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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it me do you think?

36 replies

neilyoungismyhero · 08/08/2022 15:36

Okay, spent ages typing my relationship history and deleted it twice, too much baggage there and really I know the limitations of my choices but for the last few years my H has been moody with a capital M. He says he's happy enough but I can't see how he can be and I'm definitely not, but circumstances are such that it would be difficult to split up, we are elderly.

I don't like him very much that's the truth. I don't want to go anywhere or spend any time with him. We attend family functions and that's fine. All I ask and have told him this, is that we treat each other with respect. I avoid anything that may trigger a violent abusive outburst from him but I'm not going to be a doormat. He is an arrogant bully, opinionated, rude and knows it all. No one else's opinion is valid, mine never has been. I am more prone now though to stand my ground with him, hence all the arguments. I realised a long time ago that I had married my father and I just can't figure out how I allowed that to happen.

Today, I told him the Postie had brought him a small parcel. He came in to collect it. I handed him another item which had arrived and he said 'oh! has that been delivered ?' I said jokingly 'No, XXXX it's still in the post' and laughed. A silly comment I suppose but like Basil Fawlty says, he's always asking the bleedin' obvious. He absolutely went ape shit, I thought he was going to thump me, he screamed at me saying I was always back answering him as usual .... I was honestly taken aback, I said it was just a joke...he wouldn't have it..he went on and on and on. He threw the parcel across the room and told me to put it in the fucking drawer.

Half an hour later he's asking me if I'm okay and do I want a cuppa?
Did I deserve all that? is it me winding him up? I'm beginning to doubt my own sanity to be honest.

OP posts:
TooHotToTangoToo · 08/08/2022 22:34

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! Check how much you'd get in benefits and move out.

PetalParty · 08/08/2022 22:39

And the value of the house now may be far more than you think, if it were to be sold with the proceeds split. Things change quickly on the property market, especially if you’ve been there some years already.

Sisiwawa · 08/08/2022 23:36

You may also be entitled to pension credits, help with housing etc if and when your money runs out...

Ohtoberoavingagain · 09/08/2022 00:28

He sounds potentially physically violent. The clenched hands, getting red in the face with anger —- I’m afraid these men often go for the one strike that is catastrophic. His behaviour is not going to change.
Are you still in France or in the UK?

BritInAus · 09/08/2022 01:19

He sounds horrendous. I think you will be so utterly relieved when you leave him. I too would rather live in a tiny bedsit in a different area than stay with him. If your children are grown up, are you tied to the area? Could you start afresh? Stay with your DD for a few months then buy a place - however tiny? Life is way too short to stay with an abusive person. I've been there - life on the other side is so wonderful.

oobeedoobee · 09/08/2022 07:05

OP, you can't look at as 'I can't leave because in 8 years I'll have run out of money.

You need to view it as

Once I've left, I'll have 8 YEARS to work out how to increase my earnings, either through work or benefits !
(And who the hell knows if they'd even be alive 8 years from now ffs ?? Wouldn't you rather have the next however many years living without being abused and threatened ? Without constantly worrying about saying the wrong thing ?? Without worrying if THIS is going to be the time he loses his shit and beats you ? Or even kills you ?)

You NEED to end this horrific relationship !

been and done it. · 09/08/2022 12:18

Thank you so much for all your replies and support. You don't know how much that means to me. I can't offload on my children it's not fair on them and the few friends we have are either mutual or not completely trustworthy in a gossipy sense..no offence to them. I just needed to know that these incidents aren't my fault I think...since this last one he's been been normal as usual. I think the PP who said he's sucked the life out of me is spot on and I feel like going into mourning for all these lost years..I've been cowardly and stupid and I guess hopeful that things would improve. So much to consider. For all the suggestions I seem to have a negative response..I have left a marriage before but I had a lot more going for me..employment and a small amount of support and a perceived long future- I don't feel I've got any of those now. Again thank you for all your kind responses it has given me much food for thought.

layladomino · 09/08/2022 12:27

Please don't stay with him. You could enjoy your remaining years living in a calm home, just as you want it, doing what you want, without fear of being yelled out or someone clenching their fists in anger at you.

There is always a way. It seems insurmountable but it can be done. I have an old friend who left her controlling husband and moved in to a (very) much smaller place, in a not so pleasant area, and she has never been happier. It's been a few years now and she is a different person.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/08/2022 13:05

He will be physically violent with you soon.

I really hope you can show your DD that she's worth more than this, so that she doesn't end up marrying her dad, as you have.

There is a lot of strength and support here for you. I can hear how ground down and despairing you feel. He's keeping you on the floor. You can stand up if you choose. You deserve to.

PetalParty · 09/08/2022 14:13

Can someone more knowledgeable please advise on what benefits or support and housing an elder retired person may reasonably claim???

OP, would you want to stay in France or would the UK be equally palatable to you?

Daftapath · 09/08/2022 16:51

Does he have savings OP?

I'm not sure what the divorce laws are in France but in the UK all assets would be seen as joint, even if some were in the husbands name - property, pensions, savings

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