Just need to let it out - to let go the man I loved for 17 years

[Notsoeasybuthastobe]

Have to accept that I need to let it go - the man I loved for 17 years and all the memories I have been holding onto.

We had not been in any contact for 9 years. I sent a simple greeting email two weeks ago (after a felt-like-real dream...) and thought that I could handle it. But as soon as I clicked the "Send" button, I realised I would have died inside if he didn't reply.

Anyway, he did reply to my first email but went completely silent after I overly warmed up and sent him the second email telling him that he still mattered a lot to me.

I realised that I really really need to let it go. It's not healthy and 17 years is a long time to love a man without any possible future. Any possible happy life together that I played in my head in the past is not real. No matter how hard it is, I have to let it go and let him go.

I found a blog online which provided some heart-felt comments to remind people like myself it's the right thing to do for myself and I should have no regret...

**"The key is to come out of this with dignity and pride.

You can’t pry someone’s heart open, nor might you be enough to change them.
If someone doesn’t want to be with you, or doesn’t have the capacity to be with you, then there is nothing left for you to do but respect that decision and try to reassemble your life without them.

Both people need to be willing to make an effort and come to the table with open hearts and open minds. You can’t fight for something if it’s not on offer.

If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. But if it can’t now, you have to move forward.

Everything in our life is a reflection of the choices we have made, and once we’ve exhausted all possibilities, we need to start making new decisions."**

It's absolutely right, every word to the point. I know it's not going to be easy, as I have been holding it tightly to the centre of my universe for all these years, even when we had no contact. But I do feel now, I don't owe him anymore. I shall set myself free...

Not expecting any reply here. I just feel wanting to put these words out there so that I know I mean it...

And, same to those who have a broken heart and know it's the right thing to let it go.

Am sorry to hear this for you. I can relate to those feelings of loving someone over many years. For me it has actually ended differently, I had that exact same experience of a dream and then through a family member with whom I'm still in touch I then sent an email. We are now in daily contact and I feel so extraordinarily lucky to have him back in my life after 25+ years. I feel complete. When I emailed I convinced myself I had no expectations but in reality I think I would have felt a bit crushed if he had gone silent. How long is it that he has not replied to you?

I had this
I was so in love with this man -
met in
2005
contact for a few years then we both went silent

on his 49th I sent a happy birthday email (I checked he still had said email) and I got nothing

on his 50 I texted he responded ‘kids can’t wait to see you next week looking forward to seeing the new house’
i replied that it was me Winny and got nothing. I was fucking gutted. It was his number

it’s been 6 years since that text.
I go on LinkedIn every now and then just to see what he’s up to

I’ve been there too - oh my word it hurts!

Yep, me too! It was a toxic relationship but my God, I loved the bones of that man. And I still get a similar feeling whenever I see a photo of him (Google him!). So I don't do it very often. We've exchanged some messages today actually, bizarrely, and I haven't answered his last message because I don't want to go down that path again.

There's a quote from somewhere "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I clung to that after he broke up with me.

@WinnysPinny , need to let it go, no? I fell in love with this man hoping to bring happiness to his life. If he stopped responding like this, it can only mean one thing: I'm no longer in his list of source for happiness (probably for a very long time). So that I feel I don't owe him any more...

I hope I can stop checking him on Twitter from now on. (I stopped using FB 9 years ago after he deleted his account). For heaven's sake, all my heart was surrounding this one man in all these years, even though occasionally I felt I could stop...

@Ishacoco , "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

I will work on not to resent and not to regret. But it does feel hard being rejected with silent treatment after I put myself out there like that. But it's not his fault. He's entitled to evolve with time.

With a hint for the benefit of doubt, like what you did, maybe he just didn't want to go down the same path, hence restrained from replying. No future. What for? Right?

Oh gosh it’s hard isn’t it. Especially those dreams. I keep having them several months after splitting with my ex DP.

A couple of months ago I had a vivid dream of him with white hair laying in my lap while I stroked it. I woke up feeling very emotional and then later that day I got my phone out of my pocket and it was butt dialling him!! Paniiiiic!

I hadn’t spoken to or texted him etc for over 6 months so I’ve no idea how it happened or why, but it felt like fate when he texted asking if I was ok. I said “sorry, butt dial!’ But then later reached out to him. We ended up reconnecting, sleeping together and I thought that meant we were back together (we’d been together 9 years before that).

However he freaked out and decided it wasn’t what he wanted, flip flopped about whether he might still want something with me in future or just to be friends, said he was still going to see other women, basically broke my heart all over again. It was agony.

