Just need to let it out - to let go the man I loved for 17 years

[Notsoeasybuthastobe]

Have to accept that I need to let it go - the man I loved for 17 years and all the memories I have been holding onto.

We had not been in any contact for 9 years. I sent a simple greeting email two weeks ago (after a felt-like-real dream...) and thought that I could handle it. But as soon as I clicked the "Send" button, I realised I would have died inside if he didn't reply.

Anyway, he did reply to my first email but went completely silent after I overly warmed up and sent him the second email telling him that he still mattered a lot to me.

I realised that I really really need to let it go. It's not healthy and 17 years is a long time to love a man without any possible future. Any possible happy life together that I played in my head in the past is not real. No matter how hard it is, I have to let it go and let him go.

I found a blog online which provided some heart-felt comments to remind people like myself it's the right thing to do for myself and I should have no regret...

**"The key is to come out of this with dignity and pride.

You can’t pry someone’s heart open, nor might you be enough to change them.
If someone doesn’t want to be with you, or doesn’t have the capacity to be with you, then there is nothing left for you to do but respect that decision and try to reassemble your life without them.

Both people need to be willing to make an effort and come to the table with open hearts and open minds. You can’t fight for something if it’s not on offer.

If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. But if it can’t now, you have to move forward.

Everything in our life is a reflection of the choices we have made, and once we’ve exhausted all possibilities, we need to start making new decisions."**

It's absolutely right, every word to the point. I know it's not going to be easy, as I have been holding it tightly to the centre of my universe for all these years, even when we had no contact. But I do feel now, I don't owe him anymore. I shall set myself free...

Not expecting any reply here. I just feel wanting to put these words out there so that I know I mean it...

And, same to those who have a broken heart and know it's the right thing to let it go.

@Someshop It's always because of something that we miss in RL.

So I don't label it as true love anymore.

Just the dreams are really out of control and always pushed me off an emotional cliff.

Do you need to leave your marriage to find happiness do you think?

I think if you inject some realism here it could help.

Were both of you married when this love affair started. Were either of you single.
Were you with the current partner, was he with his current partner.
Were you ever married to him or in a primary relationship with him.

I don't know, you have built this up as though you are in some romantic novel, your speech doesn't feel based in reality at all, you don't sound like an ex wife or someone who actually knew him properly, faults and all, you have idolised him.

If you are not happy then separate from your partner, this om doesn't care.

This is for you to come to terms with, pinning over someone who was never available is like hampering over a lottery win that was never yours. It's self indulgent and childish.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but these feelings of yours will not have helped your current relationship, unless it's so abusive that these thoughts about him are there to give you hope that one day you may escape.

Unrequited love is painful but this wasn't love, it was one sided.

Are you saying you are happy in life then @Notsoeasybuthastobe ?

This sounds rooted in fantasy and make believe. I mean this really gently but pining over this man is not healthy. He made it clear in your contact two years ago it’s not reciprocated by freezing you out. This isn’t love it’s an obsession. You’ve resurrected a thread from two years ago so are no further forward. You dismissed a comment around counselling but you genuinely need to consider this.

Why is it you keep slipping into this rather than deal and move on from the real issues you’re clearly facing?

Completely agree with @Notsoeasybuthastobe. And you really do need therapy. You’re sleepwalking through life losing yourself in avoidant fantasies of a man you were with many, many years ago. Declaring that your life will be smaller and sadder going forward because he’s not in it. It’s as if you have no agency but are waiting to be rescued from your life. Most of us have had romantic disappointments; most of us have loved someone who didn’t love us back. We aren’t meant to be holding out for a return of that person years and years later.

I think his power for you is in what he represents. Perhaps your current relationship is the wrong one for you. Perhaps you feel a bit lost in life. He represents a time when you felt happier, more confident - perhaps life felt like it had limitless potential. But you don’t need him in order to have those feelings again. This is where therapy will help you. It will help you recover your power - your agency in your life.

There is a case study in Irvin D Yalom's book, Love's Executioner, about a woman obsessed with an unobtainable man. The whole book is fascinating.

How strange OP I'm in a similar situation myself. It's so embarrassing only one person knows in real life. I was never with this man, but we lived together as roommates and 'fell in love'. I was with someone else so we didn't do anything but when I broke up with my boyfriend he was with someone so we left it. He then got married and we cut contact as it was too painful.
Then he contacted me out of the blue and told me he was getting a divorce and he wanted us to be together. By this time I had met and moved in with my now DH, so I told him it wasn't the right time for us, but I still had feelings for him. That was the last time I spoke to him. Fast forward 10 years, I'm on the brink of divorce with 2 children.
I found him on socials and reached out, it took me 2 years to message him. Turns out he had remarried. After 2 polite messages from him, he stopped replying when I told him I was getting divorced.

I feel heartbroken all over again. I've built him up in my head to be some sort of long lost true love and the let down from that has been brutal. I had a dream too, a vivid one, I was kissing him but what stood out was how HAPPY I FELT. Like finally at peace, with the right person for me.

It's so hard to let go. And the not replying is in a way so much worse, I have refrained from sending any more messages and retained a little dignity, but my god IT HURTS.

And I brought it on myself! If I hadn't of messaged him I wouldn't be in this position right now.

So I understand OP, it doesn't surprise me that it's 2 years later and you aren't over
It, time flies so fast.

I'm taking the advice of a few posters on here who talk about building a happy, fulfilling life. I can only hope I will meet someone one day who will spark the same kind of deep emotion I had for him. Hope, have to have hope.