknowledge you've played a winning hand. A dick will tell you you're beneath them hence their challenge

GreyCarpet · 11/08/2022 04:57

My 23 year old son is single and is sick of encountering this in dating. His attitude is, if he's going to date someone, he wants them to behave like they actually like each other.

He doesn't want a relationship to be a series of competitive microaggressions he's constantly got to be on high alert to.

I wouldn't put up with it and it is dull and tedious to listen to in others.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 11/08/2022 05:18

Snoredoeurve · 10/08/2022 17:33

Its negging Op.
Hes actually being really nasty but you sparr back so he gets away with it
Tell him to get to fuck instead

This. With knobs on.

ClaryFairchild · 11/08/2022 05:23

Ask him if he's actually capable of having a conversation without turning it into banter. He sounds either very immature (being kind) or downright nasty (probably closer to the truth).

W00p · 11/08/2022 06:07

He sounds dull as hell, how exhausting.

EmmaH2022 · 11/08/2022 08:33

GreyCarpet · 11/08/2022 04:57

My 23 year old son is single and is sick of encountering this in dating. His attitude is, if he's going to date someone, he wants them to behave like they actually like each other.

He doesn't want a relationship to be a series of competitive microaggressions he's constantly got to be on high alert to.

I wouldn't put up with it and it is dull and tedious to listen to in others.

I almost posted about this. I hear about this a lot in dating. I don't date myself but volunteer with a a varied age group, many of whom are dating and seem to think this is normal.

is it the zeitgeist? It sounds mad. Dating is a pain even without all this. It sounds like being at work with someone who is competing with you for promotion.

KettrickenSmiled · 11/08/2022 11:04

AtrociousCircumstance · 11/08/2022 00:23

And just as bad for a casual thing. Same exhausting succession of micro power plays and toxic undermining.

Seconded.

OP - do not trip yourself up with this -
Maybe it has a bit of life left in it as a casual thing, but this isn't LTR material.

Resisting abusive tactics at this stage isn't about steeling yourself to handle them because you are strong/intelligent/resilient.
It's about recognising that you are at the stage of "slippery slope" & are lucky enough to have had the realisation in time.
Instead of giving it "just a few more weeks/months" then realising months & years have gone past, but you can no longer recognise the savvy, self-determining woman you once were.

He's not good enough for a LTR & he's not good enough for a casual fling.

I suspect you are looking to just focus on the positive sides of him because you feel you can deal with the negative, short term.
Don't.
If I made you your favourite sandwich, but added 1% dogshit, would you eat round the dogshit & thank me for making you a 99% lovely sandwich? Would you fuck! You'd leave it on the plate, & remove yourself from my insane company.

Leave this one on the plate OP. Today.
There is nothing good here for you to stay for. You have already seen this for yourself, so don't make excuses for him & don't allow this to play out for any longer -
He really can be quite lovely and sweet, but ultimately it doesn't really matter. Even if I talk to him about how I feel and he agrees not to say things like that anymore, the point is I know he'll still be thinking them.

See? You know a 1% dogshit sandwich when you see one.

Columbofan · 11/08/2022 13:03

Ahhh I do this a lot and fall into the same trap, I don’t know why. It’s like I enjoy the banter and I pick something clearly not true (like the reading thing) just to have a bit of banter but a lot of relationships end with it becoming the main way we talk and it’s more difficult to be affectionate. I think some of it stems from low self esteem and not being able to take or believe compliments and therefor substituting it with playful stuff like this.

It doesn’t sound like negging to me , that’s trying to lower someone else’s self esteem to throw them off a bit. The fact he not only expects you to counter back but takes it well is evidence of this. He probably even feels the fact you banter back and play is part of why he likes you.

However reading your second post puts it in a different context. Do you truly feel that he needs to one up you all the time, or does it come across that way because you don’t like the so called banter? I think take a close look at whether he is dismissive of you and/or truly needs to put you down, or if it’s a ‘flirty’ thing he doesn’t really mean anything by and would be open to changing. If it’s the latter you might even be doing him a favour by telling him.

