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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this Selfish or reasonable

48 replies

fedupathome · 09/08/2022 01:10

As Background I earn more than my H . He works in a supermarket doing nights and my job is now working from home where it was office based.

He hates his job but this is all he's done for 20+ years but won't apply for anything else and will expect me to do it for him.

Due to me earning more I pay for more which I don't have a problem with.

Now onto my question he's told me he wants to buy an item for his hobby that costs £700 . Insisting that it's a one off and he can treat himself as he works hard.

I have never spent so much on myself in one go. My money goes on anything the house needs or on the kids.

I've put my foot down and said as much and that I don't agree with it.
We don't have a lot of money especially in comparison to others on here.

If I had £700 spare I would save or buy something for the house etc as there's always something that needs doing but he's insisting on spending it on himself on just an item only he will benefit from.
I find it incredibly selfish.
Can I have your thoughts.

OP posts:

EmergencyHepNeeded · 09/08/2022 07:02

You need to get rid of this man and live separately. He's absolutely awful.

GCAcademic · 09/08/2022 07:06

I would leave him, given what you’ve said. Otherwise you are looking at a lifetime of being in debt and no financial security whatsoever.

orbitalcrisis · 09/08/2022 07:07

I'd do a benefit calculator, how much would you get on your salary? I wouldn't rely on anything from him, plenty of men quit their job to avoid child support and he sounds like one of them! You might even get more in Universal Credit than this waster brings to the family! Could you then afford the mortgage on your own? You'll have one fewer person to pay for. You could also cut down on the car payments. If he can't take on the car loan you can sell the car to pay it off.

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 09/08/2022 07:12

Sell the car to get back what you can of the loan and kick him out - don't move out yourself, you are (presumably) jointly responsible for the mortgage/bills and realistically do you think he'll pay it?

Start the divorce now - all he's doing is draining you further.

KangarooKenny · 09/08/2022 07:15

You are being used.

daisycup22 · 09/08/2022 07:16

Kick this man out. It doesn't sound like he'd be able to pay the bills on his own. This man is extremely selfish and it will never get better

DaisyDooxox · 09/08/2022 07:29

Yep. Don’t waste another minute in this relationship. He is all take, take, take.

The beauty of this is that you know that, due to you paying 90% of everything, you can do this without him.

Ask yourself- why am I still putting up with this?

DONT spend the £700 and sell his car to add to your savings.

I can’t believe the cheek of him!

Namenic · 09/08/2022 07:40

Please seek legal advice on the best way to split up. I think you said you own the house, but there was also a mortgage ongoing.

Cervinia · 09/08/2022 07:45

Scottishskifun · 09/08/2022 05:07

Why do you need a fund? Tell him to leave the house! It will massively effect your credit rating as he would default on the mortgage!

Exactly this! And even if he wont leave, you are no Worse off than you are now. File for divorce, carry on contributing more, force the sale of the house, take your equity to set up again without him.

start the ball rolling now.

Believeinyou · 09/08/2022 07:49

jeez just kick him out! Why do u need a fund to leave as sounds like you are funding and running the household. Does he contribute any of his money at all to bills? Is the car in his name- if not I would sell it and pay back the finance.

what is he adding?

700 is the tip of the ocean as sounds like he's fleeced you for thousands over the years

WTF475878237NC · 09/08/2022 08:22

Tell him you're done, put your house on the market and leave him to suffer the consequences of his poor choices.

If you leave him in the house he'll stop paying the mortgage and that will impact your credit for years! Or you'll be forced to pay rent for where you go to the mortgage because he'll tell you he won't pay it.

pictish · 09/08/2022 08:27

Was all prepared to say yabu because we all have a passions we want to indulge now and then but having read your update yanbu at all.
He sounds a selfish shit.

What is it he wants to buy, out of curiousity?

Mortonpup · 09/08/2022 08:37

Jesus who does he think he is? You need rid of him. Have my first ever LTB
Do not think of you moving out. You'll have to ask him to leave or get working with a solicitor on how to do things.

ErmIDontKnow · 09/08/2022 08:44

I'm sorry hes treated you so badly OP

Whilst a fuck off fund is great, you dont need to save up to rent. You own your own home, kick him put and let him pay rent elsewhere, even if you moved out youd still have to pay your mortgage and rent on top, you dont need that extra stress. Let him rent, you stay in the house that your paying 90% of everything for anyway

I'd kick him out asap and he can use that £700 towards his deposit for a rented place

Whatever you do, do not leave the family home

Aprilx · 09/08/2022 08:48

My initial thought was that he should be allowed to buy something if there is money (family money) available. I currently earn a lot less than my husband and I expect I will from now on. He would not dream of forbidding me to buy something for myself and I cannot imagine living like that.

But with your additional information, I would actually question not whether he should be able to make his purchase, but why you are putting up with this man at all.

Maybeebebe · 09/08/2022 08:48

You're paying everything now, why wait??

Jesus christ, he's a complete arsehole.

Say no to the £700, don't do anything for him, washing cooking etc

Watchkeys · 09/08/2022 09:13

He has cooerced me

I'm not sure why you're focusing on one £700 purchase when your husband has treated you poorly for years, and coerces you. Why would you do that, rather than focus on the bigger picture, @fedupathome ?

Original poster

fedupathome · 09/08/2022 13:31

It's the straw that's broken the camels back and made me realise he won't change if he's still going it even though I tried to have that conversation.

OP posts:

Maray1967 · 09/08/2022 13:55

Focus your energies on getting ready to leave him. He is truly awful.
No, he does not get the £700. If he complains, hit him with the list of financial abuses he’s already done.

Dacquoise · 09/08/2022 14:46

Watchkeys · 09/08/2022 09:13

He has cooerced me

I agree with this.

You are married to a very self absorbed and selfish man with little respect for you or your children. You are effectively subsidising the lifestyle of someone who has convinced you his manual labour trumps the work you do ie women's work. It's like something out of the 1920s!

You are to be congratulated for improving yourself to a position that you out earn him. But be careful about putting yourself in a worse position by leaving him in the house whilst you rent. Would he be able to pay the mortgage on his owns? Is there equity in the property? Would he be able to run up more debt by remortgaging it if it's in his name only? Is the car registered to him?

It sounds like you need to divorce this man but be careful he doesn't drag you down financially or do something stupid to punish you. Perhaps post with more details of your situation so that MNetters can advise you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/08/2022 14:51

You say H, are you married? Do you rent or own?

Clearly you need shot of the lazy, selfish bastard asap. What steps do you need to take to get rid of him and stop him bleeding you dry?

He’s your expensive hobby and it gives you no joy.

cooldarkroom · 09/08/2022 14:57

I would say if he spends £700 on himself, rather than help pay for his car, then you will be getting rid of it & he can fucking walk.

hotfroth · 09/08/2022 15:02

Bloody hell.

That's it basically.

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