Help me understand "just sex"

[Rollymo2050]

Bit of a long back story.. so please be patient.
New years eve 1999 at the ripe old age of 20 met someone who would have an impact on me to the current day.
Back then wasn't interested in any kind of relationship was figuring out life and partying hard, very hard and definitely at the time I saw it as being tied down if I was to have a relationship.
So late News years eve ended up a party completely wasted, can't remember how we got talking but I ended up back at his place, Had the most amazing sex all night
Long, next morning totally hungover and unable to string a conversation together he drove me home ( don't think I spoke a word lol) anyway this was a start of a habit would continue until our finally kiss in bar back in 2006. I would Go out clubbing get wrecked meet up have sex then I would do a runner in the morning without saying a word. He did once tell my mums friend when we were out one night that I was just using him for sex... I was totally smitten and besotted but I never once told or if I did I can't remember
But back then I was interested was working and partying hard and didn't want any kind of relationships. I went abroad to work when I came back ended up settling down and having a baby this relationship only lasted a 2 years then I met my current ex partner, but have always felt that I had just settled, we have never married as could never imagine being his wife, never wanted to as the only person I could imagine being married to is Mr 1999! ( think I need shooting at this point 😂) Mr 1999 has always been in my thoughts, never really left them to be fair🙄. Over the years have searched social media as you do for him but never found him until last year..Bang there he was, on insta, spent days deciding to follow or not! In the end I did ( again shoot me) fast forward to present day... we have been texting for over a year until last Friday when he blocked me!!! At first I was honest and said I didn't want the relationship to be based on sex and that I wanted him in my life to get to know him properly this time ( this is the mature me) so the chatting continues, sexting did occur but later on in the year, went out twice just for coffee last time which was a few weeks ago he mentioned going to his, ( by this point we have come to the agreement that we would just have sex and not get into a relationship)
My house is off limits due to having kids at home.
Anyway I had to cancel the 1st time going round due to covid and then the second time due to family... said I was sorry and felt bad for letting him down. He said I don't seem very keen which I replied I am keen.
(He had asked months ago why I didn't marry and told the truth and said he was the only person who I could see marrying) So in my head, he should know I'm keen? Right. Anyone he was free on Friday, i didn't mention going round but did say I would probably be in the same bar as him later that night.. left it at that...then at 10pm he texts to say 'I take it that's that' then ' what's the excuse now? Before I had a chance to reply I was blocked. Wtf?? We had agreed to no relationship and it would just be having fun with sex thrown in!! The mature me wouldn't expect someone to behave like this if it was just sex? Or am I still as clueless as I was in my 20's??? Still totally smitten ^ besotted but after com ing out of a long term relationship, I am totally not ready for another one just yet.. What have i done wrong???

"I'm not ready for a relationship" because of xyz! If that's the case, you should not have been seeking him out on social media, then texting for over a year and finally meeting (sounds like your ex abusive relationship ended less than a year ago? )
What you are is a person with low self esteem who is looking for a man to give it you. This never works, but you have gone from one to the next and unfortunately get your esteem from this man's attentions while feeling like you have power by keeping him at bay. Once your ego is bound up with men, you have lost all power you think you have, and now you know, because he's opted out of your games now so you're going to have to suck up the ego hit.
Be on your own for a while - that includes avoiding talking to any ex's or future prospects. Build esteem yourself, there are no short cuts by hanging onto others.

Your actions don't match your words. You say you have strong feelings for him, that he's the only one you could ever marry, but then you decide on a "just sex" relationship and cancel on him multiple times. To him, you are showing you are just not into him, and that you have no respect for his time, or for him. I think he's just done with being used by you.

I don't think you can.

You have children and in your 40's and if children and age don't mature you nothing will.

You're acting like a dick and are a fantasist. Leave the poor man alone and sort out your own thought processes.

He is clearly not the love of your life in the way you want him to be. Work out why you have such a low emotional bar and work on your avoidance issues.

I'm not ready to commit to anything, due to a abusive relationship where I totally lost who I was, my confidence is absolutely shattered, never feeling good enough and I wanted to work on myself first.

Do this then - sort yourself out. Don't keep messing this guy around because you haven't got your own head straight. And accept that when you have done so, he may have moved on.

You dicked him about big-time. Strung him along for a whole year just messaging, cancelled on him twice, giving it 'oh i'll be out with other people in the same place you are at some point' as opposed to just suggesting he meet you. Seriously uncommitted, flakey and immature.

How would you feel if someone you liked told you you were the only person they would have considered marrying... but then couldn't even make you half of a priority?

Even fuck buddy relationships require honest communication and basic respect for other people's time.

Hun, anyone who says "just sex" just run away from them, I would stay 50 miles away from them or more miles away if you're lucky and I'm asexual so no means no.

It sounds like something else is going on with you than just immaturity. From what you have written, your head sounds like a very, very busy place indeed and it doesn’t sound like you have much rest from the thoughts going around in it. Add insecurity into the mix and it might explain the disconnect between what you say you want and your actions. Has anyone suggested that you might have ADD, I am not saying you have ADD and I am not qualified to diagnose it but you do sound like you struggle (wouldn’t anyone) with the constant noise in your head.

Give yourself a break from men and relationships for a while and invest in finding out why you are who you are. How do you do that? I’m not entirely sure but I think you should seriously think about a therapist who can support you in your journey.

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'How do i do that'

I'd agree with therapy. And be aware that there may be all sorts of feelings about the relationship with the therapist. That's the point.

The slight difficulty is that you're also at risk of picking badly with therapy. I'd look for a group of therapists who practice together. You should be able to have feelings about the therapy and the therapist, talk about them and deal with them in the session, so that you learn how to do that in other relationships.

I'm not the best person to advise since my love life is a MESS.

But I think he thinks your not really in to it, wanting an ego boost, avoidant or on the hard to read spectrum.

I don't think you should give up though. You've wanted him for years, it's on your mind. Go get him!! A gesture is needed to proove your interest.

Good for him.

Sorry but you're bit about the bar makes no sense at all, unless I'm missing something?
WTF didn't you just go to meet him that night?
You were a total flake towards him and then wonder why he's had enough?

Hun, anyone who says "just sex" just run away from them

Why? Arrangements that are ‘just sex’ can be very fulfilling, great fun and drama free. One just needs to choose wisely and behave with decency, honesty and integrity, unfortunately for the man in question the op hasn’t managed the latter.

You went running into the arms of your long lost flame, then held him at arms length despite declaring he was the guy of your dreams.
If he was The One why on earth did you reel him into your life before you were ready to share what you hoped for with him.
All you've done is piss him off and changed his nostalgic memories into an aversion for your migraine inducing mixed messages.
Even if you wanted 'just sex' until you were ready for more, that should have been fuss free, what's the point in a no strings relationship if it is more hassle than an actual relationship.
Think you've likely burnt your bridges but you could have an epiphany and request understanding and forgiveness if you get chance just as one last effort I suppose.

You sound like you've preemptively decided 'just sex' because with no discussion you've decided already your situation would be a problem for him? So you've basically avoided vulnerability in order to not be rejected? You need to put your big girl pants on and say plainly what you want in future. Telling someone you didnt marry bevause of them isn't the message you think it is when you're also doing your damndest to undermine that message with your actions.