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Original poster

Fed up of judgemental friend

32 replies

TheLibrary · 09/08/2022 21:46

Don't know where I am supposed to post this so feel free to move it if needs be.

Background information;
I am 29 and I am asexual. I have no children, don't feel the need for them or a man (don't see the point tbh). I have no pets again don't see the point, personally think they are smelly and hairy and frankly unnecessary. I live alone and am happy doing it, I love my own space and freedom to do whatever the hell I want.

Here's the problem, my best friend seems to hate the fact that I spend money.

We have been friends for as long as I can remember, nursery, primary, middle (there was still a three tier school system in place where we grew up, it's gone now) and high school together. I have stuck by her through numerous breakups, three children and was actually there during the birth of one. We work together and make the same money. I love her and her children with every fibre of my being.

She just always seems to have something to say when I buy something that she can't or won't. "Wow, that's expensive!" "I wish I could buy something like that." "Did you really just buy that?" "Do you know what I could do with the money that is worth?" I wouldn't mind so much if it was every now and then or even if it was just the big ticket items but it is everything.

Two months ago I bought a new MacBook, I needed it for work and my 8 year old windows was so slow it was easier to work from my phone. I understood that this wasn't exactly cheap and shrugged off the "How much?!?!" "For a laptop?" "Are you serious?"

Today we were in a coffee shop I bought myself a cold juice thing (I hate hot drinks), her a coffee and her youngest a biscuit. And she started again "how can you afford to live like this?" "Do you know how much this costs?" "I wish I could buy coffee whenever I wanted." She was in the coffee shop. She had her coffee. I bought it! I don't go to coffee shops often because I don't like to, but I like to occasionally treat her.

I bought her eldest some art stuff for her birthday. She (my friend) had asked for this so I bought it. I spent around £25 on pens, felt tips, pencils, paints, colouring books and all the accessories needed for those items. Imo not that much and the same that I would have done for my neices and nephews. She went off that I spent more than was "reasonable". I honestly didn't think that £25 was that much for a nine year olds present but she was really upset. I don't understand when she spent £400 on one present and had a massive party at a large hall and invited all her friends. I bought what she asked for! Most of it came from B&M fgs!

Is she resentful that I have the freedom to do these things? Is she jealous? Is she mad at my frivolity? Is she mad that she has children and her money goes there and I don't have any of those responsibilities?

I just don't get it. And frankly it is starting to affect our relationship as I don't want to be around her constant judgement anymore. What should I do?

OP posts:
Circumferences · 09/08/2022 21:50

It's probably a personality quirk.
I bet she's like that with everyone. Annoying as fuck but not personal.

Do you feel guilty about spending money? You shouldn't.

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 09/08/2022 21:52

I think that it is a bit of envy yes and I also think that it’s become a habit for conversation for her.

She sounds like a good pal so can you just tell her that you enjoy treating yourself and people you love because you can?

Original poster
TheLibrary · 09/08/2022 21:53

Thank you for your reply.

I don't feel guilty, I earned it. I pay my bills, buy the things I need, put money into savings and play with the rest.

I think it's good to spend as well as save I just hate the fact that she always has something to say about every penny I spend.

OP posts:
ExtraOnion · 09/08/2022 22:00

Stop telling her how much things cost, how much you spent, and where you bought it from.

Original poster
TheLibrary · 09/08/2022 22:01

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 09/08/2022 21:52

I think that it is a bit of envy yes and I also think that it’s become a habit for conversation for her.

She sounds like a good pal so can you just tell her that you enjoy treating yourself and people you love because you can?

I have told her that I enjoy treating people. But she just keeps going on about it. No one else seems to have a problem with it.

I would understand if I was buying expensive gifts all the time but the odd coffee? Birthday presents? I just don't get it.

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 09/08/2022 22:04

Your a good soul op, I guess it's when people have different perspectives that makes some things seem 😲,

Original poster
TheLibrary · 09/08/2022 22:05

ExtraOnion · 09/08/2022 22:00

Stop telling her how much things cost, how much you spent, and where you bought it from.

