I don’t understand how they could do this to me.

[TeenageDirtbaggage]

I’ve Nc for this because it’s very outing and I don’t want it to be linked to other posts.

I woke up from a random dream about my teenage years yesterday and just started sobbing with rage. I’ll try to keep it brief or it’ll be really boring for people.

When I was 17 I ‘moved in’ with my boyfriend and his parents. Home wasn’t a great place to be, lots and lots of arguments and much younger siblings who were prioritised.

I stayed there for about a year. In that time my parents moved house; to a bigger house in a different town. My three siblings had a bedroom each, I wasn’t allocated one.

When they boyfriend inevitably dumped me (because we were teenagers and never going to be together forever), I was allowed to move in with my family at the new house. But I wasn’t even allowed to share a bedroom, I had to sleep on the horrible thin sofa bed and live out of a suitcase.

I got a job in the local pub but wasn’t allowed a front door key. So I’d have to ring the doorbell at midnight. One night I came home and my stuff was in bin bags on the front step. I stayed at a friends that night and then next day my mother told me she couldn’t have me there any more, I was disturbing my younger siblings and her with my late night lifestyle; so I’d have to leave. I was 18 and I’d been there about three weeks.

I then spent over a year sofa surfing and sleeping rough. It was awful. I got into drugs, and often traded sex for food/a bed. I called home on Christmas Eve when I had exhausted all options for that night to be told I’d ‘made my bed and had to lie in it’. I spent that night sleeping rough.

I eventually got out of the situation by doing a residential volunteering job 300 miles away. Unfortunately I then got involved with an abusive man who I married. Had two children by my early twenties. I escaped him and moved home and to my parents credit I lived with them for a few months and they helped me with a deposit to rent a flat. But they did that more for my kids than me, I suspect I’d have had no help otherwise.

I have some quite severe MH issues (bpd diagnoses later amended to Bipolar 2) and I’m very sure this was triggered by the trauma of my period of homelessness and abuse.

It’s not something I usually dwell on. I have a great life now, wonderful husband, the kids are adults and thriving, I have a great job which I enjoy.

DD now is doing a very similar thing, practically living with her boyfriend. I just can’t imagine moving house without her, let alone seeing her out on the street.

I just think, what chance did I have? My sister had the luxury of living at home to save for a mortgage, my much younger siblings were both given hefty deposits (same parents btw). My mother in particular is very critical of my lifestyle, and I’ve largely gone very low contact, no big announcements, I’ve just pulled back a bit.

I popped in to see my sister the other day and my entire family were there for Sunday lunch. That stung a bit. I just feel like they have always judged me for my choices in life but actually I didn’t have many choices. It was only in my late twenties that I started to make any good decisions and now in my forties I have qualifications, own a house, have a career. They take the piss out of me for this all the time, my sister in particular because I’m not a high earner. But how, at 18, with no money and no home was I supposed to do ANYTHING with my life? It’s hard to hold down a job when you have nowhere to sleep (believe me I tried) and you can’t rent anywhere without money. It was even really hard to claim benefits when you are No Fixed Abode. It was fucked up.

I clawed my way out of homelessness but was left fucked up and vulnerable and I’m just so angry about it now, I’ve always blamed myself but now I have kids the same sort of age it’s really hitting home. I mean, my DD in particular can be vile to me, she’s even stolen from me. My worst behaviour was coming home late from work ffs.

How can I get over this anger? It’s like it’s suddenly hit me and I keep rage crying about.

Shit, that’s long. I appreciate anyone who wades through that pity party. Just needed to get it out there I think.

TL;DR

• My parents threw me out at 18 and knew I was living rough.
• This led to a decade of sketchy living and bad choices which up until now I blamed myself for
• They judge me a lot for these choices despite now being reasonably successful
• I can’t imagine doing that to either of my young adult kids
• I’m really fucking angry; help me deal with these emotions.

Have you ever spoken at length about where you were living etc to your siblings?

Id be a bit more upfront and say ‘so you think being homeless is funny?’ Etc

Sometimes you need to call them out on shit behaviour! And an all family Sunday lunch - fuckers

I wish I could help you Op but it’s only at the age of 64:that I’m starting to let my reality when young come to the front of my mind and deal with it.

it’s not fair that you had such a bloody awful time of it and without doubt you were let down by your family, and still are, and I hope that one day you get the peace of heart and mind that you so deserve. 💐

First off OP, I think you should be immensely proud of yourself for pulling yourself up out of the situation you were in and building a new life and career for yourself. That's an incredible achievement given your circumstances.

I too can't imagine not allowing my DD to return home, or forcing her to live the way you were, I just couldn't do it. You will have learned so much from your parent's mistakes and, should your own DD split from her BF, hopefully you'll welcome her back into the heart of the family.

