Blacklisted???

[Asti4ever]

Is it normal to be Black listed from your own Family and girlfriends, if you are the one initiating divorce ?
A Month ago i told my husband of 12 years i wanted divorce . Sunday i moved with my 14 year Old daughter. I am really sad, this is not what i wanted But i see no choice.
Yesterday we both Got corona 😣 fuck we are sick!
Have been texting to my mom, girlfriends and some cousins - But only at my initiation. Havent heard from anyone since monday. I fewl so alone and so hurt. Not sure if it is stupid to feel this Way.
Hes blocked me everywhere But remain friends with all my friends and Family.
Not even my sister has called me 😣 tell me to get a grip??

And thank you for your replies 🌺

I was considered the bad person and received little support. Now 4 years later ExH has shown multiple times when an absolute let down he is and has failed to be a parent to our 2 kids. Now my family see the truth.

I just don't understand this at all.

People divorce-sometimes it is no one's "fault".

Even if you think that your own "child" is at fault, why does that mean you wouldn't retain the relationship you always had with them?

Excactly! This is my mom, my sister, my cousins who i see a lot, my best friends. I know they dont understand / or dont agree (??) - But i am 50 years Old and they treat me like some stupid teenager.. (i feel )
I have told my mom, sister, one cousin and 3 friends why i wanted divorce. They made some sympathetic noices (several weeks ago) - and now just silence...

I asked this earlier, but have you actually talked to any of them about this? Said ‘my husband was a toxic sex pest, I’ve left and now feel abandoned by you, what’s going on?’

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

No.. i dont feel brave enough..
i have a few good Girl friends who dont know him and they have been here for me.. its "just" all the rest..
10 minuts ago my daughter recieved a text asking if she wanted the dog, as he (suddenly!) did not. WTF did he not ask me?? He is totally ignoring me..

What are you worried will happen? What could be worse than what’s happening now?

Essentially, he’s spinning whatever narrative he’s created. You can be passive and let that happen, if you can communicate directly with the people who you would like to keep in your life and engage with the situation on your own terms. I know which option I’d choose.

It would be worse if they say they like him more.. they all Think he is so great. And i never Said he was not. Now i have, in a few words, But i guess i Sound vindictive or at least lying.

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's worth bearing the following in mind:

Those of us who, like you, are in abusive relationships tend to have been in abusive situations in the family they grew up in, and can even choose friends/acquaintances who follow a similar pattern.

This means that very often family and friends are the last people you can go to for help, because they are part of the problem. Don't rely on them; get your own help.

I am sorry this has happened to you.
I notice you leant your cousin your car. That's pretty generous. If you are always like that with your family, maybe they are worried you won't be in the future, now that you are asserting your own needs more (by ending your unsatifactory marriage). Anyway people don't like change and are probably worried what this means for them. When things settle down and you are into your new life perhaps they will come round.

Well i dont want Them, Then. Fine they Think this of me - But they have also no concern for my daughter..

Have you actually phoned and spoke to them ?
Have you asked them to bring you food,or whatever you need ?
Don't block them.

OP, are you from a religious background? One where divorce is frowned upon?

No. Usually i just make the food and put it on the dorstep, if anyone has a hard time.
Send a short text, asking if they need anything. Always offering.
I never needed help before. But separation, moving out and both me and dd has covid 19 - would be Nice if just my sister or a friend checked in..
I feel pathetic..

No, no religion.. But everybody love him and Think he is so fantastic to "take on" my children. I should be so gratefull.
And i was. For a Long time. So i ignored all the red flags, the abuse untill i just could not. And within a month i moved out.

You don't have to answer this Op but I'm wondering what happened to the father of your kids.

If you were a single mum for a time & your family didn't like this & now you are there again (through your own choice in their eyes?)

Idk-it seems such an odd reaction to me that I can't help thinking that they either really don't care about you or that there is something about your situation that they find shameful/unacceptable.

It's 2022-no one needs/has to be with a man to be considered "worthy"!

The childrens father drifted out of their lives 6 years ago.. he was never there much.
I really feel like the Black sheep in the Family - very suddenly!