I never do.

I'm guessing she looks the things up online that I buy myself. I didn't tell her I bought the MacBook, I just came into work with it (for all she knew it was a second hand one).

The coffee she knows the price of. And the birthday gift, she was with me when I bought it. She chose the items, but when I gave them to her child she acted as if she knew nothing about them and it was an unreasonably over the top gift.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 09/08/2022 22:05

‘Urgh, money. Hey did you see the news earlier…’

’ I only buy what I can afford. Hey did you see the news earlier’

‘Hey, did you see the news earlier?’

Onandupw · 09/08/2022 22:10

I would say it comes from insecurity- maybe not so much jealousy as such - but more questioning her own choices.

it is probably easier for her to dismiss the nice things you buy as you being wasteful or whatever she implies rather than her consciously accepting that having three children has directly meant that she can’t afford those things.

if you’re in the same job and presumably earn the same - you are like the weird other time dimension time tracel
twin where she made different choices and as a result had more money. It’s probably compounded by the fact that you’re so obviously happy with your choice. It would be easier for her if you were desperate for kids etc.

but it doesn’t sound like she is consciously being a bitch.

id just be really honest about it and if she’s a good friend she’ll stop!

Onandupw · 09/08/2022 22:12

And to be honest raising it with her actually will hopefully let her assess what ever is bubbling along underneath the surface.

whixh doesn’t need to be some dramatic thing where she hates all her kids etc. it might just be a matter of her consciously thinking oh well I totally love my three kids and I acknowledge what that means I’ve given up.

EmergencyHepNeeded · 09/08/2022 22:13

I would just have to say to her that we earn the same amount but because she has a family she has to share her money with them and you don't have a family so you get to keep it all for yourself! And if she doesn't shut up about it then you don't want to go out with her anymore.

Hoplesscynic · 09/08/2022 22:16

She sounds horrible to be honest. I could cope with someone like that only if I didn't have to see them often, but otherwise it would ruin the relationship for me. It's really bad taste for her to keep saying such things and she sounds incredibly daft and shallow.
Given she spends £400 on a single gift, hiring big party halls etc tells me she is a) not that skint, b) very hypocritical. She sounds like someone who wants to play the victim and for people to feel sorry for her.
I think your options are: firmly tell her that these comments are draining, you feel judged and she has to stop. If she I'd a good friend, she will take the hint. But I suspect she is too selfish to think of your feelings. Anyway, failing that you either go LC or NC.

Original poster
TheLibrary · 09/08/2022 22:33

Hoplesscynic · 09/08/2022 22:16

She sounds horrible to be honest. I could cope with someone like that only if I didn't have to see them often, but otherwise it would ruin the relationship for me. It's really bad taste for her to keep saying such things and she sounds incredibly daft and shallow.
Given she spends £400 on a single gift, hiring big party halls etc tells me she is a) not that skint, b) very hypocritical. She sounds like someone who wants to play the victim and for people to feel sorry for her.
I think your options are: firmly tell her that these comments are draining, you feel judged and she has to stop. If she I'd a good friend, she will take the hint. But I suspect she is too selfish to think of your feelings. Anyway, failing that you either go LC or NC.

She's always been a bit mean. When we were at school she would make jokes about my eternal lack of a bf and her constant changing bf's. I didn't know back then that it was completely normal to have no feelings for sex. I thought there was something wrong with me. There was a rumour that I was gay and I could never prove it but I thought she had something to do with it because we had a conversation once where I was trying to work out if I was. But due to lack of attraction to women as well I decided that I couldn't be.

We come from different backgrounds, I came from a single mother with four children, who never had money and living on own brand food. She came from a happily married couple, the only child and getting everything when she wanted it.

Due to our upbringings I still live way below my means. I still eat own brand as that is what I am used to and I don't really like branded food. My clothes are second hand or clearance and I save a large chunk of my earnings. If I buy something big like my laptop I save for it for months.

