Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don’t understand how they could do this to me.

63 replies

TeenageDirtbaggage · 09/08/2022 14:37

I’ve Nc for this because it’s very outing and I don’t want it to be linked to other posts.

I woke up from a random dream about my teenage years yesterday and just started sobbing with rage. I’ll try to keep it brief or it’ll be really boring for people.

When I was 17 I ‘moved in’ with my boyfriend and his parents. Home wasn’t a great place to be, lots and lots of arguments and much younger siblings who were prioritised.

I stayed there for about a year. In that time my parents moved house; to a bigger house in a different town. My three siblings had a bedroom each, I wasn’t allocated one.

When they boyfriend inevitably dumped me (because we were teenagers and never going to be together forever), I was allowed to move in with my family at the new house. But I wasn’t even allowed to share a bedroom, I had to sleep on the horrible thin sofa bed and live out of a suitcase.

I got a job in the local pub but wasn’t allowed a front door key. So I’d have to ring the doorbell at midnight. One night I came home and my stuff was in bin bags on the front step. I stayed at a friends that night and then next day my mother told me she couldn’t have me there any more, I was disturbing my younger siblings and her with my late night lifestyle; so I’d have to leave. I was 18 and I’d been there about three weeks.

I then spent over a year sofa surfing and sleeping rough. It was awful. I got into drugs, and often traded sex for food/a bed. I called home on Christmas Eve when I had exhausted all options for that night to be told I’d ‘made my bed and had to lie in it’. I spent that night sleeping rough.

I eventually got out of the situation by doing a residential volunteering job 300 miles away. Unfortunately I then got involved with an abusive man who I married. Had two children by my early twenties. I escaped him and moved home and to my parents credit I lived with them for a few months and they helped me with a deposit to rent a flat. But they did that more for my kids than me, I suspect I’d have had no help otherwise.

I have some quite severe MH issues (bpd diagnoses later amended to Bipolar 2) and I’m very sure this was triggered by the trauma of my period of homelessness and abuse.

It’s not something I usually dwell on. I have a great life now, wonderful husband, the kids are adults and thriving, I have a great job which I enjoy.

DD now is doing a very similar thing, practically living with her boyfriend. I just can’t imagine moving house without her, let alone seeing her out on the street.

I just think, what chance did I have? My sister had the luxury of living at home to save for a mortgage, my much younger siblings were both given hefty deposits (same parents btw). My mother in particular is very critical of my lifestyle, and I’ve largely gone very low contact, no big announcements, I’ve just pulled back a bit.

I popped in to see my sister the other day and my entire family were there for Sunday lunch. That stung a bit. I just feel like they have always judged me for my choices in life but actually I didn’t have many choices. It was only in my late twenties that I started to make any good decisions and now in my forties I have qualifications, own a house, have a career. They take the piss out of me for this all the time, my sister in particular because I’m not a high earner. But how, at 18, with no money and no home was I supposed to do ANYTHING with my life? It’s hard to hold down a job when you have nowhere to sleep (believe me I tried) and you can’t rent anywhere without money. It was even really hard to claim benefits when you are No Fixed Abode. It was fucked up.

I clawed my way out of homelessness but was left fucked up and vulnerable and I’m just so angry about it now, I’ve always blamed myself but now I have kids the same sort of age it’s really hitting home. I mean, my DD in particular can be vile to me, she’s even stolen from me. My worst behaviour was coming home late from work ffs.

How can I get over this anger? It’s like it’s suddenly hit me and I keep rage crying about.

Shit, that’s long. I appreciate anyone who wades through that pity party. Just needed to get it out there I think.

OP posts:
Blowthemandown · 10/08/2022 01:02

@TeenageDirtbaggage don’t give any of them a penny. Simply say, you’re following Uncle’s wishes and as a result you don’t expect a penny of inheritance from them in return, not least because they clearly want to make some crazy point. It takes two sides to argue so just walk away and, for the sake of your self, forgive. Forgiving does NOT mean it’s not their fault, it just means closing a door on it and getting rid of the anger/desire for vengeance. Then go NC. They don’t want to make this right, they just want someone to blame. Don’t be that someone. Wishing you all the best.

lovelyboneslove · 10/08/2022 01:14

Have you asked them why they chucked you out? What led up to it? What your behaviour was like etc
I'm not in any way blaming you.
Just how we view things as a teenager may be very different to what was happening.
I know that when I was teenager I was awful. However I never really realised this until I had my own kids.
When I look back now at my attitude, my behaviour etc I can understand why my parents acted the way they did.