Is your DD still quite young? If so she's maybe going through one of these know-it-all, stages, where parents are an irritant and can do no right. Did you get to the bottom of why she felt it necessary to steal from you?

To the present, something has awoken these memories and brought them to the surface. It sounds as though you've buried your feelings for a long time and perhaps some counselling would help, where you can talk to a professional about your younger years and make sense of everything?

As far as your family goes, if they're excluding you and belittling you then go lower contact. You owe them nothing and their behaviour will only pull you down.

What were the circumstances leading up to you getting a BPD diagnosis? It's quite an extreme diagnosis - usually associated with behaviour that is persistently difficult for others to put up with.

You were very young. Sometimes parents see their eldest child as older than they really are, and can be protective of younger siblings at the expense of the older one.

As an adult - you have permission to only maintain the relationships that support you.

Oh I am so sorry. I have nothing useful to add.

I was similarly kicked out at 17 (slightly different but broadly the same) and I picked the wrong man.

It's only now in my late 40s/early 50s that I'm in a good place.

My mum is dead and was so negative all the time she was alive. I don't see my dad.

I'm autistic and I've struggled with that alone.

Nothing useful to this. Just. I'm sorry.

Thank you all.

BPD diagnosis was in my thirties after a serious suicide attempt. I have a history of self harm. That was enough for a diagnosis. I went to two years of group therapy and we were all so very different from each other, the only thing linking us was trauma, suicide attempts and a diagnosis. I think BPD is a meaningless term and every one I’ve ever met with the diagnosis has a history of trauma/abuse.

It’s not an extreme diagnosis in my opinion, I was diagnosed after a half an hour conversation with a psychiatrist in hospital.

Honestly, I think maintaining a relationship with your family will only be detrimental to your mental health. I don't think I would have the motivation to want to repair a relationship with people who let me live on the streets.

Have you ever sought counselling for what you went through?

Also big hugs to those of you who had similar experiences.

There is no point addressing it with my family, they have manipulated the narrative for years now and blame me entirely. My mother refuses to acknowledge that she made me leave, my dad does though. She maintains that I left home. Their narrative (hers mainly) is that I was and am an awful person with dreadful behaviours. She can never tell me what exactly I did that was so awful though. As an adult it’s that I don’t clean my house enough and like to go out and socialise.

You'd be well within your rights to just coldly inform you sister or whoever is taking the piss: "Yeah being kicked out as a kid made life more difficult than it needed to be. I'm lucky I survived homelessness."

And frankly, nothing wrong with just telling your parents: "DD is now the same age I was when you kicked me out and made me homeless as a vulnerable young woman. I can't imagine doing that to her. I'm going to take some space for a while."

I had similar, and now I'm more successful than any of them.

Sorry, cut off! I meant to add, ... more successful, but still get the snorts and ey-rolls. Honestly, I'd rather just have nothing to do with them.

Dear OP. What a story, and what a hero you are to yourself and for your own family - the one you made yourself.
Sometimes it is best to go NC with a toxic family - not out of anger or revenge, or anything negative, but because you need to protect yourself. If you do so you will feel a lot better because you are putting your needs for validation of yourself first, rather than thinking of your parental family members who belittle and hurt and invalidate you. If these people are not good enough for you and to you, then leave them behind - the sense of freedom and peace you will have is indescribable. Do it with positivity not negativity and do it for your psychological survival. There is a painful sense of loss at first but it gets a lot easier with time. You need help to deal with the anger you are bound to have towards your family. Have you had any therapy? I wish I could give you a huge hug.

Many parents (many of whom seem to be MNers) believe that once you get to 16/17/18 you’re an adult and need to fend for yourself.
I will never understand this mindset and I judge anyone who thinks this way.

I do think therapy would be good for you.

The only positive that has come out of this is it’s made you the person you are today and more than likely made you a much better person and parent for it.

So although I don’t know how you can let go of your anger or ever get over what they did, but if I were you I would always be proud of myself and how far I’ve come.

I’d never be going near anyone in that ducking awful family ever afain

btw I was given a bipolar diagnosis when I was having a breakdown in my 30s. Also bipolar 2. was clearly a misdiagnosis and I have complex ptsd from childhood trauma. As far as I can see it’s a misdiagnosis that often happens where there is childhood trauma. Might not make a difference to you and your treatment- but something to think about it.

honestly op. Fuck em. They can crack on with their cost toxic family and you can have your lovely life having nothing to do with them

That’s really not true. BPD is often diagnosed in traumatised women - and OP certainly has childhood trauma from the terrible way her parents treated her. Complex PTSD is often mistaken for BPD. Pretty much everyone with a BPD diagnosis has childhood trauma. It sounds like OP was diagnosed with BPD in adulthood, and frankly after that childhood it’s no wonder she has lasting effects of trauma.

