Should i tell estranged parents I'm pregnant?

[Butterfly2689]

I haven't spoken to my parents in about 18 months due to a huge falling out we had, that we never recovered from. I felt they owed me an apology for treating me poorly, however they weren't willing to apologise therefore after telling them what I wanted, and ultimately didn't get, we haven't spoken since.

The thing is, I'm now pregnant with my first child and I'm feeling really conflicted about the whole involving my family thing vs not involving them. The bottom line is...Should I tell them or not?

I think part of me would feel a sense of guilt for not telling them as i know its a big thing and they would be hurt. But on the other hand, they haven't treated me well so do I really owe them the news?

It's a tough one for me as when I grew up, my family were sparse and were always fighting, meaning myself and my siblings free up largely without aunts, uncles and grandparents because there was always some fight going on and we never saw people again. And i dont want that for my kids. But equally I don't want to brush big issues under the carpet or ignore how hurt I am because of guilt of how it could affect others.

I miss my parents but ultimately my mental health is more stable without the disappointment that came with putting up with some of the ways they treated me.

I do speak to my siblings so if I was to tell them, my parents would find out 2nd hand off them and no doubt that would deepen the rift between us.

Has anyone got any advice please?

No!
What makes you think they'd treat you (or the baby) any better than they have in the past? Protect yourself and your family and stay NC.

From someone who has abusive in laws and watched my (now ex) dance this particular dance.

Don't do it 🙁They'll never change.

Do you think they are ever going to become the kind, loving parents you want them to be? Because from what you've said, it seems unlikely, so no, I wouldn't tell them about your pregnancy.

Whatever you decide, there's no going back really is there? I assume you'll have the same dilemma if you have more children in the future.

You have to decide whether you want contact with them or not, first. You can't choose for your children to have contact and yourself none. That will just not work. If you're remaining no contact then there is absolutely no reason to tell them directly. But do share with your siblings and expect them to share it. It would not be fair on them at all to keep it a secret.

Thank you for your replies.

I do miss my parents and I would like to heal the rift however I just don't see how if they cannot apologise. To me, it's like they haven't got enough respect for me to apologise when they've done something wrong which hurt me.

I don't want my kids to suffer the same family dramas I did too.

But then I don't want them to start talking to me again just so they can get to know my baby. I would rather they spoke to me because I'm their daughter and they want a relationship with me.

It's a real tough one. They've also never met my partner before either. He's very supportive and says he will go with whatever I decide but it's a really tough decision.

They're not the worst parents in the world, I just am struggling to forgive their refusal to apologise to me therefore we just didn't speak again.

I think I'm also afraid of my siblings getting involved again, as they have before in trying to get me to do things to repair the relationship (all of which have failed). The last time I heard from my mum she had a huge go at me because I didn't buy her a mother's day gift, despite us not talking for a year.
I did however text her to say I was thinking of her as it was her first mothers day without my gran. However this was not good enough.
I can see why people say don't say anything but equally there probably isn't any going back from it if I don't.

Honestly, if they had the respect for you, do you not think they'd have apologised or got in contact sooner? If you tell them now, do you think they'd say anything to get back involved in your life and your child's life, regardless of if it's how they truly feel?

Personally, I wouldn't reach out.

You went NC for a reason, and the reason is just as valid as it was when you went NC. Your own parents have been willing to cut contact with you over whatever this was. You. Their child.

Why on earth would you go back to this toxic relationship, and expose your child and dp, too?

Stay away. You do not owe them the news. They will find out from your siblings, and you can see how they react. If it's anything but 'congratulations', do not engage!

I would go NC for good. They sound like they’re more trouble than they’re worth. Your child probably wouldn’t benefit much from a relationship with such petty people.

It sounds like you'd like some contact with them.

Going NC is a very drastic move. It's the right one for many relationships but it's not to be done lightly.

It sounds like you're using the NC as a means to get an apology, instead of as an ultimate consequence. You haven't shut the door on the relationship.

If you think you can take the potential rejection, then reach out. Explain that you wanted the apology, but will accept that they don't want to give one. Ask if they'd like to go out for a coffee. A 1hr meeting once a month or something, to start things going again. If it doesn't work out, then you've lost nothing. But you may at least can more clarity and certainty over the NC.