She still lives as if she was living with her parents. There isn't a food item in her kitchen that isn't a big name, her clothes are always branded and she has her hair and nails done constantly.

I never say anything about this as I don't think it is any of my business what she does with her money. Yet she always has something to say about mine.

Despite this all I stay around for her and her kids because I love them. I don't know if I could go LC. How would I even start?

OP posts:
LastWordsOfALiar · 09/08/2022 22:56

Is it possible she feels you mismanage your money?

Because she likes branded clothes, food etc, perhaps she sees you buying cheap food, then buying gifts and feels you should be using that money to buy branded stuff?

It sounds like you have very different approaches to spending and I wonder if she's judging you for not choosing her way of allocating money.

I would probably try to respond with something like (in a jokey manner);

"Oh XYZ, stop going on about my money! I'm absolutely fine for money, I have savings and always enough to get me by so please stop panicking and going on about how I spend my money! Else I'll have to start calling you mother"

MadMadMadamMim · 09/08/2022 23:04

I'd say bluntly "I can afford it because I don't have three children like you do. What a silly comment to make .

Then I'd change the subject and hope she realised she was pissing me off.

FrancescaContini · 09/08/2022 23:07

She sounds awful. It’s totally unnecessary to comment on what others spend their money on. I just couldn’t tolerate this at all.

Buythebag40 · 09/08/2022 23:11

I think she sounds like a right nasty cow tbh. The stuff about the £25 present sounds downright weird - she asked you to get him that stuff, then tried to embarrass you in front of everyone - it's almost like a form of gaslighting. She's trying to make you feel bad for some reason (probably jealousy or her own insecurities) - she doesn't sound like a good friend and you sound sweet and like a bit of a doormat (sorry!).

Get assertive and start telling her to mind her own business.

user1471457751 · 09/08/2022 23:24

Just point out to her that a mac book is a hell of a lot cheaper than 3 kids.

Society · 09/08/2022 23:37

You don't sound like you actually like this woman. Why are you still friends with her?

TooHotToTangoToo · 10/08/2022 07:04

Sounds like a bit of jealousy (3 kids will be v expensive) and also maybe she feels so comfortable in your presence, that what she thinks comes out of her mouth.

I actually think she's being quite nasty, almost punishing you for being able to buy things she can't die to her own choices. Kids are v expensive so she's likely spending far more than you, but she chooses to try and make you feel uncomfortable about your spending habits. Don't ever explain or apologise for it, there's nothing to explain or apologise about. You earn it and you can spend it as you see fit. When she brings it up simply say that her children cost a lot more than a max book or coffee, laugh and change the subject. Or maybe a 'how much does childcare cost these days' another good response is 'well the joy of having no kids is that my money is my own'

Wishimaywishimight · 10/08/2022 09:39

"Can we talk about something other than money for a change?" with a smile (half in joking / whole in earnest as my mother would say!).

Musti · 10/08/2022 09:54

she sounds like a bore. I would have nothing to do with her. To me it sounds like she’s looking at anything to criticise you about and she’s only your friend so she can feel good about her pathetic existence. Find better friends - ie. Ones that like you and think you’re great

IncompleteSenten · 10/08/2022 09:57

Tell her that you are tired of this.

You have more money because you don't have children or pets and it's not rocket science.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2022 10:00

I don't understand why you haven't told her how much this irritates you. I'd then be telling her that there will be no further discussion on how much you spend, but that means you have to stop telling her what you buy, too. If she has a problem with that, you need a new friend.

DeoForty · 10/08/2022 10:14

I think she's decided you have a financially freer existence and can't see past it. Of course you do, you have different lives. Also if she is the same age as you and has the children (including a 9 year old) the chances are she's never had a time where she was living alone and/or able to spend money on herself. I wonder if she had previously considered herself to be 'ahead' of you (relationship/children) and has now realised that there are massive benefits to the decisions you've made and that, worse still, you don't want the things that she has. You know her best, OP. I hope she gets over it soon.

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