Have you sat down and talked with your parents? Can you go to counselling to talk it through.

As they say there is always 3 sides to a story. Your truth, their truth and the actual
truth.

They need to hear your side and you need to hear theirs.

Geppili · 10/08/2022 02:41

You are the scapegoat in your narcissistic family system

exnewwifeproblems · 10/08/2022 06:09

Blowthemandown · 10/08/2022 01:02

@TeenageDirtbaggage don’t give any of them a penny. Simply say, you’re following Uncle’s wishes and as a result you don’t expect a penny of inheritance from them in return, not least because they clearly want to make some crazy point. It takes two sides to argue so just walk away and, for the sake of your self, forgive. Forgiving does NOT mean it’s not their fault, it just means closing a door on it and getting rid of the anger/desire for vengeance. Then go NC. They don’t want to make this right, they just want someone to blame. Don’t be that someone. Wishing you all the best.

Have I missed a post somewhere ?

Original poster
TeenageDirtbaggage · 10/08/2022 06:20

Blowthemandown · 10/08/2022 01:02

@TeenageDirtbaggage don’t give any of them a penny. Simply say, you’re following Uncle’s wishes and as a result you don’t expect a penny of inheritance from them in return, not least because they clearly want to make some crazy point. It takes two sides to argue so just walk away and, for the sake of your self, forgive. Forgiving does NOT mean it’s not their fault, it just means closing a door on it and getting rid of the anger/desire for vengeance. Then go NC. They don’t want to make this right, they just want someone to blame. Don’t be that someone. Wishing you all the best.

Wrong thread?

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenageDirtbaggage · 10/08/2022 06:29

lovelyboneslove · 10/08/2022 01:14

Have you asked them why they chucked you out? What led up to it? What your behaviour was like etc
I'm not in any way blaming you.
Just how we view things as a teenager may be very different to what was happening.
I know that when I was teenager I was awful. However I never really realised this until I had my own kids.
When I look back now at my attitude, my behaviour etc I can understand why my parents acted the way they did.

Have you sat down and talked with your parents? Can you go to counselling to talk it through.

As they say there is always 3 sides to a story. Your truth, their truth and the actual
truth.

They need to hear your side and you need to hear theirs.

That’s just it though, as a parent myself to a ‘difficult’ teenager who lies, steals, trashes my house, lives mostly at her boyfriends and generally treats me like the enemy; I can’t understand how my own parents turned their backs on me for so much less bad behaviour.

Ive spent my entire adult life feeling like it was my fault and just recently started thinking that actually I had no chance at a normal life because they cut me off when I needed them the most. I really wasn’t that badly behaved past the usual teenage parameters.

OP posts:
exnewwifeproblems · 10/08/2022 06:36

It wasn't your fault @TeenageDirtbaggage

You were a child. They clearly had issues but their issues are not yours to fix.

Honestly I think therapy for all of this would be helpful and I'm surprised that none of the therapists you've previously seen have explored this.

Be kind to yourself. (God I hate that phrase but it's appropriate here!)

Spidey66 · 10/08/2022 06:38

I'm a community mental health nurse and I don't think BPD (or Emotionally Unstable PD, as its now known) is an extreme diagnosis. It's common in people like the OP who have had traumatic childhoods. I'm another who thinks the diagnosis in many sufferers should be changed to CPTSD, as I think that describes the cause and symptoms much more effectively.

Dacquoise · 10/08/2022 08:07

TeenageDirtbaggage · 10/08/2022 06:29

That’s just it though, as a parent myself to a ‘difficult’ teenager who lies, steals, trashes my house, lives mostly at her boyfriends and generally treats me like the enemy; I can’t understand how my own parents turned their backs on me for so much less bad behaviour.

Ive spent my entire adult life feeling like it was my fault and just recently started thinking that actually I had no chance at a normal life because they cut me off when I needed them the most. I really wasn’t that badly behaved past the usual teenage parameters.

Show quote history

Therapy is very useful to examine and reframe what actually happened in your childhood and who is actually responsible for the things that happened. Like you I spent a lot of my adult life feeling responsible for my awful childhood hut it wasn't my shame to carry. It belonged firmly with my mother and her untreated mental health issues andcthe rest of the family who enabled her.

I am wondering if your current issues with your daughter is triggering memories of how you were treated and your anger is a reaction (completely valid) to the injustice of it? Also some sadness in there too.

