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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it me do you think?

36 replies

neilyoungismyhero · 08/08/2022 15:36

Okay, spent ages typing my relationship history and deleted it twice, too much baggage there and really I know the limitations of my choices but for the last few years my H has been moody with a capital M. He says he's happy enough but I can't see how he can be and I'm definitely not, but circumstances are such that it would be difficult to split up, we are elderly.

I don't like him very much that's the truth. I don't want to go anywhere or spend any time with him. We attend family functions and that's fine. All I ask and have told him this, is that we treat each other with respect. I avoid anything that may trigger a violent abusive outburst from him but I'm not going to be a doormat. He is an arrogant bully, opinionated, rude and knows it all. No one else's opinion is valid, mine never has been. I am more prone now though to stand my ground with him, hence all the arguments. I realised a long time ago that I had married my father and I just can't figure out how I allowed that to happen.

Today, I told him the Postie had brought him a small parcel. He came in to collect it. I handed him another item which had arrived and he said 'oh! has that been delivered ?' I said jokingly 'No, XXXX it's still in the post' and laughed. A silly comment I suppose but like Basil Fawlty says, he's always asking the bleedin' obvious. He absolutely went ape shit, I thought he was going to thump me, he screamed at me saying I was always back answering him as usual .... I was honestly taken aback, I said it was just a joke...he wouldn't have it..he went on and on and on. He threw the parcel across the room and told me to put it in the fucking drawer.

Half an hour later he's asking me if I'm okay and do I want a cuppa?
Did I deserve all that? is it me winding him up? I'm beginning to doubt my own sanity to be honest.

OP posts:
Chickydoo · 08/08/2022 15:41

You are never too old to leave.
Start afresh, you will be happier.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/08/2022 15:44

No you don't deserve that. Are you sure there's no way you can figure out how to leave?

You say you're elderly, isn't that more reason to enjoy the later says of your life? Time is precious

IsThePopeCatholic · 08/08/2022 15:55

He sounds horrible. I couldn’t bear to be with someone like that and would leave.

neilyoungismyhero · 08/08/2022 16:05

Finances are the problem. If we sold the property, we would end up with enough money each to fund 8 years renting and then what would I do? I just can't see a way out, I really can't.

OP posts:
PetalParty · 08/08/2022 16:05

What form does the violence take?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/08/2022 16:08

You are, and have been, in an abusive relationship with him for many years. His silent treatment/moodiness is an example of emotional abuse. Time to rebuild your life now without him in it and it’s only too late for you when you are dead. would you be willing now to contact Womens Aid and see a solicitor re divorce? Knowledge here too is power. Stop going to family events with him because it only keeps up the pretence. Abuse like described too thrives on secrecy, time to bust this wide open.

Abusive men hate women too, all of them. You have also modified your own behaviour to try and avoid any outburst from him. He probably likes it too when you do answer him back, he sees this as a further challenge to bring down.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and yours taught you many damaging relationships lessons.

Watchkeys · 08/08/2022 16:13

Yes, it is you, I think.

It's you being fed up with being treated like crap.

Do you think that 'because it's you', your concerns should just be brushed aside?

If so, why? Why do you and your feelings not matter?

Coachwork · 08/08/2022 16:20

I'd rather live in a bedsit than take that for the rest of my life. He's abusive. Do you do everything for him too?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/08/2022 16:33

neilyoungismyhero

re your comment:
"Finances are the problem. If we sold the property, we would end up with enough money each to fund 8 years renting and then what would I do? I just can't see a way out, I really can't".

There is always a way out; no obstacle is insurmountable so stop with putting up obstacles of your own be they real or imagined.

Eight years is very precise; how did you work that out?. I would seek legal advice asap and get all the financials properly looked at rather than relying on your supposition or even the outright lies your current H has told you.

