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Original poster

His ex wife slept in his bed (not with him)

31 replies

PrettyPony89 · 09/08/2022 07:26

My boyfriend and his ex wife are in the process of selling the family home which they both still live in.

She has a long term boyfriend.

He and I met 18 mths after they split up.

I have no concerns about them wanting to be together or anything like that.

When he and I went back to his this weekend to look after the children, it turns out she had helped herself to sleeping in his bed while he was at mine. She slept there with their daughter, and left her things there.

My boyfriend was clearly surprised but said things like, she is taking the piss, and, no point getting stressed about this, it will soon be over. I said very little except queried her boundaries, to which he said, she has none. I doubt very much that he has said anything to his ex about it.

However I feel quite strange about this. I sleep in this bed on the weekends my boyfriend has his kids. When I first stayed there, my boyfriend reassured me saying that his room had been his room alone for well over a year. I felt like some sort of mistress seeing her stuff there this past weekend (and I was nothing to do with their divorce- we didn't even know each other existed).

I am wondering if I am overreacting? I haven't said anything to my boyfriend but am wondering if I don't sleep there and wait til he has his own place. At one level this seems unfair as my boyfriend didn't know she was going to do this, but, honestly, I find it so icky.

Advice welcomed re the musical beds.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Dozycuntlaters · 09/08/2022 07:30

You're way over thinking this total
Non issue. It's the family home, she can sleep in whatever room she pleases. Obviously make sure the bedding is changed but not wanting to stay there seems very odd.

MakeadealwithGod · 09/08/2022 07:33

Where does she normally sleep? Where does she go when you visit him as you say she actually lives there?

It’s possible of course that they live as a couple.

Original poster
PrettyPony89 · 09/08/2022 07:40

To answer questions...

She has her own room. (Single bed and I am assuming this is why she headed to his).

She goes to her boyfriend's the weekends she does not have the children. They do alternate weekends.

OP posts:
ILikeHotWaterBottles · 09/08/2022 07:46

Sounds quite odd behaviour from her if she's never done this before. But did she maybe sleep in the double bed with her daughter because the daughter was sick or had a bad dream? It seems odd to suddenly be trying to show she is still a feature in his life if she's had no issue with you until now. Unless she's getting cold feet about the whole thing, but still odd. Think it was more for the child's sake.

Hillrunning · 09/08/2022 07:55

I think you are over reacting massively. They still share the house and share their children. Presumably she wanted to spend the night with DD and so obviously chose the larger bed rather than struggling in a single.

Sure it would have been more polite for her to remove any items and change the sheets but I don't think this 'lacks boundaries' at all.

Leobynature · 09/08/2022 07:57

what a strange set up and how utterly confusing for the kids. Their separated parents live together full time. Their mom goes away some weekends to see her boyfriend whilst their dads girlfriend sleeps with him in his bed.

And this was the only suitable arrangement they could come up with in 18 months

MakeadealwithGod · 09/08/2022 08:22

It is an odd set up and not sustainable. How long until the house is sold? What about the divorce?

BarrelOfOtters2 · 09/08/2022 08:26

Get used to this sort of stuff if you are in it for the long term. She doesn’t just disappear when they get divorced. You’ll have birthdays weddings christening’s Christmas etc to navigate. Her sleeping in a more comfortable bed in her own home..meh.

girlmom21 · 09/08/2022 08:26

She slept in his bed because he presumably has a double and she needed to share with her DD.

You sleeping in his bed in their marital home is much weirder.

Threelittlelambs · 09/08/2022 08:30

I agree, the DD may have had nightmares or couldn’t sleep, and a late night decision to go in dads bed was made so all could get some sleep.

If you don’t like it, stay away until he has his own home.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 09/08/2022 08:36

It's still her home. She slept in it with the child, an adult and child in a single is uncomfortable. If it bothers you, don't stay round there.

You sleeping in his bed in their marital home is much weirder.

I agree with this. She hasn't left the home, she's actually entitled to sleep there. You are a guest.

weekendninja · 09/08/2022 08:38

That's odd behaviour. I'd rather sleep on a bed of nails than in my EXDH bed.

I think what would be crossing my mind is how often she is using the bed and if your DP is ever in it with her. It just seem really familiar.

If the house us a shared space with her, I'd stay away until she cannot cross the threshold.

MrsMontyD · 09/08/2022 08:40

I agree the whole set up is weird and must be difficult for the dc. You've accepted the situation and got involved with it, it's a bit late to be taking about boundaries.

Onlyrainbows · 09/08/2022 08:40

Very odd set-up and confusing for everyone involved.

Cornflakegirll · 09/08/2022 08:40

She looked after her child in a larger bed in HER home?

I really am struggling to understand why this bothers you.

TommySaid · 09/08/2022 08:40

You sleeping in his bed in their marital home is much weirder.

I agree.

Where are the kids in all this?

TommySaid · 09/08/2022 08:42

How long have you been together and how long have they been split up?

arethereanyleftatall · 09/08/2022 08:42

girlmom21 · 09/08/2022 08:26

She slept in his bed because he presumably has a double and she needed to share with her DD.

You sleeping in his bed in their marital home is much weirder.

Absolutely this! Both bits are exactly what i was thinking.
It's totally normal for a parent to choose the appropriate bed for a situation in a house they live in!

toobusytothink · 09/08/2022 08:45

It’s actually not an odd set up. It is called “nesting”. The kids stay in the home and the parents take it on turns to be there. I’ve been with my OH for 3 1/2 years and he died it with his ex (who has a bf of 3 years). They are never ever there at the same time as when one is there the other stays with their OH. Works well. But my OH has his own room and so does his ex and in response to your question I wouldn’t like it if she slept in his bed… but it sounds as though she probably needed to share with her dd rather than anything else. Just rude of her not to change sheets etc

arethereanyleftatall · 09/08/2022 08:46

People saying it's confusing for the children - it happens quite often I think. Did for us. It took 2 years to sort divorce and consent papers. (Covid times, ie 'we are are experiencing higher than usual volumes and will get back to you next month' ). It made more financial sense to keep as much money in the pot as possible to split and purchase two houses, rather than waste money on two years rent etc

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2022 08:46

Is this a form of bird nesting? I would assume the ideal in this situation is they stay with their partner when not with the children

IncompleteSenten · 09/08/2022 08:48

I wouldn't sleep in a single bed in my own home if there was an empty double bed.

Cheminaufaules · 09/08/2022 09:24

Cornflakegirll · 09/08/2022 08:40

She looked after her child in a larger bed in HER home?

I really am struggling to understand why this bothers you.

This.

MILLYmo0se · 09/08/2022 09:32

toobusytothink · 09/08/2022 08:45

It’s actually not an odd set up. It is called “nesting”. The kids stay in the home and the parents take it on turns to be there. I’ve been with my OH for 3 1/2 years and he died it with his ex (who has a bf of 3 years). They are never ever there at the same time as when one is there the other stays with their OH. Works well. But my OH has his own room and so does his ex and in response to your question I wouldn’t like it if she slept in his bed… but it sounds as though she probably needed to share with her dd rather than anything else. Just rude of her not to change sheets etc

And did the parents partners come to stay in the family home during their stint of caring for the children alone? Thats the part Im a bit befuddled by
OP if she shared with her child thats reasonable, odd she didnt change sheets but maybe she intended to and got sidetracked.

youlightupmyday · 09/08/2022 09:37

We 'nested' for just over 2 years. Never, ever had a new girl/ boyfriend over. That would have been fucking weird.