You only get one set of parents. If you want the relationship then fight for it. Just be prepared to lose also.

Good luck, there's no right and wrong. You could maybe see a counsellor to process your feelings around it too.

No. You don't need the added stress when pregnant or when you have a baby.

It's weighing on your mind but 18 months is a long time. You've reached out already and it hasn't got you anywhere. They could have sorted this out with you within the 18 month period.

I totally understand your stance on how there is no reconciliation without an apology from your parents. I think if you were to reach out with the baby news they would assume an apology is no longer needed and the cracks will be papered over until the cycle repeats itself. Let them hear from your siblings. That will give them food for thought on what they want their relationship with you and your family, and that you meant business after your rift.

OP,

You have decided to create your own family and your loyalty to this new family takes precedent over your parents and siblings.

Crucially your mental health is better since you don't see them because of how they treat you.

A new baby is a big adjustment.

Do you want stress and upset in your life going forward?
Do you want your child to be with people that treat you badly?

What do you want your child to witness?

In 18 months you have met and are pregnant with your partner?

Thats lots of big changes.

Reach out to friends for support and give your parents a wide berth.

I'm puzzled at everyone jumping in to tell you to never see your parents again when you haven't even said what the problem is, apart from the lack of an apology.

I wouldn't.

I have not gone nc but lc over the way my parents treated me (emotional blackmail plus some pretty horrid things said to me, though my mother would deny it or say she was "joking" and I need a sense of humour.)

It was hard at first but my life is better for it.

I'm disappointed that my parents can't be arsed to be grand-parents to my kids but ultimately it's probably better for my kids to be spared their toxicity.

I'm trying for a child right now and if/when I get pregnant I honestly don't know if/when I'll tell them. I've already decided that they can hang before I tell them the future baby's name, after the way they behaved upon finding out my last child's name. They may find out in the long run but not from me.

So, no, I wouldn't tell them. And if this doesn't make them rethink whether an apology might be a good idea, then nothing will and you're better off without them.

As a parent of grown up DC, I think this is good advice. Sometimes family situations get blown up out of all proportion and no one is quite sure how to get out them so they fester on. I think starting with a coffee in a public place might be a good idea, not too long and you can leave whenever you want to.

My own suggestion would be to just send them a two liner in a card saying simply, "I am expecting a baby, I thought you would like to know. Butterfly"

That way at least you have let them know.

Good luck.

Even though they cannot apologise, can they show you that they understand that they hurt you. I would have settled for that myself. Didn't get it of course.
I would tell them after the baby is born.
But Make a decision to tell them but not respond to their response if applicable for 72 hours. So whatever they say, think about your response v carefully and don't forget them too quickly when you're flooded with oxytocin.

It’s such a tough one OP and pregnancy/childbirth does bring up these kind of emotions so I really feel for you.
I guess you need to think about how you will feel when the baby arrives, will you want to tell them then as well?
I mention this as I was in a situation with my Nan around halfway through my pregnancy there was a big fallout and she ignored me for the rest of my pregnancy. I was so so hurt and grieved a lot about it (I was always the one who went above and beyond for her, my brother useless in comparison).
When my little one arrived I then went through all of the emotions again about if I should tell her or not, my Dad refused to tell her because of how she had treated me and said she didn’t deserve to know. I couldn’t bring myself to because I couldn’t bare the thought of being ignored as I was already feeling very vulnerable emotionally. My DH did in the end and we received a positive response, but it didn’t rid me of any of the feelings that it sounds like you too are experiencing.

It's difficult OP and only really you know - we don't know the details of the rift or both sides of the story to say either way. I think going "NC" is a MN thing - you say they aren't the worst parents In the world but at the same time happy to cut them off because they haven't said sorry. No idea if you are being unreasonable or not but sometimes having your own child gives you a perspective you haven't had before and you might see whatever they said/did in a different light

Many congrats OP

Should you tell them, no, no and no again, would be my advice.

