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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Guy initiated another date, then disappeared again!

34 replies

peahead23 · 08/08/2022 22:36

More of a rant really, why men can be so strange sometimes.

I went on two dates with a guy last May. He was always a bit crap at replying but lovely in person. Anyway he sent the whole text of how he had a nice time but didn’t really feel a spark. Fair enough, I wasn’t overly invested and went about with my life.

Fast forward 14 months and he drunk replies to one of my stories. Says we should go for a drink sometime. I agree because I didn’t think it’d actually happen, but he texted the next day with plans.

He took me to a wine bar on Thursday and I had a nice time. Chat was flowing again, and I ended up back at his. Ended up staying at his, he was cuddly in the morning and even offered I could stay at his while he popped out for a workout until he was back (but nah definitely not lol) so I left.

He texted Friday morning saying he had a great time and to enjoy my day. I said me too and then later sent a picture of my evening plans.

Absolute zero since then, completely ignored. 😂

I mean, I wasn’t exactly invested and I’m not going to text again to preserve my own self respect lol. But i just don’t see why he bothered coming back lol! Probably got what he wanted but yeah.

Men!…

OP posts:
Heatherjayne1972 · 08/08/2022 22:39

He only wanted sex
he got it and now he’s gone

id block and delete him

Suprima · 08/08/2022 22:41

He came back for a sure thing shag? Why do you think?

No doubt he’ll drunk reply to your insta stories again because he believes the door is always open

Original poster
peahead23 · 08/08/2022 22:43

Ahhh see I didn’t actually sleep with him. Just a bit of kissing but I stopped it there. But yeah I definitely won’t be replying next time! 😂

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/08/2022 23:49

He very plainly wanted sex and nothing more. He came back for sex. It's very clear, even from what you've told us yourself.

This isn't about 'men' being bewildering or confusing or giving mixed signals, this is about you not having boundaries to protect your feelings, and then posting on a forum to try to get people to back up for you how silly other people's behaviour is.

londonlass71 · 09/08/2022 00:11

Heatherjayne1972 · 08/08/2022 22:39

He only wanted sex
he got it and now he’s gone

id block and delete him

I disagree with blocking and deleting. Just delete his number and is he contacts again ignore.

Watchkeys · 09/08/2022 00:16

Or just don't bother with him again... doesn't matter if his number's in your phone, doesn't matter if he contacts you...

NeedToLeaveNow · 09/08/2022 00:20

He messeged you Friday and by Sunday
People are saying block him
48 hours?! 48?!!!

Anyway, he maybe thinking the same about you,
You havent messaged him either 🙈

Cherchezlaspice · 09/08/2022 02:05

londonlass71 · 09/08/2022 00:11

I disagree with blocking and deleting. Just delete his number and is he contacts again ignore.

Show quote history

Why do you disagree with blocking, out of interest?

Cherchezlaspice · 09/08/2022 02:07

I don’t think not texting you for two days is that big of a deal, tbh.

However, I wouldn’t go out with someone who had previously told me there was no spark, and I certainly wouldn’t spend the night with them. So, I’m still on team block him. Date men who like you.

WTF475878237NC · 09/08/2022 02:54

Date men who like you is great advice!

It's pretty obvious he was lonely and wanted to see if he could get some sex. Raise your bar. Nothing bewildering at all here!

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2022 05:35

Watchkeys · 08/08/2022 23:49

He very plainly wanted sex and nothing more. He came back for sex. It's very clear, even from what you've told us yourself.

This isn't about 'men' being bewildering or confusing or giving mixed signals, this is about you not having boundaries to protect your feelings, and then posting on a forum to try to get people to back up for you how silly other people's behaviour is.

This.

Suprima · 09/08/2022 09:20

peahead23 · 08/08/2022 22:43

Ahhh see I didn’t actually sleep with him. Just a bit of kissing but I stopped it there. But yeah I definitely won’t be replying next time! 😂

Why did you say ‘he got what he wanted’?

i have never seen that as a term for a bit of kissing

Literally nothing about this man’s behaviour was confusing unless you were hoping it actually meant something else.

Men who I had a date with 14 months ago aren’t on my radar. This is why we block and delete, because they try this bullshit

SexyHoneyMoony · 09/08/2022 09:55

He was drunk and when he sobered up but still hungover he thought why not give it another go and meet up for a drink. He must have been lonely and had no one to hang out with. Why did you even bother giving him a second chance? OK, you agreed because you thought he wouldn't follow through with organising anything but when he did why didn't you decline? He rejected you 'no spark' and was radio silent for 14 months. There was no friendship to agree to meeting up again. Why were you so desperate to meet up with him? Why is he even on your social media? I'm betting he is good looking and that's why you're being generous with second chances.

You're not friends and he isn't romantically interested. Him not texting you is him not misleading you or giving you false hope. The text of had a nice time is just a polite follow up.

Ilovemycat1 · 09/08/2022 09:57

This is why the block and delete action is so important

If a man wants you and thinks you are his dream woman he wont drop the ball the first time around for fear of another man swooping in to have you

He probably had another option at the time and aired you for her - its over with her and he sent out a text to a few and you bit

Watchkeys · 09/08/2022 11:24

Block and delete isn't necessary. Just ignore people who don't meet your standards.

