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Original poster

Is it possible to stay married if you despise your inlaws?

35 replies

maggietookmymilk · 08/08/2022 14:23

I guess that's it really. I've been married 9 years and before that we have been together for 4.
Despite my attempts at trying to build a relationship with in-laws, I am always treated as an outsider. Family gatherings are awkward and tense. Nothing is light and easy going.
It's now a situation where I can not trust them and do not like them at all.
I love my husband, but he never defends me or stands up to their interference in the past.
Is it possible to stay married in this sort of situation?
Has anyone managed a marriage where you have as the wife don't need to interact with in-laws? I desperately try to throw out olive branches, but always come away rejected. I feel for my own mental health I need to just not see partners family. I obviously have no problem with him seeing and spending time with them, but I myself just don't want to spend time with them. Is there a way this can work?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 08/08/2022 14:24

Have you told him you want him to support you more? Does he think they’re in the wrong?

passport123 · 08/08/2022 14:25

"I love my husband, but he never defends me or stands up to their interference in the past."

that's your issue
don't have kids with this man

Hoppinggreen · 08/08/2022 14:25

Depends on your H really.
If he is ok with you disengaging then it can work (as I know)

Choice4567 · 08/08/2022 14:26

not in my experience. My husband used look blankly at me and say ‘I know she’s wrong but what do you want me to do? It’s my mum’

unsustainable. I was driven mad and we divorced. He still doesn’t understand the problem

SpiderVersed · 08/08/2022 14:27

It is, as long as your DH has your back. Just don't go to family stuff. One of my in-laws was really nasty to me so I just stopped going. DH went on his own, and as I wasn't arranging visits, tended to go much less often. In-laws learnt their lesson - don't be nasty to your son's wife if you expect your sin to come over often.

chilliesandspices · 08/08/2022 14:30

It can work as long as he isn't bothered by you not joining family events. If he's bothered and keeps pestering you to join in or moaning about how it looks to everyone then it's not going to work. You'll spend your life getting annoyed at his guilt trips.

Are you planning on having children? What will you do during family events like birthdays? If you were to invite your parents to events, he'd probably expect or feel obligated to invite his own.

hotfroth · 08/08/2022 14:30

Why doesn't your DH support you?

Original poster

maggietookmymilk · 08/08/2022 14:35

hotfroth · 08/08/2022 14:30

Why doesn't your DH support you?

He does support me privately, but he just doesn't like conflict. Which I knew about him when I married him.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/08/2022 14:41

Stop with trying to build something that has never been there re your inlaws i.e a relationship. You would not have tolerated this from a friend, let alone for this many years, and these people are no different. You cannot change them but you can certainly change how you react to them. Do read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward.

Your DH is key here. Clearly he cannot stand up for himself, let alone defend you as his wife here. Where do his loyalties lie?. Is he using you as some sort of buffer between he and they because that scenario could be happening also. His inertia regarding his parents along with his fear, obligation and guilt is hurting him as well as you.

Floralnomad · 08/08/2022 14:43

Yes it can work . I never got on with my in-laws and after I’d had our first child by which time I’d known them for over 8 yrs I had had enough of their snide remarks . I told my husband that he needed to have a talk with them and clear the air or I would - he did it and the result was that they didn’t speak to him for about a month ( may have been longer it was a long time ago ) and they never spoke to me again . He visited a couple of times a month sometimes with the kids mainly without ( they are very local ) . His dad died about 10 yrs ago and in the last couple of years I’ve started speaking to my MIL who is now 90 but mainly because it helps my husband out if I can run her to the Docs/ dentist etc . They / she literally has no relationship with our children who are now adults . We’ve been married for 33 yrs , together for 37 and are very happy . ( sorry for the essay )

joojitzoo · 08/08/2022 14:45

It can work, just don't go with him to family events.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/08/2022 14:45

That state really does him no favours either.