I am NC with my mum, for very valid reasons, I know she won’t ever change, we did start to speak when I started my family, but it only lead to further disappointment.

She was a terrible GP, and we have been NC again for 15 or so years. Never even sent DS’ a birthday or Xmas card in all those years. That’s on her. Leopards do not change their spots, I know I will never speak to her again, she bought nothing to my life other than grief, upset and constant criticism.

No regrets, thankfully my late MIL was the best nanny my DS’ could ever have wished for.

I saw a medium, a few years ago, the first thing she said to me when I sat down was, you don’t speak to your mum (she didn’t know me, only knew my first name) she said it was permanent, and my mum had an acid tongue, and asked if my mum had MH issues, I said not dx but yes she probably does! And that my nan says it’s not my fault, I laughed and said I do know that, but nan was insistent that the split wasn’t my fault and nothing I could have done would have changed anything. Lots of other things were said. I felt relieved that she would not be popping up into my life ever again.

You need to do what is best for you OP, but just remember what caused the split, because all those issues will still be there, bubbling under the surface.

Good luck with you pregnancy and concentrate on your family, it’s without doubt the best thing I have ever done having my DS’ I wouldn’t ever dream of treating them as my mum did me.

I think if an OP writes that her mental health is better for not being involved with her parents because of their treatment of her, you can pretty well take it that she has legitimate reasons.

Parents negatively affecting your MH is very serious and not healthy.

What did they do to you?

honestly whatever they did - putting that aside yiu said they’ve fallen out with lots of family etc

if you do reinstate contact try to have v low expectations as they seem dysfunctional

I wasn't going to tell mine until I became very sick and hospitalized during my first pregnancy and in a panic had my husband tell them. I felt if the worst happened, they should know.

I regret it. They did not react well (one called me drunk and elated when a big issue in our relationship is my parents' addictions, the other sent me a really angry email that started a long chain of disappointed/her barraging me about why did I get pregnant and how to make sure it didn't happen again). I wish I'd done more as LastWordsOfALiar suggested, though with emails as a starting point or video calls with today's tech, having that physical distance can help when starting to rebuild. I definitely would not reach out with that type of news, but starting smaller and seeing where it goes if you want to try.

It's nearly 18 years later, and I have an email relationship with one parent that is not going well, but it's as well as I think it's ever going to get - he has apologized in a general way though not about anything specific, and we can't ever really have a deep conversation about our past without him deflecting, defending his family, or just getting weird/ignoring it. Really he seems to just likes the surface level image relationship of wishing each other happy birthday and such. It hurts, but my parents are never going to be the parents I want them to be
.
I've had to build those wider familial-ish relationships for me and my kids with my husband's side and our friends. I would focus more on the other people in your life who can give that feeling of family than rebuilding this. I get the desire to, and burnt myself repeatedly trying, but don't spend more energy on this than you do on the others who are more likely to be there in the long-term.

I hope all the best for you OP and that it all goes as well and smoothly as possible.

OP I think you should tell them. Having experience with dramatic families, you not telling them will just fuel the drama, and they will find out eventually anyway. Just a quick text to let them know will mean less drama for you whereas withholding will create drama. In the end they will know you have had a child eventually either way.

that doesn’t mean you need to include them in child’s life etc.

My advice: enjoy your pregnancy (or get through it if it's not an enjoyable one). The minute you add your parents to the mix it's going to be stressful. You're already stressing and you haven't told them.

You can tell them afterwards if you want. Your job now is to put your mental and physical health as high a level of priority as it can be (meaning it's not always possible, because, Life). You need to take care of yourself to take care of your growing baby. Telling your parents now isn't likely to be a positive outcome. What happens if they then apologise, will you feel like you can trust it?

You could also contact them again now to see if they want to make amends and then only tell them if they do. But please don't get your hopes up.

Difficult parents who do negative things to your mental health and refuse to admit they're wrong don't change because they're becoming grandparents/a baby appears.

Focus here on what you want. Then take it from there.

Congratulations on the pregnancy and I hope it is an enjoyable one!

Do the right thing and repair the relationship. No one but you knows what was or was not said but seems like you want them in your life so get over the "apologise" thing and solve the problem.