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Original poster

How to deal with an abrupt partner

26 replies

DaisyDooxox · 10/08/2022 11:46

Hi all.

I am 26, he is 28 and we have been together for 5 months.

He is quite an abrupt and sometimes sarcastic person who says what he thinks. In the beginning of the relationship, he showed this less but now it is showing more.

He is very independent and very honest about things - I just fear that maybe I’m overly sensitive.

Examples of this are:


  • telling me if I have something on my face.

  • I groomed his dog and he told me he didn’t like the cut.

  • I helped him with the washing up and he told me I didn’t wash something properly.

  • getting annoyed at me if I mishear him and then refusing to repeat himself - then jokingly commenting that I need a hearing test.


When he is sarcastic with me, I get the impression he thinks I’m stupid and he has commented that I can be ditzy.

I feel like I entered this relationship being the one to call the shorts, and now he seems on a pedestal and I am hanging on his every last word.

I jokingly say that as I’m his girlfriend he should be nicer to me, but he says that he doesn’t need to assure me or ‘blow my trumpet’.

He is very easy going about when we see eachother too - saying “I don’t mind” etc.

Its confusing to me as I obviously want to be treated sincerely by somebody. But the colder he is, the more I want him.

Even his dad said that he was abrupt, but “if he loves you, he’ll love you to the end of the earth and always protect you”.

I just don’t know how to act or feel and don’t want to get any deeper into this if I’m going to be hurt. At the beginning, and sometimes now, he tells me that he loves me and that he is so glad he found me. It’s just confusing.

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 10/08/2022 11:51

If this is a personality trait then I doubt you'll change it, although if he genuinely loves you and knows that he is hurting your feelings he should, if he's a decent person, think before he opens his mouth.

The examples you've given - if I had something on my face/stuck in my teeth, I'd want someone to tell me. The dog grooming thing - there are ways of letting someone know you're not happy with the outcome and tact seems to be in short supply with him. I'd have told him to employ a professional groomer next time. The washing up - ditto - do it yourself next time. The being irritated if you've misheard is quite a dickish reaction and honestly as you're only a few months in I think you need to ask yourself if this behaviour is a deal breaker.

I'm afraid it would be for me.

Quitelikeit · 10/08/2022 11:55

I’m abrupt. Or call a spade a spade.

in public and at work I’m very mindful

in my own home I like to be myself

my dp appreciates my honesty. Although he is more like you and a bit reserved. It’s not an issue for us

WotsitsFingers · 10/08/2022 11:56

It's his personality and you don't have to deal with it. 5 months in, I'd walk away.
FWIW I would be fine with your examples apart from refusing to repeat when you mishear but I'm not you and people have different sensitivities and communication styles.

Quitelikeit · 10/08/2022 12:06

Yes also should say you should definitely walk away if you clash on this as he’s v unlikely to change his style of communication

gannett · 10/08/2022 12:08

Some people are just very blunt and they aren't going to change.

Of your four examples only the last one crosses the line.

It's up to you whether you want a blunt, abrupt person as a partner. If he has enough positive traits to balance it out then you accept him for who he is. If abruptness is a deal-breaker for you this is also a reasonable position and you should end the relationship.

GeriSignfeld · 10/08/2022 12:11

Not a great sign that the colder he is the more you want him.

Treat em mean, keep em keen & all that!

Have you considered giving your own back?

I detest the term "Banter" but have you considered pushing back & making this something playful?

"Let's see you do a better job with the dog's hairdo"
"You know what would make your dishes cleaner? Replacing that grotty old dish sponge, mate"

Ultimately thoughm people are on their best behaviour early on & show themselves later

If this is bothering you it's because you're starting to see the real him

PearlclutchersInc · 10/08/2022 12:14

If you're not managing this and its only 5 months in its time to move on, its not going to change.

You're different personalities and you can probably find someone who's more closely aligned wih yours.

TedMullins · 10/08/2022 12:14

The refusing to repeat himself if you mishear is dickish but the others are fine? Not sure of the problem. Would you rather walk round with something on your face and him pretending it’s not there?

UWhatNow · 10/08/2022 12:14

Quitelikeit · 10/08/2022 11:55

I’m abrupt. Or call a spade a spade.

in public and at work I’m very mindful

in my own home I like to be myself

my dp appreciates my honesty. Although he is more like you and a bit reserved. It’s not an issue for us

Me too.

If someone took it upon themselves to do my washing up and didn’t do it properly I’d have to say something. You’ve got to eat off those plates!

I think if you’re a sensitive Sally and want things fakely sugar coated then maybe you’re not compatible.

TooHotToTangoToo · 10/08/2022 12:15

I say what I think = I'm rude and use this as an excuse to be rude

allthebikes · 10/08/2022 12:16

He's belittling you. It will wear away at your confidence over time. It's probably best to walk away.

Sux2buthen · 10/08/2022 12:19

If he's different to how he was in the beginning and doesn't respect you asking him to stop just get rid

gannett · 10/08/2022 12:20

GeriSignfeld · 10/08/2022 12:11

Not a great sign that the colder he is the more you want him.

Treat em mean, keep em keen & all that!

Have you considered giving your own back?

I detest the term "Banter" but have you considered pushing back & making this something playful?

