How do you know when it's time to end a long term relationship.

[Dreamwhisper]

I'm really struggling.

Another argument with DP this evening. The background is, we usually get on fine, more than fine great actually, but DP has depressive periods and general anxiety which sometimes, in my opinion, make our relationship hard.

Without going into all the nitty gritty, the last week or so has taken a downward turn. The conversation is circular. I'm not supportive enough he feels. His needs are too great for me to comfortably carry anymore, I feel. We both feel the other is not good at hearing the other out and taking their perspective on board.

I feel as soon as I start to express my real feelings the conversation is railroaded. Either by something along the lines of "Oh so you're saying it's ALWAYS this bad". Well no, I'm not. But it's been a running theme for most of the 9 years we've been together. Doesn't mean I don't love him, but being honest yes, I'm getting weighed down with the issues and I can't fix them myself.

It's complicated as he is not always down but the more often he becomes down, the more strain there is for me and the less time I have to recover and get our relationship back on track. He now has problems with me that he hasn't expressed before this year. I'm not supportive etc.

This time as well, I'm starting to feel a feeling I've never felt before. Genuine distance. Not up for the prospect of being intimate. Tried to give him kisses in the kitchen and say come on let's make up we're supposed to be soulmates etc. Says he's not sure. I say I hope he knows that ending is a relationship is an autonomous decision, if he's not happy basically things will be okay.

Seemed to take offence to that. Went back to circular argument about how I'm not supportive. Me trying to explain without sounding cruel that his issues are hard to deal with, we have 3 young DC I work, constantly juggling and yes, I will be honest, wish I finished work to a happy partner happy to see me.

More and more he's fixating on things, catastrophising, feeling miserable and low. Of course that's absolutely awful for him. But. His job to arrange therapy. Tried to arrange it, he missed the call back and never called back. Encourage calling GP, had to cajole him, GP doesn't care enough, doesn't go for arranged blood test etc.

I have no doubt that if I was a more supportive partner he would be better. And I love him dearly, but I'm not capable of offering more. I feel like a boiled frog. The years of dealing with stuff have crept up and now when instead of getting better he's at his worst, I can't cope. Things are happy in between but now the inbetween is dwindling and there's just resentment on both sides.

Has anyone come through the other side of such unhappiness and been able to remain together? Trying to power through because we have 3 beautiful DC that we both love very much. But I'm so sad to see us like this and I don't know if I have the energy to carry on. I don't want to see us become truly bitter towards each other.

Oh @Dreamwhisper . Didn't want to read and not give you a virtual hug. I'm in the same position as you. I hope somebody comes along soon with an answer. Please just know you're not alone. It's sad because you know how potential the relationship does have when he's well.

Sending you a big virtual hug and a g&t x

Sorry to be clear I tried to arrange therapy on his behalf. He did not do that himself even though when we nearly split up before, it was a condition that he seek more support for himself.

He is engaging with another mental health service well though which does help and I am proud of him doing that. But it's not enough to him.

He seems to (and even if he would verbally say otherwise) expect me to just be able to cope with everything that goes on. I know I could be better but I also think even at my best I wouldn't be able to offer him what he thinks I can.

What's weird is he's spoken about a close friend before, a few years ago, and was saying how the problem with friend (who was an awesome, extroverted guy but was sort of consumed by his mental health) that friend's problem is that he wants everyone else to be able to fix things for him. And that he relies on people to do so and when they can't, he gets angry at them.

Well I feel like that's actually what's happening here.

On the other side, I am really proud of coming so far with one of his issues. I don't want to minimise that and I truly appreciate him trying to live a normal life with that going on. But again, there is only so much I can cope with as it still impacts on us. I am still a person with my own thoughts feelings and needs. I feel like that is slowly starting to take less and less consideration. He's quite good in my eyes at minimising his issues. Sometimes infuriatingly so.

Would DBT (not cbt, DBT is different) help? For him mainly but the psychologist often run special sessions for their partners/parents etc too.

Aw thank you so much I really appreciate that, it's so hard isn't it

I'm sort of using this thread as well to write down my own thoughts, so my sincere apologies my posts are so long!

I just want things to be happy. I would 1000% rather things end up happy with him, but at the same time we both have small children to consider and we cannot go on being this miserable. And the fact that we are pretty miserable right now is not negated by all the years of good.

Thank you, I just googled it and it sounds like it could be really useful for somebody like him

Thing is we can’t ‘fix’ anything. We can try to understand but it’s hard. Bloody hard. Do you have any support? Nationwide be others in similar situations who will ‘get it’?

No idea what the ‘nationwide’ but was about!!

It's sad because you know how potential the relationship does have when he's well

And yes this is exactly how I feel. It seems so, so strange, to sometimes feel like we are so in love and perfect together, and in a matter of days that can lead to me sitting here crying writing on mumsnet how I think it must be time to end it.

If he could be emotionally stable things would be absolutely perfect. We both have the same wants and needs in life. We have kids. I find him very attractive. He says he finds me attractive. I don't understand why is has to be so hard.

Its really hard, but when you both stop caring what the other does or feels it is the start of the end. If you do not make each other happy then it is time to let the relationship go whilst you still have something left of it and don't hate each other.

No to be honest, not really. I'm quite private anyway and these days have a small circle of friends. He sees talking about the issue with people we are both close to as an intrusion. I do understand that. I also am fairly young so I don't know that many people who have had relationship breakdowns. I'm 29 and have already had our 3 children and been together 9 years. Most of my social circle are just getting married, having children or thinking of starting families. Not really anyone who I could get advice from even if I was happy to share everything with them.

