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Original poster

Is he just not that into me?

33 replies

DaisyDooxox · 10/08/2022 16:25

I’m 26, he’s 28. We’ve been dating for 5 months and he asked me to be his girlfriend.

My last relationship was 8 years long and we lived together for three years. He hasn’t had a serious relationship.

I feel like everything seems to be on his terms and I hang on his every word. He gave me lots of reassurance at first that he was in love, he was lucky to have me etc etc etc, but recently I can feel the tables turning where I feel more needy of him.

We often see eachother on weekends and Wednesday evenings. This week has been different which has triggered me.

On Sunday we saw my parents, on Monday his Dad came down and we went for some dinner. We also have planned on Friday going to travel to see his Dad for his Dad’s birthday. I called him yesterday and asked when we were next seeing eachother.

I was met with hesitation on the phone and he said ‘well I can see you tomorrow but it depends when I finish work’. This hesitation made me feel frustrated as we always see eachother on Wednesdays anyway, so I don’t understand how work came into the equation. So I just said let’s leave it until Friday.

He just called me at 4pm telling me he had finished work. I made a comment saying ‘it will be strange not seeing you tonight as it’s a Wednesday’ to which he responded ‘I know, you’ll miss me won’t you’. He then said he had to go food shopping. After that he asked me ‘what’s wrong?’ I said nothing was wrong. He then ends the conversation telling me he ‘likes me’ which is the jokey way in which we tell eachother we’re fond of eachother.

I guess I just hoped he would want to see me tonight. He has his own place and it’s me who drives over to him, so it’s hardly an inconvenience for him. I hoped he would want to see me, especially as we haven’t had any alone time in a while.

Part of me doesn’t want to message him lots tonight as he clearly doesn’t want me to come over. Part of me feels like I need to be colder with him in order for him to want me more.

I just don’t understand

OP posts:
Fladdermus · 10/08/2022 16:31

Maybe he's confused. You told him 'let's leave it until Friday' and now you're unhappy that's what's happening.

Original poster
DaisyDooxox · 10/08/2022 16:34

I only said that as I didn’t want to be hanging by a thread for him to say whether or whether or not we had plans.

I feel like I’ve dropped hints by saying ‘it’ll be strange not seeing you tonight’.

I just feel it’s clear that he doesn’t want to.

OP posts:
Washermother33 · 10/08/2022 16:41

Why do you have to wait for him to decide whether you have plans ? If you want to do something together suggest it .

clickychicky · 10/08/2022 16:42

I feel like everything seems to be on his terms and I hang on his every word. not a good place to be. I'd dump him I don't think he sees you as an equal.

Fladdermus · 10/08/2022 16:43

So you're playing games. Saying one thing, hinting at another and scoring him down when he doesn't respond according to the rules of the game he doesn't know he playing.

YoSofi · 10/08/2022 16:45

Fladdermus · 10/08/2022 16:43

So you're playing games. Saying one thing, hinting at another and scoring him down when he doesn't respond according to the rules of the game he doesn't know he playing.

Exactly this!

If you want to see him tonight just text and ask if you can come over later.

Original poster
DaisyDooxox · 10/08/2022 16:50

I’m not playing games. It’s his place it’s not like I can just invite myself over

OP posts:
DillAte · 10/08/2022 16:52

@DaisyDooxox
Expecting/training men in your life override your expressed wishes will, at best, end up with you experiencing a lot of disappointment in life.

Regularsizedrudy · 10/08/2022 16:55

Stop playing silly games

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 10/08/2022 17:01

Why didn't you just say that you'd see him on Wednesday as usual?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/08/2022 17:28

I also think you confused things by saying 'leave it till Friday'. I would assume that you had other plans - and why shouldn't you? Why are you hanging around waiting for him to tell you what's happening?

I do think though that you're correctly interpreting his lack of direction correctly. In his shoes and it being a new relationship, I wouldn't be committing to the other person, not without being sure.

From what you've said, the imbalance in your relationship is significant and it puts you at a major disadvantage. His perception may be that you don't have a life outside of him... and I would find that really unattractive.

If you think this is worth a bit of investment then absolutely look at yourself as a person worth direct conversation with and stop behaving so aimlessly about a relationship that you say you want. Be a bit more unavailable yourself, whether that means you going out with friends or doing your own thing, just don't be at his beck and call.

At the moment, I think he's neither here nor there with you - and that's from what you've posted... you're reading the inference yourself.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2022 17:37

You're the one playing games, op. You sound like hard work.

Breakingmad · 10/08/2022 17:43

I know where you’re coming from OP. It’s the gut instinct that says he’s pulling away and doesn’t want to see you tonight. It’s intentional. You’re confused because he’s trying to confuse you. I have no doubt that within the month he will have finished with you, then within the next month be asking you to come back. He’ll hope you’re so grateful to have him back that you’ll do anything. He’ll chip away at your confidence bit by bit. Take control now and finish it. It’s not worth the mental toll of not knowing where you stand.

Breakingmad · 10/08/2022 17:44

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 10/08/2022 17:01

Why didn't you just say that you'd see him on Wednesday as usual?

Because she knows that he doesn’t want to see her, and doesn’t want to force her company on someone who doesn’t want it.

gannett · 10/08/2022 17:54

Breakingmad · 10/08/2022 17:44

Because she knows that he doesn’t want to see her, and doesn’t want to force her company on someone who doesn’t want it.

Show quote history

She doesn't know anything of the sort. He didn't know when he'd finish work, called her when he finished anyway, then had to go food shopping. Her weird interpretation of that very normal sequence of events as "he doesn't want to see me" is rooted in her insecurity and growing feelings for him, which she perceives leaves her at some sort of disadvantage.

