Is this Selfish or reasonable

[fedupathome]

As Background I earn more than my H . He works in a supermarket doing nights and my job is now working from home where it was office based.

He hates his job but this is all he's done for 20+ years but won't apply for anything else and will expect me to do it for him.

Due to me earning more I pay for more which I don't have a problem with.

Now onto my question he's told me he wants to buy an item for his hobby that costs £700 . Insisting that it's a one off and he can treat himself as he works hard.

I have never spent so much on myself in one go. My money goes on anything the house needs or on the kids.

I've put my foot down and said as much and that I don't agree with it.
We don't have a lot of money especially in comparison to others on here.

If I had £700 spare I would save or buy something for the house etc as there's always something that needs doing but he's insisting on spending it on himself on just an item only he will benefit from.
I find it incredibly selfish.
Can I have your thoughts.

Has he got £700? If not he needs to save for it. Any big birthdays coming up?

If its a one off item I would agree working hard and never getting anything for yourself is depressing I work and have a side business and as long as I could afford it I would buy it you only live once

Does he have £700? As a one off I think it’s ok if he has the money and it sounds like he works hard.

It depends on whether he has saved up for it or would be using credit. Also whether it would impact on family spending money (holidays etc). Hobbies are important for a healthy work/life balance and good mental health particularly if you hate your job! But there should be equity in that you also get similar leisure time.

If you don't have six months living expenses in the bank then I think it's very irresponsible of him to even suggest it.

Do you have spending money for yourselves each month? Could he save up (eg spend less on his usual treats - like coffees or lunches - he can make a sandwich to take from home)? Agree a timeline on getting it (eg - if he saved £300, then maybe the rest could come as a one-off b’day present).

He has cooerced me to take out a car loan in my name that I'm still paying off for his so called dream car.
I've remortgaged the house to the tune of 20k to pay off his debts.

He doesn't have savings and throws his money away .

We replaced windows in our house recently and I paid most of it . Due to his low earnings he doesn't pay for things and it falls to me. I could never spend 700 on myself for an item that's a hobby.

We've never had a family holiday abroad due to finances .

We also have separate finances due to how he treated me when I was pregnant with our oldest. He never gave me a single penny and I mean nothing at all so I want and got myself a job when our dc was 5 months. I would pay for nappies, Milk etc out of child benefit and if I needed anything I would use that on rare occasion I literally had £0 to spend on myself. He paid food, rent etc until I got a job.

He has another hobby different that he does on a weekend. I don't get equal time away from the kids .

You've got yourself a fucking prince there haven't you? A lazy, irresponsible wanker who knows you're going to bail him out. He's acting like you're his mother!

He's horrible. What does he bring to your life besides debt, loneliness and stress? Can you leave him?

Um - ok, in light of the new info, he is massively unreasonable and I don’t know why you are with him. Surely he should clear the debt first. And no hobby if he is not pulling his weight at home. He really should not be coercing you - can you get in touch with a women’s charity?

He treats himself frequently with twice weekly takeaways that he will get for himself and sit and eat in front of us even though I've cooked. He will say he doesn't fancy whatever is I've made.

I find his behaviour selfish I never bought a takeaway just for myself and eaten it in front of my family.

I've started a fuck off fund I'm putting aside a small amount to allow me to get away.

This is why I asked what people would think he doesn't contribute fairly and I don't get £700 to spend on me and I also couldn't justify it.

I said if you have a spare £700 that can go on a family holiday but he doesn't want to waste his money, but if I paid would happily come . Or it can go on an over payment on the mortgage but no he wants to treat himself .

He threatens to quit his job frequently and tries to blackmail me with it saying he will quit if I carry on doing something he doesn't want to do for example in this case saying I don't think he should spend that much on his hobby item.

I think you'd have a better life without this grabby, lazy fucker. Doesn't sound like he brings anything to the table.

After seeing your second post, it's a no from me. My dh has an expensive hobby BUT he makes sure I get down time to match the time he spends on his hobby AND we put all our money in one pot and he's got a very generous attitude towards money, so if we can afford it and I want something nice for myself, he'll encourage me to get it or surprise me with it himself.

Sounds like your dh was financially abusive towards you when you were at your most vulnerable, does nothing to improve his earning potential, spluffs what money he has got, is selfish with his time in taking time to himself for hobbies but not affording you the same. So no, I wouldn't be generous on this occasion, I'd be telling him that him having the brass balls to ask for £700 has made me rethink our relationship and if he doesn't start spending more responsibility, attempting to find new work and giving me equal 'me' time - he can leave!

I haven't got any family so no where to go if I left. This is why I started a savings account in my name after reading about it on here.

Once I have enough to pay a couple of month's rent I can try to look at leaving.

I find him so incredibly selfish . He justifies his behaviour on his job saying he can be selfish as he's working in a manual job doing nights which he hates.

