Absolutely floored by ex’s reaction to nearly losing our baby

[shelfo]

Ex left a few weeks ago. I have been under huge stress as he won’t communicate about anything to do with our baby. I had stopped communication and then a few days later had a huge scare, had to go to hospital and didn’t know if the baby was ok for literally hours. I text him explaining and then called him in tears and said I need to talk about the baby, he hung up and haven’t heard from him since. Presumably he doesn’t actually care if his baby is dead or alive. It’s been a couple of days now and I’ve calmed down after the shock but I just can’t believe his reaction, no message nothing asking if we were ok.

I don’t know why I’m posting, just feel sick whenever I think about it.

I’m sorry, this must have all been such a shock for you. How is your baby now?

@0live thank you. Baby fine but had big bleed and they couldn’t find the heartbeat for a while. I am quite far along too and it was very distressing.

it’s only since I’ve been home I’ve actually processed what he did. And the fact he’s not even asked about them (or me). I’m just so hurt I haven’t even cried about it, just totally shocked. I can’t imagine being so cold.

I’m really sorry to hear this. How is your baby doing now?

Unfortunately some men can be incredibly callous and have the ability to completely compartmentalise their previous lives/relationships.

Was your break up acrimonious or is this behaviour completely out of the blue?

OP - have yo posted (repeatedly?) about this man before? If so, you need to take all the comments on board - this relationship is over and he wants nothing to do with you or the baby. Once the baby is born, you will need to go via CMS to seek at least some financial support.

I'm sorry for the scare you've had. I hope you have support in real life from friends or family.

@Triffid1 no I haven’t? The relationship is over, I know that as I ended it!

@ChickPeaChic I guess that’s true, I just cannot understand how someone can be so cold. That’s his baby. The break up was instigated by me but I’ve been straightforward and nice about things. He’s never been like that before, though I wouldn’t expect that of anyone.

There have been a weird number of similar posts recently, hence my question.
However, sadly, what has become clear from all hese posts is that these men don't give a flying monkey's about their ex-partner and/or the baby. Im' sorry.

@Triffid1 yes I read one too last week. I can’t fathom that my ex literally does not know whether his baby is ok and has simply got on with his day! Sooo glad I called time on the relationship, knew he was bas news just hard to take it in!

The ability for some people (men mostly) to simply turn off any and all feeling is, sadly, well documented. An unborn baby even more so.

good luck with the rest of the pregnancy and I hope you are getting the support you need.

I'm sorry you had to go through that on your own.
Some men have no imagination- they can't seem to process the existence of the baby, until it arrives. They aren't affected by miscarriage/termination, and don't see why their partner is.
Some men, even after birth, don't really see it as a person. They only really get the connection later.
Decent men act as if they care, until they do.

Some men are just arseholes.

then called him in tears and said I need to talk about the baby, he hung up

I can't help thinking that from that he will be thinking that everything isn't OK.

@diddl thsts true. Almost makes it worse! Literally never met anyone so cold, makes me feel sick

Personally I’d stop contacting him entirely. Inform him when the baby is born and leave the ball in his court from there on out regarding visits, don’t try to push it. Obviously give the baby your surname and contact CMS as soon as the baby is born for maintenance too.

Sounds like he doesn’t give a shit, sorry. Some guys are total deadbeats.

@Sartre yes I won’t be giving him any updates. It’s like I never knew him. Wish I hadn’t in fact!

A lesson I personally didn't learn until I was in my 40s was - you just can't make someone care.

They either do, or they don't. If they do, they will show it. You won't be posting somewhere like Mumsnet tying yourself in knots trying to figure out if they do...you will know from both their words and actions.

This person had already made it clear he's not interested in your baby. Concentrate all your energies to looking after yourself and your baby when they arrive.

Yes-you'd think he would have checked.

I agree with a pp though-just tell him when baby is here & apply for cm.

Depending on what you were messaging about for example prams or something I can see why he might not bother with that after you'd left him.

I think his response or lack of after what I went through has put the tin lid on anything to be honest! I want nothing to do with him.

Well the good news is you and baby are okay and you now know for absolute certain you did the right thing.

Late pregnancy nesting instinct maybe would have had you questioning your sanity and wanting to try for the sake of your child.
Now they might make you clean your skirting boards but won't lead you to any daft life decisions!

I know this will sound cold OP but it might be that he was hoping things weren’t ok. He may have thought it would be a blessing in disguise so that you could have a clean break.

Sadly I agree with the last poster.

Sadly I agree with @Blondbombsite, particularly as the baby hasn't been born yet he's hoping that this is a solution to all his problems.

Just to play devils advocate here…

Ex left a few weeks ago. I have been under huge stress as he won’t communicate about anything to do with our baby
What is there to communicate about until the baby is born? And how often have you been trying to communicate with him?

I had stopped communication and then a few days later had a huge scare, had to go to hospital and didn’t know if the baby was ok for literally hours. I text him explaining and then called him in tears and said I need to talk about the baby, he hung up and haven’t heard from him since.
Maybe he genuinely didn’t believe you and thought it was an attempt to stoke a reaction from him after your previous attempts to “communicate” had failed.

Either way, he obviously doesn’t want to speak to you, so just leave him be and get on with your own life. Once the baby is here, you can reassess the need to contact him.

@GiltEdges
'leave him be & get on with your own life'

yes, because the poor bloke didn't take part in creating this baby did he? How dreadful of the OP to pester him when she thought THEIR baby might not make it. Must trouble the poor lamb must we.

FFS

@shelfo I'm sorry you had such a scare! I'm also sorry your baby's father is such a monumental twat.

good thing is though, this should totally make you stop wondering if you did the right think breaking up with him !

definitely give YOUR baby YOUR surname & YOUR choice of name.

Apply for CMS the very minute you can.

Don't bother even telling him when YOUR baby is born, he can find out via CMS. It's all he deserves!! He's knows you're due, he has your number, if he was bothered about YOUR baby, he'd have been in touch.

Do you have family & friends supporting you? A birthing partner?

🙄

Of course he contributed to creating the baby, but the baby isn’t here yet and OP indicates in her post that it wasn’t the first time she’d attempted to contact him to discuss who knows what. Then she (in his eyes) had a convenient excuse to do it again, when something was apparently wrong with the baby all of a sudden. I’m not saying I doubt the OP, just that I can see why he’d be suspicious.

If, as OP says, she was the one to end things then she now has the perfect opportunity to move on with her own life.

Was the baby planned? I’m not saying that makes it ok he’s a shit clearly but I think that would explain his reaction if he was not happy about the situation

I’m glad your baby is ok. Please concentrate on you and him or her, you are the important ones in this.
Men are experts at compartmentalising their feelings. He’s opened a cupboard, popped you and future baby in it and closed the door. In his head this means he doesn’t have to engage with either of you.
Look after you and baby. Don’t put his name on birth certificate and make sure he pays child support. I’m thinking he’s the worst man in the world right now, but sadly he’s not the only one. Look after yourself. 💐