I can’t believe that this is what ‘fate’ wanted for me, to cause me so much pain just as I was starting to get over him. So it was just a stupid accident, not destiny or date or anything meaningful.

I had another vivid dream about him this week. I’m studiously ignoring it! It’s bullshit.

I hope you are able to find peace and thank you for those words - I needed to read them today.

Important words, OP. “Try to reassemble your life without them.” Wise, true, but so, so hard.

It's crazy how some people can have a hold on you even after many years have passed. I have someone like that in my life and even though it's been years since we've been together, I know that if I were to get in touch it would be devastating. So I don't. I was very tempted to just last year when he just happened to be working at the same workplace I was at. But I know that absolutely zero good will come of it. He still has the power to hurt me, and hurt me he will. I think with people like this we are always waiting for them to change, for them to realise that we meant something to them, but I've come to accept that he never felt the same way and never will, and I won't ever give him the power over me he once had.

In 99% of cases there is nothing to be gained from getting in touch with someone from the past and everything to lose. If you value your peace and dignity, you have to let certain people go.

@SteveHarringtonsChestHair it's hard. But it's also clear need to let go. Hope you can find the right balance in your heart again. It became part of you. That's why it's so painful trying to remove it...

@Amsooverthis , it's a a feeling wrapping you around and making you glow from inside, isn't it? Happy for you to reestablish contact. Hope all work out for you in a positive way! +25 years, a long long time...

It is harder to let go of something that feels unresolved. Your dream, you reaching out after so many years, and wasn’t really about realistically wanting to reawaken a relationship with this man, it is you looking for closure.

Meant with kindness but also sometimes we hang on to old dreams as a way to avoid present miseries. It takes a lot of courage to put those hopes of happiness behind you and accept your future is likely to be smaller, less satisfying than you hoped it would be. All you can do is try to face ahead and fill your life with other things that provide contentment.

If you haven’t been in touch for 9 years, how often are you thinking of him in waking hours? I would reflect on what else is going on in your life that made you dream of him so vividly.

It is a different thing, but recently my dreams have featured my dad very heavily. He died 12 years ago, and I don’t think of him too much usually but my mum died last year and losing her has brought back so many memories, my subconscious is dragging up all sorts of stuff now again.

Wishing you peace and a path to acceptance.

@EarlyWinter Well done that you held your ground wisely. I think I was a bit overly confident. I thought we were in true love (what kind of one-sided naïve). Been together twice with the second time reached out by him. Never the right timing. So I always thought my place in his heart would be kept there. Even now, after two weeks silence, I still have hard time to believe it all. Therefore, I have been revisiting these words from that blog EVERYDAY, EVERYDAY just to remind me the truth.

After 9 years without a word between us, it really should be easier. But no...

@HeartofTeFiti "It takes a lot of courage to put those hopes of happiness behind you and accept your future is likely to be smaller, less satisfying than you hoped it would be. All you can do is try to face ahead and fill your life with other things that provide contentment."

So true. There's not much I can do with that part of my life. I have my own responsibility. I'm also aware one has to be extremely lucky to have it all and I'm not one of those really lucky people. But I do have ways to balance it in life, as life has so many fascinating aspects to work on. There's always hope for different fulfillments, even though they may not be what I'm most longing for.

Over the course of the last 9 years, I sometimes felt I was over him and I found peace. But maybe it's that lacking of the same loving feeling made me refuse to really let it go. But at least now I know if I carry on, it's no more than a one-sided dream. When dreams hurt, need to remind oneself what is real...

I feel you OP. My first love, we were only together 5 years, we split up 10 years ago on really bad terms. It was a toxic relationship but I loved him so so hard. We’re both moved on and married to new partners etc (social media), but even now, now and again I still have extremely vivid dreams about him and have even woken up crying. I’ve recognised a pattern that if something stressful/unhappy is going on in my life/marriage, my mind goes back and I dream of my ex. It’s so hard. But you’re doing the right thing, it’s time to let go and accept what’s real and that you deserve to be loved by someone who truly loves/respects/wants you.

@Seabreeze2 , thank you. I honestly don't dream about him much. All these years maybe less than 10 times. But whenever it happened, it's always very intense and vivid. You want to believe the dreams are shared by both parties with equally invested sentiments. But apparently there were studies done providing the opposite conclusion.

Sometimes I do wonder if there was a previous life or something. We were not together for very long, but the love I felt for him lingered too long...

This is really hard. I found myself going through ups and downs non-stop.

After back and forth, I finally managed to delete all historical correspondence (457!) except last 3... Then two days ago, I filtered his email address sending anything new straight to bin (couldn't bear keeping check if any new arrivals throughout the day - even though, I still occasionally check the bin during the day just as a temporary fallback).