He won't apply for anything else and expects me to do it. I did it in the past but it never got anywhere and I don't want to have to sit and job hunt and apply for jobs for him.

I just don't want to be taken for a mug anymore. I pay for 90% of anything the kids need such as uniform, clothes etc. His answer is he doesn't have to as I get child benefit. If I give him the child benefit he'll buy things like I do.

I used to also give him an extra £200 per month out my salary for just for him to spend on himself because I do earn twice as much as he does, but I've stopped doing that when he seemed to have more disposable income than I did.

Your with a lazy, selfish man. Along with this he is treating you like his mammy who will do everything for him. Then he expects you to fund his lifestyle with paying for his dream car. You remortgage your home to pay off £20,000 of his debits.
You have children with him. He is working in a minimum wage job but refuses to look for a better job. He probably has no further qualifications to move on from this job either.

You can't afford to go abroad on a holiday or possibly have a family holiday in the UK.
He brings in a take away for himself and eats in front of you and your kids despite you cooking a meal for you all.

He seems to think that his money is his. Meanwhile you money is his and your money is their to pay for the car, house, kids ect.
He then comes and asks you for £700 to pay for something for his hobby. I tell him that when he get a better job he can then save up the £700 for this.

In your case I would see what the value is of his dream car. If it worth more than the value of the loan you have on it I would sell it. I would not move out of the house.
I would get legal advice re kicking him out and getting a divorce if your married.
I would check with cab to see if your entitled to benefits because he is no longer living with you and the household income is less.

I would pack up his stuff and tell him it over and he can move back to his mammy. I tell him that you had enough of supporting him and that he will be paying child maintenance for his kids.

The longer you stay with him the worse your financial situation will get and it not showing a great example for your kids either. What would happen if you lost your job or could not work for a period of time?
The truth is that if he moved out tomorrow you have more money because you would not be paying for his dream car, his food and possibly his clothes also. You probably get cheaper council tax.

He keeps telling you he will give up his job if he does not get what he wants. What will he live on then when you kick him out? If he goes looking for benefits he will be asked plenty of questions and he will have to show he is looking for work.

I had a friend who had 3 children with a man who always had money for the pub. She got sick of the fights because he was spending money she needed for the bills and kids. She kicked him out. She was on benefits for a while, had a few years of low paying job before she gained more qualifications. Today she has a good job, she has a council house and her 3 kids all have degrees and jobs. Her ex is living with family. He has been in and out of work for years. He was left money in the past but just wasted it. She told me that she wanted more for her and her kids and she realised that she needed to kick him out.

How fucking dare he treat you, the precious mother of his children and beloved partner like such shit?!

Save up as quick as you can girl. And get legal advice.

Why do you need a fund? Tell him to leave the house! It will massively effect your credit rating as he would default on the mortgage!

I’m so sorry he is treating you like this. I assume you’ve tried to discuss it with him, but nothing has changed? If that’s the case then I would stop giving him anything or doing anything for him. I wouldn’t cook, or do his washing or give him a single penny. Never mind £700 for his hobby, I wouldn’t give him the time of day!!! I would tell him to leave. And mean it. He won’t go, he’ll put up a fight (of course he won’t want to give up his easy life, the lazy, selfish Twat) but, if at all possible, I would grey rock the fucker and get him out. How dare he treat his family like that? Why on Earth does he think he’s so special?? Get legal advice and tell him you’ve done it and forge ahead with making plans to separate. The sooner you ditch this lazy, entitled deadweight, the better off you will be. Good luck xx

Well your updates put a very different view on it. Get rid asap. Can you ask him to leave so less disruption for the children? He clearly doesn’t respect you. So sorry but that is shocking behaviour by him.

He’s a loser and it seems like you’ve been a bit of a mug in the past as well by facilitating him

What steps can you take to leave him asap

I thought, reading your OP, that YWBU, but Jesus Christ he's an absolute waste of space isn't it?

my ex was like this- he used to blow his wages every month on clothes, going out, xbox games and so on, and use my wages to pay the bills and buy things the children needed. I left him 16 years ago.
Sixteen years of me providing pretty much everything for my daughters (he paid a pittance in child maintenance) has left me skint (I’m self employed) but they have been 16 happy years. I didn’t have any family to help out either, but I managed, and at times it wasn’t easy.
You are 100% doing the right thing putting money aside with a plan to leave him.

He's extremely selfish, good luck with your escape plan!

Agree with pp - kick him out.

When I started reading, I thought a one off purchase is reasonable, if he saved towards it etc.

However, the more I read, the more I’m incensed on your behalf. He earns little, and yet has takeaways twice a week. He has no money management skills at all.

You mention a mortgage. Have your equity in the house? If so, put your house on the market, and use that money as your rent money when it sells.