EmmaH2022 · 11/08/2022 13:38

Columbo are you a woman?

I must admit, it took me a while to understand that some people actually like this.

but in OP case, it does sound damaging and like negging. No element of fun at all. Agree with pp saying dump now.

I don't think it's what he really thinks, but that isn't the point. He gets off on making people feel small - especially a girlfriend.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 11/08/2022 15:38

Yup, he is a negging dickhead.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 11/08/2022 15:51

I wish you'd put a vote on this. I think most people would agree this is dickhead behaviour. It will only get worse. Leave now.

Teddeh · 11/08/2022 15:55

It's off to me. If it were mean-spirited but witty, hilarious and original then I'd say it's a matter of different tastes. But the "you think you sound x, but you really sound y" feels like he thinks he knows you better than you know yourself, which is annoying regardless and particularly ridiculous in such a short relationship. If it's important to make his point, he could just say "you come across as y when you say that".

Obviously you can read and he knows it and you know he knows so unless it's some kind of failed in joke you're not getting (e.g., making fun of another annoying person you both know) I'd suspect "didn't know you could read" is said to distract you, to throw you off balance. As a habit (rather than a very occasional misfire/bad joke) that would make me naturally think either "toddler" or "contrarian adolescent", neither of which is sexy.

EmmaH2022 · 11/08/2022 16:46

Teddeh "If it were mean-spirited but witty, hilarious and original then I'd say it's a matter of different tastes"

but why would anyone want to be mean spirited to someone they are dating? Surely only if they are trying to neg and abuse them.

ladygindiva · 11/08/2022 16:47

gwenneh · 10/08/2022 17:32

Bold and flirtatious, or just a bit of a dickhead?

Dickhead.

You say he's never quite insulting you, but the examples you provided are actually insulting you. This isn't "verbal sparring and witty repartee" - too light on the wit, for a start - it's outright insulting you and expecting you to run along with it. it's not some "I understand you deeply!" bollocks, it's a tactic to gradually degrade your self-esteem and sense of self worth, because if you don't have either of those, then you don't have options.

Calling that kind of juvenile behaviour "romantic" is ridiculous and frankly if this is how he acts when he's keen on you, just imagine what happens when the shine wears off?

This with bells on. Sorry but he sounds like a c**t, I couldn't be arsed with it. I'd say it's red flag behaviour.

DarkFruitz · 11/08/2022 16:48

Dickhead.

Palmfrond · 11/08/2022 20:36

Sounds initially like a dickhead who might be playing a number of stupid games consciously or unconsciously.

But, depending on his age and the level of your intimacy, this might be more forgivable immaturity, and/or he could be a bit frustrated because he’s feeling he’s not getting what he needs back from you, ie not reaching the next level of emotional intimacy, and is being provocative because he doesn’t know another way of illiciting an emotional response.

EmmaH2022 · 11/08/2022 23:01

Palmfrond · 11/08/2022 20:36

Sounds initially like a dickhead who might be playing a number of stupid games consciously or unconsciously.

But, depending on his age and the level of your intimacy, this might be more forgivable immaturity, and/or he could be a bit frustrated because he’s feeling he’s not getting what he needs back from you, ie not reaching the next level of emotional intimacy, and is being provocative because he doesn’t know another way of illiciting an emotional response.

So he could be emotionally incompetent
i doubt it, but who wants to date that guy anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

Annoyedwithmyself · 12/08/2022 10:20

Sounds utterly tedious.

Occasional warm hearted and witty piss taking is one thing, but belittling you ('you think X but you sound Y') is actually diminishing you and establishing him as the great insightful one at your expense. Fuck that.

For me, humour is essential for a relationship but this isn't it. Maybe some people find it hysterical but it isn't clever or incisive, it's just putting you down. Anyone can say 'you're shit'. Do you want a lifetime of this brittle competitive nonsense?

I wouldn't bother letting it piddle along as a casual setup either if you've had to work on your self esteem etc. He will probably get nastier as you pull away.

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