That same night, I had a really tough conversation with my partner as one of the numerous attempts to address some long-lasting issues between us. I can't say I'm hopeful at all, as the same conversation happened every 2-3 years with little improvement. I still feel really lonely inside out.

I have no idea what the future holds for me. But I realised I'm a long way away from how I was 17 years ago. Life has changed me massively - becoming a more realistic and stronger mind but mostly lost the iconic smiles that I was blessed with back then. I realised I was not "her" anymore and of course this man I thought I loved so many years would have changed too and he's no longer "him". I understand it's best to leave "him" and "her" in the past, being happy and forever in memory...

But then, I do still feel resentment, resenting his lack of courage to tell me to let go. And most importantly, I couldn't believe he would really end the contact with me in such a way... (But on the other hand, I think I'd do the same thing if I were in his position...)

But one thing is clear that I wouldn't try to change anymore - I would from now on live for myself and try the best to fulfil my own dreams (and stop talking to him in my mind) - whenever I can...

The quote in bold doesn't need to be 'so true'. Its a long life and until you're at the end of it, you have absolutely no way of knowing if your future is going to be smaller or less satisfying than you hoped, unless you make it a self fulfilling prophecy.
I don't mean to minimise your feelings, but this is just one man from billions on the planet. He felt like the one you needed to have 'your best life' but in reality, he is just one amongst many with the potential to make you happy, and clearly not the best one, since the right man would feel the same way.
Rather than accepting your life will be lesser, try to see this closure as the start of your freedom to explore other options for happiness.

@5128gap Thank you for the candid but kind words. It does help to hear someone pointing out that it was after all just an ordinary man that I met who was not the right one. To overly indulge in the loving feeling at some past moments is blinding myself from seeing the full picture. (There were plenty of hurtful moments and the shadows of selfishness too)

You are right. Nobody know what the future holds for oneself. But there are choices that one CAN make and those probably matter more in the grand scheme...

I really appreciate your comments.

Imagine you are future you. You're 90 and looking back at your life, you've pined after him all these years and never really been happy.

What would future you say to current you? I bet it would be to forget about him and forge a life of happiness for yourself without him and not waste your life.

It's not too late to change future you to a person who sits and laughs with her friends about how she wasted so long on a man, but that she's very glad she bucked up her ideas and threw herself into having a fabulous life without him because the last however many years have been a blast.

Assuming you'd prefer the second future, start living it tomorrow. Before it's too late. Don't sleep walk through life pining for him and miss out on all the fun you could be having.

Someone said the above to me about ten years ago. It literally changed my life and that man is a fond but very distant memory and I love my life without him and wouldn't change a thing.

*Assuming you'd prefer the second future, start living it tomorrow. Before it's too late. Don't sleep walk through life pining for him and miss out on all the fun you could be having.

Someone said the above to me about ten years ago. It literally changed my life and that man is a fond but very distant memory and I love my life without him and wouldn't change a thing.*

@Okeydoky Thank you! I think I can do the same, at least trying my best.

Nearly two more years on, I'm almost still exactly where I was two years ago.

Had an intense dream again last night, with him. I bursted in cry waking up...then all sorts of feelings flooded me to keep me awake for another hour.

I certainly didn't look up online for a long time. But as soon as I realise he's resigned from his previous job without any hint that he's moved to anything since, I started worrying about his health. Silly. Just nothing to do with me.

But last night, the fear was so intense, I couldn't shake it off..

It really shouldn't matter. We have no crossing in this life time again.

I saw a video with him in which was probably filmed recently. He looked really aged, much older than his age. I can't say I would still love him if I'm right in front of him and could have everything... So many years passed and so many have changed, including people...and us.

Last night, I held tears back in bed, thinking how powerful a thing love is. What matters is that we should be grateful that the pain and the desire to care about another person and pray to make them happy, even just in the shade of our memories...

Wish him well and happy...

I still dream about my ex. Had one recently and it always annoys me when I do. I wouldn't entertain any notion of reaching out. He is happily married with kids. I see him about. Nod hello and that's it. Nobody has ever came close to him and its really depressing. I think its more to do with my poor choices in partners though. If I was with someone who treated me well I probably wouldn't give him a second thought. He treated me poorly at times and I broke up with him over it but he also treated me really well and made me feel so loved and I only seem to remember the happy memories.

@Notsoeasybuthastobe have you had any counselling to deal with this?

Thanks, but I don't need counselling.

I never found happiness in my own marriage. That's why he stayed in my head all these years. I don't need anyone else telling me.

Such is life, mine.