While yes, having feelings for someone inherently does leave you vulnerable, the deeply unhealthy thing that PP have picked up on is that the OP's attitude to relationships is too focused on game-playing. And of course, because of that any perceived power shift is a catastrophe! But actually, a healthy attitude towards relationships doesn't fixate on who likes who more, and certainly doesn't set up weird tests that your partner isn't even aware of.

Breakingmad · 10/08/2022 18:06

That isn’t what happened though. She asked when she’d be next seeing him and he didn’t say ‘tomorrow? I’ll let you know when I finish work, but let’s wind for 8’, he hesitated and then said ‘well I can see you tomorrow but it depends when I finish work’.

He finished work at 4pm so I doubt he was looking at finishing at 10/11pm so why would it depend when he finished work? OP says it’s usual for him to work Wednesday then see her. He doesn’t want to see OP tonight, she has realised that, and is confused as to why.

Breakingmad · 10/08/2022 18:07

*let’s aim for 8

Bigchezemakeme · 10/08/2022 18:14

Maybe he just wanted a night in on his own! Doesn’t mean he suddenly doesn’t like you. You readily suggested Friday. He agreed. Now you’re unhappy but haven’t voiced that. This is your issue

Pinkbonbon · 10/08/2022 18:19

Tbh...you saw him Monday and you're seeing him again on Friday...how much more do you need to see him? Also 'part of me doesnt feel like texting him much tonight?' You mean you need to talk more after all all texting you've already done today? I mean OK...maybe he texts you a lot too. But personally I think I'd get annoyed with this level of...neediness.

That being said, you should be able to communicate an amount with your partner that is comfortable for you both. That communication should never leave you feeling like they think you put them on a pedestal and are chasing them.

He is not a prize. You are in a partnership. If he doesn't bother his arse, stop pandering to him. If he doesn't step up, pan him.

hotdiggetydog · 10/08/2022 18:24

Fladdermus · 10/08/2022 16:43

So you're playing games. Saying one thing, hinting at another and scoring him down when he doesn't respond according to the rules of the game he doesn't know he playing.

This.

BEAM123 · 10/08/2022 18:26

He saw your parents with you on Sunday, his dad with you on Monday, on Friday you are going together to see his dad and he is working full time.....if I was him I'd be desperate for a few days off just to stare at a wall...
This in itself doesn't mean he isn't into you.
Maybe he just doesn't want to commit to every Wednesday, and wants it to remain a 'nice to do' thing on many weeks, not a 'cast in stone' thing every week. Maybe he is resisting it becoming too routine?

Only you can answer about other things being on his terms, but have you considered whether you are ready to revolve your entire life around him and maybe that's a little bit full on? Whereas he has a more measured approach??

Original poster
DaisyDooxox · 10/08/2022 18:26

@Breakingmad yes - that is exactly what I wanted I suppose. Him to be more willing to make a solid plan.

I guess maybe I’m a bit mentally damaged from my last relationship and that my confidence isn’t the best.

I want things to work with him but I just don’t know how to act or what to do. Whether to play it cool or not. It’s a tricky one.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyDooxox · 10/08/2022 18:27

@BEAM123 that’s a really good point. I didn’t see things from this angle.

perhaps I’m measuring this on what my last relationship was like and I shouldn’t be.

maybe I should just enjoy our moments as they are.

OP posts:
BEAM123 · 10/08/2022 18:36

DaisyDooxox · 10/08/2022 18:27

@BEAM123 that’s a really good point. I didn’t see things from this angle.

perhaps I’m measuring this on what my last relationship was like and I shouldn’t be.

maybe I should just enjoy our moments as they are.

Yes just keep yourself busy with other things when you aren't with him, and enjoy it when you do see him. The first year is about getting to know each other to see if you are compatible longer term. If he is still a bit non committal when it's closer to the year mark reassess then.

Meanwhile, keep investing in your own life. Make arrangements to see friends midweek (maybe sometimes on a Wednesday), do a sport or hobby etc.

It's scary to fall in love and feeel vulnerable and not be sure if they are in the same place as you at that time, but that's life. People fall into things at different rates. Invest in your own life (yes I said it again!)

He probably hadn't even thought about this Wednesday until you said it, and then when you did, realised that he'd actually been looking forward to just chilling for a couple of days.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 10/08/2022 19:10

DaisyDooxox, I think you have to be clearer, as other PPs are saying. You're hinting at wanting to see him more, and he isn't getting the hints. A lot of men don't get hints, and are understandably hurt if you confront them when they genuinely don't know you've been trying to tell them something.

BUT I don't think you're deliberately playing games with him. (Being colder to try to make him want you more would be game-playing, and a really bad idea.) I think you're lacking confidence.

He sounds so like my DH, who, like your bf, hadn't really had a long-term steady relationship before we met. Also, like you, I had had some bad experiences. As a result, I was sometimes a bit worried that I would sound demanding, so I would talk around an issue rather than, say, ask something clearly.

For example, if I wanted to see a film, I might ask him "Would you like to see a film?". And if he wasn't actively wanting to see a film at that moment, he would say "No". He was just telling the truth, not realising I thought he was shutting me off. Whereas (I discovered) if I said "I'd like to see a film, would you?" he'd probably say "OK, if you like. Did you have one in mind?" And we'd go on from there.

He just wasn't used to having a girlfriend. And I was too used to placating difficult men.

You say I feel like everything seems to be on his terms and I hang on his every word. Is he really demanding that everything should be on his terms? If so, that would be a red flag. But I think you may be imagining that and not daring to check. (If on the other hand he really is demanding that, I wouldn't like him.)

DH and I been happily married for more than 20 years so far. For both of us, it was worth persevering and learning to understand each other. I hope you have as much luck, whether with this bf or someone else.