It may be worth posting in the mental health sections of MN too.

This is what I'm worried about and I'm worried that if we stay together, instead of potentially coming back to each other when he is well and I have had a break and time to process everything, we will just grow to resent each other for each of us feeling like the other is letting us down.

He keeps saying stuff when I try to discuss our issues like in my OP where he gets upset and thinks I'm implying our relationship has been bad. It hasn't been bad. But where we are now is really bad. Haven't been able to have a conversation in the last couple of days without it turning into a minor argument. Not sleeping together.

Thank you I may do.

I am always trying to see it from his perspective, and think how I would feel if I was suffering so much with my MH and also felt my partner wasn't supportive. It must be terribly lonely and I hate the idea of him feeling that way.

But in an intimate and romantic relationship, I want to feel cared for too He does care for me but I mean... Well it's awfully sexist but I miss seeing him as strong and capable. I know he is but at the moment he's so fragile and miserable it's just... so draining to be around

I've just started a new job, have 3 DC at home on summer holds, and instead of rising to the occasion I feel like he's left me to flounder a bit. I had to go to an introductory in office meeting when I started my new job which coincided with the start of the summer holidays. He was SO ill that day and miserable. I couldn't cancel as it was too last minute so I went but I spent the day full of anxiety over how he was coping. Got back and they were fine. Yet when I was there he was acting like he was about to drop dead.

But then the other side of that is, from his perspective maybe I've just stopped caring and just want things to be normal and convenient even when he's not capable of that.

But how do we live together then??

You could consider counselling together or separately to see if that helps you both decide what is best for you all.

Well just tried to talk about stuff again and it ended the same way but with more upset.

Whenever I mention (even if he is first to bring it up) that we should maybe talk about what want to do it ends up with him getting heated and saying how he has no one and will be on his own.

If someone else was in that situation I would tell them to leave but realistically I don't have the heart and we have DC it's just too complicated when they are this young.

Looks like unless he decides to leave me we will just carry on like this.

Feel kind of miserable

I’m so sorry sorry @Dreamwhisper . Honestly I could be writing your posts, we’ve had the exact same conversations over and over again, followed by a few good days but both on edge knowing the next conversation will come at some point. I feel I might be more at an advantage as my partner is seeking therapy (intermittently though) . Although some of the stuff the therapist apparently says is questionable.

The prospect of losing your best friend, partner and father of your kids all in one is heartbreaking, but as I think a PP has said, only he can make the decision to get help. Don’t let him drag you down with him. You will get through this, either together stronger as a couple, or on your own as a strong independent woman. Hope you feel a little better after a good nights sleep x

How lengthy and often are these depressive periods? Could you discuss the issues with him when he’s not in the midst of one of these episodes. Wait until he’s back to ‘normal’ to discuss your concerns. He could fear abandonment during these periods and not be able to talk about it rationally.

When I look back, I wish I’d asked my DH to move out when he was at his worst, instead I desperately tried to help him and keep every else going. That turned into resentment, and now we are just two people living together.

This is my life too

I've been in and am in a similar position to you. My dh has anxiety, complex ptsd and possibly adhd (being assessed) and is having therapy. He can be very difficult to live with because he's got a lot going on. However, I equally have my stuff too, anxiety, ocd and a panic disorder and I'm on meds. We're a right pair!! Day to day, it's managing ourselves, our relationship and our two young children. I'm learning that dh sometimes needs a bit of time out just to have a walk or run to get his mood on track again. And for me, I tell him when I need more compassion if I'm feeling particularly bad.

For us, we've both acknowledged that we can feel overwhelmed with parenting and often exhausted so this can trigger our mental health issues. I think what we're learning gradually is to be kind to each other even when it feels really difficult.

I've had times of wondering whether we should end the relationship when it's getting too hard. And believe me, it's been at a critical point many times. But ultimately dh and I love each other, we are soul mates and our children are our world and we want our family unit to stay together.

I know how hard it is so really feel for you op. Best of luck. X

Thank you so much for all of your replies, I can't tell you how much it has helped to hear of other people in similar situations

One of our biggest problems when he's feeling low is his extreme lethargy. I've been reading that this could be a sign of bipolar disorder, which would also explain why antidepressants have such a negative or no effect on him.

I think where I am now I'd like to suggest he pursues that path of diagnosis and therapy and then make any decisions together when he is better.

I understand it must be awful to feel so low and then have your partner saying they can't cope. But it's not voluntary, I really can't

If he won't help himself, what can you do? You can't fix him yourself, he needs to do it. He is treating you poorly, it doesn't matter why, the outcome is the same. I also see a red flag in that he doesn't want you to talk about your situation - he knows he is treating you badly and doesn't want others to know about it. It's manipulative for him to make you feel bad for going to work meetings and saying he doesn't have anyone else. You're in an abusive relationship, i'd stop having endless, distressing discussions with him that sap your energy and plan how to leave.

I'm definitely under no illusions that the way things are now aren't okay and I will admit I am at a point where I am considering leaving because like you said, I'm starting to feel like no matter how valid his pain is, mine is also valid and I can't at 29 (well not even quite 29 yet!) commit to a life of it being this way more and more frequently.

On the other hand I do think depending on how he is today (I am at my mums today so haven't spoken really since last night) I may see if he's willing to look into these new treatment options - himself - and see how the land lies.

I did also read another thread on here about living with partners with MH issues and while some of them were reassuring some were also devastating to hear. I don't want it to get to a point where the kids are suffering because of it.

Oh my god don’t let this man drain any more of your youth

his mental health issues are not your problem