How do you know when it's time to end a long term relationship.

[Dreamwhisper]

I'm really struggling.

Another argument with DP this evening. The background is, we usually get on fine, more than fine great actually, but DP has depressive periods and general anxiety which sometimes, in my opinion, make our relationship hard.

Without going into all the nitty gritty, the last week or so has taken a downward turn. The conversation is circular. I'm not supportive enough he feels. His needs are too great for me to comfortably carry anymore, I feel. We both feel the other is not good at hearing the other out and taking their perspective on board.

I feel as soon as I start to express my real feelings the conversation is railroaded. Either by something along the lines of "Oh so you're saying it's ALWAYS this bad". Well no, I'm not. But it's been a running theme for most of the 9 years we've been together. Doesn't mean I don't love him, but being honest yes, I'm getting weighed down with the issues and I can't fix them myself.

It's complicated as he is not always down but the more often he becomes down, the more strain there is for me and the less time I have to recover and get our relationship back on track. He now has problems with me that he hasn't expressed before this year. I'm not supportive etc.

This time as well, I'm starting to feel a feeling I've never felt before. Genuine distance. Not up for the prospect of being intimate. Tried to give him kisses in the kitchen and say come on let's make up we're supposed to be soulmates etc. Says he's not sure. I say I hope he knows that ending is a relationship is an autonomous decision, if he's not happy basically things will be okay.

Seemed to take offence to that. Went back to circular argument about how I'm not supportive. Me trying to explain without sounding cruel that his issues are hard to deal with, we have 3 young DC I work, constantly juggling and yes, I will be honest, wish I finished work to a happy partner happy to see me.

More and more he's fixating on things, catastrophising, feeling miserable and low. Of course that's absolutely awful for him. But. His job to arrange therapy. Tried to arrange it, he missed the call back and never called back. Encourage calling GP, had to cajole him, GP doesn't care enough, doesn't go for arranged blood test etc.

I have no doubt that if I was a more supportive partner he would be better. And I love him dearly, but I'm not capable of offering more. I feel like a boiled frog. The years of dealing with stuff have crept up and now when instead of getting better he's at his worst, I can't cope. Things are happy in between but now the inbetween is dwindling and there's just resentment on both sides.

Has anyone come through the other side of such unhappiness and been able to remain together? Trying to power through because we have 3 beautiful DC that we both love very much. But I'm so sad to see us like this and I don't know if I have the energy to carry on. I don't want to see us become truly bitter towards each other.

His needs are too great for me to comfortably carry anymore

I stopped reading there. That’s your answer

l do feel like this is really relevant as well. I don't think he means to abuse or coerce me and when things are good he doesn't have any abusive tendencies. I'm very free to pursue my own life etc. But, you're right when he's down the stuff he says is very difficult to deal with and I do see it pretty clearly as fear of abandonment. I actually think if I discussed leaving him when he was well, he would be much more rational and accepting.

But obviously these conversations don't come up when he is well. They happen when he's low and I do understand why that must be hurtful for him. But I'm at the end of my tether right now and I don't know if I can broach the subject of separating when things are good. I don't have the strength or will at all when things are good.

I don't have the strength or will at all when things are good.

That's probably because you've just scraped through difficulties of his depressive period through using up your own strength and will and when he's 'normal' again, you are so depleted that you have to slowly recover yourself before you regain the strength and willpower to confront the big issue. But I'm guessing that as soon as you start feeling strong yourself again, he goes back into a depressive period and you're back to looking after him? It's a rollercoaster.

The only thing that will stop the rollercoaster is him starting to take responsibility for healing his issues, through therapy, medication, consistent exercise, whatever it takes. He can do it now, while you're still hanging in there, and the relationship has a chance to survive. Or he can do it after you're completely fed up and have to leave to save yourself.

That's the only choice remaining and he has to face up to it. Now, and there's a chance to salvage the relationship, or later, when the chance may well be gone forever.

He's seen this thread and is now upset. Feels like I have misrepresented things and by saying I'm upset and feel like things aren't working now and that I don't get support from him, that I meant I have never been supported by him.

Is also focusing on the fact that I said it was sexist but I do sometimes wish he was strong and capable again. What I meant was in the context of men's mental health it's common/stereotypical to tell men to "man up" and not have emotions but that's NOT what I wanted from him, but did wish he was more functional/stable. Isn't it easy to understand why someone with three young DC and work would wish that their co parent was on a more even keel?

We do at least both seem to agree that things should be over. But we've been here before, we argue and then try and make up but I just don't want it. I want both of us to be free of this but I'm so worried it's not going to happen. Just feel awful. Have a big thing going on in my new job and just can't focus at all.

I'm sorry to read you're going through this.

Being in a relationship with a partner who suffers from MH problems is hard. Their issues have a huge impact on the whole family and as their partner, you go through a roller coaster of emotions. How you are feeling is understandable, it's perfectly valid and you shouldn't feel awful.

It takes it's toll and is emotionally draining to deal with long term. Through all of this it's also very easy to neglect yourself and your own mental health. You can only do so much and you have to think about what is best for you and your children in all of this.

OP - what is it that he thinks you should DO to be more supportive? The only example I can see is that he wanted you to skip an important work activity for your new job so that you could look after the DC instead of him doing it? Because that's not you being unsupportive....

I think a very very important thing to understand about abusive relationships is that it doesn't matter that the person being abusive is not doing it because they are a bad person. The problem is the behaviour. And right now, you are being told you are not good enough... while simultaneously you are the person holding it all together singlehandedly.

I think it’s a tough gig to bring up three small children and work and run a home and be someone’s carer.

I couldn’t do it. I’m a single mum of three and it’s much easier for me that having to do it all AND be my husband’s support human. When we split up I had a great sense of relief . And an overwhelming sense of how much free time I had.

Because when the kids were in bed, everything laid out for school and work and the house tidy, I had an hour for me. Not 3 hours listening to all his complaints about his family and his work and the kids. And the constant refrain of how i was too busy for him and put the kids first and wasn’t understanding enough and demanding too much of him.

The fact that your husband has seen this thread and is ‘upset” is a huge red flag for me. Are you allowed nothing for yourself and to confide in no one ? Does everything in your life have to about meeting his needs and not upsetting him ?