Being conflict avoidant means exactly that: being afraid of possible disagreements at all costs. This is a type of people-pleasing behavior that typically arises from a deep rooted fear of upsetting others.
Many of these tendencies can be traced back to growing up in an environment that was dismissive or hypercritical. I can well imagine his parents are both towards him even now as an adult.

People who respond to conflict this way often expect negative outcomes and find it difficult to trust the other person’s reaction. In other words, asserting your opinion can seem scary or unnerving. He prefers to be seen as the “nice person” at work, for example, or may shy away from open, healthy conflict so as not to rock the boat. In a relationship, this can look like going silent on a partner (you in this instance), changing the subject, or enduring uncomfortable situations instead of expressing issues openly.

Will he be willing to undergo therapy from someone like a BACP registered therapist?.

Dotcheck · 08/08/2022 14:46

si, he didn’t like conflict a decade ago. It doesn’t mean that he can just hide under that excuse. We aren’t talking about his height, or eye colour- this is something he CAN do something about. As in ‘ Hey guys, this is my wife, lay off’. Or ‘ we won’t be coming over until you make more of an effort to be welcoming to my wife’.

He just doesn’t want to put his big boy pants on and do what needs doing.

IdasFlowers · 08/08/2022 14:48

My late dh didn't like my mum, but I don't either, so he had my full support on the matter.

LastWordsOfALiar · 08/08/2022 14:52

It will depend on your circumstances. How often do the family meet up? Would they make a big deal of you not being here? Would you husband mind going without you?

If everyone can accept that you won't be there, then there's no reason why it can't work.

Similarly, if they meet twice a year, then I'd just grin and bear it for your husband.

If your husband or his family make a big deal of you not meeting them, then you have a big problem that probably can't be worked out. But it doesn't sound like your husband would mind you distancing yourself?

Puddington · 08/08/2022 15:08

tbf I'm certain a lot of people make it work, but I had one specific past relationship which I still thank god every day we broke up and I never have to deal with his family ever again We broke up for other reasons, and before getting married, but his family were truly horrible people who never liked me and, beyond that, never liked HIM and had abused and scapegoated him his whole life. He was desperate for a normal family relationship despite that and so we often had to spend time with them which was always an ordeal. Even a few more years of that would have driven me totally mad. He would never have cut them off and I know I could never have "learned to like them".

Hoppinggreen · 08/08/2022 15:09

SpiderVersed · 08/08/2022 14:27

yep
MIL thinks I am a horrible person who keeps her from her GC and doesn’t let DH visit either
The ONLY thing that changed when she pushed me too far was that I told DH all visits etc were now up to him to arrange

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/08/2022 15:20

I think you have to lay your cards out to your DH now so that he clearly understands what the issues are and has your back.
Do you feel that every interaction with them creates problems between you and DH? It's easy to ignore this until the next one, but after 9 years - do you think there is much you can do to improve the situation?
I think part of the problem is that in general we expect partner's family to be just that.. family... and to have a nice relationship with them and for them to care about your DC. However, it doesn't always work like that, and to keep expecting them to behave in a more friendly way to you and finding that time and time again they don't, can be upsetting. Its already affecting your mental health.

In the first instance, lower your expectations of them. After 9 years, they are unlikely to suddenly develop compassion and a conscience. Instead, try to find people in your life that are more reliable and treat you well.

You do not have a "duty" to run around after people who don't treat you with respect and regularly upset you. DH may have a duty to them and that is for him to sort out, but he also has a duty to you.
So you have to change how you and your DH deal with them to spare you some of this angst. Maybe this is something you could get counseling for. It might be worth it for DH to understand more about how this is affecting you.
The pandemic was an eye opener for many who had difficult relatives/in-laws who didn't have to regularly go to the kinds of family gatherings you describe in your post and could feel the difference in pressure.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/08/2022 15:24

LastWordsOfALiar · 08/08/2022 14:52

It will depend on your circumstances. How often do the family meet up? Would they make a big deal of you not being here? Would you husband mind going without you?