Are they actually ignoring you? Or are they just getting on with their lives not thinking about you? There is a difference there. Some people are just selfish. Out of sight, out of mind. It doesn't mean they've cut you out. It just means they haven't remembered or thought about you. Would they normally check in with you at other times?

Hi Op, i had this when i got divorced, ( 2003) . Family (very religious) put every obstacle in my path and "friends" also. My Mum said " no one is happily married", expected me to stay and suffer. Just as she has.

My friends were not particularly helpful either, in fact largely evasive. In fact, i have never seen my 30 yrs friends after my divorce in 2003, despite i reached out to them all for support. 🖕

I left, divorced and have been very happy ever since. I have made new similar friends, with same experiences, rarely see my family or old friends. I am happy as are my DC's. I have new brave Mum friends, largely through work.

Having spoken to many other divorced ladies, this is a thing.

I have a theory that ....those largely stuck in unhappy marriages, with no financial means of their own.. will never ever offer support to those of you divorcing. They are stuck. They will never ever support your freedoms that , you can afford. It is sad but, a lot of female friends will not ever support you while they themselves are they " stuck".

An old friend even told me she was stuck , as had no money. She would like to leave but has no money. She could " no longer be my friend and watch me live my best life". She binned me off and left me alone.

Their rejection of you, is ultimately more about them and not you. Live your best life OP. Enjoy your new life.

Keep going OP. 💪🏻

Your family are being arses, ignoring you and DD when you’re ill. But your husband is even worse. Whatever grievance he has (or claims he has) with you, how can he justify taking it out on his 14-year-old daughter. Disgusting. Sorry you’re going through this, OP.

Thank you all.. it really help Reading what you are saying.
I wont ask Them why. I wont Call Them at all..
But even if/when they Contact me, - i still feel so rejected. This is my mom , my sister , cousins i have spent every Christmas and birthday with. And Old friends. And yes i have done too much, offered too much and never needed anything back before now.
And last - i see red when i Think of my soon to be ex. I know the opposite of love is indifference - i am so not there.. i hate how he treat dd.. and ignoring me, trying to move along House sale etc..
psykologist calling me this morning. Cant wait!
Thanks again everybody...

There could be a world of different situations behind your description of him here. If he was demanding you came home from the office every lunch time to have sex then of course that was ridiculous. On the other hand, if you simply stopped ever being intimate with him, and about once a month he politely made moves to see if you were interested then that’s a very different matter.

If it was the latter, then he may well have told your family that you refused all intimacy, and the next thing he knew you were taking his child away and hadn’t explained why.

I was thinking the same thing tbh. It may have nothing to do with the divorce - more likely everyone has had covid several times over the last two years so it’s not like it was in the beginning. It’s more akin to telling someone you gave a cold or a headache etc, they may say “oh dear, get well soon” but then promptly forget about it as it isn’t really news. I’m bad for this I know - I’m a genuinely caring and loving person but my Facebook feed has been clogged up with various friends and family bemoaning their CV19 test status for so long now I’m just fatigued by it. I had it really badly and didn’t post about it online or ask anyone for help. Just snuggled myself up on the sofa and drank lots of tea until I felt human again. It was rough, but I didn’t expect other people to either know or care tbh!

I know.. i havent had covid before.
If i was not surrounded by moving boxes and not much in the kitchen, i May not ha e felt this Way. But we Got covid just as we moved out and flat is so not unpacked.

And i havent just stopped having sex, Then kidnapped his daughter!! Jesus.. i have talked and explained and tried and he just shut Down. He was fine. Maby more sex would make me happy? (About 2 times a week right up untill i told him)

He has our adress. Both our phone Numbers ..

Who mentioned kidnapped? Are you saying now that you’ve not taken your daughter to live with you?

From what you’ve posted you decided to stop having sex with him, announced that you were leaving with his daughter, and that was that. Is this not why the family are upset?

I got the impression the 14year old is OP’s daughter and her ex’s stepdaughter. So ´kidnapping’ could not possibly apply in this case as legally he has zero parental responsibility.