Help me understand "just sex"

[Rollymo2050]

Bit of a long back story.. so please be patient.
New years eve 1999 at the ripe old age of 20 met someone who would have an impact on me to the current day.
Back then wasn't interested in any kind of relationship was figuring out life and partying hard, very hard and definitely at the time I saw it as being tied down if I was to have a relationship.
So late News years eve ended up a party completely wasted, can't remember how we got talking but I ended up back at his place, Had the most amazing sex all night
Long, next morning totally hungover and unable to string a conversation together he drove me home ( don't think I spoke a word lol) anyway this was a start of a habit would continue until our finally kiss in bar back in 2006. I would Go out clubbing get wrecked meet up have sex then I would do a runner in the morning without saying a word. He did once tell my mums friend when we were out one night that I was just using him for sex... I was totally smitten and besotted but I never once told or if I did I can't remember
But back then I was interested was working and partying hard and didn't want any kind of relationships. I went abroad to work when I came back ended up settling down and having a baby this relationship only lasted a 2 years then I met my current ex partner, but have always felt that I had just settled, we have never married as could never imagine being his wife, never wanted to as the only person I could imagine being married to is Mr 1999! ( think I need shooting at this point 😂) Mr 1999 has always been in my thoughts, never really left them to be fair🙄. Over the years have searched social media as you do for him but never found him until last year..Bang there he was, on insta, spent days deciding to follow or not! In the end I did ( again shoot me) fast forward to present day... we have been texting for over a year until last Friday when he blocked me!!! At first I was honest and said I didn't want the relationship to be based on sex and that I wanted him in my life to get to know him properly this time ( this is the mature me) so the chatting continues, sexting did occur but later on in the year, went out twice just for coffee last time which was a few weeks ago he mentioned going to his, ( by this point we have come to the agreement that we would just have sex and not get into a relationship)
My house is off limits due to having kids at home.
Anyway I had to cancel the 1st time going round due to covid and then the second time due to family... said I was sorry and felt bad for letting him down. He said I don't seem very keen which I replied I am keen.
(He had asked months ago why I didn't marry and told the truth and said he was the only person who I could see marrying) So in my head, he should know I'm keen? Right. Anyone he was free on Friday, i didn't mention going round but did say I would probably be in the same bar as him later that night.. left it at that...then at 10pm he texts to say 'I take it that's that' then ' what's the excuse now? Before I had a chance to reply I was blocked. Wtf?? We had agreed to no relationship and it would just be having fun with sex thrown in!! The mature me wouldn't expect someone to behave like this if it was just sex? Or am I still as clueless as I was in my 20's??? Still totally smitten ^ besotted but after com ing out of a long term relationship, I am totally not ready for another one just yet.. What have i done wrong???

Looking at it from his perspective:

You’ve now cancelled on him twice and been a no show once. You’ve been keen with words but not actions. Why didn’t you show on Friday like you said you would?

Oh good lord this is all ridiculous, I don't even know where to start. May I ask what age you are now?

Firstly, you were just in it for the sex as you two never seemed to talk or connect on any other level.

Secondly thinking (and then telling him) that he was the reason you never married is utterly barking mad. You don't know him - unless I've missed something - or what he's like to be in a relationship with.

Thirdly, you're older now, both of you. You don't know how his life has gone.

Finally why have you agreed to a sex only arrangement when you have all these emotions about him? And why can't you make a straightforward arrangement to meet instead of vaguely mentioning what bar you will be in?

I don't see any potential here with what you've described but if you want to explore it, the only thing to do is message somewhere you're not blocked and ask him to go on a date with you.

Sorry he is just not into you, he is just looking for sex from an old flame.

You've messed him about, your words don't match your actions, you've put a load of baggage on this relationship that doesn't really belong there, he's had enough of your shit. Usually when things don't work out when you're young and unencumbered, it was because they were never going to.

This isn't a goer. Let it be and move on.

I have no interest in relationships but do like a fwb - the drama you are bringing is so ott I could not be doing with that.

Yes you sound like you’ve led him on. Said you could see yourself marrying him then repeatedly cancelled on him and said you actually only wanted sex? I wouldn’t put up with someone treating me like that.

If this happened to you - a guy had cancelled on you twice and then on a third occasion didn't turn up to the bar as mooted, we'd be telling you to stop wasting your time.

If you're keen, you don't seem it.
You seem flaky as hell.

I have left a lot of what has happened out buy was trying to slimline the post down without great success. Sorry. We do know alot about each other past relationships, why he didnt get married and have kids, why they failed, Jobs, houses, plans for the future etc etc I'm not ready to commit to anything, due to a abusive relationship where I totally lost who I was, my confidence is absolutely shattered, never feeling good enough and I wanted to work on myself first. I'm still a hopeless romantic at heart and I don't think that will ever change but I do live in the real world and wanted to not fall head of heels straight away. Hope I'm making sense?

What?? You've been thinking about him for 20 YEARS.

You get back in touch and mess him around? Why?