If everyone can accept that you won't be there, then there's no reason why it can't work.

Similarly, if they meet twice a year, then I'd just grin and bear it for your husband.

There's a lot of sense in this... the frequency with which you see them.

If its not that often its probably easier for you and DH to work out a way to make it more bearable for you.

yonce · 08/08/2022 15:38

I wouldn't stay in a marriage where my husband didn't have my back, regardless of who the other person is.

It's all very well and good him supporting you in private, but are you okay with that for the rest of your life? He's conflict avoidant - but only when he knows you'll be putting up and shutting up? If he supports you in private, do you not think he's also supporting them in private - and perhaps playing both sides?

I'd be stepping back, not making effort or attending any of the events with them tbh. Let your husband go on his own and deal with things.

LivesinLondon2000 · 08/08/2022 15:44

Yes. I rarely I interact with my PIL. They only like their granddaughters (other BIL’s family) and made it clear they’re not interested in my boys (MIL had only boys herself and had always wanted a daughter). I put up with the favouritism for quite a long while but then thought I didn’t like my DC being treated as second best so distanced myself.
It’s worked out fine over the last few years - I just let DH handle all contact. He arranges any visits and they still see my DC (although very infrequently even though they only live 10 minutes away but that’s their choice.)
I don’t go to theirs for general visits but I do go to any larger family gatherings and will chat with them for a short while without getting into any deeper conversation.
Honestly since I stopped getting frustrated about their behaviour and wishing it would change, and instead just accepting that’s how they are, that I don’t like what they do and that as a result it means we can’t have any deeper friendship or relationship, life has been so much better.
There’s no need to have a big falling out with them (though if you think a frank discussion would clear the air that might be a good idea). But if you can maintain at least a functional relationship with PIL, that will make life easier for you in the long run.

Arthursmom · 08/08/2022 15:55

Just don't go to family stuff. I've reached this point now. Brother in laws wife is the same and sister in laws husband. All 3 of us can't be wrong 😂 we just leave them to it and make a cameo appearance annually at Christmas or pop in for the last 10 minutes of a visit, quick hello then off you go etc. you married your husband not his family.

Hopeandlove · 08/08/2022 15:55

My ex in-laws referred to be as a fucking bitch and I had done nothing wrong. They were vile vile vile to me. Ex never stood up for me - they were abusive verbally mentally emotionally and financially eg gave the other daughter in law £1000 cheque on zoom Christmas Day presents and myself a David Attenborough dvd etc they were vile. I remember my ex father in law calling me a gold digger and I pointed out I earnt twice what my husband earnt. He never ever stood up for me as it was ‘too stressful’. He had to nerve to say at relate counselling ‘there has always been conflict between my parents and hope and love and I’m caught in the middle loving both’ - the very fact he couldn’t deal with it and it could certainly see it was the issue. The divorce means I don’t have to have anything to do with them any more. Can’t wait for them to drop dead.

Mysteriousnotice · 08/08/2022 15:59

One of the best things about getting divorced was deleting the ex mils name and number from my phone!
Ive had countless threads on here about the inlaws and the relief of never having to see or interact with them again is fab.
Id already reduced it to minimal time but knowing I don't have to see them again is a relief.

caringcarer · 08/08/2022 16:04

My first mil and fil refused to attend our wedding. Then never sent me birthday card or included my name in as card. When did was born they wanted to see her all the time. When DH was at work I would get a call telling me to drop off dd and collect her later. I just said no as she is exclusively breast fed. I planned lots of stuff to do at weekends with DH and dd and eventually in-laws learned dd would not be going to visit without me. DH agreed to this. DH occasionally dropped in for cup of tea on way home from work if finished early. We had second child DS and by this time in-laws accepted if they wanted to see GC they had to show me respect or it would not happen. As my DC got older if mil made any mean comment they would say don't be nasty to my Mum.

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