He told me something last night

[Scorpio8]

My partner and I been together since 2018. He told me once that he and his daughters mother lost a baby. The same which happened to me too. I haven't really gone into details of my past as there's still a lot he doesn't know. I won't as it's my past and it's gone.

I'm pregnant and we were laying in bed. He said something just like out of the blue. To be honest didn't actually say much on it just listened to him.
He said no one knows this but my ex and I decided to terminate the first pregnancy and even with my daughter but don't think she wanted too. It was because he wasn't working. Then they had a stillborn and I only said that's sad. He said to me I would of had 3 children 2 boys and girl.

For me it's a bit of a shock but just like wow where did all this come from. Not sure why he opened up like that. I haven't told him the full truth on my first pregnancy as I was young and actually was in a pickle. But he knows I had lost my first.

I said to him you must think you got a new wife here now. I mean I couldn't conceive up until I had laparoscopy in May. Even sex feels weird now but it's like he said your like a new a woman actually feel the same.

I don't feel angry because I haven't told him all my past stuff. But I feel a type of way like wow. I'm learning something new each day about him.

Has your partner/husband just totally come out with something from their past that shocked you?

It's obviously something that's bothered him and he's needed to speak about it as you're pregnant and having a baby together now. He's probably scared and worried.

I'm surprised neither of you have discussed these things in the past 4 years - particularly you as you're asked whether you've had previous pregnancies when you go to your booking appointment.

It sounds like it has affected you quite a lot and you're not sure how you feel? Why are you surprised he opened up to you? Do you not talk about stuff from the past a lot? And why did you ask if "you must think you've got a new wife now". Is it because you didn't get pregnant easily?

The pregnancy has triggered this private moment. Maybe he felt guilty at what happened, or just reflecting on all the previous pregnancies he experienced. I’m guessing he was quite young when it happened. He’s trusting you with this information, so that’s a good thing.

I don't understand the bit about new woman and why you feel weird about sex now.

From the bits I do understand you seem to be an extremely private person and closed off about your past, as well as his. In most 4 year relationships and in a marriage this would have been mentioned long ago and be a non issue. How can you really know a person without knowing these basic facts about them? Why hasn't this come up before?

I also don't understand the new woman bit....

The new woman bit is in relation to the laparoscopy

I really dont understand what you are struggling with. You are pregnant, he is going to have another child. So of course that will make him think about past children and decisions. Why do you find it so surprising that a man you know well enough to father your child would confide in you about his feelings towards his children? That's what partners do.

I have nonidea what you mean about having a new wife?

Couples who have been married years don’t know every single detail about each other.

Now you are pregnant it’s going to stir up emotions from the last time he was in this situation.
I’m sure it had for you too.

I’m not sure what you’re asking.

Are you feeling guilty that you haven’t told him about your situation and wondering if you should?

I think things like that can stay private if you’re not ready to talk about it but it sounds like it’s affecting you and it’s something that you’re going to keep thinking about so it may be worth getting it off your chest to him.

I'm sorry I don't understand what you are trying g to say.

Can you reword ?

You lost your first baby, he has experienced the trauma of a still birth. Both your experiences should be shared because they'll undoubtedly affect how you both handle this pregnancy.

It's ok (and healthy!) to discuss your past experiences and share your hopes and fears. It won't jinx this pregnancy, in fact it'll help you bond as a couple and understand each other better.

I think you should try to open up as he has. Congratulations by the way! And good luck

You've been together for 4 years and are having a baby together. You know you've not told him about your past but are surprised he's sharing about his. Do you think he told you because he's having doubts about having this baby or because neither of you have talked enough about the baby and relationship decisions?

Becoming parents together is usually when you have lots of chats about parenting, children and relationdhips. If you've not had them before.

It's unclear whether you lost your first baby or terminated the pregnancy or what you have told him? I wonder if youre carrying around guilt from that time or shame? He's not going to judge you if you're honest, particularly as he has gone through the experience of abortion and still birth with a partner.

Your past pregnancies will likely be discussed at pre natal appointments, it would be better to be open with him I think x

@girlmom21

I am shocked that he never told me that too. But I can't be annoyed really just a bit of a shock. With me he been wanting a baby for so long but to hear they decided to terminate their first one a bit of a shock. Because when we were trying and I couldn't conceive he must of thought that's my punishment for termination. He never asked me to terminate the pregnancy as he wouldn't because he always wanted more kids.

I do think discussing a termination is a big thing as you never know how someone else will judge it.

A partner having previously had a termination could be a dealbreaker for some. He was probably worried about how you'd react especially if you had trouble conceiving.

Sometimes people want children but the timing just isn't right.

I'm not sure he would have thought it was a punishment unless he used those words. Do you now think it was a punishment? Has this disclosure stirred up uncomfortable feelings for you?

It sounds as though he (and his partner at the time) terminated a pregnancy for valid reasons. Not being able to provide financially for a child is a mature sensible reason for an abortion in my eyes, albeit a difficult decision.

It sounds as though you had similar reasons not to continue with your first pregnancy? Why not level with him about that if you feel able to?

I'm not sure why you think he would feel "punished" for his past? Is that a religious thing? Is that perhaps how you feel about yourself?

I personally think choosing to terminate can be a very sensible, selfless decision in difficult circumstances and isn't "wrong" in an ethical sense.