You've fucked it. Too much drama. Leave him alone.

Jesus, the drama.

Why did you decide to not be in a relationship this time round? But then just have sex? But then tell him he’s the only one you wanted to marry? But then cancel twice and no show a third time.

What a mess - of your creation

Sorry but i’d have blocked you too as you seem stuck in the same behavioural patterns as you were donkeys years ago with this guy. You say you don’t want just sex then mess him about, you also say in your posts you’re not looking for any commitment - so what is he supposed to do? Wait about and service the romantic notions you muse about even though you don’t actually want a proper relationship?

You cancelled a meet twice and the third time said you might see him at a bar - so not even a firm plan to meet, and you still weren’t there at 10pm - and apparently hadn’t even let him know if you were planning to be there or not if he had to text you to say guess that’s that. Of course he blocked you and it’s odd you are even surprised or trying to figure out why.

He has taken all this as you aren't really interested. What would it look like to you if it was the other way around?
Cancelling twice, then a third time saying you may be at a bar he's going to, not contacting him all day, not bothering to show up at the bar, not cancelling or telling me anything about why you might not be there. What kind of messages is that kind of behaviour giving?
At his age, he's probably well over being strung along and messed about..

telling him*

Your actions don’t match your words, you’ve messed him around and contradicted yourself, I’m not surprised he’s walked away, you sound like a head f*ck as I used to say, someone who doesn’t really know what they want who will just mess you around and go hot and cold.

You think because it is just sex then you don't have to give respect to the other person, turn up when you say you're going to etc? And it sounds a bit like it .... wasn't even sex? You kept cancelling on the sex bit? You don't sound besotted and there's a few bits of the OP that don't make a lot of sense. It sounds like you have messed him about tbh, and I think most people in their 40s just aren't interested in getting messed about, the way they might have tolerated in their 20s. I would concentrate on getting over your last relationship and let this go.

I wonder if it was a nice surprise for him when you got back in touch, that maybe what you said about marriage and wanting something real with him actually really got him interested. If that were the case then to backtrack and say no just something casual for sex would have disappointed him, but he could have thought well she did say that other serious stuff, why not try and see if it can lead to something real, but then you messed him about, cancelled etc.

If that is how he feels, he may have decided to walk away to avoid getting hurt. Not an unreasonable decision for a mature guy who knows what he wants and sees that he probably won't get it.

Is that not a possible explanation?

Why contact the man you clearly think of as the long lost love of your life at a time you don't want a relationship? Is he supposed to wait another 20 years for you? I agree you sound like you expect everything from him but nothing from yourself and after a YEAR of texting and three no shows, I respect him for drawing a line under it.

Quite honestly your communication with each other sounds crap and I'd say that's a sign it's not meant to be and try to forget it. It would never work when you're trying to work out who's bought milk etc.

Side note: people who describe themselves as "hopeless romantic" usually mean "like to feel wanted more than anything" or sometimes even "will fuck over anyone in the name of 'love' i.e. getting what I want".

Id have blocked you as well. You're saying you only want sex but also didn't marry because of him and also flaked twice and didn't turn up to the bar you said you'd be at. Who has time for that?

What's the deal with being besotted with the man but not wanting a relationship as well??

All drama aside, why do you think 'just sex' means you can mess him about? Even if it is just sex, you still need to respect him and his time.

I've ended it with FWBs precisely for this kind of behaviour/attitude. Surely the whole point of 'just sex' is that it's entirely drama and stress free.

And if he is interested in more, then he's clearly decided you're not worth the mixed messages and drama.

I think, for your own sake, you need to let him and the thought of him go.

Appreciate everyone who has taken the time to post and point out where I have compleaty ###### up... totally understand about letting him down the 1st & 2nd time I did have a valid reason and he was Compleaty understanding and ok with it. The 3rd was definitely my fault and definitely lack of thought.. me thinking it would be OK to text him at 10 when I got home.. I hadn't planned to meet him that night...it was just... Will be in x later and he said he was free that night and will probably be in there later. Dies that make sense?

You need to grow up love! You simply can't treat people like that! What a flake!

I wouldn't hesitate in a getting into relationships with him in a heartbeat... that is all I have ever wanted... but I think I have over thought every text from him and got it in my head not to come on to strong sometimes I don't have a filter when I talked so have told him the truth about how i feel about him. I have kids he doesn't and thought it would be easier to just keep it to sex plus not long out of a long term abusive relationships so am actually an anxious mess... don't think I would be good in relationships yet and my the looks of things I've definitely got it all wrong....

How do I do that?

If you were 20 in 1999 you're in your 40s (like me!)

I'm sorry but "I'll be in the same bar" is dating behaviour that should be abandoned by your early 20s. No wonder he's blocked you. He doesn't want to be dicked about. Please don't try to date until you're ready to treat other people with respect.

In this post alone you contradict yourself, saying you do want a relationship with him, but then actually you don’t. Honestly OP, get some therapy for yourself and leave this man alone.