It worth adding that when she was 14, my sister (year younger than me) went out and got drunk and was brought home by the police. She screamed blue murder about going home and said they would hit her, so she was taken into foster care for two years. At that time I was a model child, I was academic and didn’t drink or cause any trouble. When she used to come home for weekends I was told to make sure I didn’t wind her up (we used to bicker horribly) or upset her.

When she eventually came home I went a bit off the rails, I was just 17, quit A levels and moved in with the boyfriend. I think I was looking for some of the same attention but they couldn’t care less about me moving out.

When my sister took an overdose at 18 they rallied round her and got her a place at The Priory. When I took my overdose years later they told me not to be so stupid and refused to visit me in the grotty Nhs ward I was on.

TBH I think they just don’t like me all that much.

I think they just awful horrible people and it has absolutely nothing to do with your likeability

I think it's important to remember your parents are just people. They are not magical beings who have a child and suddenly all their personal issues and inadequacies disappear. Instead the issues and inadequacies remain and the child makes them feel increasingly guilty about having them. It's a vicious cycle that often leads to abuse of the child, taking things out on them, feeling not good enough but resenting the child for highlighting this even more, coupled with love for that child and guilt that you've let them down.

Then when the child gets older they can verbalise the guilt to the parents so the parents switch to defensive mode and make excuse after excuse to the child 'it was your fault' or gaslighting 'I didn't do that' or reasoning 'it could have been worse' 'you turned out okay'

And this can mind fuck the child even more, however it shouldn't because the child is thinking 'but.... these are my parents, they should be behaving differently'

Leading to feelings of inadequacy in yourself 'It was my fault, I was not good enough' etc.

But you have to realise that it doesn't matter that they're your parents, that just means they had a kid, anyone can do that, even fucked up people. And those two fucked up people, your parents, they are just two fucked up people who happened to have a kid, which unfortunately did not cure their fuckedupness.

I think this is key to getting over parental inadequacy, this expectation that they somehow shouldn't be fucked up, when most of us are.

This is a great post and really resonates. Thank you.

I do think those were different times. A lot of parenting seemed to be about ultimatums and trying to "win". My parent's control and aggression towards any attempts to break away from their way of living, made it impossible for me to live at home - my mum especially - and I married at just turned 19 to escape them - divorced three years later.

The blame for not achieving as much as you might (same here btw) is on them and I have on occasion made that quite clear to my parents. We get on well now but avoid certain flashpoints carefully.

It sounds like you're doing really well now and have broken the cycle for your own children. I know it's hard but you must find a way to stop showing your hurt at them excluding you. It sounds like there's a weird dynamic where they probably get a little subconscious kick out of seeing it and that's a dynamic that was probably laid down way back when all this was going on - the Christmas thing especially. It sounds like there's a great deal of toxicity and scapegoating going on. It does sound like you were a massive PITA during those years but you were a teenager with what sounds like clear MH issues. There's nothing that could make me throw my teen out under such circumstances and yes I do have teens.

In short grey rock them all the way and don't let them retain that emotional power over you. It's the only way.

@TeenageDirtbaggage so much of your experience resonates with my own experience. No children as I bat for the other team, bus abusive relationships, parental issues, homelessness, having finally pulled yourself back into society. I have to applaud you because I know how goddamn hard it is. I also agree with your feelings about bpd.

I am completely NC with my entire family. I felt it was the only way I could maintain my wellbeing. Whilst there were a select few I might have liked to have kept in contact with, I felt I couldn't trust them not to be manipulated by those who I didn't want contact (not a slate on them, they were practically professional manipulators).

I can't tell you why your family treated you like that because I can't truely understand anyone. I just try and remember that I am now free of them and my life is good. I'm human and some days it's harder to rationalize it, but with time (and several thousands £ of PTSD focussed therapy, if you pm me I can recommend a place) those days are now in the minority.

I think your family are just awful people. I can't imagine doing any of that to my kids.

OP I'm so sorry you went through this, but you you should be so proud of what you've achieved.

@gotelltheoldmandowntheroad makes a good point.

My DH had a similar experience with his mum - she only, finally (and very briefly) acknowledged this in a phone call two weeks ago, as she's got some serious health problems now - it was a bit of a milestone for him.

Sending you a virtual hug. To quote something a doctor said to me at age 10, for every mean person there are at least three nice ones, and I think he was right

I was listening to a talk just the other day by a Professor of Psychiatry who specializes in personality disorders and she said many people are mistakenly diagnosed with BPD before being re-diagnosed with Bi Polar disorder some time later.