@Shirley8988

It's because I kind of knew for so long that I wasn't able to conceive. Then had laparoscopy and got pregnant quite quickly so I said he must think you got new wife. Because even sex feels different.
It's just like I am learning more and more about him and even though that doesn't affect me it's like wow.
There's me thinking he got daughter with his ex and they lost a baby boy. Hearing they really had 3 like wow.
The fact he considered terminating his daughter who 14 just like a bit shocking.
I know there's probably more still I don't know. But so much still I have told him.
A heck of a lot to be honest on my part.
I am okay just shocked a bit like what next

@AlexandriasWindmill

It's because I suppose surprised he opened up last not that a man doesn't open up to his wife/partner. He does hold a lot in like I do. He often goes off for walks and I say are you okay etc. I know he thinking something.
Yesterday he went out and then I decided to go for a walk. I was a bit quiet but I do get men need time on their own but felt a bit insecure. Then I was just going to go to bed and he said about are you not going to come watch a show. After that we were fine. Then we layed in bed and he came out with that. All I can say it's been a rollercoaster but that was a moment him being open like I never seen him.
I had a pregnancy which ended in stillbirth too. I did tell him the situation I was in when I got pregnant. I haven't told him everything which he doesn't need to know that.
It's just strange for me to hear he and her decided to terminate a pregnancy with his ex. I understood why they did it.
This pregnancy made us closer but like I said it's weird. Obviously I couldn't conceive and now I can and have.
Not many family or friends know about me being pregnant so I just needed to get that off my chest.

I'm struggling to understand why you are shocked. It's normal for partners to confide stuff from the past. It's more surprising that you hadn't already had that conversation. I agree that it's up to individuals to choose what they want to tell from their past, and it's up to them to decide when they want to share that info.

What is bothering you? That they had a termination? Please be careful not to judge.

@SmileyClare

We both experienced stillbirths in the past and losing a son.

I just wondering why he just suddenly opened up and told me that. I get why they terminated the pregnancy. He always to me loves kids and for him to say that I wonder if he felt guilty. He said I would of had 3 children 2 boys and a girl.
It was a moment that we shared something personal.
I am all over the place with this pregnancy but didn't think about it until I woke up. I thought did he really tell me that. I have pregnancy worries myself and he doesn't like me saying I think something wrong. That's another thing all together.
It's stirred up more mixed feelings with everything else. With us one minute I feel close to him and then next feel he drifting apart from me. It's a mixture of things that it's stirred up.
Thanks all for your comments

I'm sorry you experienced a still birth when you were younger too

His disclosure and your pregnancy might have stirred up a lot of emotions around your own trauma which you thought were buried?
I don't know, it would probably help to open up to him. I'm guessing you both have similar fears or worries about this pregnancy which could be shared.

Being honest with each other will help you understand each other. It sounds as though you both have difficulties communicating and that can lead to misinterpreting each other's actions. E.g., you felt insecure when he was quiet and went for a walk on his own .

I feel like this might be more of a reflection of how you would feel had you had a termination, because there doesn't seem to be any reason to assume he was thinking it's a punishment. I wouldn't think that.

It seems like it's stirred up some feelings in you.

@SmileyClare
Being honest with each other will help you understand each other. It sounds as though you both have difficulties communicating and that can lead to misinterpreting each other's actions. E.g., you felt insecure when he was quiet and went for a walk on his own .

You are so right about us having difficulty communicating. I have always felt he doesn't get me and he says I don't get him too.
But lately we got closer and he opened up. He tries to keep me positive but I take it as dismissing my feelings.
It does feel different now than when we first got together.
Everything feel a little strange and sharing that was like a shock. It's just so many changes it's weird. Each time I think we drifting apart we get closer he shocks me. We have had a bit of rollercoaster.

I think it's great he's opened up to you. Although you sort of shut it down and felt "weird" or shocked he was probably looking for reassurance or something back from you.

You can always revisit that conversation. At the moment youre just second guessing how he feels.
What about going for a walk (together this time!) and attempting to share some of your past and your feelings about this pregnancy?

I struggle a bit with talking about feelings but it gets easier with practice. It's uncomfortable to make yourself vulnerable but key to being close and intimate as a couple. You have to communicate!

Someone once said to me "your husband isn't a mind reader, you have to tell him how you feel!" and it changed how I approached things.

It's also completely normal to worry about things going wrong in pregnancy, particularly after your still birth. Your partner should allow you to share those worries although it's understandable he fears those conversations with you due to his own experience.

You can speak to your midwife too or be referred for a counselling session if you're struggling (understandably) with the emotions this pregnancy has brought up x

It's also completely normal to worry about things going wrong in pregnancy, particularly after your still birth. Your partner should allow you to share those worries although it's understandable he fears those conversations with you due to his own experience.

I am really worried about the pregnancy and last night he seemed worried too. Even that comment bothering me but he he more positive than me. Anything negative you say on something he hates it. He just lost his mother and I remember saying she really not well. I was worried anyway he was like she be fine and they she passed away.
I suppose with this pregnancy trying to protect him too. Going for private scan soon and told him I don't want him there.
He like everything fine for me I can say that.
I don't mean to go on about my pregnancy that's not my thread about.
So him telling me that was a brave thing to do maybe he thought I been angry. I wasn't actually feeling anything probably didn't know what to say. He probably needed me to say something. I want to say something but once a conversation had he doesn't like going over it. But I might say I appreciate him sharing that as he didn't need to at all. I can't say why because only he knows why he didn't. Thanks for your advice. I won't keep you here all day.