Your marriage is over because of the abuse he has and continues to mete out to you. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

bluedomino · 08/08/2022 16:41

A lady I know got divorced at 82. She said if she had known how easy it was she would have done it years ago. He too was an abusive bully who ruled the house and hid money. Better 8 years of freedom than 1 year of servitude. Just get rid of him and enjoy your new life.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/08/2022 16:43

neilyoungismyhero · 08/08/2022 16:05

Finances are the problem. If we sold the property, we would end up with enough money each to fund 8 years renting and then what would I do? I just can't see a way out, I really can't.

Would that not give you enough to be a very small place?

been and done it. · 08/08/2022 16:46

PetalParty · 08/08/2022 16:05

What form does the violence take?

Just verbal violence. Sometimes he is red in the face and clenches his fists I back off...

Watchkeys · 08/08/2022 16:50

neilyoungismyhero · 08/08/2022 16:05

Finances are the problem. If we sold the property, we would end up with enough money each to fund 8 years renting and then what would I do? I just can't see a way out, I really can't.

You're not looking at 'ending the relationship will cause financial difficulties'

You're looking at 'I'm financially ok for 8 years if we break up'

8 years. You're hardly on the brink of poverty. Break up, rent for a bit, then work out what to do about your finances.

been and done it. · 08/08/2022 17:09

AryaStarkWolf · 08/08/2022 16:43

Would that not give you enough to be a very small place?

No not where I live or within miles and miles

been and done it. · 08/08/2022 17:11

Watchkeys · 08/08/2022 16:50

You're not looking at 'ending the relationship will cause financial difficulties'

You're looking at 'I'm financially ok for 8 years if we break up'

8 years. You're hardly on the brink of poverty. Break up, rent for a bit, then work out what to do about your finances.

I've only got a state pension apart from the potential house money..not much to work out really but appreciate what you say.

been and done it. · 08/08/2022 17:13

Coachwork · 08/08/2022 16:20

I'd rather live in a bedsit than take that for the rest of my life. He's abusive. Do you do everything for him too?

Well pretty much yes.

PetalParty · 08/08/2022 17:15

been and done it. · 08/08/2022 17:13

Well pretty much yes.

You must be so long in need of a break. Do you get enough time and money left over to do nice things for yourself?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/08/2022 17:17

At the very least here speak to a Solicitor. Your H has put you in a cell of his own paranoid making. You can make a fresh start somewhere else and make a new life for yourself.

KangarooKenny · 08/08/2022 17:19

Do you have any children who might help ? I ask because I was told about a situation with my DM after she died, and I wish she’d come to me and asked for help.

been and done it. · 08/08/2022 17:26

PetalParty · 08/08/2022 17:15

You must be so long in need of a break. Do you get enough time and money left over to do nice things for yourself?

I could if I wanted but to be honest just can't be bothered anymore.

been and done it. · 08/08/2022 17:28

KangarooKenny · 08/08/2022 17:19

Do you have any children who might help ? I ask because I was told about a situation with my DM after she died, and I wish she’d come to me and asked for help.

The DD we have together knows what he's like and understands..
My other DCs have got an idea and would support me but not financially nor would I want them to.

PetalParty · 08/08/2022 21:05

been and done it. · 08/08/2022 17:26

I could if I wanted but to be honest just can't be bothered anymore.

He’s sucking the life force out of you. Relationships can do that. What were you like when you were at your happiest? What was going on then in your life?

been and done it. · 08/08/2022 21:31

PetalParty · 08/08/2022 21:05

He’s sucking the life force out of you. Relationships can do that. What were you like when you were at your happiest? What was going on then in your life?

When the children were younger and we were working together 24/7..it all hit the fan once we retired and moved to France..the dynamics of our relationship changed.

Mississipi71 · 08/08/2022 21:56

You did nothing wrong. Get out x

Mississipi71 · 08/08/2022 21:58

bluedomino · 08/08/2022 16:41

A lady I know got divorced at 82. She said if she had known how easy it was she would have done it years ago. He too was an abusive bully who ruled the house and hid money. Better 8 years of freedom than 1 year of servitude. Just get rid of him and enjoy your new life.

That is so 😔

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