Fed up of judgemental friend

[TheLibrary]

Don't know where I am supposed to post this so feel free to move it if needs be.

Background information;
I am 29 and I am asexual. I have no children, don't feel the need for them or a man (don't see the point tbh). I have no pets again don't see the point, personally think they are smelly and hairy and frankly unnecessary. I live alone and am happy doing it, I love my own space and freedom to do whatever the hell I want.

Here's the problem, my best friend seems to hate the fact that I spend money.

We have been friends for as long as I can remember, nursery, primary, middle (there was still a three tier school system in place where we grew up, it's gone now) and high school together. I have stuck by her through numerous breakups, three children and was actually there during the birth of one. We work together and make the same money. I love her and her children with every fibre of my being.

She just always seems to have something to say when I buy something that she can't or won't. "Wow, that's expensive!" "I wish I could buy something like that." "Did you really just buy that?" "Do you know what I could do with the money that is worth?" I wouldn't mind so much if it was every now and then or even if it was just the big ticket items but it is everything.

Two months ago I bought a new MacBook, I needed it for work and my 8 year old windows was so slow it was easier to work from my phone. I understood that this wasn't exactly cheap and shrugged off the "How much?!?!" "For a laptop?" "Are you serious?"

Today we were in a coffee shop I bought myself a cold juice thing (I hate hot drinks), her a coffee and her youngest a biscuit. And she started again "how can you afford to live like this?" "Do you know how much this costs?" "I wish I could buy coffee whenever I wanted." She was in the coffee shop. She had her coffee. I bought it! I don't go to coffee shops often because I don't like to, but I like to occasionally treat her.

I bought her eldest some art stuff for her birthday. She (my friend) had asked for this so I bought it. I spent around £25 on pens, felt tips, pencils, paints, colouring books and all the accessories needed for those items. Imo not that much and the same that I would have done for my neices and nephews. She went off that I spent more than was "reasonable". I honestly didn't think that £25 was that much for a nine year olds present but she was really upset. I don't understand when she spent £400 on one present and had a massive party at a large hall and invited all her friends. I bought what she asked for! Most of it came from B&M fgs!

Is she resentful that I have the freedom to do these things? Is she jealous? Is she mad at my frivolity? Is she mad that she has children and her money goes there and I don't have any of those responsibilities?

I just don't get it. And frankly it is starting to affect our relationship as I don't want to be around her constant judgement anymore. What should I do?

I was going to say maybe she has a mindset where she watches every penny, but from what you say it is not that. Maybe some kind of jealousy that you can buy whatever you like for yourself? My mindset might say that £400 on a party was worth it if it was something my chikd really wanted, but I wouldn't go out and spend that on one item for myself, for example. Maybe she feels restricted on what she can buy for herself and resents that you can buy whatever you like?

It doesn't mean she wishes she didn't have children necessarily, but we often envy what others have without thinking clearly what we might have to lose to be in the same position. (I envy single people who go on lots of fun weekends away but I wouldn't really want to be without my children and partner.)

Difficult to bring it up directly without causing a major upset. But changing the subject is a good tactic to try.

Also focus on managing your own feelings - you are letting her comments get to you, but you don't agree with them so let them flow over you.

And the birthday gift, she was with me when I bought it. She chose the items, but when I gave them to her child she acted as if she knew nothing about them and it was an unreasonably over the top gift.

Was this in front of lots of people? If so this puts a much nasty spin on things - she's setting you up to then belittle you in front of others.

If you have been friends for so long, could you not tell her what you put in this post, but be more tactful. Your friend obviously hasn't got a problem telling you what she thinks, maybe it's time to speak your mind too

Read this with interest OP. I’m also happily single with no children or pets (older than you tho). I too sometimes have people commenting on what I spend money on in a way I’m not sure they would if I was in a couple. I have a few indulgences (eg I like a cheeky hotel stay here and there) which are mentioned as if I was incredibly profligate. It’s not a big thing, but I’ve noticed it too. As for your friend, perhaps money is a bit of a preoccupation for her so, for some reason, she makes yours her business. Try to let it wash over.

How irritating. She's jealous you have disposable income. Just say I can afford it because I don't have 3 kids!

Wow. With friends like these...

She sounds jealous and spiteful. I wonder if there was an element of her feeling superior to you in the past and liking that status quo, which you have now upset by having more free time and money and being happy about it so she looks for ways to put you down, belittle you and make you question your self and your choices?

Not sure I'd consider her worth the effort personally, but hey ho.

Reading your update, how she has branded stuff, nails and hair regularly done etc. She obviously chooses to ignore her own indulgences but happy to make you feel like sh*t. I do get the sense she has a mean streak.
If you are adamant on keeping the friendship though, you need to be really blunt with her. Come up with a good repertoire and when she starts making her comments, you just laugh and repeat "Yes, I can afford it - and what's your point?", "Yes, I chose to buy my expensive laptop, why do you care", "I can afford it because i don't buy branded stuff/ maintain fake tan and nails/have 3 children". I bet she will get really offended and really defensive. Take no notice of that, she needs to be put in her place.

If you want to try LC, then do just that - become unavailable most of the time, tell her anything you want - you're busy with work, found a new hobby, don't immediately respond to texts and calls. It may turn out that she doesn't miss you that much anyway. Or she just misses making you feel bad.