I honestly don't think you will get any answers or validation from your family origin. They would have to acknowledge that they're abusive monsters wouldn't they and it's not how dysfunction like this works

Therapy has been wonderful for me particularly in shedding the shame I was carrying. Like you, I can't see that I did anything to warrant the treatment I received, yet I grew up thinking I was bad and mad because I was told by everyone that I was. It led me to develop severe anxiety when I finally got the courage to get out.

You have been brainwashed by your family @TeenageDirtbaggage . You are not the fiend they want you to be and as you have proved you're smart and resilient. Why waste your talents and essential worthiness chasing validation from these people? The bonus with being the scapegoat is you get to escape and also you get to rewrite the rules of family. It won't be the same with your daughter. 💐

numberthirtytwowindsorgardens · 10/08/2022 20:40

HotWashCycle · 09/08/2022 15:25

Dear OP. What a story, and what a hero you are to yourself and for your own family - the one you made yourself.
Sometimes it is best to go NC with a toxic family - not out of anger or revenge, or anything negative, but because you need to protect yourself. If you do so you will feel a lot better because you are putting your needs for validation of yourself first, rather than thinking of your parental family members who belittle and hurt and invalidate you. If these people are not good enough for you and to you, then leave them behind - the sense of freedom and peace you will have is indescribable. Do it with positivity not negativity and do it for your psychological survival. There is a painful sense of loss at first but it gets a lot easier with time. You need help to deal with the anger you are bound to have towards your family. Have you had any therapy? I wish I could give you a huge hug. Flowers

Oh, OP, this. Every wise, compassionate word of it.

You have done so well. I hope you can feel the pride in you coming off these strangers! Be kind to yourself Flowers

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 10/08/2022 22:49

BeenHereForYonkyDoodles · 09/08/2022 22:53

Oh OP your story is heartbreaking. They didn't deserve you.
From experience I doubt you will ever get any apology or even an acknowledgement of how they treated you. People like that rewrite history. They'll change events/reasons and turn it all on you & they'll convince each other they were always in the right. It's so fucked up. I get it. Too many of us do.
Be kind to yourself. Something has clearly triggered these memories to resurface so take time to process them, maybe talk them through with someone. Look at what you have achieved & who you are and be proud. Please distance yourself as much as possible from these toxic people.
I'm so happy your life is now happier.

I agree. OP, I hope you can forget your horrible birth family and find peace of mind with the people who love you.

LINABE · 10/08/2022 23:32

TommySaid · 09/08/2022 15:26

Many parents (many of whom seem to be MNers) believe that once you get to 16/17/18 you’re an adult and need to fend for yourself.
I will never understand this mindset and I judge anyone who thinks this way.

I do think therapy would be good for you.

The only positive that has come out of this is it’s made you the person you are today and more than likely made you a much better person and parent for it.

So although I don’t know how you can let go of your anger or ever get over what they did, but if I were you I would always be proud of myself and how far I’ve come.

THIS.

StellaGibson2022 · 10/08/2022 23:50

TeenageDirtbaggage · 09/08/2022 15:29

It worth adding that when she was 14, my sister (year younger than me) went out and got drunk and was brought home by the police. She screamed blue murder about going home and said they would hit her, so she was taken into foster care for two years. At that time I was a model child, I was academic and didn’t drink or cause any trouble. When she used to come home for weekends I was told to make sure I didn’t wind her up (we used to bicker horribly) or upset her.

When she eventually came home I went a bit off the rails, I was just 17, quit A levels and moved in with the boyfriend. I think I was looking for some of the same attention but they couldn’t care less about me moving out.

When my sister took an overdose at 18 they rallied round her and got her a place at The Priory. When I took my overdose years later they told me not to be so stupid and refused to visit me in the grotty Nhs ward I was on.

TBH I think they just don’t like me all that much.

I haven’t read the full thread but will but this post has made me really angry on your behalf. I’m also the eldest and was also ‘badly’ behaved.

OP - I don’t say this lightly but I think you might have a better chance healing and self love and care if you don’t see them. You have been through awful trauma and they are horrible to you.

This isn’t you, this is them. Truly. They sound unloving and it’s awful. Use the energy that is wasted trying to understand them to take care of yourself and what is important to you. You’ve made it against the odds and with no support. Be proud of yourself and let that push you forward.

💐

New posts on this thread. Refresh page