Cherchezlaspice · 09/08/2022 12:43

Watchkeys · 09/08/2022 11:24

Block and delete isn't necessary. Just ignore people who don't meet your standards.

Why not just block and delete, though? Why put yourself in a position where you might have to continually ignore an irritant when you can just completely rid yourself of said irritant?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/08/2022 13:01

Cherchezlaspice · 09/08/2022 12:43

Why not just block and delete, though? Why put yourself in a position where you might have to continually ignore an irritant when you can just completely rid yourself of said irritant?

Show quote history

In case they need to text you "Just been to clinic, suggest you do too" 😂

But seriously, if your boundaries are high enough there's no need to block someone who isn't harassing you. Someone who bombards you with unwanted texts and calls, yes. Someone who you've just parted ways with, why bother? So the undesirable one can sit there saying "Heh, she wants me so much that she's had to block me as I'm so irresistible"?

Cherchezlaspice · 09/08/2022 13:08

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/08/2022 13:01

In case they need to text you "Just been to clinic, suggest you do too" 😂

But seriously, if your boundaries are high enough there's no need to block someone who isn't harassing you. Someone who bombards you with unwanted texts and calls, yes. Someone who you've just parted ways with, why bother? So the undesirable one can sit there saying "Heh, she wants me so much that she's had to block me as I'm so irresistible"?

Show quote history

There's nothing to be gained from allowing said access and it’s not a bother, though. It’s one click and it’s done. Tidily dealt with forevermore. No more irritant.

And, honestly, who cares what the undesirable one thinks? You’re done with them, and never communicating with them again.

I see this a lot on here, the ‘just ignore’ and I just genuinely don’t get why some people can’t just draw a line under it, block and be done. Is that it? They’re worried about what the blocked person will think?

Suprima · 09/08/2022 17:09

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/08/2022 13:01

In case they need to text you "Just been to clinic, suggest you do too" 😂

But seriously, if your boundaries are high enough there's no need to block someone who isn't harassing you. Someone who bombards you with unwanted texts and calls, yes. Someone who you've just parted ways with, why bother? So the undesirable one can sit there saying "Heh, she wants me so much that she's had to block me as I'm so irresistible"?

Show quote history

Who honestly cares what they are thinking?
I don’t want men blowing up my phone a year later or skulking my social media- as demonstrated in OP’s post.

Its nothing to do with not having the boundaries to ignore them- it’s seeing them as what they are: irritants. I literally view them as pests. Blocking is my mosquito repellent.

All of this talk of ‘ooohhh don’t block and delete, it’s petty, not needed’ comes from
the misogynistic place of ‘be kind!’ and women always needing to have some sort
of moral high ground. Idgaf. Block, delete, move on.

However: if we are going to talk boundaries …some people don’t have the boundaries to ignore them, which is again- demonstrated in OP’s post. All the more reason to block and delete!

If she had blocked and deleted- she wouldn’t be posting on MN suffering from a marvellous case of ‘headfuck despite red flags being there’.

loveislandusa · 09/08/2022 23:53

He told you he didn’t want you a year ago, why did you even bother replying this time?! Have some self respect

Watchkeys · 10/08/2022 13:11

@Suprima

All of this talk of ‘ooohhh don’t block and delete, it’s petty, not needed’ comes from the misogynistic place of ‘be kind

No, it doesn't. Speak for yourself. You're not the authority.

Cherchezlaspice · 10/08/2022 13:41

@Watchkeys Where does it come from, though? I’m not trying to have a row about it but, like I said above, I’m wondering what the reasoning behind it is.

WTF475878237NC · 10/08/2022 15:58

I haven't been in this scenario but I don't understand why you wouldn't delete and block someone who you know you don't want to see again. Why would you leave the door open to ever having to think about them again?

Watchkeys · 11/08/2022 00:01

@Cherchezlaspice

People do it/advise it for different reasons. Putting it all down to misogyny is assuming misogyny into everybody, which isn't fair. I advise people that 'block and delete' isn't necessarily the right thing to do, because learning to ignore troublesome people is a valuable lesson. It's got nothing to do with their sex or any ingrained anti-woman beliefs.

Cherchezlaspice · 11/08/2022 10:38

Watchkeys · 11/08/2022 00:01

@Cherchezlaspice

People do it/advise it for different reasons. Putting it all down to misogyny is assuming misogyny into everybody, which isn't fair. I advise people that 'block and delete' isn't necessarily the right thing to do, because learning to ignore troublesome people is a valuable lesson. It's got nothing to do with their sex or any ingrained anti-woman beliefs.

I’m interested in those reasons and have asked for them a few times. Nobody seems to be providing any. I didn’t put it down to misogyny (or anything else). So I’m afraid that most of that response has nothing to do with me or what I’ve asked.

The idea that anyone would or should allow irritants to have continued access to them in order to learn a lesson seems a bit bonkers.

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