"Let's see you do a better job with the dog's hairdo"
"You know what would make your dishes cleaner? Replacing that grotty old dish sponge, mate"

Ultimately thoughm people are on their best behaviour early on & show themselves later

If this is bothering you it's because you're starting to see the real him

Being able to do banter is a personality thing as well though!

If that sort of banter doesn't come naturally to you, you won't be able to do it well.

A blunt person like this guy might be more suited to a partner who gives as good as she gets, but you can't transform yourself into that personality if it's not how you are.

Summerhillsquare · 10/08/2022 12:23

I'm quite plain speaking and I recognise the last one is just rude and nasty.

GeriSignfeld · 10/08/2022 12:25

@gannett Good point, you shouldn't force yourself to interact in a way that feels unnatural.

A blunt character is well suited to someone who can call them on their shit or be sarcastic/poke fun back at them.

Not suggesting the OP should get her banter on, just that maybe she is taking offence & things to heart quickly?

Once of my favourite family memories is the time Mother gave our dog the most shocking haircut ever. We've never let her forget that one.

Instead of sooking over being called out for her horrible haircutting skills, it turned into a funny family story.

I can't help but think the OP is perhaps a bit too sensitive for this person....

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 10/08/2022 12:46

Nah, he is a dick. Move onwards and upwards to find someone better.

coconuthead · 10/08/2022 12:54

I am very blunt / honest but in this instance I feel like he's using his 'bluntness' to neg you

mamabeeboo · 10/08/2022 13:54

I'm quite blunt and abrupt as a person and sarcastic, especially to DH, but for me that's because I feel comfortable around him. So for example, I'll return home from somewhere and he will say "oh hey, you're back!", and I'll say "no I'm still out..."

For me, it's fun, it's comfortable and it's banter.

Early in the relationship when we were dating, he wondered if I actually liked him! But now he has learned that it is just me and how I am as a person, and now gives as good as he gets which makes me howl with laughter every evening.

So I think the question is, is the abruptness spiteful? What is his intent with his words? If he is just sharing his opinion as feedback, or he just wants to make you feel like shit.

halfcaterpillar · 10/08/2022 14:09

In the early days of my relationship with DH, I struggled to adapt to his blunt, 'call a spade a spade' style. He'd been brought up that way, whereas I was from a very polite, diplomatic family. We've also discovered in later life that he is mildly autistic, which I'm sure contributes to the occasional lack of sensitivity. Over time (now nearly 20 years together), I've learned to grow a thick skin and laugh at myself and poke fun at him. He's learned to be more sensitive. But it wouldn't suit everyone. For example, i once read him a poem I'd written and he said 'well, you've tried, but in trying, you've failed.' Do you know what?! He was right about that poem! I'd tried too hard with it and lost the artistry. I actually now really value his honesty in all things - especially work problems - I trust his judgment and he'll never flatter me insincerely - complements are genuine and therefore mean a lot more.

Obviously, you shouldn't stay with this guy if he regularly puts you down, but do reflect whether it's just different personalities first. Learning from each other and improving each other is one of the best and most rewarding things in a long term relationship.

BadNomad · 10/08/2022 14:13

I agree, it's a personality thing rather than a bad thing. It's honesty, not criticism. If you want someone who will let you walk around with food on your face, lie to you, and not point out when you've not completed a task adequately, then he is not the man for you.

Him getting annoyed with you because you can't hear him is mean, though. He needs to have more patience.

hotfroth · 10/08/2022 14:17

If he's like this after only 5 months, what's he going to be like after 5 years?

But the colder he is, the more I want him
And that is why he's doing it. But why do you feel that way? Look at it in the cold light of day, and you can see how futile it all is. Why do you want so desperately to be with someone who treats you like this already?

WaveyHair · 10/08/2022 14:18

I can be black & white. Some have said that they like it as 'I know exactly why you are pissed off at me and I can handle that'. Others have struggled with the honesty.

But there is a world of difference between been honest & nasty.

Herejustforthisone · 10/08/2022 14:18

Sounds like he’s negged you to knock you down a peg or two, in order to assume control of the relationship. Which has worked.

Herejustforthisone · 10/08/2022 14:20

halfcaterpillar · 10/08/2022 14:09

In the early days of my relationship with DH, I struggled to adapt to his blunt, 'call a spade a spade' style. He'd been brought up that way, whereas I was from a very polite, diplomatic family. We've also discovered in later life that he is mildly autistic, which I'm sure contributes to the occasional lack of sensitivity. Over time (now nearly 20 years together), I've learned to grow a thick skin and laugh at myself and poke fun at him. He's learned to be more sensitive. But it wouldn't suit everyone. For example, i once read him a poem I'd written and he said 'well, you've tried, but in trying, you've failed.' Do you know what?! He was right about that poem! I'd tried too hard with it and lost the artistry. I actually now really value his honesty in all things - especially work problems - I trust his judgment and he'll never flatter me insincerely - complements are genuine and therefore mean a lot more.

Obviously, you shouldn't stay with this guy if he regularly puts you down, but do reflect whether it's just different personalities first. Learning from each other and improving each other is one of the best and most rewarding things in a long term relationship.

To me, this sounds quite thankless. Still, if you’re happy, that’s what matters.

Drinkingpop · 10/08/2022 14:23

The things he says makes you feel stupid and insecure. This is not alright. You can call it blunt or any other term, but it's your feelings that count. How 'blunt' would he need to be to cross your not-okay boundary? Feels like it's already been crossed which is why you're questioning things.

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